


QUARANTINED: RED ROBIN’S TIK TOK ACCOUNT

by JustThatOneGirl1815



Series: Coffee Stains [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman - Fandom, DC Comics, DCU
Genre: Angst, COVID-19, Coronavirus, Crack, Fluff, He’s also a theater kid, Jason Todd cooks, Memes, Quarantine boredom, Quarantine pick up lines, RIP Tim’s toast, Skateboarding!Tim, Sleep Deprived Tim, Social Media, The Duckening 2020, They all need a hug, This entire thing is crack tbh there’s just angst sprinkled in, Tik Tok, so many memes, the batfam has been quarantined, the floor is lava, the more i write the more ridiculous this gets so I’ve stopped tagging all the bs, we feel ya tim, yes those exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:14:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 130
Words: 151,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23175265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustThatOneGirl1815/pseuds/JustThatOneGirl1815
Summary: The coronavirus has hit Gotham, and through a boredom induced decision, Tim decides to make a Tik Tok account and have some fun....I’ve no idea what this is, but whew, I’m having fun.(Edit: October 31st 2020, I know exactly what this is, and man I had so much fun guys)
Relationships: Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne
Series: Coffee Stains [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2166966
Comments: 3986
Kudos: 3374
Collections: Works good enough I will definitely reread





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Short chapters, lots of jokes, I don’t own any of the characters or whatever, besides if I did Tim wouldn’t be a fucking duck. So yeah, as long as the Coronavirus goes on, I will be here providing the needed entertainment and comic relief.
> 
> [*Translated into Chinese*](https://snowbei.lofter.com/post/1d4b77b2_1ca0b20dd)

Tim wasn’t going to lie, he could spend days in his room without leaving or getting bored. He’d done it time and time again, and this time would be not different.

...or so he thought.

You see, all of Gotham City was on lockdown, quarantined in their houses until April first. And... given that it was mid March... well they had a while to go, and the worst part: this was only the first day of the Gotham Quarantine.

And Tim... oh Tim. He was bored.

He rolled over on to his back, body stretched out over the bed with it’s rumpled sheets and faded coffee stains. Yes, he is one of those people who drinks coffee in bed and then proceeds to fall asleep mid-sip and spill it everywhere. Come at him. (Plz don’t).

He held his phone up in the air, well aware of the risk he was taking of dropping it on his face, and opened Tik Tok.

The first video he saw was of a guy in the hospital, mask covering his face, doing the Renegade as his doctor watched, disappointment clear on his face.

Tim liked it and moved on.

...wait a minute.

...... wait a m i n u t e.

He knew what he needed to do to fix his boredom and the boredom of quarantined citizens across the world.

Wayne Family Tik Tok.

A sly smirk covered his face as he began making the account that would cure his boredom until April first, and probably well after it.

Tim’s feet flew down the steps into the Batcave, phone in hand, ready to pitch the idea to Dick and Jason, who were down there sparring.

...or so he thought.

Instead, he saw Dick, dressed up as Nightwing, Jason in the full leather and helmet, guns strapped to his thighs, and Bruce in the cape and cowl, all arguing heatedly.

He cocked his head to the side and opened up his camera the second he realized what was going on.

He clicked record the second he could, not wanting to miss a second of this amazing content. Screw the Wayne Tik Tok account. Tim was going to be introducing the world to the Batfam.

Two hours later, Tim was in his room, watching his phone light up with likes and comments on his new account, RobinsandtheBat.

He couldn’t help but smile a bit as he opened the one and only video he’d posted, which had over 2,000 likes already.

It depicted Nightwing and Red Hood, standing next to each other, obviously angry. “THE ENTIRE CITY IS ON QUARANTINE, B. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE STILL HAVE TO PATROL?” Nightwing yelled, sounding desperate. Red Hood nodded along, arms crossed.

And Batman... poor Batman. He put his head in his hands, rubbing all the way down his face before looking at the other two vigilantes. “This is Gotham, the fucking coronavirus isn’t going to stop crime.”

Red Hood’s shoulders straightened, “Well neither is an idiot in a bat costume, Bats. Come on, just ONE movie night!?”

“ _No_.”

And the comments section... ohhhhh, the comments section. His favorites so far read:

“Wait... is this the actual Batclan??? ON TIK TOK??”

“Wow, that’s one helluva cosplay. Good job guys.”

“IS THAT THE BATCAVE”

“Is Batman a strict dad? Evidence says yes.”

“Let them have their movie night, Bats, come on.”

“Batman says fuck.”

Suffice it to say, Tim was having a great time.

Tim was a planner. He planned everything. And therefore, he had a plan for how the next video would go down.

Oh it would go down, alright.

In fucking history.


	2. Follow Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, just to be clear, I’ll probably be updating this fic daily or every other day though I have one thing to ask...  
> How are you guys finding this fic? It’s like the most obscure thing ever and I spent like thirty seconds on the tagging, I... don’t understand.
> 
> But however you guys are finding this, I’m glad you are. Here’s chapter two for you, enjoy your quarantine, I’m officially stuck on a tropical island for the rest of the month because all plane flights to and from it got cancelled sooooooo

The camera started rolling. Red Robin stepped back from the camera, dressed in full gear, standing in the middle of the Batcave.

He waved, pointed up, where a title read. “No, this isn’t cosplay.”

He made a confused face, “Unless I’m cosplaying myself???” Red Robin shrugged, “Quarantined and bored.” He pointed down, “So I guess we’re doing Tik Tok dances until Bats comes home.”

And with that, Red Robin began dancing, doing the simple dances that had gone viral on the app.

And then, in the middle of Dua Lipa’s “Don’t Start Now,” Red Robin’s head jerked up, his shoulder’s stiffening. He ran to the camera and everything on screen was too blurry to make out.

Things went black, and the video ended.

The comments section was raging, wondering what had happened at the end, and of course:

“WAIT THAT’S ACTUALLY RED ROBIN”

“THE BATCAVEEEEEE”

“BATCLAN? MORE LIKE BATFAM!!”

But no one was ready for the third video, posted fifteen minutes after the second one. It was clearly a follow up to the previous one, but this time no music played, and you could hear all the ambient sounds of the Batcave.

The shakiness cleared, camera focusing on the garage door. It was obvious that Red Robin had grabbed the phone and dived behind the desk it had been sitting on.

The Batmobile sped into the cave, coming a sudden halt. The top opened and Nightwing and Red Hood jumped out, “MOVIE TIME!!!!” Nightwing screamed. Red Hood moved to stand right in front of the camera, his large chest blocking the view. His helmet came into view, obviously having taken it off.

“Jesus, quiet down. Maybe [BEEP] is actually sleeping for once.” Batman scolded.

Red Robin jumped up from his hidden position, causing the camera to shake slightly as he yelled, “NOPE!”

And Red Hood jumped, screaming a shrill screech. “WHAT THE FUCK!” He yelled, throwing his helmet directly at the camera, causing the phone to hit the ground.

The video ended, causing even more chaos than before.

Tim smirked. That had gone even better than planned, and sure, the small crack on the corner of his phone was annoying, but the booming number of likes and comments was enough to nullify that.

After all, he was already closer to 10,000 likes that 5,000 and that was saying something. The video had 8,001, to be specific.

Oh, 8,002.

How wonderful.

His follower count was also ridiculously high, especially since the account had only existed for 5 hours so far.

Well... things go viral fast if everyone’s stuck at home all day.


	3. Jason May or May Not Be Spending This Entire Chapter Shirtless, You Decide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah! Day 3! Guess what? All 50 US States now have confirmed cases of the Coronavirus and Las Vegas has closed all casinos and restaurants. Everything is going to shit, but here’s the 3rd part to make it all better :D 
> 
> I’m not saying this is one of my favorite chapters, but like it totally is #brotherbondingtime

The next video Tim was working on would be posted tomorrow, but he had to get the clips tonight. It was a simple concept, just catching Dick doing Acrobatic Stuff in various places that normal people don’t do that stuff. Tim was careful to make sure that nothing of their day-persona life would be in the frame to expose them, so it mostly consisted of videos he’d taken before on patrol, pieced together into a montage.

But he didn’t have enough clips.

But he knew who could— and would— help him.

“JAAAASOOONNNN!!” Tim yelled, kicking Jason’s bedroom door.

A groggy, “What the fuck, replacement?” could be heard from inside the room.

Tim grinned, “I need your help so pull up your camera roll.” Tim waited as he heard some shuffling inside the room. The door opened to Jason, shirtless (showing off those impeccable abs) with the messiest bed head Tim had ever seen, the white streak in his hair being the only thing that made it look somewhat decent.

“What fucking time is it?” Jason grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

Tim looked at his phone, “3:34 AM.”

Jason raised a tired eyebrow, “And why do you need my camera roll at 3:34 in the morning?”

Tim held up his phone to show the small montage he’d already pieced together. By the time it was over, Jason seemed much more awake. “So?” Tim hinted, “You got anything to add?”

Jason grinned, “You’ve come to the right place.”

It only took fifteen minutes to make the final video, which was a full 58 seconds of Nightwing doing flips, cartwheels, splits, and handsprings in places he shouldn’t. The best part was the end, which Jason had taken today, that consisted on Dick doing 15 back handsprings down the empty 6 lane interstate that was typically filled shoulder to shoulder with cars. But not today. Not when the entire city is locked in their houses.

So obviously, Nightwing’s first thought was to do 15 back handsprings across the asphalt.

And Tim and Jason were howling with laughter.

“Add the Wii music!” Jason suggested, trying to breathe normally again.

“Yessssss,” Tim said, and immediately started adding it.

He hit play again, and the laughing started all over again, watching Dick do a double backflip at the top of Wayne Enterprises, only to land wrong and fall of the side of the building, an expression of horror on his face. The clip turned immediately to the empty highway, where Dick pointed finger guns at the camera and began an over dramatic amount of back handsprings.

There was definitely some other gems in the video, but those were the best two clips, and naturally were saved for last.

(One of the other gems consisted of a zoomed in video of Dick doing the splits on one of Gotham’s gargoyles. It ranks a good 3rd place in the gems category.)

Tim raised his hand for a high five, which Jason gladly returned, and saved it to his phone.

“What are you gonna do with it?”

“I’m gonna post it on Tik Tok.”

“What”

Tim looked to his brother’s shocked, but mischievous, face. “You know, Tik Tok. It’s like vine and musically put together, and people try and be as legendary as Vine but they’re not. That Tik Tok.”

Jason smacked him, “I know what Tik Tok is dipshit, but why are you posting it? Since when did you have an account?”

“Since 7 today.”

“...and have you posted anything?”

Tim smirked, “Well I’m glad you asked.” He pulled up the very first video he’d recorded of Jason, Dick, and Bruce in the Batcave and let it play. The video had over 9,000 likes already.

Jason took his phone, which Tim would normally be mad about, but he let it slide, and started scrolling through the comments and looked at the other video on the account. “You tiny genius.” Jason finally said, handing back the phone.

“Hey! I’m not tiny!” Tim protested.

“You really are,” Jason immediately responded, grabbing Tim’s wrist and holding it up. “Look at the size of your arm, a Barbie doll has more muscle than this.”

Tim snatched his arm back, “Rude bitch.” He grumbled, not even denying it.

Jason chuckled, “I mean, if you don’t want me making fun of you, you could always work out with me. We’ve got free time.”

Tim rolled his eyes, “Last time I did that, you bought a gallon of ice cream and ate it while making me do pushups as you sat on me. No thanks.”

Jason rolled over laughing, “I did, didn’t I? Ohhhh, good times.”

“Yeah, no.” Tim shook his head. “Anyways, I—“ Tim stopped at a knock on the door. Dick opened the door before either Tim or Jason could answer.

Dick paused at the sight of the two of them, not at each other’s throats, in Jason’s room at almost 4 in the morning. “Umm, I’m not going to ask... anyways, have either of you seen Damian? I haven’t seen him in a few hours and I’m starting to get worried.”

Tim and Jason shrugged, “No idea.”

Tim rolled off the bed, “Speaking of the demon spawn, if he’s missing then I gotta make sure he didn’t take any of my stuff. See you‘round, Jaybird. And I’ll send you a link to the account if you want.”

“Please,” Jason answered.

Dick looked at them in confusion, “What account?”

Tim shrugged, preparing to lie through his teeth, “Oh just some random Tik Tok account. Jay and I were watching it to pass the time, cause you know, being quarantined is boring.”

“Oh cool, can you send me it to me too? There’s only so many handsprings I can do before I get bored.” Dick joked.

Jason coughed loudly, trying to cover up his laughter. Tim’s tried his best to maintain a poker face. If only he’d been recording...

“No.” Tim deadpanned, and hurried out of the room, leaving Dick looking highly offended.

Inside his room, Tim sent Jason the link to his Tik Tok. Just as he was heading to his computer, something caught his eye outside the window. He opened his text messages and walked to the other window in his room, ready to switch tabs to his camera once he sent the text.

To: Jason

Found the demon spawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tehehehe :))
> 
> Also, feel free to comment some ideas for future chapters or send me links to posts. I already have a chapter written out based on a post Duckie_Gordon sent me, and I’d love to see more. It doesn’t even have to be originally related to the Bats, just give me some ideas.


	4. What is Robin Up To?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to find out what Damian was doing while Jason and Tim were tik toking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again and welcome to Chapter 4. Everything in the world keeps getting worse and worse, and it’s kinda scary and depressing ngl. And not to be that person, but I just want everyone to know that it’ll be okay. We’re living history rn and one day your grand children or something will be like “what did you do during the Coronavirus?” And you’ll look at them proudly and say “I read fanfiction.” And that’s how it’ll be. We’re gonna be okay, but for the time being, lets sit back, relax, and enjoy this fourth chapter cause I had a great time writing it and I think you guys will like it too.

Tim smirked. He’d already prerecorded a new video to be posted tomorrow. But right now, he was having an interesting experience.

From: Jason

Lemme guess, he’s on your ceiling.

To: Jason

Nope, better.

I’m making this a Tik Tok.

From: Jason

...oh no

Tim leaned further out his window, trying his best to peak his phone around the corner of the building so the sight of Damian trying to smuggle a turkey into the house could be seen.

And before you ask, no, this was not Damian Wayne smuggling in a turkey. This was Robin, domino mask and all, trying to coax a turkey into the garage at 4 AM.

Tim had no idea where the turkey had come from, or why Damian was even out of the house— much less out of the house with a turkey? During a citywide lockdown???

But whatever the situation, the demon brat had been caught in the act by the one person in the family with the means to show thousands of people in the span of ten minutes. Damian was making this way too easy for him.

Just when Robin had almost gotten the turkey inside, Tim got an idea.

A horrible, horrible idea.

And being the loving brother he is, he decided to put this idea into action.

Tim retreated back inside his room, grabbed the one tool he needed, and went to the other window in the room, the one where he initially saw Damian from. He’d only used the other one so Damian wouldn’t catch him recording.

He opened the window quietly and looked down to see Damian looking proud of himself. Tim clicked record once again, an evil smirk on his face.

“HONKKKKKKKKKKKKK”

Tim blew the air horn with all his might, causing the turkey beneath his room to screech and run back into the forest.

Damian looked up in anger, “DRAKE!!!!”

Tim’s eyes widened. Fuck fuck fuck. Abort abort abort. He retreated back inside his room, closing the window and locking it quickly, but he forgot to turn off the video.

He ran to the other window and locked it before turning back to the first, only to see Damian’s angry face an inch away front the glass.

Who the hell had taught Damian that scaling buildings was okay?

Damian banged on the glass, “DRAKE!”

Tim laughed a bit, only to make it clear to Damian that he wasn’t scared of him (though the maniacal look in Damian’s eyes were making this act hard). Then he realized that he was recording.

He held up an ungloved middle finger to Robin before ending the video.

The tik tok went up in two parts. The first part, creeping around the side of the building to see Damian’s attempt at sneaking in the turkey, was the first video Red Robin had posted to contain a caption. “Part 2 coming soon”

And the comments were going crazy, as always:

“Wtf is he trying to do with a turkey?”

“Robin = secret Disney princess???”

“WE NEED PART 2”

“Does bats know about this”

The answer was no, Batman had no idea. But of course, it could be argued that Tim was actually the World’s Greatest Detective, and not the Bat, but of course, the people (and especially Bruce) couldn’t know that. And Bruce definitely couldn’t know about the tik toks.

...at least, not without Tim filming the reaction.

The second part was uploaded in the morning, the second day of the Tik Tok account. The account whose follower count had skyrocketed.

Tim wasn’t bragging, but he wasn’t going to lie either— he was kinda proud.

The second part was only edited twice, with long [BEEP]’s anytime Robin spoke. The first time it happened, a text bar read “He’s yelling my last name like it’s an insult” and the second text bar happened when Robin was banging on the window, a maniacal expression on his face read, “And he gets offended when I call him demon spawn.”

Comments:

“WTF”

“Oh shit! He did that!”

“HoW IS hE cLiMbInG wALLs tHaT fAsT”

“NOOOOOOOO THE TURKEYYYYY”

And the worst part, is that for the viewers of the ongoing tik tok series, they never got to find out exactly how Red Robin dealt with the angry 10 year old outside his window.

....and they will never know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehehehehe
> 
> Thanks to everyone who’s sent me ideas for the next chapters, I can’t wait to write them, let’s keep the ideas coming guys, because this Coronavirus shit could go on for a w h i l e, and I’m gonna need content.


	5. Goddammit Nightwing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5 is here! It’s short, but that’s so you can mentally prepare for the next chapters, which are pretty great and might be based on some ideas you guys gave me :) 
> 
> This one was an idea my friend and I talked about, because this seems like the exact sort of over dramatic shit Dick would do

At 1:30 PM exactly, the Nightwing Acrobatics video went up, the caption reading: “Shout out to Red Hood”

The comments section was going crazy:

“DOES RED HOOD KNOW ABOUT THE ACCOUNT?”

“I dare Nightwing to see how many handsprings he can do down I-56 before he passes out”

“HoW DiD hE sUrViVe tHe FaLl???”

But Tim wasn’t done, not by a long shot. With six videos posted in the last two days, he decided that anything else he recorded today would be posted tomorrow.

And good news, tomorrow came fast. People woke up to a new Red Robin video, and they weren’t disappointed.

The title at the top read, “Nightwing coughed once and has now quarantined himself in his room along with half the food in the house.” There was also a time stamp: 2:48 AM.

Red Robin banged on the door to Nightwing’s room, “HEY DICKHEAD YOU TOOK MY FUCKING COFFEE”

When there was no response, he kept hitting the wood of the door. “DON’T MAKE ME COME TAKE IT FROM YOU”

The door remained shut, but Nightwing’s voice was clear, “YOU DON’T HAVE A SPLEEN [BEEP] YOU’LL DIE!”

The camera shook, as Red Robin threw himself at the door, “NOT HAVING A SPLEEN HAS NEVER STOPPED ME, NOW GIVE ME MY FUCKING COFFEE—“

The video cut off.

Comments section was simple:

“GIVE RED ROBIN HIS COFFEE”

Though, there was a few, “Nightwing has the coronavirus!” And “Why the fuck doesn’t this kid have a spleen?”

By now, people were just waiting for the next video to be posted. In the meantime, they overloaded people’s social medias with questions. What happened to Red Robin’s coffee? Did Nightwing actually have the coronavirus? Where was Batman? And most importantly, did Batman know this was happening?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))))) Thanks for all the love and support on this ridiculousness guys, it’s so much fun to see that you guys like this fic and that it’s doing it’s intended purpose of keeping everyone entertained during this mess known as the coronavirus.
> 
> Also, anyone who wants to make any of this an animatic or a drawing,,, please, I’m begging you, bless us with this, just send it my way and I will be sooo happy


	6. Patrol with Batman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome! To potentially my favorite chapter yet. The world is increasingly getting worse and I’m pretty sure my home county is about to go into lockdown and I’ll be getting back home from vacation just in time to attend! Yayyyyyy...
> 
> On the other hand, I guess that means I get to write more of this fanfic soooo am I really the loser here? 
> 
> Uh... so a few of you asked for some Bruce content, and I’m here to deliver with potentially my favorite Bruce and Tim interaction ever :)

Tim was ready. Tonight was the night he and Batman patrolled alone and he was going to get Quality footage WITHOUT Bruce noticing.

If he could do that... well...

**2 Hours Earlier**

“You’re gonna try and film patrol tonight aren’t you?” Jason asked him, sliding past to get to the bowls. Tim was pretty sure Jason was making cereal... at 5 PM... not that he could judge or anything...

“Yes.” Tim replied simply, pouring himself his third cup of coffee and downing a handful of Pringles at the same time. Yeah, he couldn’t judge.

“And how exactly are you planning on doing that without Bruce noticing?” Jason asked, pulling out a box of Lucky Charms. Tim watched his brother fill the bowl half way up before returning the box to the cabinet and grabbing the Fruit Loops.

“My methods don’t concern you.” He responded simply. If he chugged all of his coffee right now, could he ignore the fact that Jason was combining Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms into one bowl?

Tim figured he might as well try it.

Jason watched silently as Tim chugged his coffee, one eyebrow raised. “You know what? I don’t think you can get away with it. I bet you 10 bucks that Bruce catches you.”

Tim slammed the mug down on the counter, wiped his mouth, and look Jason straight in the eye. “You’re on.”

**Now**

So yeah, Tim had some stakes. He wasn’t about to lose 10 dollars to Jason’s wallet. Nuh-uh.

So, he may have made some adjustments to his suit. Adjustments as in he added a hidden camera to his domino mask and one to the emblem on his suit. He didn’t have to worry about Bruce noticing him recording if even Tim himself couldn’t see the cameras.

And, if this fooled Batman, then he had plenty of chances to get quality footage down the road.

“Tim? You ready?”

Tim made sure that his face was impassive, not betraying any of the excitement he felt, before turning to face Bruce. “Yep, but remember, suits equals code names only!” Tim joked, hoping that the reminder meant he could [BEEP] things out less.

Bruce rolled his eyes in his suit, which is hard to tell he was doing because of the white lenses, but Tim had been around Bruce long enough to understand the body movements associated with an eye roll. “Always calling me out on my own hypocrisy, as usual, _Red Robin_.”

Tim smirked, “Yummm.”

He could tell Bruce liked that one from the annoyed shake of the older man’s head. “Are you ready or not?”

“I was born ready.” Tim replied easily, grabbing his bo. “Let’s hit the road.”

And with that, the Batman and former Robin left on patrol. Due to the citywide lockdown, patrol was easy and only two of them had to go out at a time. Everyone else got the night off. Like the last few nights, Tim wasn’t expecting anything particularly difficult or interesting. Nightwing and Robin had dealt with an idiot that was higher than a kite the other night, wandering down the street shouting, “THE END IS NIGH” while drinking what Nightwing said smelled like Axe Bodyspray in large gulps. They dropped him off at the hospital before returning to patrol.

Other than that, the streets were quiet.

And tonight seemed no different. “Batman,” he said, turning to the imposing figure in front of him.

“Hm?”

“Where do babies come from?”

Tim saw Bruce’s shoulders stiffen, before Batman slowly turned to him. “You’re 17, Red, I think you know where babies come from.”

Tim laughed, “I do, I’m just bored. This is worse than stakeouts. Cause like, on stakeouts at least I know something will happen eventually. This is just four hours of boredom.”

Bruce sighed, “Yeah, I know. But we need to be ready, somehow I doubt that Scarecrow is afraid of the coronavirus.”

Tim nodded, humming. “B?”

“Hm?”

“Who do you think would win in a fight, Scarecrow or the Coronavirus?”

There was a pause, the silence of the night filling the air. Tim was about to give up, assuming that Bruce was ignoring his stupid questions now, when Bruce spoke, “Definitely the Coronavirus.”

* * *

A couple more hours passed, the two of them patrolling the streets. At one point, Tim decided to take a risk.

“Hey Batman?”

“Yes, Red Robin?”

“Can you do a backflip?”

Pause. “Of course.”

“...has anyone ever seen you do a backflip?”

“...yes.”

Tim tried to hide his grin, “Was it Catwoman?”

Batman’s stoic facade cracked, a hint of a smile on his face, “No, it wasn’t Catwoman.”

“Agent A?”

Another pause, “Yes.”

Tim grinned, “Has anyone else seen you do a backflip?”

“No.”

“Can I see you do a backflip?”

“In the cape and cowl?”

“Obviously.” Tim replied, trying to keep the hope out of his voice.

“No.”

“That’s unfortunate.”

“It is.”

“Could I see you do a backflip out of the suit?”

“No.”

“Oof.”

* * *

Tim looked around the city, “It’s weird seeing it so empty.”

Bruce hummed in response, “I find it kind of beautiful.”

Tim did his best to ignore the fact that Bruce was being so open right now, and instead kept his gaze fixed on the skyline. “Part of me loves the emptiness, the other part misses all of the people.”

Bruce didn’t respond, but Tim didn’t need him to. “B?”

“Yes, Red?”

“Thanks for being my dad.”

Bruce stiffened, a smile gracing his face, “Always.”

* * *

Combing through the footage of the night, Tim took the clip of “Where do babies come from?”, “Scarecrow VS the Coronavirus”, and “Can you do a backflip?” along with some scenes of the city and downloaded them to his phone, where he would edit it some and then post. But before he did that, he took his favorite moment from the night, and saved it to his computer for a future Father’s Day present.

The next day, yet another Tik Tok was posted. It started with a pan of the eerily empty Gotham City, the title reading “Patrol with Batman” and then switched to Batman and Red Robin standing on a rooftop together.

“Where do babies come from?”

The shot zoomed in dramatically on the stiffening of Batman’s shoulders before zooming back out. “Red, I think you know where babies come from.”

“Who do you think would win in a fight, Scarecrow or the Coronavirus?” The pause in which it took Batman to respond took up half the video, “Definitely the Coronavirus.”

And the last several seconds of the video were: “...has anyone ever seen you do a backflip?”

“...yes.”

“Was it Catwoman?”

“No, it wasn’t Catwoman.”

And that was the end of the video.

Comments:

“Wow, Gotham is beautiful for once”

“Batman CAN do a backflip!”

“SCARECROW WOULD BE THE CORONAVIRUS’ BITCH”

“BatCat confirmed??”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehehehe, do you guys want to see Bats do a backflip? I know I do.
> 
> Also, I have a plane flight tm (hopefully), so idk if I can post tomorrow, but hopefully this chapter makes up for it.


	7. Jason’s Turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know whether to be flattered or annoyed by the fact that I got harassed by multiple people for not posting yesterday, but I’m gonna go with flattered cause it was sweet. 
> 
> Anyways, I spent all of yesterday in either airports or airplanes and it was interesting, there was like 200 people max in there and my last flight was this tiny ass plane that sat like 20 people and yeahhhh I had an interesting day. It’s weird being in places that are usually ridiculously busy, like there was no one in line for Starbucks and that just... weird. 
> 
> Well, now that I’m done with my small journal about how weird the world is, let’s get going:

“TIM!” Jason yelled, knocking heavily on Tim’s door.

Tim yanked it open, “What?” He snapped. It was 7 in the morning for fucks sake—

“Cass is here.”

Tim had never heard better news in his life, “Cass is here?!!!”

Jason nodded, “Yeah, Superman managed to give her a lift over.”

Tim started moving to leave the room, excited to see his sister, but was stopped by a heavy arm. “Nuh uh, you can’t see her.”

“Why—“

“Why? First off, you don’t have a spleen and she’s been in Hong Kong for the past year. She has to be quarantined for at least another week more than she’s already been. And secondly, you look like shit, Jesus, take a shower.”

Tim frowned, and looked at his clothes. He was wearing a beat up Superboy shirt that he’d had for years after buying it as a joke, and his boxers. Honestly, he’d looked much worse before. But still, everyone was freaking out over him potentially getting the Coronavirus because he “didn’t have a spleen.”

Which, admittedly, was a good reason to limit his human contact even further than it was already being limited. But honestly, Tim saw no problem in letting death take him now.

“I don’t fear the coronavirus.”

“Do you fear Dick’s wrath?”

“No.”

“What about Cass’? You and I both know she won’t let you get sick because of her.”

Tim crossed his arms. Yeah... he feared Cass. She was scary. “Fine.”

He turned to go “take a shower” but was once again stopped by Jason. “Will you stop stopping me?”

Jason laughed, “Sure thing, Replacement. But first, we need to discuss the Tik Toks.”

Tim looked around the hallway, left, right, left, right, up, down, left, right. He leaned in close to Jason, “Give me 20 minutes to shower then meet me on the roof.”

Jason nodded seriously and left. Tim turned and hurriedly took his shower, and by the end of the 20 minutes, he was dressed in proper clothing and waiting on the roof for his older ~~bother~~ brother.

“Alright,” Jason said, walking up to Tim, his combat boots making small, near inaudible thuds on the shingled rooftop. “Let’s talk about this tik tok account. First thing: I want access so I can make content too.”

Well Tim saw that coming from a mile away. “Okay, but one condition: all videos have to be approved by me. No, this isn’t me being stingy or whatever, it would just be way easier to keep track of everything and make sure none of our personal information gets out.”

Jason considered it. “Deal.”

“Deal.”

“So, what do you have in mind?” Tim asked, knowing full well that Jason probably had been thinking about this since Tim first showed him the account.

Jason grinned, “Well... I know that you and I have patrol together tomorrow...”

Tim returned the sly grin, “Yes we do.”

“And I’m not saying that we should cause chaos, but like, we’re in this together now, Replacement. It’s time we had some fun.”

Tim nodded, “For once in my life, I agree.”

Jason held out a hand, a hand shake, Tim realized. “Woah woah, nuh uh, social distancing, remember? No hand shakes.”

Jason scoffed, rolling his eyes, “We live in the same house, dipshit!”

Tim laughed, “That doesn’t matter! I don’t have a spleen remember!?”

“As if you would pass up an opportunity to die!” Jason countered, a wide grin on his face.

Tim laughed, “Oof, got me there. Speaking of oofs, I believe you owe me 10 dollars.”

Jason’s face fell flat, he looked to the ground. “Fuck, I was hoping you’d forgotten about that.”

“Oh no I didn’t. I might forget how sleep schedules work, but I do not forget when I’ve won a bet. Now hand over the money.” Tim responded, holding a hand out for his payment.

Jason grumbled and pulled out his wallet, about to place the $10 in Tim’s hand before he stopped, a smile on his face.

“What?” Tim asked, caution in his voice. _What what Jason up to now?_

“Social distancing.” Jason responded, taking several steps away from Tim before placing the bill on the roof tiles.

Tim stared at it, “ _What the actual fuck, Jay_?”

Jason shrugged, “I dunno, maybe if you’d actually shake on our deal I’ll give you the bill like a normal human being.”

Tim rolled his eyes, “Fine!” He held out his hand, Jason proudly sauntered up to it, shook his hand and then left quickly, leaving the $10 still flat on the tiles. “why?” Tim sighed, staring at it. He picked it up slowly, wondering what the hell he was going to do with this money anyways. It’s not like he could go to his local Chick Fil A and order a chicken sandwich.

What has the world come to?

After dinner, which Cass was unfortunately not invited to (Dick was, though he didn’t go, still claiming to be “too sick,” despite the fact that he has not coughed since the Initial Cough and does not have a fever of any sort), Jason knocked on Tim’s door, and Tim immediately knew what was up.

“Show me,” he said, answering the door. Jason grinned mischievously and handed Tim his phone as he walked in.

Tim clicked play on the video, seeing a disgruntled Batman in the Batcave, head in his hands, muttering something as he searched on the computer. After a moment, the visual on the screen became clearer.

It was a Google search. “How to fight crime when there is no crime”

Tim choked back a laugh. Google results came up with several unhelpful answers, Tim’s favorite being “10 surprising ways to fight crime.” He wondered if dressing up in a bat costume and punching bad guys was a listed option.

Batman huffed in his chair and typed in something else, “Ways to cure boredom.” Tim couldn’t help the laughter escaping his throat. Batman clicked a link, which led immediately to a wikihow. With pictures. Batman clicked out of it, turning off the monitor with a grunt.

The video ended. Jason was looking at Tim with a proud expression on his face and Tim was trying to hold back the tears in his eyes. “Post it. Post it now.”

And Jason did. The caption reading: “SUP BITCHES RED HOOD HERE AND READY TO ROCK AND ROLLLLLLL”

And the comments section welcomed him with open arms:

“YASSSSS MORE CONTENT”

“RED HOOD RED HOOD RED HOOD”

“Batman gets bored like the rest of the world hA”

”is that a wikihow page plz Batman no”

“How much did Red Robin have to pay to keep your silence? We need answers”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the best chapter... but that’s cause it’s setting up for the next few chapters, most of which I wrote yesterday while running off 4 hours of sleep, so have fun with that guys...


	8. Is Robin a Cat? Cucumber Edition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short chapter, based on a post I was sent by Duckie_Gordon... here’s the link
> 
> [Link](https://taro-wong.tumblr.com/post/187534721090/its-for-science-remember-kiddos-it-aint-good-to)

Tim Drake had a theory. It was an important, top secret theory that only he knew about.

So naturally, he was going to tik tok it to thousands of people.

Taking out his camera, he showed the piece of paper in his hand, which read: “Hypothesis: Robin is secretly a cat” and it had two unchecked boxes, one for confirmed and one for rejected.

He approached Damian, who was dressed in his suit and cleaning his katana, attention focused on his task. When Damian turned his back, Tim slowly slid a gloved hand forward on the table, his test in hand.

When he had it in position, he backed away, ready to film the reaction from a safe distance.

Robin turned to place the katana back on the table, but before the metal of the sword could touch the table, his entire body spasmed and he leapt five feet in the air, rocketing himself away from the table.The katana went soaring through the air, clattering to the ground twenty feet away from where Damian had landed.

Tim withheld his laughter, trying his best to keep his cover. He pulled out the paper and pencil and checked, “Confirmed.”

After all, the only true test on if someone is secretly a cat is to see if they get scared by cucumbers.

And the answer in Damian’s case was yes.

Tim grinned and posted the tik tok, ready for the world to discover the truth behind the hero known as Robin.

And yes, he laughed as the comments called Robin out on this new discovery and applauded Red Robin’s detective skills, and he laughed even harder when Jason texted him about it...

From: Jason

AHAHAHAHA DUDE HE’S TOTALLY A CAT I CAN’T BELIEVE I DIDN’T NOTICE THIS BEFORE

To: Jason

IKR

From: Jason

You ready for patrol for tonight?

To: Jason

hells yeah


	9. Patrol Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so people are really liking the Jason and Tim conversations which is good, because that’s basically all the next two chapters are. :)

Tim had installed a camera into Jason’s helmet and emblem earlier that day, and with two cameras on each of them, Tim knew that the footage they got in the next four hours would be pure gold.

“Ready, Replacement?”

“Yeet,” Tim responded, slinging his leg over his motorcycle, Redbird. “I say we comb through Crime Alley tonight, if anyone’s going to be doing stupid shit, they’re going to be doing it there.”

“Does ‘anyone’ mean us or are we actually talking about criminals?”

“Both.”

Jason nodded and mounted his motorcycle too, “If I start singing while riding, is the camera gonna pick it up?”

Tim shrugged, “I don’t know, give it a try. If your voice is any good maybe we can put it in.”

Jason scoffed, “If my voice is any good? Bitch my voice is fucking fabulous.”

“Ok, Red Hood.” Tim responded, turning on the engine.

“Did you just Ok Boomer me?”

“Fuck dude, I sure did.” Tim responded with a slight shake of his head. He pointed finger guns at Jason before speeding out of the cave.

* * *

The first Tik Tok posted from that night was Red Hood, riding his motorcycle down the highway at speeds that were definitely over the speed limit, screaming song lyrics from Hamilton as he passed Red Robin on his motorcycle, giving him the middle finger as he went. It’s questionable whether or not Red Robin screamed, “HEY!” after him and floored it to catch up, but it is known that Red Hood has an amazing voice, even as he got hit in the back of the head with Red Robin’s bō.

The caption read, “Once a theater kid, always a theater kid.”

Comments:

“YESSSSS HAMILTON”

“ONE OF US ONE OF US ONE OF US”

* * *

Tim laughed as he and Jason came to a stop, and put their motorcycles into park. Just the ride over here was tik tok worthy, and they were barely getting started.

“So, do we want to split up for the first hour or so and patrol and meet back up later or stick together?” Jason asked. Tim considered it.

“We can split up for the first hour, cover more ground. Neither of us are expecting anything to happen, but that doesn’t mean we still shouldn’t be alert. You see anything, call.” Tim decided.

Jason nodded, turning to leave before pausing. “Wait, I’m older than you. Why am I letting you make the decisions?”

Tim shrugged, “Cause you trust my judgement?”

Jason huffed, “That’s debatable.”

Tim rolled his eyes, “Okay, whatever. Let’s just get going.”

Jason nodded and left, already moving to complete the unspoken decision between them: Jason took the East side while Tim took the West.

Tim moved across the rooftops, checking for any dangerous criminals or whatever. At one point, he landed on a fire escape, and he was about to jump off and do some cool parkour or something cause he was getting bored, but something had caught his eye. He did a double take, backing up.

Inside the apartment he was currently outside of, was a college age man sitting on the flooor of his apartment, back against the window, oblivious to Tim’s presence. But that wasn’t what had caught Tim’s eye. It was the phone in the man’s hand, playing a Tik Tok that was all too familiar, so familiar that Tim could hear the audio without even actually hearing it.

“NOT HAVING A SPLEEN HAS NEVER STOPPED ME, NOW GIVE ME MY FUCKING COFFEE—“

Tim laughed and pulled out a marker from his suit, the kind that could write on windows. He drew a quick smiley face on the window and signed, “Red Robin” next to it, before turning and jumping off the fire escape to continue his patrol. That was going to be a Tik Tok, and he couldn’t wait to post it.

* * *

The second Tik Tok posted from that night was a favorite of many, simply because the camera went from shaky to a complete stop, backing up, and looking inside someone’s apartment to see someone watching Tik Tok’s from that channel. Red Robin’s laugh could be heard over the silence as he pulled out a marker and signed the window before leaping off the fire escape into the night.

The comments section was gold, as per usual, but everyone was looking for that one comment:

“WAIT WAIT WAIT THAT’S ME! RED ROBIN SIGNED MY WINDOW!!! WTFFFFFF!!! HE WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME AND I DIDN’T NOTICE! WTFFFFFF”

Though, Tim had to say that while that comment was hilarious, his favorite was this one:

“God, Red Robin’s laugh gives me life. So hot.”

* * *

Jason was on the East side, looking down at the one thing he didn’t want to see tonight. Criminals.

He pulled up his comms, “Heyyy, Replacement? We gotta problem over here.”

“What kind of problem?” Tim’s voice sounded over the comms.

“About 40 idiots with guns and hostages sort of problem.”

“...fuck. I’ll be right there.” Tim cursed.

Jason nodded, “I’ll scope out the perimeter in the meantime.” He paused, hearing the telltale click of a gun, seeing one of the hostage’s eyes widen as they were threatened with the gun. “Fuck, this is bad.” He mumbled, trying to keep to the shadows. He couldn’t jump in without a plan, and he certainly couldn’t do anything without Tim there to back him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehehehe is this is fight scene coming up? Why yes, it is, and I’m excited


	10. Patrol Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehe chapter 10, this chapter is one of the ones I wrote while sleep deprived, so honestly just go with whatever nonsense is in here

The third Tik Tok from that night began with a black screen, Red Robin’s voice the only thing that could be made out. “I take it back, I’d much rather be stuck in quarantine than this.”

The camera moved to show Red Hood, his hand poised on his gun, ready to draw it at a moment’s notice. “I dunno, 40 vs 2, what do you think?”

A sigh, “I think I’d like some backup.”

Red Hood paused, “Yeah, but we’ve already decided that that’s not an option.”

The camera moved to show the problem, 40 or so men with guns surrounding 7 innocents. It looked like there were two separate gangs, this could lead to an all out gang war if they intervened now, but the 7 hostages— victims of human trafficking— made it so that the two Red’s had to intervene.

Another sigh from Red Robin, “What are they even doing out here? Don’t they know the city is under lockdown?” The camera shifted to Red Hood.

“I dunno, maybe we should ask.”

The video immediately cut to Red Hood grappling down in the middle of the two gangs, “Hey dipshits, don’t you know that the city is on lockdown? What are you doing out here?”

* * *

Yes, that’s how the plan Tim came up with started. In his defense, it was to distract the gangs while Tim worked from the shadows. Jason would take the brunt of the attack— his armor was better built for withstanding gunfire and he was a better fighter than Tim (though that wasn’t the initial reasoning Jason gave for going in alone, because according to Jay, “Tim had to stay away from anyone who could give him the coronavirus.” Pfft, whatever, Jason just wanted to look cool.)

So yeah, Tim stayed focused on his task, getting the hostages to safety and providing backup for Jason.

Tim ran, body crouched low to the ground, making sure to avoid any stray bullets. Jason may be stronger, but Tim’s slim build made him fast, and that’s what he needed now.

Jason was 10 feet away, guns drawn, shooting round after round, all atttention on him. Tim sliced his bo through the air, hitting knees and occasionally swooping up to strike at heads. Jason was the distraction, Jason had the guns, but Tim was meant to be the real damage. Because while Jason distracted, Tim brought the entire operation down.

He reached the first hostage, and undid her binds. “Shh, everything’s going to be alright. I’m going to get you out of here.” He told her. She nodded, tears in her green eyes.

Tim saw the reflection in the whites of her eyes, and whipped around, before the trigger of the gun could be pulled. He threw a kick, followed by a punch, not letting his newfound attacker hurt him or the woman he was trying to save. The man hit the ground hard, his weapon clattering to the floor. Tim grabbed the gun.

* * *

Jason was actually having fun. Sure, one of his ribs was definitely broken, and his helmet was cracked from a bullet that had hit it dead on, but other than that, he was having fun.

But then something happened that Jason had never expected to see in his life. Something that was definitely becoming a tik tok.

Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne was holding a gun.

Jason was momentarily distracted, wondering if that bullet to the helmet had hurt him more than he realized. Was he seeing things?

In that moment of distraction, Jason got hit in the helmet with the butt of a gun. Another strike to his ribs. His kidney. Fuck. He was being overwhelmed, just because he got distracted by Tim holding a gun. Speaking of, what was Tim doing with the gun? “Replacement!” He yelled, trying to get his brother’s attention as he fended off the punches being thrown at him.

Tim was currently kicking a guy in the balls, which would have been funny if Jason wasn’t getting beaten up. Tim’s eyes widened as he saw the problem, and Jason saw him look to the gun still in his hand and Jason had a moment of _holy fuck I’m going to see Tim shoot somebody._

“ **YEET**!” Tim screamed, throwing the gun with all his strength. It hit the guy currently punching Jason’s ribs, and the force caused the gun to fire, right into the balls of the guy on the other side of Jason.

That was all Jason needed to get back on his feet, grabbing the gun off the ground and using the remaining bullets in it to shoot down the rest of his attackers, laughing as he went.

That was going to be a Tik Tok, Jason would make sure of it.

He saw Tim nod in his direction and Jason returned it, allowing Tim to go back to saving the hostages so Jason could beat people up, sounding like a maniac because he was still laughing at Tim’s creative use of a gun.

There was still many, many bad guys to fight and Jason knew it was a losing battle, but as long as Tim got all the hostages out of the way, then they were good to go. Jason threw a punch to a guys throat as he watched Tim out of the corner of his eye, seeing Tim fend off an attacker as he protected a hostage.

Jason pulled out his grapple gun and pulled himself to higher ground, where he could start sniping the attackers instead of struggling with close quarters combat.

The fight was almost over, Jason could tell by the way the attackers started to come to their senses, the way Tim moving one of the last hostages somewhere safer, the way the blood in his veins started to slow down, no longer coursing with adrenaline.

“Yo, replacement!” He yelled down at Tim.

Tim glanced up, to see Jason fling a batarang through the air at the last attacker that was stupid enough to not run away. Tim gave a thumbs up to acknowledge that Jason had taken care of most of the hostiles. But soon he realized that Jason had more to say. “I didn’t know you had the balls to hold a gun!”

Tim rolled his eyes and flipped Jason off, earning a laugh.

“Are the people okay?’ Jason asked next. Jokes first, innocents alter, ya know?

Tim gave him another thumbs up, “Should be, from what I can tell none of them got injured.” He turned to the last hostage, a young woman who smiled gratefully up at him.

“Thank you, Red Robin. Your Tik Tok account has given me life.” She says, a wide smile on her face.

Tim and Jason both burst out laughing, and Jason ends up having to take off his helmet, revealing his domino mask, in order to breathe.

“You’re welcome,” Tim says, a smile like hers lighting up his features. “You might want to be on the lookout tomorrow, we’ve got some pretty good content from tonight that’ll be posted.”

She nods, still smiling.

“Yeah,” Jason starts, leaping off from where he was standing to land near Tim. “And I know you’re in charge of the channel or whatever, but I will physically fight you if you don’t make the gun one a tik tok.”

Tim groaned, putting his head in hands, “No.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, thanks for all the ideas! Keep them coming cause it seems like I might be in quarantine until April 24 and I think we all know what I’ll be doing if that happens...
> 
> Next up: me channeling my inner Tim Drake as I write about a Tim Drake


	11. Adventures in Sleep Deprivation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim’s sleep deprived, that’s it, that’s the entire plot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta say, this chapter is straight up crack.  
> There’s also a joke in here that will make sense to literally one person in the world, the rest of you just kinda gotta go with it. Enjoy....

Fuckkkkk, Tim was tired. It’d been nearly two weeks now since the initial quarantine, which also meant that it’d been nearly two weeks since the start of his tik tok account, which also meant that Bruce was bound to find out soon. But that wasn’t Tim’s current problem.

The problem was that the coffee maker was broken, and Tim hadn’t gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in the last 4 days, and patrol two nights ago consisted of a fight Tim wasn’t prepared for (even if Jason had taken most of the damage). Basically everything ever was making his sleep deprivation worse. At this point, Tim had two functions: dead or strangely aware of everything around him, and it would switch between the two without warning.

He stared at the toaster in front of him, slowly putting the bread in and pushing the buttons required to make the bread... toasty... or whatever.

He blinked, but it was more like he momentarily fell asleep on his feet. He heard footsteps behind him, and judging by the way they fell he figured it was Jason entering the kitchen, the thuds heavier than the way Dick or Bruce’s would fall. Though he wouldn’t put it past Damian to walk like that just to fuck with him...

Tim stared at the toaster and slowly waved a hand over the top of it, feeling the heat emanating from it. The toaster beeped, signaling that it was done.

“Pshew! 🍞“ Tim said as the toast popped up, golden brown and ready to be thrown at Damian’s face. No... wait, he was supposed to eat this toast... fuckkkkk... why couldn’t he just do both...

Tim was oblivious to the slightly horrified expression on his brother’s face behind him, as Jason slowly backed out of the kitchen, forgetting entirely of his own breakfast. “How.” Jason whispered, “How did you just say that out loud?”

* * *

Bruce was on his way to the kitchen for breakfast when his son rounded the corner. Which son? Tim. Tim, who was obviously heavily sleep deprived, and no, it wasn’t the plate of toast slices in his hand, unbuttered, no jelly, no cream cheese, no anything at all that gave it away, nor was it the way his feet dragged slightly or the bags under Tim’s eyes.

No, what gave it away was when Tim didn’t even move out of the way when Bruce approached, just kept walking, staring down at his toast whispering, “toasttttt...”

And yes, Bruce tried to move out of the way, but instead of avoiding a collision, his sleep deprived son stumbled directly into Bruce as he fell asleep while walking, the force causing the plate of toast to fall on the ground with a thud.

Luckily, Alfred had learned long ago to buy plates that didn’t break easy, so there wasn’t a mess to clean up as far a shattered ceramic.

Unluckily, Tim’s toast had just been sacrificed to the floor and Bruce had no idea how Tim was going to react.

Tim stumbled back away from Bruce, his dazed eyes never once leaving the pieces of warm bread on the floor, his arms hanging limp by his sides, his mouth opening to speak. Bruce was expecting something along the lines of “noooo my toast” or “sorry” but instead he got a very tired sounding, long, drawn out:

“Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...”

Bruce stood there, watching his son with growing concern the longer the curse word was drawn out. He wasn’t sure what Tim would do next, but he definitely wasn’t prepared for Tim to lay down on the floor, placing his forehead on one of the fallen pieces of toast, and to start sobbing uncontrollably.

Oh dear. Bruce shook his head, bending down to pick Tim up off the floor and carry him to his room. Tim needed sleep and Bruce needed to fix the coffee machine, like, now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY! HEY! YEAH YOU GUYS! WHAT WOULD PATROL WITH DICK AND TIM CONSIST OF? WHAT SORT OF TIK TOK WOULD TIM BE PULLING OUT OF THEIR TIME TOGETHER? GIVE ME SOME IDEAS!
> 
> Also somebody PLEASE draw Tim laying on the ground crying with his forehead on a piece of toast, I’m begging you


	12. Family Bonds

Jason sat in the living room, eyes bright like stars as he watched the news report. News reports are interesting when everyone is in quarantine, because the reporters are reporting from their living rooms and reading off their phones and sometimes a supporting graphic or video would pop up to help you follow along with the story.

And the only reason Jason was interested in the story is because it was about him. More specifically, about Tim’s (and his) Tik Tok account.

“—the account has been taking the world by storm, with candid videos being posted twice a day by Gotham City’s teen vigilante, Red Robin. Recently, however, he seems to have teamed up with the anti-hero Red Hood in making these videos. With over 250 million likes in the past two weeks, and the number growing with each day, Red Robin and Red Hood have provided many viewers a form of relief in these trying times. Here’s a clip of one of their most popular uploads:”

The tik tok shown next was the one with Nightwing doing acrobatic stuff everywhere, which Jason was proud to call his debut on the account.

Despite literally being one of the people to make the video, Jason found himself laughing as he watched Nightwing do an over dramatic flip and land in a trashcan, pointing finger guns at the camera.

“Hey Jaybird—“ Dick’s voice sounded from the hallway. _NO!_

Jason lunged for the remote, grabbing it and fumbling for a moment, trying desperately to change the channel before Dick could see what was on the screen. He flipped the channel, it changed to an action movie, and from the giant screaming monster, Jason figured he was now watching Godzilla.

“Hey, Dick!” Jason exclaimed from his awkward position on the couch. Dick narrowed his eyes, looking at Jason in suspicion.

“What were you watching before I came in here?” Dick asked, voice slow and careful.

_Fuck, think of an excuse_. Jason gestured at the tv, “Godzilla.”

“Sure, and that’s why you’re holding the remote and looking like you just got caught spray painting the bat suit pink.”

...that’s not actually a bad idea. Jason would have to bring that one up with Tim.

“Okay fine, I was watching porn.” Jason sighed, loosening his grip on the remote and leaning back.

Dick raised an eyebrow, “Really dude? On the living room tv?”

Jason smirked internally, finally an excuse that was working. He shrugged, “Maybe I’m kinky like that.”

“Ew, stop.” Dick repsonded, cringing. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

Jason merely laughed, glad that he got Dick off the trail of the tik toks. If he hadn’t... well he didn’t want to know what sort of wrath he’d have to face from Tim. And seeing as the coffee machine was broken and Tim was probably starting to enter caffeine withdrawal... damnnnn he would have been screwed. “No, you shouldn’t have. But we can totally watch Godzilla together now, bro.” He suggested. “It’s like.. movie night, but at noon.”

Dick eyed him, “You really want to watch Godzilla?”

“Sure,” Jason responded. “I mean, you kinda ruined the mood sooooooo...”

Dick rolled his eyes, “I now realize that I should have opted to stay in Blüdhaven rather than here.”

“Awwwww don’t be like that. We’re way more fun over here.” Jason grinned.

Dick considered it, “Maybe, but I feel like I haven’t seen you or Tim much. I’ve mostly been hanging around with Damian.”

_Fuck, come up with something_. “Well, you did quarantine yourself for like a week so I’d say that’s your problem.”

“Hey! I was being careful!”

Jason laughed, “Yeah I know, but like you totally missed out on the bro bonding time.”

Dick groaned, tucking in on himself and rolling over the back of the couch to sit next to Jason, “Rudeeeeee.”

Jason shrugged, “It’s true though. Tim and I totally got to bond on patrol, he shot a guy in the dick for me!”

Dick’s eyes widened, “Why was Timmy using a gun!?”

Jason laughed and recounted the incident, wanting desperately to show Dick the video but knowing that that would lead to Tim’s wrath, an outcome he wanted to avoid thank you very much. Tim was small, but he made up for it by being terrifyingly good at plans and blackmail.

...especially the blackmail. Jason shivered.

“So yeah, after that we wrapped up patrol pretty fast because wounds and stuff.”

Dick nodded, looking hopeful. “Sounds like fun, maybe Tim and I will have fun tomorrow night.”

Jason’s eyes widened, “You have patrol with Tim tomorrow?”

Dick nodded, “Yeah.”

Trying to not let the excitement he felt betray him, he nodded along with Dick, “We just have to make sure the coffee machine is fixed by tomorrow, or I’ll have to go with you or something.”

Dick raised an eyebrow, “The coffee machine’s broken?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure Damian was trying to get back at Tim for the turkey incident.”

“The turkey incident?”

_FUCK_

“Yeah...” Jason trailed off, mad at himself for letting this slip. “Tim caught Damian trying to sneak a turkey into the house and may have used an air horn to scare it off.”

“Why am I just now hearing about this?” Dick questioned.

“Uhhhhh I dunno, guess Tim and I figured Damian would have ranted to you about it or something...”

Dick just sighed, “That actually explains a lot.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jason asked after a beat, his attention momentarily taken by the movie.

“Oh occasionally he’ll just come up to me and rant for five minutes straight about how annoying Tim is without giving me any details and when I ask he just huffs and walks away.” Dick explained.

Jason paused... that also wasn’t a bad video idea... “Oof.”

Dick looked at him, looking strangely surprised. “You’ve been hanging around Tim too much.” He stated, matter of factly.

“What?! No, I barely see him.” Jason defended, despite knowing it was absolutely true.

Dick rubbed his hand down his face, a smile on his face as he did so. “I seem to remember a time when you wanted to kill Tim.”

Jason opened his mouth to retort, but no sound came out. He closed his mouth, looking down, “He’s... not as bad as I thought.”

Dick chuckled, “No, he’s a good kid. Damian is too, just he’s a bit more difficult... just promise you won’t pick up Tim’s other habits, like tumblr or death wish coffee.”

“What’s wrong with tumblr?!” Jason asked, hand on his chest in offense.

“Nothing, just Tim spends way too long on it. I hardly see you two as it is.”

“What if we just don’t want to see you?” Jason retorted, a smirk on his face.

Dick gasped sarcastically. “Hey! Don’t be so rude to your big brother!” He yelled, tackling Jason onto the floor.

Now, Jason wasn’t ticklish. Side effect of the Lazarus Pit, he figured. However, that never stopped Dick from trying. Dick on the other hand, was ticklish on the side of his ribs, underneath his arm, and Jason was going to exploit that to the full potential.

* * *

Bruce had just finished fixing the coffee machine when he heard the inhumane screeching coming from the living room.

What were his children up to now?

Good news, he knew it wasn’t Tim causing the noise since he was asleep, which meant that it most likely wasn’t Damian either unless Jason had REALLY managed to piss the kid off.

He shook his head and went to go stop whatever was happening in the living room, wondering how he’d managed to last 2 weeks with five children in the house without going insane

...Okay, to be fair he was definitely going insane. He was so used to having weeks worth of cases to work on that now that he didn’t, he had to resort to things like fixing the coffee machine and trying to be discreet as he begged Alfred to give him something to do. Patrol was his only solace, and even then, the way they’d scheduled it made it so he only got to got out about once or twice a week.

He walked through the doorway into the living room to see Jason kneeling over Dick, tickling him ruthlessly while Dick squirmed, trying to push his brother off, tears in his eyes.

Bruce couldn’t help the smile that played across his lips. Of course, Dick had no hope of getting Jason off of him, and no amount of training could fix that. The way Jason was kneeling made it impossible for Dick to move, and Jason’s sheer weight just made it even more impossible.

Bruce pulled out his phone and took a photo of the scene, knowing that he’d have to give it to Alfred to frame.

He watched a bit longer as Dick tried his best to breathe, and Jason didn’t relent on his incessant tickling, before Bruce decided to intervene. “Jason, get off your brother. Let him breathe.”

Jason looked up, not exactly looking like a deer in headlights, but it was somethingsimilar, before he rolled his eyes and moved off of Dick. “You’re so boring, Bruce.”

Bruce chuckled, “I let you tickle him for longer than you think.”

Dick’s eyes widened, “Traitor!”

Jason laughed, and raised a hand for Bruce to high five. Ah what the hell right? He half heartedly recirprocated the high five just for Jason’s sake. He would be lying if he said the smile on Jason’s face didn’t make him happy. It wasn’t often that he got to see Jason, so when Jason had accepted Bruce’s invitation to stay at the Manor during the quarantine period, he’d been excited to see his second oldest son more often.

Dick had also accepted the offer, packing a bag and moving back into the Manor so he wouldn’t be alone in Blüdhaven during the quarantine. Bruce was happy to see all four of his sons home at once, even if it meant he had to hear Damian’s complaints about Tim and Jason “being suspicious.”

Bruce didn’t know what “being suspicious” meant, but he was thinking that he might start looking into it since he had nothing else to do, but part of him wondered if that was just Damian being Damian. The kid didn’t really like either of the aforementioned people, really only tolerating Dick.

Bruce didn’t notice anything suspicious from any of his sons, though he was aware that Damian had tried (multiple times) to smuggle a turkey into the house (he named it Bat-Turkey officially, but Bruce was pretty sure he’d heard Damian slip up and call it Dorothy once too). He was also aware that his patrol with Tim had been a bit weird, but he could blame that on Tim’s boredom and lack of sleep. In fact, the weirdest thing was that the only incident of attempted murder in the household was when Tim had interrupted Damian’s turkey smuggling, but Bruce wasn’t going to complain.

He walked out of the living room, saying goodbye to his sons and telling them not to fight each other, he headed up to Cass’ room. This was the last day of her quarantine, which was good seeing as she showed no symptoms of the coronavirus.

Bruce had been careful when moving her from Hong Kong to the Manor, having to pull a few strings with Clark to get her here. After that, he’d made sure to keep her under further quarantine, out of caution for Alfred and Tim’s health. But now that her week was up, making her total quarantine time about a month, he was positive that both his butler and third son were safe, which meant he got to see his daughter more often too.

Boredom aside, Bruce had to say... this whole quarantine thing wasn’t all that bad.


	13. Cass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeeeeeeet, my girl Cass
> 
> Italics is for sign language btw

“CASSSSSS!!!” Tim screeched, running down the hallway at inhumane speeds to wrap his sister in a rib-breaking hug.

He heard her laugh (bless that laugh, it was the best thing to hear in the world) and he spun her around in the air before setting her back down on both feet, a wide smile on both of their faces.

“Hi,” She greeted.

“Hey, was quarantine fun?”

“No.”

“Oof.”

“Yes, oof.”

He laughed, god he’d missed her. She was the best, most badass person in the world and he was definitely introducing her to the account.

* * *

“So, these videos—“

“Tik Toks,” Tim reminded her.

“Yes, Tik Toks, they are because you are bored?”

Tim nodded, letting his body language speak for itself. Cass was wonderful in battle, but she still had some language barrier issues, so he tried his best to use a mix of body gestures as well a spoken language. A sort of middle ground for them.

“Why were you bored?” She asked, signing at the same time to make sure her point was clear.

Tim shrugged, “I dunno, I just was. Plus, these are a lot of fun. Here,” he clicked play on the YEET one, simply because he knew she’d like it.

And she did, laughing as she watched the gun go off and Tim’s mildly horrified, mildly proud expression. “You did not mean to shoot him?”

“Nope, but Jason thought it was hilarious.”

_Does brother know?_ Cass signed.

“You, Jason, and I are the only ones that know.” He responded, pointing to her, signing Jason’s name, and pointing to himself to make his point clearer for her. She nodded.

“Can I dance?” She asked him.

He tilted his head, showing his confusion. “Dance?”

“Yes,” she said, before raising her hands to sign again. _Ballet in suit. Learned new dance in quarantine_.

“Oh,” Tim said, a smile crossing his face. “Sure, that sounds perfect. Do you want me to post it?”

She tilted her head before nodding, a smile on her face. “Tik Tok.”

He figured that was a yes, “Yeah,” he said, a moved his hands to sign as he said the rest, “People will love to see you dance.”

He smile grew, “When?”

Tim considered it, “Now?”

She nodded, moving off the bed they’d laid down on to watch the tik toks. _I will get dressed_.

He nodded a confirmation, before switching to text Jason.

To: Jason

Cass is gonna dance some ballet for a tik tok. Could you make sure everyone stays out of the cave while we film?

From: Jason

Sure.

From: Jason

Show me when it’s done, I love Cass’ dancing.

To: Jason

No problem

Tim grinned and rolled off the bed, grabbing his speaker so he could play Cass’ music and then he went down to the cave where they’d be filming the next tik tok.

* * *

Cass was wearing her Black Bat suit when she walked out, however her boots had been exchanged for ballet slippers. Tim couldn’t help but wonder how terrifyingly beautiful it’d be to watch her dance, seeing as the stitching on the suit’s face made her appearance threatening, while her graceful movements when dancing would be graceful as always.

She took her phone and typed in a song before handing it to him. He nodded, taking it to press play when she was ready. Tim had already set up his phone and all he had to do was press record.

“Ready?” He asked.

“Yes.”

He clicked record and play on the music, and then leaned back to watch Cass’ dance.

Her movements were graceful in ways Tim couldn’t even understand, legs switching from quick motion to slow sweeps, changing from flat footed to on-point. She spun and kicked and bowed and flipped. It was clear she’d added details to the dance that weren’t typical ballet, they were Cass.

Tim never thought watching someone dance would be the sort of thing that could take your breath away, but Cass’ dancing could do that to anyone. Even Bruce. He made a mental note to tell her that she needed to show Bruce and Alfred the dance, since it was so beautiful.

The dance lasted only about two minutes, maybe slightly longer, but it was the most amazing two minutes ever. Tim admired Cass for the way she fought, her ability to predict movements and her speed despite having no powers or physical enhancements was unrivaled, and watching her dance only further proved that. Cass’ dancing was like a non-threatening extension of her fighting, and she pulled no punches.

Tim clapped madly, despite being a one person audience, he heard his applause echo in the cave. Cass bowed, and Tim turned off the video before going to hug her, signing so good as he approached.

“Thank you, Tim.”

He nodded, wrapping his arms around her and squeezing tight before letting go. _I could cry, that was beautiful._

She took off her mask to show the smile on her face, “Do not cry, it’s only a dance.”

He chuckled, “Show Bruce and Alfred tonight. They will love it. Everyone else too.”

“Okay,” Cass responded, a blush on her cheeks.

* * *

Both parts of the dance were posted back to back, seeing as the dance went over the time limit for tik toks. It didn’t matter though, because everyone went batshit crazy over Cass’ performance. (Ha, batshit)

Comments:

“BLACK BAT WOOOOOOOOO”

“THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL OMG”

“SHE DANCES BALLET LIKE ME”

“I AM LITERALLY CRYING SOMEONE SEND AN AMBULANCE”

* * *

That night, Cass stood in the living room in her leggings and t-shirt, ballet slippers on. The rug had been rolled back by Jason and Dick to reveal the hard wood floor for Cass to dance on. Everyone else sat on the couch, the first time other than dinner that all 7 members of the family were in the same room. 8 if you count Titus, who laid on the floor under Damian’s feet.

Cass danced, twirling and moving in ways that made her look like an angel, and seeing it a second time was just as beautiful as the first to Tim, but this time he could see the smile that graced her face the entire time she danced, making the performance even better.

Alfred was crying by the end, Bruce definitely had tears in his eyes, Damian seemed uninterested and like he didn’t care, his attention focused on petting Titus, though Tim had caught the look of awe on his face while Cass had been dancing. Dick and Jason had run up to her while she was dancing and given her a hug, lifting her off her feet with their combined hug. Tim decided, fuck it, and joined in on the hug.

When they broke away, Jason looked at Cass. _Absolutely amazing_ , he signed. Dick nodded, signing, _I can’t wait for another._ Cass nodded and smiled in response. _Learning a new on_ e.

The three of them cheered, and Tim saw the blush of embarrassment on Cass’ face. Usually, Tim tried to stray away from embarrassing people, but in this case, Cass deserved all the praise in the world. And she was getting it, through the tik tok account.

When they all settled on the couch for movie night, which all 8 of them were attending for once as a celebration of having Cass around finally, Tim pulled out his phone and leaned over.

_Reviews on your dance_ , he signed and showed her the comments section, which was over flowing with praise. She read a few of them.

_Why does this person need an ambulance?_ She signed.

He chuckled, _Exaggeration. They really liked your dance_.

_Oh_ , she said, her smile growing. _Thank you for letting me dance for them_.

_Always_. Tim signed back, putting away his phone and glancing to see Damian and Jason arguing over the movie choices while Dick tried to be the middleman. _We can post your next dance too._

“I would like that.” She whispered to him, not signing this time due being busy reaching for the popcorn that Damian had left in his seat in favor of arguing with Jason. Tim grinned, taking a handful.

“You’re the best sister in the world.” He told her, making sure his body language confirmed it as well.

“You are the best brother.” She responded, taking a piece of popcorn and throwing it at Bruce, watching it hit him square in the face.

Bruce looked taken aback, but when he realized Cass was the one who threw it he smiled and threw some back.

Tim realized then that this was the real Bruce Wayne. Not Batman, not the playboy, not the billionaire. This Bruce Wayne, who carried his son to bed after he had a mental breakdown on the floor. This Bruce Wayne, who watched his daughter’s dancing with tears in his eyes. This Bruce Wayne, who took in child after child because he understood them. This was the real Bruce Wayne, the Bruce Wayne that would do anything for his family.


	14. Patrol with Nightwing (oh no)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the suggestions guys! I tried to hit as many of them as possible in this chapter, but obviously I didn’t get to all of them. Also, there’s a few of my own ideas in here, cause I got carried away......

After movie night, Dick and Tim waved a quick goodbye to everyone and went down to the cave to get suited up for patrol. Tim had already augmented everyone’s suits so that the cameras were in each of them, regardless of whether or not the person was aware of the account existing. That meant, he could get some awesome footage from any patrol, even if he wasn’t on it. (Meaning he wouldn’t miss it if another “THE END IS NIGH” situation happened.)

Of course, those were the humorous benefits of the camera, but Tim couldn’t help but think of the tactical benefits, especially once the quarantine lifted. Having the cameras meant they could get video footage of crimes happening and would be able to slow down the speed of the videos or use them to apply facial recognition software to it.

It almost made Tim wonder why Bruce hadn’t installed cameras earlier, though he knew that at one point the suits had cameras in them, he just didn’t know why they were taken out. Maybe security reasons? He’d have to ask Bruce about it.

“Hey Timmy,” Dick started. “I keep seeing clips online of me doing backflips off things? You know where they’re from?”

Yes, Tim thought. My glorious Tik Tok account that I’ve yet to tell you about because I like messing with you. “I dunno, I know Jason films stuff on patrol sometimes. Plus, it’s not like the Gotham citizens have anything better to do than to watch you do backflips.”

Dick nodded, thinking. “True, I just wonder why Jason would post that sort of stuff. Bruce would probably kill him if it exposed our identities.”

“If it is Jason, I’m sure he’s being careful. Besides, its not like you don’t love being the center of attention.”

“Hey!” Dick smacked him across the shoulder, “Just because you’re not wrong doesn’t mean you have to call me out on it!”

Tim laughed, as he straddled Redbird again. “Let’s just get going, you attention-seeking maniac.”

He left Dick standing there, jaw agape.

* * *

They followed the same plan Tim and Jason had used, first hour separate and the next three working together (so they don’t get bored).

The first hour was peaceful, and at one point Tim found himself standing on the roof of one of Gotham’s tallest skyscrapers, staring out at the quiet city, relishing in the way the wind whipped around his shoulders, making his cape flutter dramatically. He loved seeing the quietness of everything, no people on the sidewalks, no cars on the streets. Everything was peaceful in a way that he wanted to remember forever.

* * *

The first hour ended, no problems to be found. The streets were silent, which left Dick and Tim to find something to do in order to occupy their time.

Now, that’s not to say they were going to start messing around and completely give up on patrolling, no, they were aware that anything could go wrong at any given time. It’s just... they weren’t going to be taking patrol as seriously now.

Tim met up with Dick outside a coffee shop. Why a coffee shop? Because Tim needed coffee, obviously.

Technically, is it breaking and entering if you’re a vigilante, the entire city is on lockdown, and you intend on leaving money for the owner?

Tim figured, no, it wasn’t a crime as long as he paid for the coffee.

Dick was doing a handstand on one of the tables as Tim slid behind the counter and started making himself a coffee.

“Hey, Dick.” He began.

“Yeah, Timmy?” Dick replied, his voice sounding a bit off from being upside down.

“Do you know any Tik Tok dances?”

Dick made a confused noise before righting himself and sitting cross legged on the table. “No? Should I?”

Tim shrugged and added like five more shots of espresso to his coffee. “No, I just figured we could do some tonight since it seems like it’s gonna be a slow night.”

“You could definitely teach me some.” Dick suggested.

Tim grinned, “I’d love to. But first question, how do you not know any tik tok dances?”

Dick sighed, leaning back on the table and draping his arms over the sides dramatically. “Babs. Anytime I try to download it she hacks into my phone and deletes the app. She keeps saying I’m gonna get addicted.”

Tim laughed. “True. Jason and I are totally addicted.”

Dick groaned, “Is that what you guys do all say without me? Just watch Tik Toks?” Dick bolted up, eyes wide in his domino mask. “Does Jason know Tik Tok dances?”

“No,” Tim replied, though he wasn’t sure. “At least I haven’t shown him any. I’m pretty sure he likes watching the ones where people fail all the time.”

“Oh good,” Dick said, relieved. “I was about to say, if Jason knows these dances and I don’t then we’re gonna have a problem.”

Tim laughed, and looked at his coffee. “Hey, I bet I can chug this coffee in the time it takes you to do seven separate backflips.”

“Tim, no.” Dick started.

“Actually, I take that back. I bet you $10 that I can chug this entire thing before you finish seven separate backflips.”

“Wha—“

Tim started chugging, looking at Dick out of the corner of his eye.

Dick cursed and stood up, starting to do as many backflips as he could, knowing that just because he didn’t agree to the bet didn’t mean that Tim wouldn’t still make him pay up.

He was at his fifth flip when Tim slammed the cup down, “Done. You lost.”

Dick let out a wail of anguish and slumped to the ground, putting his hand into a hidden pocket and pulling out a ten dollar bill, holding into the air.

Tim snatched it from his brother’s fingers with a evil grin on his face. That made twenty dollars, between Jason and Dick. He’d consider making a bet with Damian, but he knew from past experience that Damian would rather get stabbed than admit he lost a bet.

And yes, the chug vs backflips was the first Tik Tok posted from that night. And yes, people loved it, wanting more. But people weren’t prepared for the next tik toks, which only got more chaotic from there.

* * *

The second tik tok posted from that night consisted of Nightwing standing inside a shopping cart, doing the “Say So” dance as Red Robin kicked the cart and sent it rolling down the aisle at dangerous speeds.

And no, the grocery store wasn’t closed. It was one of the very, very few stores that remained open despite the lockdown. So yes, there was some poor worker out there who had to watch Nightwing and Red Robin waltz in there, take a shopping cart, and start being absolute idiots.

The camera shifted to the shelves, which were absolutely empty. “This is the toilet paper aisle” the title read.

It turned back to Nightwing, who had crashed at the end of the aisle and was currently giving a weak thumbs up, before the video ended.

Comments:

“AHHHH DOES NIGHTWING KNOW”

“YASSSS BRING BACK DISCOWING”

“THE TOLIET PAPER CRISIS 2020”

“Nightwing’s in the shopping cart cause he a snacc”

“Everyone be like ‘woah, it’s Nightwing’ but I be over here like ‘dayum look at that ass’”

* * *

The next tik tok posted was Nightwing, looking very annoyed, gesturing wildly with an ice cream cone in his hand, “So you’re telling me, that _ICE CREAM_ isn’t an essential business. That’s real funny. Let’s be real about this for sec, mk?”

And that was it. No explanation. No follow up. That was the entire tik tok and no one knew what the hell it meant.

Comments:

“In honor of nightwing, at midnight, I SCREAM YOU SCREAM WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM”

“How’d he get the ice cream then. RR, we need answers”

“What flavor?”

>“I bet he’s a birthday cake dude”

“Do you both have ice cream or is it just nightwing....?”

“Come RR, give us what we want, give us Nightwing’s butt”

* * *

Okay, let’s back up. You might be wondering, where did Nightwing get the ice cream from?

It’s simple really. There was an ice cream store.The sign outside the store said it was closed, so Dick, being who he is, broke the back window (he says it was an accident, but was it really?), got himself some ice cream, wrote a note and left some money and Nightwing merch (cause he always has _SOMETHING_ on him), stole some cling wrap and tape from them, climbed back out the window, and proceeded to tape the window closed with cling wrap.

Simple.

And no, Tim wasn’t laughing the entire time while he ate his ice cream. That would be ridiculous. He didn’t even want the ice cream in the first place and the entire situation certainly wasn’t hilarious.

* * *

Red Robin nudged Nightwing’s side, a smirk on his face. “Hey.”

“What?”

“Where do babies come from?”

Nightwing’s eyes widened, momentarily taken aback. He spluttered for a moment, “Uhhh....”

The video went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: what has Damian been up to this entire time? and oh god.... what is he doing with the glitter?
> 
> [this](https://youtu.be/M5azNpTwVk8) is me at this point


	15. Damian’s Turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know how interesting it is writing from the perspective of a character that literally HATES your favorite character? Hint: very

Damian was going to _MURDER_ Drake. First, the idiot had the _AUDACITY_ to scare away Dorothy like that after he’d spent hours trying to bring her home. Then, he left a cup of his coffee by the Batcave computer and Damian had accidentally grabbed it instead of his drink, and he’d gotten a mouthful of Drake’s _DISGUSTING_ excuse for coffee, which wasn’t even hot, by the way. Also, the annoyance had the _GUTS_ to change the passcode to his account on the Batcave computer, which meant hacking into the account was taking him days instead of hours. Not only that, but Damian had caught Tim messing around with his suit three days ago, and if that wasn’t a crime punishable by death, then he didn’t know what was.

And finally, finally, the worst offense yet: Grayson had come back from patrol smiling. He was on patrol with Drake, which clearly meant that Drake had obviously drugged Grayson or something because no one spends time with Drake and comes away from it happy. No. One. It’s impossible, he’s too much of an insufferable ass-faced excuse for a human being.

Now that that was aside, he had work to do. Father had already fixed the coffee machine— that bastard— and Damian hadn’t managed to crack into Drake’s account in the time that Drake was asleep, which meant he needed to do something else, something worse, in order to get Drake out of commission for long enough for him to do his worst to Drake’s account.

He let a grin slowly slide over his face. He knew what he was going to do.

* * *

Drake was in the living room with Todd, Grayson, and Father, watching the Mayor of Gotham make a speech.

“—Gotham will remain on lockdown until April 24th due to growing health concerns as a result of the Coronavirus. Halting the spread of this virus is our immediate concern because if too many people contract the virus and end up in the hospital, we will eventually run out of ventilators, of beds, of doctors and nurses to treat the sick. And therefore, I urge all of you, please, stay indoors. Wash your hands often and wear masks and gloves anytime you absolutely need to leave the house. Please, do your part to keep your friends, loved ones, neighbors, and even complete strangers safe from the Coronavirus. I understand that remaining in lockdown until the 24th is a dramatic measure, but I and the health officials of Gotham are working to keep the citizens of this city as safe as we can from this virus. Emergency services will continue to run as well as essential businesses such as gas stations and grocery stores—“

Damian stopped listening after that, instead choosing to sneak up into the kitchen to get what he needed to plot his revenge on Drake.

Unfortunately, the kitchen was occupied. By who? By Pennyworth and Cain. He narrowed his eyes. Something smelled good...

“Hello Master Damian,” Pennyworth greeted, smiling. “Can I help you with anything?”

“Tt.” Damian shoved past Cain to reach into the “Arts and Crafts” drawer. Huh, whatever, that was just an excuse for Grayson to have a drawer full of pranking supplies for when Todd visited.

Seeing as Damian hadn’t seen any pranking going on, he figured he might as well start it. He grabbed tape, glue, glitter, scissors, more glitter, and finally, he closed the drawer and reached into the pantry to grab the box of Drake’s ground coffee.

“What... are you doing with that?” Cain asked him, her English pathetically broken.

“Tt. None of your business, _Cain_.” He spit out, and strutted out of the kitchen. He had work to do.

* * *

After seeing the news, which was depressing by the way, 10/10 don’t recommend, Tim went down to the Batcave to edit a new compilation he and Jason had been toying around with the past few days. He needed to pull one or two more clips from the suits and he should be good to go.

The first thing he noticed was the two cups on the desk, one being his mug from this morning, the other being a glass of... cranberry juice? Tim gagged a bit. Damian was obviously here, seeing as no one else in the family would stoop _that_ low.

The second thing he noticed was that a program was running. A password breaking program to be more specific. And Tim knew exactly who had set it up and what it was breaking into.

Scowling, he started typing at the keys. He was going to make Damian pay for this.

* * *

Damian grinned as he looked at his handiwork. Oh yeah, Drake would be cleaning this mess up for _weeks_. He left the room, washed the glitter and dried glue off his hands, and went to see what Grayson was up to.

The answer: sitting with Todd on the couch.

Part of him wanted to growl and push Todd off the couch, the other part knew that Grayson wouldn’t like it very much if he did that. So instead, he sat down beside Grayson and looked over his shoulder.

It was a Buzzfeed Quiz? Damian’s eyes narrowed in confusion.

“Are you a Ladies’ man?” The question read. Grayson clicked the option, “Hell yeah I am!” With a smirk on his face.

“Hey Dami,” Grayson greeted.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh, Jason challenged me to take this online quiz to see which Robin I am?”

“What?”

“You know,” Todd interrupted. “Like, is he himself, is he me, is he Tim, is he you?”

“That’s stupid. Of course he’s going to get himself.”

Todd laughed, “Okay kid, if you’re so sure, then why don’t you take it after Dick?”

“Tt. Fine.”

He looked back down at the phone in Grayson’s hands. Grayson was answering question after question, but most of them only had three answer choices, which seemed weird given that there were four possible outcomes. Damian didn’t trust this quiz.

“Besides Batman, who is your favorite Justice League member?”

This question had a lot of options, but Grayson automatically clicked on Superman.

At the end of the quiz, Grayson waited for the page to load. Damian noticed his crossed fingers.

“NIGHTWING YES!” Grayson exclaimed, jumping up and doing a little dance before high-fiving Todd.

“Tt. See, I told you.” Damian commented.

Grayson held the phone out to him, “Here, your turn.”

Damian looked down at the screen and started pressing the obvious answer choices that would lead to him getting himself. At the end, the page buffered once more.

The room was eerily silent. The screen loaded.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” Damian screamed, throwing the phone across the room and hearing it crack on the wooden floor.

“Dude what the hell?” Todd cursed at the same time Grayson asked, “Who did you get?”

“Fucking _Drake_.” He cursed. It was rigged. The test was rigged. Of course he was going to get Drake, the rat-bastard probably made the damn quiz himself just so he could fuck with him.

Despite what Damian already had in store for Drake, he began planning his next attack. Drake was going to pay.

Grayson and Todd started laughing manically, seemingly forgetting about the cracked phone in favor of laughing. Damian lunged for Todd’s throat, only to be swatted away by one of Todd’s massive hands.

He hissed, “If you think it’s so funny then who did you get, TODD?”

Todd only laughed harder, crumpling in on himself, wheezing out a strained, “I got you.”

That only increased Damian’s barely contained rage. Just as he was about to pull out a knife from his sleeve, a resounding shriek came from upstairs.

“ _WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK_?”

Damian stopped, a grin taking over his previously angry features. Seems like Drake had found his present.


	16. Ya Dun Messed Up, Ya Dun Messed Up, Ya Dun Messed Up, Ya Dun—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point I’ve just accepted that the world is ending

Jason didn’t know what to expect when he and Dick rushed upstairs to see what was wrong. Maybe the turkey was finally in the house? Or maybe someone had turned all of Tim’s furniture upside down? Or exchanged his laptop with a computer from the 1990’s?

But none of the options that ran through Jason’s head were anywhere near as bad as what had actually happened.

He rounded the corner of the hall to see Tim standing in the doorway to his room, his front covered in glitter, with an expression that conveyed such disgust, such anger, that Jason was honestly kind of afraid. The closer they got, they realized, it wasn’t just Tim who was covered in glitter.

It was everything. The walls of Tim’s room were coated in blues and greens, the floor in red, his bed had piles upon piles of confetti and glitter, Tim’s desk was just as bad. Everything, every surface, every nook and cranny, was covered. Coated in the tiny shimmering demons that are glitter.

Jason slowly pulled out his phone and started recording, because in all honesty, tik tok or not, he needed this on record.

“Tim, are you okay?”

“DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M OKAY?” Tim yelled, snapping out of his trance. “LOOK AT MY FUCKING ROOM JASON!”

Oh yeah, Jason should be scared. They should all be very, very scared.

“WHO THE HELL COVERED MY ROOM IN GLITTER?” Tim screamed, stomping into the room and grabbing a handful of one of the piles of multicolored glitter. “DO YOU FUCKING SEE THIS?” He threw it straight at Dick, who had bravely entered the room.

Jason saw Tim take another breath, about to yell again, but for some reason he stopped.

“No,” Tim whispered, his quietness somehow even worse than when he was yelling. They were all screwed. It didn’t even matter that Jason had nothing to do with it, and neither did Dick since he’d been with Jason all day. Bruce, Alfred, and Cass weren’t safe either. Jason knew that this was undoubtedly Damian’s doing, but Jason also knew that the demon brat had no idea what he’d really just done.

Tim collapsed to his knees, his hands in a pile of... brown... stuff? Jason narrowed his eyes and got closer.

“ _My coffee_ ,” Tim whimpered, picking up a handful of the grains. And then he was sobbing, shoulders shaking, hands clenched, buried in the glitter-ified coffee grounds.

Dick knelt down beside Tim, “Hey, it’s... it’s gonna be okay. We’ll clean this all up in no time.”

Tim’s head snapped up, unbridled anger in his gaze. Dick’s eyes widened and he leaned back when he saw the hatred in Tim’s eyes. “My room. Is covered. Wall to wall. With _glitter_.” Tim growled. “My coffee. Has glitter in it.” Tim had leaned close to Dick now, and the expression on Dick’s face showed that he now understood the gravity of the situation. “My room and my coffee, Dick. The two things that no one is allowed to mess with. Are covered. In glitter. During a quarantine. And you want to tell me that it’s fucking going to be _okay_?”

Dick gulped, “Yeah, we’ll... we’ll all pitch in to help you clean up and we can go to the store and buy you some more coffee... it’s gonna be fun.”

“Fun?” Tim snapped, standing. He moved to one of his dresser drawers and opened it, showing that it too, was filled with glitter. “You think this is going to be fun?”

Tim glared at everything in the room. “No. What’s going to be fun is when I fucking kill Damian.”

And for a moment, both Jason and Dick realized that Tim was not joking, because in Tim’s eyes, in the way that Tim clenched and unclenched his fist, or in the way that Tim’s jaw had set, they both knew: Tim was planning.

* * *

Tim had disappeared. Straight up, gone.

Damian had been missing for a bit until Cass dragged him out of his hiding spot in the ceiling. Bruce had immediately started scolding Damian. And no, this wasn’t the typical scolding, this was angry, this was disappointed, this was what-the-hell-were-you-even-thinking scolding.

They’d all seen Bruce mad, they’d all seen him disappointed, they were all somewhat immune to Bruce’s scolding. But it was Alfred’s reaction that had turned the situation for bad to oh-fuck-we’re-all-in-deep-shit-now.

“Master Damian,” Alfred had started. “Would you care to explain why you felt the need to do this.”

Damian grinned. Oh that brat had the guts to grin. He had no idea what he’d just unleashed on the household. Because Tim was gone, and Jason and Dick had seen the look in his eyes, and they both knew that nothing good would be happening. But Damian was grinning.

“Drake was being suspicious. First he messed around with my suit, and not just mine, but everyone’s—“ The cameras. Tim had mentioned putting cameras in everyone’s suits. “Second, he scared away Bat-Turkey. Third, he obviously drugged Grayson last night.”

“What?” Dick asked, taken aback.

“He left his coffee cup on the Batcomputer desk and he changed his password to the computer too. And he and Todd are being suspicious.”

There was a silence. Cass spoke first, signing, _you covered Tim’s room in glitter because he was... being suspicious?_

“Tt. I don’t know what you’re saying.”

Jason smacked him, “Yes you do, dipshit, do you even realize what you’ve done? I’ve never seen Tim so mad in my life. We’re all fucking screwed.”

“Tt. I’m not afraid of Drake.”

Every other member of the family looked at each other in that moment, and Dick spoke, his voice quieter than usual. “You should be.”

* * *

That night Jason got a single text from Tim.

From: Tim

I’m giving you full control over the account until I get back. Cass knows.

Jason stared at it for a bit. “Until I get back?” What was that supposed to mean? Where was Tim? What was he plotting?

Still, he sent back an “Okay, will do.”

Thirty minutes later he got another text from Tim.

From: Tim

I need a favor

To: Tim

Sure, anything

From: Tim

Bring the Robin suit to the mailbox.

Jason stared at the text. Then he shrugged and went to do just that, not wanting to know what the hell Tim was planning.

* * *

Tim had many things he was planning, but of course he couldn’t start any of them without a certain someone. Well, two someones, but he’d get to the other later. Okay, technically he needed three— oh forget it. He needed help, and it all started with one text message. Okay two text messages— fuck it, let’s just get to the point.

To: Steph

Hey, I need your help


	17. Who Let Steph Discover Quarantine Pick Up Lines?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome, this chapter is purely crack tbh. It could be interpreted as TimSteph, but like, also not really, so I’m not tagging it.
> 
> I also didn’t bother to edit this chapter (sue me) and I couldn’t type for the life of me when writing it so just go with the typos, yeah?

Tim got a text message back pretty quickly, though it wasn’t what he expected.

From: Steph

Hey, did you know that you can’t spell quarantine though “U R A Q T”

Tim cocked his head to the side, having to read the letters out loud to get the joke. He groaned, rolling his eyes.

To: Steph

I’m being serious. I need your help.

From: Steph

Baby, do you need toilet paper? Because I can be your Prince Charmin.

To: Steph

No.

To: Steph

I need to get revenge on Damian

From: Steph

I’m in.

* * *

He met up with Steph at her apartment, one hand stuffed in his jacket pocket, the other holding a grocery bag. He’d just stopped by the store and bought something he figured she’d like, a bribe, if you will.

Not that he needed to bribe her in order to get revenge on Damian. Steph was probably more than happy to do that.

He knocked quickly, and waited. The door swung open to show Steph in all her beauty, wearing baggy grey sweat pants, a loose purple crop top, and her hair in a messy, near disastrous bun. She smiled at him, and he couldn’t help but smile back.

“Hey there, Timbo. Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6ft of me?”

Tim grew red and looked down before realizing that she was just joking. “I regret everything.” He deadpanned, turning around.

She laughed, “Timmy, why don’t you appreciate my jokes?”

“Cause they’re not funny.” He replied, ready to throw the grocery bag into the nearest possible trash can.

“But baby, its COVID-19 outside.” She begged, a smirk obvious in her tone.

“FOR THE LOVE OF—“

“Okay okay I’ll stop. I want to help you get revenge of Damian anyways.” Steph said, hurriedly.

Tim paused, looking at her. “You sure? Cause I don’t believe you.”

She smiled sheepishly at him, “Okay, maybe I’ve got a few more...”

Tim sighed, hanging his head, “Go ahead, get them out of your system.”

“But Timmy, don’t you know that a good pick up line only works if it’s timed right?”

Tim rolled his eyes, “Can I come in?”

Steph hummed, “I dunno, can you?”

“Fuck, you’re annoying.” He huffed, and walked past her into the apartment, setting the bag down on the counter.

“What’s this?” She asked, pulling at the plastic to look inside. She gasped. “You didn’t.”

“I did.”

Steph squealed and hugged him tight, tighter than his still-healing ribs liked. “Ow...”

“Sorry sorry, it’s just,” Steph sighed dreamily. “I ran out of waffles days ago.”

“I figured as much.” He replied, moving to sit at one of the barstools she had.

“You know,” Steph began, the bright smile on her face turning mischievous. Oh god, he’d set her up for another trashy pick up line, hadn’t he? “Without you my life would be as empty as the supermarket shelves.”

Tim couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his lips at that one. He shook his head, trying to regain his composure. Yeah, this is what he’d needed after the Glitter Fiasco. “Okay, that was a good one.”

“I know right!” She exclaimed, taking out a few waffles from the box and sticking them in the toaster. “So, what happened with Damian?”

“He covered my entire room with glitter and dumped out my coffee onto the floor.”

Steph stiffened, “Oh shit. And he’s still alive?”

Tim clenched his hand, “For now.” He growled out. “But I figured I’d get your help doing some revenge plots first. I know you’ve been saving up some ideas since the last time he called you fat.”

Steph’s gaze darkened. Tim help up his hands, “Which I completely disagree with by the way! You are the epitome of the perfect... bodily... shape... I’m gonna shut up now.”

Steph laughed a bit, “You’re a dork.”

Tim sighed, “Yeah I know.”

“Well you do make a good point despite your ever lasting dorkiness, we have revenge plots to begin.” Steph said. “And I know the perfect place to start.”

Tim cocked his head to the side. Technically he’d already started, but okay, he was listening. “Where?”

Steph paused, pulling her waffles out of the toaster. “Your tik tok account.”

Tim’s eyes widened. “You know about that?”

She laughed, “Of course I know about it. Everyone in the goddamn world knows about it. And Bruce would too if I didn’t ask Babs to keep it secret from him.”

“You what?”

“Yeah, I saw the first video and knew I wanted it to go on for as long as possible, so I asked Barbara to keep Bruce and everyone else off the scent, cause ya know, I couldn’t have Bruce shutting down such quality meme time.”

Tim laughed, “Oh my god, that explains why they haven’t noticed. I just thought they were really oblivious.”

Steph laughed with him, “I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like Babs could keep it off the news, so the fact that they haven’t found out through that is pretty amazing in of itself.”

Tim doubled over laughing, “Steph, do you know where babies come from?” He managed to spit out.

“Oh, I could show you where babies come from.” She responded, making his head snap up to look at her mischievous grin. “But it might be hard since you have to stay six feet away from me.”

Tim lost it again, falling out of his chair. “Those are so bad.”

”No they’re not.” Steph poured syrup all over her waffles, probably using too much. “But real talk,” Steph said, voice serious despite Tim laying on the ground in an immovable pile of laughter. “We need to begin our war against Damian on the Tik Tok account.”

It took Tim a little longer to stand back up, and he was pretty sure he’d re-cracked a few ribs, but eventually he made his way back into the barstool. “I’m listening.”

* * *

Jason had put the Robin suit in the mailbox and was now lounging on the couch, fiddling with his phone. He and Tim had been working on a compilation for the Tik Tok account, and seeing as he had full control now, he figured he might as well post it. Plus, they’d missed the morning post due to the Glitter, so he really needed to post something. He was thinking of posting twice to make up for the lack of morning tik tok, though he knew from one of Tim’s late night rambles that he needed to space the posts out enough for people to see both of them.

He clicked a few buttons before posting the video.

* * *

Tim sat with Steph on her couch, war plans laid out around them. Steph’s phone buzzed and he looked up, confused.

“Ooh, you posted a new video.” Steph said gleefully.

“I did?” Tim asked, before realization hit him. “Oh, Jason.”

She chuckled at his expense and moved to show him the tik tok. He leaned over, placing his head on her shoulder to watch.

He recognized the video immediately, from the meme-music to the way it was edited. He’d just finished the tik tok and sent it to Jason before finding his room coated wall to wall in glitter.

It was Nightwing in a sort of part two to his acrobatics video. But this time, it was all the fails.

Every.

Single.

One.

Tim and Steph laughed more as they watched Dick try and do a handstand on top of a moving car, only to get vibe-checked in the face by an unruly pigeon. Then it was Nightwing trying to use a stop light like a trapeze, only to be honked at (appreciatively) and fall face first into the intersection. Then it was Nightwing doing a backflip in heels, landing it perfectly, and starting to walk towards the camera, only for the heel of one of his stilettos to slip into a crack in the sidewalk. He then face planted into the concrete with an audible “oof.”

Steph and Tim were roaring with laughter by the end of it.

The caption on the post was a message from Jason: “Stay tuned for a special video at midnight. Red Robin is out of commission for an in-determinate amount of time and you’re about to see why. -Red Hood.”

Steph looked at Tim, “Please tell me that Jason has a video of your room being coated in glitter.”

Tim’s eyebrows scrunched together, “I honestly don’t remember. I was sorta just seeing red and glitter the entire time, but I wouldn’t put it past him. I did give him control over the account so if anything this is my fault.” He picked his phone up off the coffee table.

To: Jason

Make sure no names or faces or anything too obvious is in the video

From: Jason

Bro, trust me here.

From: Jason

Also the suit is in the mailbox

To: Jason

Good. I’ll pick it up tonight.

To: Jason

Remember that one idea you had about spray painting the Batsuit pink

From: Jason

Please tell me you’re doing that to the Robin suit

To: Jason

I am. But I want you do to the Batsuit too. Might as well make this a tik tok.

From: Jason

so, should I be worried about your revenge

To: Jason

No. But the demon spawn should be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (There’s more quarantine jokes in the future people)


	18. The Revenge Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh sweet revenge
> 
> Also, as of yesterday, my state issued a mandatory stay at home order and ya know, I was gonna stay at home anyways, but now that it’s basically illegal to leave, I want to. I’m really enjoying that “you don’t want to do something until someone tells you you can’t” vibe. Cause I really want to see what the interstates and city looks like with no one on it, but I can’t because I don’t think the police will accept “I want to see what it looks like” as an acceptable excuse. So yeah, anyways here’s the next chapter:

At midnight, Jason posted a heavily edited video of the Glitter Incident, with Tim’s face blurred out and all the names beeped out. It only showed small clips at a time because Jason was worried about someone recognizing the interior of the Manor, but it was epic nonetheless.

Caption: “Robin coated RR’s room in glitter... waiting on the upcoming call from the police saying they’ve found his body. -RH”

Comments:

“Ah, discowing must have visited Robin in his sleep to give him some dazzling inspiration”

“Holy fuck that’s a lot of glitter”

“RR, from the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry for your loss”

“Stay tuned for an upcoming murder?”

* * *

“If COVID-19 doesn’t take you out... can I?”

Tim groaned, rolling his eyes, “Please, I’m begging you, stop.”

Steph laughed, “Sorry, Timbo. I just can’t help myself. I’m a natural at this.” He shook his head as she held up her phone, “She’s typing.”

“Great.” Tim replied, his voice somewhat dry. He looked over the plans again. His revenge plot was going to last a week straight and he was looking forward to every single moment of it.

“Okay,” Steph said. He looked up to see her typing out a quick response. “Babs says that she’ll help you get what you need, but only if you help her program a new system for her Oracle-stuff.”

“What does she want?”

Steph typed the question out. Tim glanced back down to the plans in front of him.

Step One: Pink-ify the Robin suit

Step Two: Ducks

Step Three: Embarrass him on social media

Step Four: Embarrass him in real life

Step Five: Ducks (again)

Step Six: Glitter-ify the dog

Step Seven: Put his things on top of the fridge

Step Eight: M U R D E R

He grinned evilly.

“She says she wants to speed up the processing power and get more range o what she can see plus update a few of the systems and security and... a bunch of nerdy stuff oh my god are these even words.”

Tim leaned over and read the text, laughing, “Yeah those are words. Tell her she’s got a deal.”

Steph nodded and typed out the message. “Why am I the one communicating between the two of you?”

Tim shrugged, “Because when I texted her you said ‘No, I need to do this. You plan, I coordinate.”

“Ah right.” Steph grinned. “How’s the ducks coming along?”

Tim looked at Steph’s laptop, “Our shipment will be here in two days.”

“Wonderful.” She leaned back, twisting so that her head laid on his lap. He squinted his eyes at her.

“Whatcha doing there?” He asked.

“Oh you know, just laying down.” Steph took a deep breath in through her nose. “Hmmm, you smell nice. Is that Purell you’re wearing?”

“Get off me.”

She laughed, “I’ve been saving these babies up for weeks and seeing as you’re the only other human I’ve had contact with, I need to use them to their max potential.”

“I hate you.” He grumbled, grabbing Steph’s phone to look at the messages Babs had just sent.

From: Babs

Video’s ready. I’ll post when you’re ready.

He quickly typed out a message.

To: Babs

Wait until we’ve completed Step Two.

From: Babs

You got it.


	19. Step One: Pink-ify the Robin suit (and the Batsuit for funsies)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Revenge Plot begins, and Tim has gathered his forces  
> .  
> .  
> .
> 
> Also, someone asked me for a chapter where they paint the batsuit pink and here’s me delivering, but I can’t find the username of the person who asked for it for the life of me, so here ya go person, this chapter is for you :)

Tim had grabbed the three things he needed for this step.

  1. Robin suit from the mailbox
  2. Red Robin suit that he’d brought with him after leaving the Manor
  3. Hot. Pink. Spray paint.



And with Spoiler filming, Tim knew that this was going to be fun.

Part of his mind flashed back to when Damian had taken the mantle of Robin.

“ _Sorry, Drake. You’re still part of the team. Maybe the batgirl costume is available!” Damian had said_.

Tim chuckled and looked at the can of pink spray paint in his hand. Damian had learned his lesson of course, because frankly all the Batgirls were way more terrifying than any of the Robins, but Tim wondered how Damian would manage to pull off being a little gremlin while being clad in pink from head to toe.

...Maybe Tim should let Steph paint some of it, ya know, just to get back at Damian for his past sexism.

Good news: Damian had moved past that.

Bad news: Damian hadn’t moved past the whole ‘hating Tim’ thing.

“Hey, Spoiler?” He asked.

“We’ve got two cans of this stuff. Why don’t we set the phone up somewhere and spray paint this together?”

He saw the evil grin spread across Steph’s face. “And this is why you’re amazing.”

Oh thank god she hadn’t said another crappy pick up line.

They set up the camera, clicked record, and got to work.

Thirty seconds later, the front half of the suit was completely drenched in hot pink spray paint. Steph laughed. “Oh he’s gonna look great in this, don’t cha think?”

Tim covered the domino mask in paint, “Oh yeah, like a pretty pretty prince.”

“Don’t you mean princess?”

“Nope. Princess’ look badass no matter what color they wear. Robin’s just going to look like an idiot who messed with the wrong person.” Tim grinned and started on the backside.

* * *

Jason had managed to convince Cass and Dick to assist him in spray painting the Batsuit, and to be honest he felt like a god.

Dick still had no idea the tik tok account existed, and at this point Jason wanted to keep it that way cause he found it hilarious. As far as Dick was aware, this was just the three of them about to prank the shit out of Batman.

Dick trotted down the staircase from an upper level of the cave, down to where they kept the suits, Cass trailing behind him.

“B, Damian, and Alfred are busy cleaning Tim’s room for the next few hours. If we’re gonna do anything, we gotta do it now.”

Jason nodded. “Hey, Dick?”

“Hm?”

“When you say B, does it stand for Batman or Bruce?”

Dick looked him in the eye, “It stands for **bitch**.” He deadpanned.

* * *

The next video posted by Red Hood had the simple caption of: “RR’s Revenge Part One + Me Following My Dreams”

The video was split in half, the left side showing Red Robin and Spoiler coating the Robin suit in hot pink spray paint while the right showed Red Hood, Nightwing, and Black Bat doing the same to the Batsuit. All of them smiling wickedly.

Comments:

“PLEASE TELL ME THAT DOESN’T COME OFF”

“All of the batkids share one brain cell and this is how it decided to spend their afternoon”

“Ah, Batman and Robin, the Bubblegum Bois”

“SABOTAGEEEEE”

“*cue pink panther theme song*”

“Sweet revenge”

“but what did Bats do to deserve this?”

“he raised them to be vigilantes, what didn’t he do?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up Next: Step Two: Ducks
> 
> (Also guys, if any of you people can art, please draw one of these chapters, I’m particularly a fan of the Sleep Deprivation chapter being drawn out, but I’ll take any of them. My eyes need to see this nonsense in a physical form.)


	20. Step Two: Ducks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Damian... you brought this upon yourself
> 
> ALSO  
> ALSO  
> ALSO  
> SHOUTOUT TO ImAlwaysSleeping FOR MAKING THE FIRST FANART FOR THIS, I DIED OF LAUGHTER WHEN I FINALLY GOT TO SEE A DRAWN OUT VERSION OF TIM’S TOAST CRISIS

Damian growled, staring at the floor where one, two inch tall, yellow rubber duck sat.

Now, in this household this wouldn’t be too weird of a sight. Just one, harmless rubber duck, right? It wouldn’t be surprising if Grayson had found it while going through Drake’s room or something. But seeing as Grayson, Todd, and Cain were set to clean this afternoon and not this morning, there was no reason for Grayson to have been in Drake’s room. Also, the duck was devoid of any and all glitter.

And seeing as at this point it’s basically impossible to find something in the house that doesn’t have glitter on it (his fault, he’s starting to regret it), that made the duck even more suspicious.

And the last point: the Duck was sitting perfectly in the middle of the hallway, right in front of his door. And that meant it was waiting for him.

He sidestepped it, and then opened his door slowly. Nothing.

He moved back, kicked the door the rest of the way open, and jumped of out the way of any incoming attacks.

Nothing.

He looked back down at the rubber duck, eyes narrowed in suspicion. “I don’t trust you duck. I don’t trust you at all.”

He tiptoed quietly into his room, looking around at everything, looking for the next prank. But there wasn’t one.

———

Damian knew, he knew, that there was going to be more ducks. He just didn’t know where. And he wasn’t expecting the duck in the toilet bowl.

“Tt.” He wanted to flush the duck down the toilet so bad, just to make Drake lose on of his precious pieces. But he also knew that doing so would probably make the toilet overflow and he really didn’t want to deal with that right now.

So instead he plucked the duck out of the toilet and threw it in the trashcan, ignoring his heart’s protests to toss it out the nearest window. He couldn’t do that though because that would be littering.

———

Damian stepped out of the bathroom, only to be face to face with something that wasn’t there before.

A neon pink rubber duck, sitting on the middle fo his bed, staring at the bathroom door.

“No.”

He turned and left the room, deciding to go bother Father or Grayson or something.

———

Hours passed and Damian didn’t see anymore ducks. In fact, the ducks that were there previously were now gone.

It was annoying.

He was waiting to find a duck somewhere in his room when he entered that night, but instead he found a suspicious lack of ducks.

Which was even worse.

And he knew that Drake was behind it, but he also knew that Drake had disappeared, meaning that someone else in the family was behind this.

He assumed Todd, but he wouldn’t put it past Cain to do this as well, but she’d only do it if Drake asked her. And that’s probably exactly what he did.

He and Batman had patrol tomorrow, that was something to look forward to. He grunted as he laid on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

He’d been banned from the Batcave computer as part of his punishment, which usually wouldn’t have been too bad, but seeing as he’d attacked Drake’s room specifically so he could get to the Batcomputer, he was annoyed.

He rolled to look at the clock. 10:13 PM. He considered it.

If Grayson had managed to coerce Father into watching a movie like he’d been planning, then the movie would still be running. That meant he could probably get down to the Batcave unnoticed.

He smirked and stood, brushing off his clothes out of habit, despite knowing that there’s nothing there.

Damian opened the door to ducks lining the floor of the hallway.

He growled. The ducks were set up in a trail formation, obviously leading him somewhere.

He started to follow, despite knowing that he shouldn’t.

What didn’t make sense was that both Todd and Cain were on patrol tonight. Neither of them were home to be able to do this. Grayson and Father were watching a movie, and besides, neither of them would do this either. Well... Grayson might do this, but not to him.

That left Drake and Pennyworth. Drake was the obvious choice, but seeing as he still wasn’t in the house, Damian didn’t see it. Pennyworth was far too serious to do this, so he was off the list too.

Damian continued following the duck trail, occasionally kicking a few ducks out of the line just for the sake of it.

The duck trail seemed to lead everywhere and nowhere at once and it was pissing him off. He reached the end of the fourth hallway he’d gone down, only to come face to face with a line of ducks descending the stairs.

This was ridiculous. He turned around, only to find that the ducks behind him had been taken away.

He clenched his fist. This wasn’t pre-prepared. Someone was placing and removing the ducks as he walked.

He turned back to face the staircase.

All of the ducks were gone.

His jaw clenched in rage, “DRAKE!”

No answer.

All of the ducks were gone. Every single one, removed without a trace. And Damian hadn’t noticed a single person in the hallway with him this entire time.

He huffed and stomped back to his room, Batcave mission forgotten. He needed to figure out who the hell was behind the ducks, clearly Drake couldn’t have done all of that by himself, and then he needed to make them pay.

When he reached his room, he threw open the door, only to be faced with the neon pink rubber duck, once again, sitting on his bed.

“You will regret the day you were ever created.” He snarled at it, before taking it and throwing it into the hallway, hearing the bounce noise it made when it hit the floor.

He laid down on his bed, enraged, gears in his mind spinning rapidly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehehe, you may be done with the ducks, but the ducks aren’t done with you.


	21. Author’s Note: The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guys  
> I need to be honest with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay  
> So everyone keeps asking me if the duck prank is based on James’ Veitch’s duck prank.  
> ....Well here’s your answer...

The Ducks are partially based on James Veitch, but in all honesty, the prank is truly based on me.

So here I am, interrupting this lovely fic, with a chapter to explain the true inspiration behind the Ducks. 

Let’s flashback, shall we. Imagine me, the lovely author of this monstrosity, in eighth grade, meaning the last year of middle school, meaning the last year of hell. It’s maybe,,, ohhhh five weeks before graduation. I’ve got about a month left of school. 

At lunch I sat at a table with 7 other people, yes that’s right, I somehow had seven other friends. Actually, scratch that, two chairs had been pulled up to the table at the time, making for a total of 9 other people sitting at the table, the 10th one of them being me. 

I don’t particularly remember how the conversation started, something about wanting to do a “senior prank” but as 8th graders cause why the fuck not? And then my best friend to this day, a girl who reads this fic and gives me 90% of the comments section, suggested rubber ducks. And then we started planning. (She’d like you to know that she greatly regrets bringing up the idea)

* * *

Here’s a copy and pasted version of her story from the text she sent me:

“Basically, I saw a post, discussed it at lunch, everyone loved it, I created a new scenario from said post, u idiots agreed to do it, I was all like “oh no no no plz don’t we’re gonna get in trouble“ (as I often do), and you ppl did it anyway while I felt suuuper anxious about it, trying to be the only reasonable person” ~NM (the one who started it all)

“i DiDnT mEaN fOr It To AcTuALLy HaPpEn” ~Also NM

* * *

So anyways, I found an offer on Amazon that shipped 50 rubber ducks for like $10, and I was doing the math. 

And then one of the people who had pulled a chair up to our table goes, “You know, we’re planning all of this out but we’re not really ever going to actually do it” or whatever. 

And I looked her in the eyes, and said “ **watch me**.” And I clicked order, for 100, tiny, yellow rubber ducks. (With my dad’s permission of course, who found the entire idea hilarious) (thanks dad)

And then, one of my other friends who understands how fucking crazy I am, joined me and bought 100 more. 

And so the fun began. 

Maybe a week later, I got a shipment of a fuck ton of rubber ducks. And then my friend got her shipment. 

And then it was the 8th grade dance. I got all dressed up, and so did my friends, and I packed about 20 of the ducks into a purse, and I met my friends at the local burger place and we ate cheeseburgers in fancy dresses and makeup, surrounded by rubber ducks. 

And then we went off to the dance, and we danced and shit, but we also used that opportunity to hide rubber ducks all over the school. I hid one in the ceiling and another inside a wall and they are still there to this day. There were rubber ducks inside the fire extinguisher cases and on top of bathroom stalls. One of my friends at the time was a guy (he also happened to be dating one of my friends, sooooo) and he put ducks in the boys bathroom for us too. 

And then we went home, deprived of 20 rubber ducks, and waited. 

Monday rolled around, I had more ducks ready. People start noticing, hey, there’s rubber ducks everywhere. 

And I kept hiding rubber ducks as more people found them. Most of my friends backed out cause they didn’t want to get in trouble, but I’m not a coward and I kept placing the ducks. 

Rumors started to spread about the person with the most ducks getting some sort of prize from the principal, which I found absolutely HILARIOUS because the principal didn’t know what the fuck was going on. 

Some of the ducks had things written on them, like “Give this to Mrs. ____” and students did! It was hilarious because I’d see a kid walk up and give a duck to a teacher and the teacher would be like wtffff??? I heard kids exclaim in the middle of class, “I found a duck!” And I saw a popular kid that I hated boasting about having found 10 rubber ducks and how he was so cool. 

It was fucking amazing. I was _Living_. 

So the most entertaining weeks of my life passed, I aced my exams or whatever, and people are still waiting for some sort of prize for the rubber ducks. I walked around with a backpack full of ducks to hide. Eventually we hid them all (except one, which I still have tacked to my bulletin board cause I wasn’t going to walk away from this epic ness without a duck for myself). 

* * *

Here’s a copied text message from the friend who bought the other rubber ducks, recounting her side of the story: 

“once we placed them and people started finding them chaos insued 

everyone wanted to find the most ducks and figure out who did it 

and then the squeakers omfg those damn squeakers 

it was funny at first but quickly got annoying so as we placed more we took the squeakers out and people got sad 

we hid them in some weird ass places and then some in plain sight and people still couldn’t find them it was great 

teachers were like it’s funny annoying funny annoying etc etc 

not everyone found all the ducks before the end of the year and i wonder what happened to the ones that no one found

i also wonder how we did not get caught and in trouble bc our middle school was trash” ~AM

* * *

(In all honesty, I forgot about the squeakers, but now I remember them, they were horrible) (also, one of my friends has swallowed one of those squeakers before and like, she’s okay, but occasionally I worry)

Also, a few teachers found out, but like, they were so chill about it. They just laughed and let us keep hiding the ducks, it was epic. I’m pretty sure the vice principal saw me place a duck and did nothing, so like,,,, 

Anyways, so the end of the year rolls around and the people who were religiously collecting these ducks got **n o t h i n g**. And my friends and I walked away from it knowing that were were legends without anyone else knowing. 

Flash forward a year later, my friend’s brother (the friend who initially came up with the idea) starts going to school there. _They’re still finding ducks_. 

Anyways, there’s still some rubber ducks that remain there, hidden in the wall or ceiling and I honestly can’t wait for when that one repair guy shows up, opens a ceiling tile, and finds a small yellow rubber duck waiting for him. 

And yeah, that’s the true, real life inspiration behind Tim’s duck prank. And yeah, it was also partially based on James Veitch because that man is HILARIOUS and I would gladly join his cult if there is one, but it’s also based on me not being able to back down from a challenge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shrugs* and that’s the truth.
> 
> Sorry this isn’t an actual chapter, but like, this seemed important. Besides, the next few chapters are worth the wait, I promise.


	22. The Pinked Suits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m glad most of you enjoyed my story, but I do have to say, that prank was years ago, and as fun as it was, I doubt anyone remembers it except my friend group. Still, it’s a lovely inspiration for this fic  
> Btw, this fic is getting kinda serious and angsty, but don’t worry, once all the revenge stuff is done we’ll be going back into full on idiotic Batfam time, which I’m looking forward to because I have a long list of memes to write in :)

Damian didn’t see ducks for the rest of the day, so he figured, he was safe now. It was a one time thing and the stunt on the staircase was the last of it, no doubt.

It was his turn to patrol with Batman and Damian had never wanted to get out of the house more.

“Father, are you ready?”

“Yes, Damian, lets go get suited up.”

* * *

Damian had never been more absolutely disgusted in his life.

“FATHER!” He screamed across the cave.

But Father was already standing behind him, an angry look in his eyes despite the blank expression on his face. “DRAKE DID THIS, I KNOW HE DID!” Damian pointed angrily to the hot pink painted robin suit in front of him.

Bruce grunted, rubbing the back of his neck.

Damian narrowed his eyes. “No,” he half-whispered.

“Yeah, they got us both, Damian.” Father grunted out, obviously reluctant to admit that his suit was also hot pink.

“This is disgraceful. We can’t patrol in these. What about the backup suits?”

“Missing.” Father informed him.

Damian growled, “They can’t possibly expect us to patrol in these. We at least have some dignity.”

Bruce sighed, shoulders slightly slumped. “Everyone else has done their fair share of patrols, it would be rude to make them do extra patrols when they were promised the night off.”

Damian narrowed his eyes, “Father you can’t possibly be suggesting—“

“I’m not suggesting, Damian. I’m saying. As much as I hate it, these are the only suits we have, and chances are this is some sort of revenge plot on you for covering Tim’s room in glitter. This is your fault, and frankly I think you deserve it, even if it means I have to wear the suit too.”

“I do not deserve this.” Damian proudly crossed his arms. “Drake was asking for it, I simply retaliated.”

Bruce sighed, long and low. “You need to learn that not everything is a fight, Damian. You should know when situations require retaliation or not, and frankly I can’t find any evidence of Tim’s ‘suspicious activities’ so I’m not very convinced that he deserved this.”

Damian tutted, “Well—“

“No, Damian. Put on the suit, we’re leaving, and you won’t complain at all throughout this entire patrol, you understand?” Father snapped.

Damian glared, this was worse than the ducks. He would not wear this... this... Barbie doll themed monstrosity.

“Damian.” Father growled out, his tone threatening.

“Fine. But I want revenge on Drake.”

“No, this is Tim’s revenge. You can’t revenge revenge.”

“Watch me.”

* * *

Wearing the suit in public was worse than anything Damian had ever done. He looked stupid, he knew it.

And the worst part? Batman was standing next to him, equally clad in bright pink, somehow looking dignified. Damian curled further in on himself, trying to use the shadows to make the pink look more like black.

Then, some asshole had to Audacity to try and commit a crime, which was disgusting for three reasons:

  1. Gotham was under quarantine dammit
  2. Damian did not want to be seen wearing this god awful suit
  3. That is NOT where your dick belongs, Mr. 



And yes, Damian remained happily hidden in the shadows as Batman dealt with the poor excuse for a man in front of him, and despite the color of Batman’s suit, the man still had the nerve to look terrified. Damian growled lowly, wishing that he could manage to look scary in a hot pink suit. But no, that seemed to be a superpower limited to Batman only, given that Damian knew he looked like a Barbie doll reject and refused to be seen at all.

Once that asshole was dealt with, Damian found himself with several more hours left of patrol and despite how much he picked at the paint, it didn’t come off. Not even a small scratch.

“Robin,” Batman said. “You need to get over the paint. It’s not a big deal, you look fine.”

Liar.

Damian tutted and turned away, “The paint does not bother me, I simply didn’t see a reason for us both dealing with that situation.”

... now he was the liar.

Batman ruffled his hair, earning a low growl from Damian, who glared at him behind a pink painted domino mask.

“You know, a prank only works if you let it. If you let it get to you, then the other person wins. But if you act like it doesn’t bother you, if you refuse to give them a reaction, then they lose the satisfaction.”

Damian considered it, “I see.” He tried to hold his head higher and straightened his shoulders. “In that case, I should attempt to look as proud as you do.”

Batman smiled behind the pink cowl, “Yeah, you got it. Just pretend its Breast Cancer Awareness Month.”

Damian nodded, a smug grin taking over his face. “In that case, I believe that when that month actually comes around, we should paint all of the suits in our support.”

Damian would be rubbing this moment in Drake’s face for ages, because Father was beaming at him, pride in his gaze. “We should. Maybe I’ll even convince the Justice League to do it.”

“And it’ll all be because Drake’s prank failed.”

Father chuckled, “It sure will be.”

* * *

Patrol was much easier for the rest of the night. Until something hit his head.

Damian cocked his head to the side, wondering what the hell could’ve hit him from all the way up here.

And then he looked down. No.

It was a rubber duck. A red, white, and blue, rubber _fucking_ duck.

_Don’t let it bother you_ , he reminded himself.

He looked around. He was on a rooftop, there was no way a rubber duck could have fallen on him from here. He looked into the sky, but there was nothing.

Had Drake constructed some sort of rubber duck launcher to get this thing up here?

Damian wouldn’t put it past him. He turned to Batman, who was staring at the rubber duck in confusion. “Drake.” He explained.

“Ah.” Father said.

“Did you see where it came from?”

Batman shook his head.

Damian sighed, “I’m going to kill him.”

Batman chuckled, “Has this happened before?”

Damian nodded in response, “I was assaulted with ducks yesterday. There were hundreds of them in the hallway.”

“Hundreds?“ Bruce asked. “Where’d they go.”

Damian slumped, “I don’t know. I turned around for one second and they were gone.”

Batman was quiet, “Sounds like Tim has help.”

Damian nodded. “I thought we were done with the ducks, but I guess not.”

“If there is anything you need to learn about Tim, it’s that he doesn’t do anything half-heartedly. He’s going to get his revenge for you covering his room in glitter, and I’m not going to stop him either. You’re going to have to suffer through whatever he throws at you, even if that’s a couple hundred rubber ducks.”

Damian huffed, “Are you not going to punish him?”

Father seemed to consider it, “I will, seeing as I’m punishing you, but I’m going to let him finish whatever he’s planning to do as revenge.”

“Why? Because I attacked first?”

“Partially.” Father said, standing. “But also because if I do, then I’ll be next on his hit list and I’d rather avoid that fate.”

Damian tutted, “There’s nothing he could do to you.”

Father looked Damian in the eyes, “I’ve seen Tim use his brain to take down criminal after criminal, and use it to figure out the identities of hero after hero. I don’t put anything past him, because if I do, then I’ll end up behind him, wondering what I just missed.”

Damian considered it. He’d never seen Drake as a threat before, more like an annoying obstacle Damian wanted to push out of the way. But Father seemed to respect him and Damian didn’t understand why.

“Why do you respect Drake so much? What does he have that makes him so great?”

Father sighed, “I respect Tim for his brain, he’s smarter than you give him credit for Damian. And for the record, I respect all of my children, because each of you have something I wish I had.”

“What could I possibly have that you don’t?” Damian asked, his voice small. He fiddled with the rubber duck.

But Father didn’t answer, instead placing a hand on Damian’s shoulder. “That’s something I think you should try to figure out yourself, don’t you think?”

Damian squeezed the duck, cause a high pitched _SQUEAK_ to come from it. “What do you respect in Todd?”

“His bravery.” Father said. “He never gives up, and each time he’s hurt, each time he’s down, Jason gets back up, stronger than before.”

“Sounds stupid.” Damian said, despite knowing that it wasn’t. Why couldn’t he know what Father saw in him? Why did Todd’s bravery or Drake’s intelligence matter to Father in the first place? He was Batman!

“I promise you, it’s not.” Father told him. “Now come on, Robin. Patrol’s almost over.”

Damian stood, his grip still tight on the rubber duck. Maybe he’d keep this one, to remind himself to find out what Father saw in him.

Damian knew he was great, he was Bruce Wayne’s biological son, for crying out loud. He was obviously better than Grayson, and Todd, and Drake, and Cain. But a small part of him wondered...

Batman had chosen them, accepted them. Damian had just shown up, already claiming his title, knowing that he belonged. But in a family of people who didn’t belong, what was so great about belonging?


	23. The Duckening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought step two was finished? Bruh. 
> 
> (Also, this chapter goes out to Night_Scroller for the amazing title that you unintentionally gave me)

No.

No.

No.

This was not happening.

Damian stared at his bed, where one massive, hot pink rubber duck sat, staring at him with those massive beady eyes that Damian wanted to rip out of it’s ridiculous inflated skull.

The head of the rubber duck reached the ceiling, and the width covered his entire bed, all of which was hot pink and absolutely revolting.

_Don’t let it get to you_ , he reminded himself.

_Don’t let it get to you_.

He moved to the bathroom, wanting to get ready for bed. He’d figure out how to move the giant duck once he was in PJs and had brushed his teeth.

He opened the door.

And sitting in front of him was what had to be thousands of tiny rubber ducks. Filling the sink, the shower, the toilet, the laundry basket, covering the floor and taped to the walls. Not even the ceiling was safe.

“Don’t let it get to you,” he whispered, clenching and unclenching his fists before turning around to move the duck off his bed in favor of just straight up going to sleep.

Once the duck was on the floor, where its massive head loomed over him and stared into his soul, Damian laid down on the bed.

“ _Squeakkkkk_!”

“What the fuck?” Damian bolted upright, staring at the place of the offending sound. No...

He reached a tentative hand towards his pillowcase, noticing the weird way it bulged. He grimaced and turned the pillow upside down, shaking out the contents.

Maybe fifty more small rubber ducks fell out, leaving an empty pillowcase.

Damian. Wanted. To. Scream.

He looked to his other pillow and noticed it was the same way.

Drake had replaced all of his pillows with rubber ducks.

Damian shoved all of the ducks off his bed forcefully, and then laid back down, intending to sleep without a pillow tonight.

But with a massive hot pink rubber duck staring down at him, no pillows on his bed, his bathroom full of ducks, and his rage barely in check, Damian found it very difficult to sleep.

* * *

When he woke up, all the rubber ducks were gone. Every. Single. One.

Just like last time.

He huffed and stood, moving to his dresser to find some fresh clothes.

But instead of finding clothes, he found a drawer full of claw-machine style rubber ducks. He picked one up, staring at it, it was wearing a cowboy hat.

He threw it back in the drawer, deciding to ignore the rest of the rubber ducks.

He heard a rustling behind him and he whipped around, only to find no one there, just a simple folded note on his bed. He glared at it in suspicion before moving to pick it up, it was a letter from Drake, he presumed.

And he was right.

It was written it Drake’s weird mixture of neat, posh handwriting and sloppy, sleep-deprived teenager handwriting and Damian was honestly disgusted that someone’s handwriting managed to be so radically different between each letter.

“ _Damian, I hope you’re enjoying my revenge, but I want you to know, this is just the beginning. Enjoy what I’d like to call: The Duckening._

 _—Tim_ ”

Damian growled at the note and crumpled it in his grip. He was going to murder Drake—

_Don’t let it get to you._

_Don’t let it get to you._

_Don’t let it get to you_.

He took a deep breath and decided to close his dresser drawer. Obviously Drake would have filled all of the drawers, so there was no point in checking. Damian would just have to wear these clothes for today, and that was fine.

He went into the bathroom, happy to find it devoid of all ducks. He figured he might as well shower seeing as this was evidently going to be a very stressful day.

He stepped into the shower, the hot water trailing down his skin feeling like the anti-stress equivalent of a horse tranquilizer. He was halfway through his shower when another goddamn rubber duck joined him.

He glared at it.

_WHAM!_

Damian screeched as he was assaulted by hundreds more rubber ducks, all falling from the ceiling, as they bounced off his head and arms, falling to the floor around his feet, burying him in about a foot of yellow rubber duck.

“DRAKE!” He screamed, loud enough that the entirety of Gotham could undoubtedly hear him.

He shuffled his feet around in the rubber ducks, trying to kick them out of the way, but to no avail. The entire shower floor was covered in a foot of rubber ducks.

Damian looked up, trying to see where the fuck the ducks had come from. This wasn’t some poor person’s shower where it was just a shell glued to the wall and you could throw things over the top of it. No, this was built into the wall with expensive tiling and glass walls. There was no way ducks could have attacked him from above. Hell, there was no way ducks could have attacked him period.

How the fuck was Drake doing this?

Damian huffed and rinsed the shampoo out of his hair before turning off the shower. He was going to commit a murder today, that he was sure of.

* * *

Damian managed to make it down to the kitchen without further incident, still wearing yesterdays clothes, and well aware that he was radiating a rage that only Drake could illicit in him.

“Woah, there Dami, did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?” Grayson asked, looking at him, curiously. Damian growled his response.

“Drake.”

Todd laughed from across the kitchen where he was waiting for the microwave to finish. “You instigated this, dude. You get to suffer it.”

Damian growled, “So I’ve been told.”

Grayson sat down at the barstool next to him, “So what’d he do?”

Damian clenched his fist, “Ducks.”

“Ducks?” They both asked at the same time. The microwave beeped and Todd let out a quiet, “yay” before opening the door to a steaming hot meal.

“Ducks,” Damian confirmed. “Ducks everywhere.”

“Like... live ducks?” Grayson asked.

“Or James Veitch style ducks?” Todd added.

Damian’s grip on the fork in his hand caused the metal to bend slightly, “Rubber ducks. Thousands of rubber ducks.”

The two older boys died of laughter on the spot, Todd managed to choke out a strained, “James Veitch, its the James Veitch ducks.”

Damian didn’t know who James Veitch was, but if anyone else had been subject to this form of torture like he was, he felt bad for them.

Damian looked down to his breakfast, a half eaten veggie omelet, glad to see that a rubber duck hadn’t joined it. Grayson and Todd were still laughing, Grayson having fallen out of his chair, causing his cereal to fall on the floor, making them only laugh harder.

Damian glared at his breakfast and took another bite, angrily chomping on the annoyingly delicious meal.

When was Drake going to ruin this part too?

* * *

The ducks didn’t bother him during the remainder of breakfast, which was nearly as bad, simply because he was constantly paranoid, waiting for another barrage of rubber ducks to attack him in all of their rubber duckiness.

But they didn’t.

He washed his plate and returned it to the cabinet, before leaving to go feed Titus.

Ah, there it was.

The dog food bag had been emptied of its food and replaced entirely with itty bitty, teeny tiny rubber ducks. Damian closed it and turned around to leave, well aware that his hands were shaking in rage.

* * *

He found Father in his office, pouring over some papers that seemed to relate to Wayne Enterprises. Damian sat down across from him to watch.

He did this often, simply because he found it interesting. Well... that and Drake currently was publicly running Wayne Enterprises and Damian didn’t like that, so he intended to watch Father work until he could take over the company.

But also because he found it interesting.

Father glanced up at him, undoubtedly seeing his bad mood in seconds, just as Grayson had, before leaning back and laughing. “Tim’s revenge is a bitch, isn’t it?”

Damian looked at his Father, not expecting those words to come out of the older man’s mouth. But he sighed and nodded all the same.

Father started speaking, only to be cut off by Damian’s eyes widening, “No.”

“What?”

Damian was staring at the desk, where a black rubber duck sat, staring, waiting, watching. Damian hissed, picked it up, and threw it across the office as hard as he could.

Father looked at him skeptically, but said nothing.

“Ducks.” Damian huffed. “I hate ducks.”

* * *

The rest of the day was absolutely, unbridled torture. Every turn of his head, a duck. Every step he took, a duck. Places that shouldn’t have ducks, a duck. Places he expected the ducks, no ducks. It was horrible.

But the worst part was Damian had no idea how Drake was doing this. At one point, Damian had looked at his phone to reply to a text from Grayson only to look up and find twenty rubber ducks, formed in a semi circle, staring at him.

Damian hated the Duckening. He hated it with a burning passion. If he ever saw another rubber duck in his life, he was going to burn it alive until it became nothing more than a pile of ashes and a distant memory.

That was a promise.

He stepped into his bedroom once again, prepared for the ducks, only to find none.

No ducks.

Not a single one.

He squinted his eyes, disbelieving. Damian walked over to his drawer, only to find it full of clothes once again. He slowly grabbed a fresh pair, still not sure what the hell was going on and very sure that this was some sort of elaborate scheme to make him feel safe, and walked to the bathroom.

There were no ducks in the bathroom either. Not the shower, not the cabinets, not the laundry basket. It was completely duck free.

He refused to feel safe, even as he changed his clothes and brushed his teeth and hair.

He stepped back out into the bedroom. Ah, there it is.

One single rubber duck, small, just like the first one, sat on the center of his bed. Damian walked over to it, seeing a note folded underneath. He picked it up and read it.

“@RobinsandtheBat”

Damian cocked his head to the side, and flipped the note over, where another line, scrawled in Drake’s handwriting read:

“Google it.”

Damian slowly pulled out his phone and googled the username, eyes widening as he realized what he was seeing.


	24. Step Three: Embarrass Him On Social Media

Tim was dying of laughter as he watched Damian scroll madly through the Tik Tok account, his eyes wide, mouth partially agape. 

Okay, maybe Tim had had Cass place some hidden cameras everywhere. And _maybe_ he’d enlisted Kon, Bart, and Megan’s help with the duck prank. And maybe he was chilling in Oracle’s apartment with Steph, watching the video feed and coordinating each prank and placement of the ducks.

And maybe he and Babs were editing the footage as they speak in order to post the next tik tok video.

And maybe it was a montage of Damian, with a filtered on Robin suit, having multiple mental breakdowns over the rubber ducks.

And maybe Tim had dognapped Titus (gently, with lots of love, he wasn’t a monster). And maybe Titus was laying at his feet, knawing at a dog bone as his owner was screaming curse words down the hallway due to the Ducks.

Maybe, just maybe.

He glanced over, to where Steph was unashamedly staring at him. He’d been trying to ignore the fact that she’d been staring at him for a while now, but at this point he had to give in.

“Why are you staring at me?”

She shrugged, and Tim automatically knew what this was. “Well, all the public libraries are closed, so I’m checking you out instead.”

Tim closed his eyes. He might be getting his revenge on Damian, but Steph was making it a point to list as many quarantine pick up lines as she possibly could. Tim had honestly lost count of how many she’d said so far.

“Tim, what do you think?” Babs asked. Tim opened his eyes to see a video playing in front of him.

It was a quickly edited montage of Damian’s horrified or enraged mannerisms as he came across more and more rubber ducks. Tim and Babs had been sure to edit this video meticulously, by blurring out anything that wasn’t Damian or the ducks, and by using a custom made filter to make Damian look like he was constantly wearing the Robin suit.

And yes, the video was amazing.

He nodded to Babs, “Post it.”

And post it she did.

Tim leaned forward to look at the camera currently watching Damian, who seemed to have figured out that a new video was just posted.

And Tim’s gleeful smile only spread further as Damian’s face turned red, out of either embarrassment or anger, as he watched the video that was completely about him.

Tim looked to the caption, the caption he’d told Babs to write. “The Duckening: Red Robin’s revenge. How does it feel, Robin?”

Damian was growling, low, angry. “Fuck you, Drake.” He said.

Tim gladly accepted it, proud of his accomplishment.

Step three was complete.

Tim pressed a few buttons to zoom the camera in a focus on what Damian was looking at. It was the comments section for the video, which was already blowing up with comments.

Comments:

“I for one accept our new overlords”

“Screw the Coronavirus, rubber ducks are the true threat”

“I’m honestly, like, kinda scared of RR”

“Shittttttt”

“Pick your fighter: glitter or ducks”

“Depends on who’s dealing them”

“These aren’t drugs”

“I felt bad for RR before, but now I just feel bad for Bats”


	25. —Step Four: Embarrass Him in Real Life—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this chapter kinda angsty? Yes. Does it have a quarantine pick up line in it anyways? Yep. Wow, it’s almost like I have way too many of these...

Dick stared down at his phone, unsure. He looked across the counter, to where Damian was scrolling through his phone, anger evident on his face.

“Hey, Dami?”

“What, Grayson?”

“I’m just wondering if maybe... maybe we’ve been letting Tim take this revenge thing too far? Sure the ducks were funny, and I painted the Batsuit, but it feels like you’ve been kinda down since yesterday... is everything okay?”

“I’m not feeling down,” Damian snapped. “I’m angry because Drake HAS been being suspicious and no one believed me, but LOOK.” Damian shoved his phone in Dick’s face.

Dick gingerly took it and looked at what Damian was showing him. It was a tik tok video, something Dick had forgotten the sight of, showing Robin getting scared by... a cucumber.

Dick tried not to laugh as the katana in Damian’s hands went flying, but it was difficult. He pulled himself together, “What is this?”

“Drake’s tik tok account. He’s been filming the entire family and posting videos of us online. Todd’s in on it too.”

Dick sucked in a breath and looked through all the videos, there were ones of each member of the family, except Alfred due to Alfred not having a vigilante costume. Each video _was_ edited so it didn’t give away their identities, but still...

He handed the phone back to Damian, “I’ll ask him about it, don’t worry, Dami.”

Damian huffed, “I’m not worried, I’m angry that he thinks he can make fun of us like this.”

Dick pursed his lips. He didn’t like having to go into Big Brother Mode TM, but this account was bothering Damian, and as funny as he personally thought it was, he needed to do something about it.

* * *

Dick’s fingers hesitated over the call button, before deciding that maybe he should text Tim first.

To: Tim

Hey, can we talk?

From: Tim

Did Damian tell you?

To: Tim

Yeah

From: Tim

Fine, call me in ten minutes, I’m busy.

Dick pursed his lips before closing the messages. He waited.

What exactly was he even planning on saying? Hey, I love the videos and I totally want in on them, but it’s hurting Damian’s feelings so you need to stop? Dick doubted that would fly.

Dick looked back down at his phone before typing the username of the account he’d seen on Damian’s phone into google.

He scrolled through the videos on the channel, unashamedly laughing at them all. Even the ones of him were hilarious. Dick already had a thousand ideas for new ones coursing through his head, but he had to shut each one of them down for the time being.

Ugh, he hated having to be the responsible adult.

He looked at the time to see ten minutes had passed, so he called Tim, still not sure what he was going to say.

“Heyyyy Timmy,” He greeted once Tim had picked up, making sure he sounded cheerful.

“You want in?” Tim asked, getting straight to the point.

“Well yes but that’s not why I called, actually.” Dick said, cringing. He wasn’t supposed to start off with that.

“Okay...?” Tim sounded unsure.

“Well, first off, I think the tik tok account is hilarious and I have like 20 ideas, most of them centered around Jason, but that’s not the point. The point is,” Dick took a breath and sighed. Just say it, come on. “I think you might be taking this revenge thing too far?”

Tim was silent.

Dick took another breath, just explain your thoughts, you’ll be fine. “Damian’s only 12, and I know he can be a bit rough around the edges but he’s a really sweet kid underneath it all and I think he just wants to be accepted, and as funny as the ducks were, I think posting them on social media was a bit too much.”

Tim was silent for a long time, and Dick wasn’t sure what to make of it. But slowly, Tim’s voice sounded through the phone, “He just wants to be accepted?”

Dick smiled, “Yeah.”

Tim took a breath, “He just wants to be accepted? Dick, Damian was accepted the moment he was proven to be Bruce’s biological son. Anything he does wrong is, ‘oh he was raised by assassins, you can’t blame him’ or ‘its just how he is.’ Damian has always been accepted, people let him keep being a little bitch with the excuse of he doesn’t know how else to act. But the second I step out of line? The second I retaliate I’m told that I’m going to far? That I need to back off?” Tim paused, leaving the only sound in the room being Dick’s hammering heart.

“I’m tired of Damian being constantly accepted while I’m always told that I need to be better.” Tim sighed. “I trained for a year to be Robin, something the rest of you didn’t have to. I’m the one that is constantly underestimated and thrown to the side, and I accept it. I let everyone in this family step all over me because it’s easier than fighting back.”

Dick closed his eyes, “We don’t—“

“Yes you do.” Tim interrupted. “Jason and Damian have both tried to kill me just for being Robin. Hell, Damian has cut my grapple mid-swing so many times that I expect it now. Not to mention that one time you kicked me out of the Robin mantle in favor of Damian.”

“I did that because I saw you as an equal, not a sidekick.” Dick defended.

“Really? Then why do I feel like you care more about Damian than me?” Tim retaliated.

“I don’t. Shit Timmy, I love all of you equally, okay?”

Tim just sighed on the other side of the phone. “Maybe. I’m just— I’m tired of being overlooked because I don’t have big muscles or a tragic backstory. I’m tired of people stepping all over me, and frankly the glitter was the last straw.”

“Timmy—“

“Look, once my revenge plan is done, I’ll come back to the Manor and we can go through all of your ideas for the tik tok account okay? I’m not angry or anything, I’m just sorta done with everything. You’re still my big brother, Dick. Don’t hate yourself because of me.” Tim said, his voice quiet.

“You’re making that kinda hard, ya know?” Dick half-joked. “Do you... do you want to talk serious stuff later too? I’ll make some cookies and icing for us?”

Tim seemed to consider it, and Dick could hear him run a hand over his face. “Yeah, yeah I probably need that. Thanks, Dick, I’m sorry for being an asshole just then.”

“Don’t worry about it, Timmy. Just... maybe lighten up your death sentence for Damian, k?”

“Okay, I’ll make sure to cross murder off the list.”

“That’s all I ask,” Dick said, smile returning to his face.

* * *

Tim let a small smile return to his face. “I’ll see you soon. In the meantime, why don’t you go tell Jay that you know. He’s in control of the account right now.”

“Yes! Tik tok here I come!” Dick’s excited voice sounded. The world was probably about to see a bunch of videos of Nightwing dancing...

Tim hung up the phone with a quick “Bye.” And then looked down at the list in his hand.

Babs and Steph were currently in the room over, playing with Titus, who, if the excited barking coming from the living room was anything to go by, was having the time of his life.

Tim leaned over to the nightstand and pulled out a pen. He crossed out “Step Four: Embarrass him in Real Life” and “Step Eight: M U R D E R”

He considered crossing out “Step Five: Ducks (again)” but instead decided to switch that one and Step Six.

He cocked his head to the the side, rereading the list.

~~Step One: Pink-ify the Robin suit~~

~~Step Two: Ducks~~

~~Step Three: Embarrass him on social media~~

Step Four: Glitter-ify the dog

Step Five: Ducks (again)

Step Six: Put his stuff on top of the fridge

He grinned, yeah, that was perfect.

Honestly, he would have cut step four too, but...

* * *

*Fifteen Minutes Prior*

“You sure this is safe?” Steph asked.

Tim rolled his eyes, “I did my research, okay? This stuff is meant to be safe for dogs, it only lasts a week, and even came from a website that promotes vegetarianism or whatever. I made sure that it wouldn’t hurt him, just bedazzle him.”

Steph laughed, “Okie dokies. Let’s glitter-ify this dog.”

* * *

So yeah... Titus was currently in the living room, covered in dog-safe glitter after having taken a particularly colorful bath.

Honestly, Titus seemed to love it. The second he’d seen his fur he’d started jumping around the living room, wagging his tail like mad, and overall being a huge, hilarious dufus.

It was actually really cute.

Damian however, would probably not be cute upon finding out. Or maybe he would? Who knows. Not Tim.

Tim set the list aside and got off the bed to go play with Titus, seeing as Steph was probably getting tired of playing Tug of War.

* * *

“Hey there Timbo, you know, while you were gone I realized that you can’t spell virus without U and I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, angsty, but idc. The next chapter is gonna be jokes and tik toks galore, plus a check in on a certain Bat that we’ve been ignoring...


	26. Step Four: Glitter-ify the Dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome  
> We return from the angst to a land of memes

The video began black, before peaking around the corner to show Nightwing, his feet up on the desk, frantically explaining something to Batman and Red Hood.

“—So my foot’s totally stuck in there right, I’m freaking out, the dog’s having a seizure and I still got half a pie left.”

The video cut as Red Hood burst into laughter.

It’s unclear who took the video, only that it was posted at midnight with no caption and no explanation.

Comments:

“I would sell my first born to know how this story began.”

“His foot is stuck where?”

“Half a pie? That implies that he already ate the other half?”

“His FEET are ON the DESK!!! REBEL”

* * *

Damian woke up to a dog covered entirely in glitter.

His dog, to be more specific.

He automatically knew what this was, and was about to storm out of the house and track down Drake andm u r d e rhim, but then he saw the happy wag of Titus’ tail, and the almost human smile on his face.

Did... did Titus like the glitter?

Damian couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his face as he grabbed his phone off his nightstand to take a picture. Okay... maybe this one wasn’t too bad...

* * *

Jason stared at his phone, desperately trying to find something to do.

“Learn how to knit” No.

“Bake some cookies.” Jason had already done that. At this point he was pretty sure Alfred was going to kick him out of the kitchen, and that was surprising given that Jason was the only one in the family (other than Alfred) who knew what he was doing in the kitchen.

“Do yoga.” Ew, no thanks. Jason already had to do enough stretching as it was.

“Learn to dance.” Jason tilted his head to the side. That could be fun.

He stood, stretching his arms above him before going down the the cave, where he was pretty sure Cass was working on her new dance.

* * *

The next video posted consisted of Black Bat running through a graceful dance with Red Hood next to her, trying his best.

In his defense, he was doing really well, but dancing on point and doing pirouettes at the level Black Bat was doing... wasn’t meant for someone of his stature.

The video ended when Red Hood landed a leap wrong and face planted into the floor.

Comments:

“Poor Hood. He’s trying so hard”

“Red hoods a pretty pretty princess”

“Ya kno, his form was pretty on point”

“If this gets 100,000 likes can we have red hood in a tutu?”

“Me”

* * *

Tim inhaled deeply before taking a bite of the cheeseburger in his hands. Was it incredibly unhealthy? Yes. Was it slightly dangerous for him to be eating take out? Also yes. Was it even more dangerous for him to be not only eating take out, but eating take out with five other people? ......yes.

But look, when you have a whopping success like the first duck prank, which would soon be followed by another round of ducks, how could you not be celebrating?

It felt weird though, the way they were doing this “celebration.” Because while Steph and Babs sat close to him, having already spent the last few days with each other, the other three members of the part were at intervals of six feet, each with their own burger and drink, holding slightly awkward conversations.

“Yumm!” Bart exclaimed, pulling out a fourth cheeseburger.

Tim laughed and rolled his eyes at the joke.

“Hey Tim, why hasn’t Red Robin sued you yet? Like aren’t you technically stealing their brand name?” Kon asked.

“I own the franchise.” Tim responded bluntly, taking a bite of his burger afterwards.

“...what?” Kon asked, though the silence was maintained by everyone else in the group too.

“🎶 _Yumm_ ,” Tim hummed, moving to take a sip of his drink.

“It’s true.” Babs added, a small smile on her face.

“Tim, man, I love you, but with all due respect, what the actual fuck?”

* * *

When Bruce Wayne had mentioned inviting the rest of the family to stay at the Manor during quarantine, Duke had automatically said hell no.

Look, he loved those guys, he really did. But two (or more) weeks, trapped in the same household as Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, _and_ Damian Wayne? Hell no.

Things would go to shit within the first two hours.

He’d called it.

And he was absolutely right.

Still, Duke couldn’t help but laugh as he watched a tik tok with Nightwing balancing on his hands on the banister of the staircase, his masked eyes trained on the camera, creeping forward down the railing as he chanted, “Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do?”

Yeah, he was quite happy where he was, curled up on the couch of one of Bruce’s many (many) safe houses, a Quentin Tarantino film playing on the tv in the background, and a bag of Doritos next to him.

Being alone all this time was boring at times, but it also meant he didn’t have to worry about the Batman hearing him singing Frozen lyrics in the shower. Plus, FaceTime was a thing.

He also had more than enough homework to keep him busy, along with maintaining some sort of fitness routine... both of which he wasn’t doing the best at keeping up with.

It was Tim’s fault. Tim’s dumb tik tok account kept distracting Duke from his work.

Still, he wondered if texting Tim a few ideas would be a bad idea...


	27. Step Five: Ducks (again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehehe  
> Also, is anyone else in America enjoying the massive storm system that’s covering half the country rn or is that just me? Just saying, I woke up at like 6 AM to thunder and then again at 8 and bruh, Quarantine is hard enough can you just let me get some sleep???? (On the other hand, slightly sleep deprived me is great at writing sleep deprived Tim sooooo)

Damian woke up, having spent the last day free of any and all ducks, only for him to find his entire bedroom floor covered in rubber ducks.

He groaned, falling back onto his bed. This wasn’t happening again...

Ducks.

Why did it have to be rubber ducks? He didn’t understand.

Hadn’t he already suffered enough? Was the Duckening not enough for Drake? What was Drake even planning on doing with all these ducks once his revenge was over?

Damian growled lowly, and swung his legs over the edge of the bed to stare the rubber ducks in the eyes. He shoved a few of them out of the way with his foot. Oh wait a minute... hey... kicking them felt good, he noted, as twenty rubber ducks went soaring through the air.

He grinned and kicked them some more.

* * *

Once he managed to get dressed and had kicked enough rubber ducks to satisfy him, he went down to the kitchen for breakfast.

“DAMI!” Grayson yelled. “YOU GOTTA COME WATCH!”

“What now?”

“Cass agreed to film a tik tok for me since Jaybird is still sleeping, come on, lets get dressed!”

“No,” Damian instantly replied.

Grayson looked at him, a sad puppy look on his face. “Why not?”

“MY SUIT IS STILL HOT PINK!”

Grayson stared at him before laughing, “I forgot about that oh my god.”

Damian growled.

“Well it’s okay, just put on a domino mask and one of Bruce’s big coats and we’ll be good.” Grayson said cheerfully, the corners of his eyes still crinkled from laughing.

* * *

The tik tok that was posted next was not something anyone expected, but it certainly wasn’t something anyone would take back either.

It began abruptly, with Nightwing hanging by his legs from a very expensive, Venetian glass style chandelier, arms spread wide and back slightly arched as he dangled in the air. The epitome of dramatic.

“I’M GONNA SWINGGGG FROM THE CHANDELEIRRRRR, FROM THE _CHANDELIEEEER_!”

“WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP??!!” Red Hood’s voice screamed from out of frame.

Nightwing’s grip loosened, and the last frame of him showed his panicked expression as he fell from the chandelier, but instead of focusing on his fall, the camera turned to Robin, who was standing next to the camera, body wrapped in a large blue coat, a hot pink domino mask on his face. “He has the voice of an angel.” Robin deadpanned.

The last thing that could be heard was an upbeat, “I’m alright!” before the video ended.

Comments:

“Red Hood has no class”

“YASSS QUEEN”

“#cancelredhood2020”

“at this point everything in 2020 is cancelled so why not”

“Robin is looking fab”

“Give him a little dog in a hand purse and he’s one of those Beverly Hills ladies”

* * *

There were rubber ducks in the coat. Damian was trying to ignore that fact. He didn’t even understand how the coat had ducks in it’s pockets, and he didn’t want to know. All he wanted was for the Duckening Pt 2 to end.

* * *

Dinner was a disaster. Why?

Well because halfway through, Father got a phone call, Todd decided to start cleaning his guns, Grayson made at least four puns, none of which were at all funny, Cain and Pennyworth had disappeared to go finish up dessert, and Damian was left staring at a larger-than-normal rubber duck that had appeared on his plate when he wasn’t looking.

* * *

The next tik tok from that day was a hint. A warning, perhaps.

It showed a duck. That’s it. One, single, duck. Sitting on top of a refrigerator.

And that was it. Nothing else. No explanation, no reason for why, not even a signature from the vigilante who had posted it.

Comments:

“???”

“Why is there a duck on the fridge? Guys, come on. We know you’re crazy but this is taking it a bit far.”

“That’s it, you’re in time out! Get on top of the fridge! Get up there!”

“this house is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE”

“Me.”

“Same”

“Ducks on the fridge, ducks on the fridge, ducks on—“

* * *

This was it. The final test. If Damian walked into his room, and there was another rubber duck, he was going to snap.

He gingerly opened the door, uncertain.

He stopped.

He stared.

“Quack.”

No....

The duck turned it’s head, glistening eyes making eye contact with Damian from where it sat on his bed.

There... there was a live duck in his bedroom. Not a rubber duck. No, this time Drake had finished with... a drake.

“That’s it, Bat-Duck. I’m keeping you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, the final step: putting his things on top of the fridge


	28. Step Six: Put His Stuff On Top of the Fridge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a ridiculously short chapter and no I don’t feel bad about it

Tim’s favorite part. The final move.

He wanted to witness this in person, so here he laid, in the ceiling vents, watching, waiting.

“DRAKE WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY KATANA? AND MY PHONE? AND MY SHAMPOO?”

Tim withheld a snicker as Damian stormed into the kitchen, having received his note, which read, “ _Meet me in the kitchen if you want your stuff back —Tim_ ”

Tim saw the way Damian’s eyes widened upon seeing all of his stuff sitting in a neat pile on top of the fridge. The way his jaw set as he approached, obviously wary of any traps.

The best part? There weren’t any traps. It was just Damian’s stuff, sitting on top of the fridge. Out of reach of Damian’s tiny arms.

Damian soon seemed to figure this out, and Tim clicked record as he watched Damian leap pathetically to try and reach his stuff.

Tim wasn’t intending to make this a tik tok, he just wanted the video to watch when he needed a laugh. Because nothing about watching Damian realize he was too short to reach his things wasn’t hilarious to him, especially when he started climbing the countertops to get to his things.

This was the end of his revenge plan, and my oh my, it felt amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the Revenge Plan is over and now we enter Meme Territory, and I promise you, none of you are ready for what’s to come


	29. One Crack Cocaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MEME TERRITORY  
> (If you guys have seen the post, you know what this is. It’s literally my favorite Batfam post ever I think)

“On the bright side, I could be addicted to crack cocaine.” Red Hood said absentmindedly, to no one in particular. He did this sometimes, just pointing out reasons for why killing is okay.

“On the downside, you could definitely afford one,” Red Robin said, face covered in a domino mask but otherwise wearing boxers and a shirt that read “T is for Tired” as he sat, staring at something on the computer screen.

It was hard to tell if this tik tok was rehearsed or not, because the slightly slow way Red Robin’s fingers moved across the keyboard and the long pause everyone else in the Cave took after that statement suggested it wasn’t. However, there was no reason for Red Robin to be wearing only his domino mask, or any reason for the other three Birds to be standing in the cave, in full suit.

“One crack cocaine.” Red Hood said slowly.

Red Robin kept typing, though there was a slight widening to his eyes that suggested that he realized what he’d just said.

“Hi, yes, Mr Drug Dealer?” Nightwing spoke up, his voice teasing. “Yeah, I’d like to purchase one crack cocaine please.”

“Debit or credit?” Red Hood asked, the smirk clear in his voice.

“Actually I have a gift card!” Robin added, joyfully raising his hand. Red Robin slammed his head on the desk.

Comments:

“This is like the Gotham equivalent of “one black coffee” from that John Mulaney skit”

“When was the last time RR slept?”

“are any of them even old enough to do drugs”

“Is Red Robin ok?”

“No, he can’t even afford one”

“Do you think they’d accept my gamestop gift card from 5 years ago?”

* * *

The video showed the four Birds all crowded around the Batcomputer, looking at what seemed to be a criminal’s profile. Red Robin still sat in the chair, controlling the screen, though there was a notable puddle of coffee on the table next to him from an overturned mug.

None of their faces could be seen, but it didn’t matter. “There is only one thing worse than a rapist—“ Nightwing began.

“Robin.” Red Robin said at the same time Red Hood replied with, “A child.”

“nO”

The video ended as Robin leapt to attack the clearly sleep deprived teenager, screaming angrily.

Comments:

“And this is how I know they’re related”

“THEY KNOW THEY MEME”

“Ahhh yes, back to the classics”

“Robin glittered a whole bedroom. He’s the worst kind of thing”

“RR ducked an entire house, I think he might be worse”

“What happened to the coffee? Who would disgrace such a holy drink like that?”

“You mean the burnt rat juice?”

“the fuck? Coffee is a blessed drink sent from the heavens to illicit life in all of us”

“caffeine is a drug”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk if you guys have noticed, but Timmy seems to be getting sleepy, and we all know what that means...
> 
> Also [here's](https://bat-clan.tumblr.com/post/158778577538/saekimchi-saekimchi-one-crack-cocaine) that post


	30. Adventures in Sleep Deprivation Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is straight crack ngl

Tim hummed slowly, looking down at the tablet in his hands. It showed a news article about his (their) tik tok account. His eyes traced slowly over the words, reading them but not quite comprehending them.

He tilted his head and focused more. Maybe pulling an all nighter with Jason and Cass playing Subnautica was a bad idea... not to mention the night before than when he’d stayed up researching an old case that had never been closed... or the night before that when he was too excited about the final prank to sleep more than 3 hours.

“Red Robin, Red Hood, Black Bat, Nightwing, Spoiler, and Robin all seem to be in on the account now, and viewers are constantly waiting for more chaotic content from Batman’s sidekicks.”

Tim squinted, lips pursed. Sidekicks? Robin was a sidekick, sort of. Everyone else were more like... partners that occasionally tell Batman to fuck off. Sidekicks definitely wasn’t the right word. He opened the Notes section in his phone and wrote himself a reminder to make a tik tok clearing up the sidekick thing.

He shook his head and kept reading.

“After Red Robin assaulted Robin with thousands of rubber ducks and painted his suit hot pink (a revenge plan to get Robin back for coating RR’s room in glitter), it seems the Birds are back to random one liners and insane acrobatics curtesy of Nightwing.

“But there is one thing watchers have noticed about these videos. Despite many videos being filmed inside their own home, the editing is meticulously done to make sure only the relevant parts of their house can be seen. In addition, even if the Birds aren’t in costume, their faces are either blurred out or, as in more recent videos, their suit has been edited in to conceal their identities.

“One way or another, Red Robin and the others involved in this tik tok account have been incredibly careful, and to those looking to discover Batman’s identity through analyzing these videos, I’m sorry to say, but you won’t find anything.

“Click the link below to check out some of these Gotham vigilantes’ best tik toks.”

Tim didn’t bother clicking it, instead deciding to stand up and go get some more coffee from the kitchen. A hazy feeling had covered his brain, and his hands shook slightly. _Hmmm... shakyyyy bones..._

When he walked in, Jason was standing at the stove, cooking something.

“Whatt are you cookinnnggg..” Tim mumbled out, stumbling to the coffee machine.

What if he poured Red Bull into the water section of the coffee maker..?

“Dumplings.” Jason replied. “You want some?”

“Dumplings imply the existence of one large Dumple.”

“Okay...” Jason seemed unsure. Unsure of what though? Was there something wrong with the dumple?

Tim furrowed his eyebrows and approached Jason, but his depth perception must have been a bit off because he found himself with a face full of Jason’s shoulder blade.

He stumbled back, holding his face, confused. “Whaaa?”

“When was the last time you slept?” Jason asked him, eyebrows raised in concern.

“Tuesday.” Tim replied.

Jason smirked, “Replacement, get some sleep. Today’s fucking Saturday.”

“Is it? Wow. Time.”

Tim was pretty sure he had a point with that statement, but then he remembered that he came here for coffee. He turned back to the coffee machine and decided that yes, Red Bull in the water section thingie would be genius.

“Uhhh whatcha doing there?” Jason asked. Tim wasn’t sure if Jason was talking to him though, so he kept pouring his Red Bull into the coffee machine.

“Tim? What are you doing?”

“A smoothie.” Tim replied. It made sense. A smoothie. He was a smoothie. Smoooooooothie. He was one smooth motherfucker.

Wait. Tim has fucked no mothers. He was more like... one smooth cracker. Yeah, Tim would say he was a cracker.

“I’m gonna go get Dick. You... stay here.” Jason told him, pointing at the ground like Tim was a dog or something. Was Tim supposed to sit down? Hmmm.... seemed logical.

“Okay, emo prince, you and Roy have fun. Remember to use...” _What was the word?_ “Bananas.”

Jason sputtered at the doorway for a moment, trying to process the nonsense that had just spewed from Tim’s mouth. Tim was sitting criss cross on the kitchen floor now, eyes wide open like he’d just seen the ghost of his sanity floating in front of him.

Jason wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case.

* * *

“Oh my god, he hasn’t moved.”

“Jeez, when was the last time he slept?”

“Tuesday.”

Tim blinked. Was his coffee speaking to him? Should he answer? What does one say to coffee? “Thankssss” He mumbled out.

“...oh my. Um... why don’t you take him up to his room and make sure he goes to sleep. I’ll get rid of whatever monstrosity it is that he’s made.”

Monster? Tim didn’t think much of it. Chances were the monster was Damian.

Jason knelt down in from of him. “Hey, Timbo. Stand up.”

“Comedy.” Tim finished for him. “One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet.”

“And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!” Jason replied, arms wrapping around Tim to pull him up.

“Oooooh! Ducklings!”

“My god he really is out of it,” Dick commented from somewhere nearby.

“He’s quoting John Mulaney. I think if we just go with whatever nonsense he spouts we’ll be better off.” Jason said before turning back to Tim, expression serious. “Too old to be a duckling, quack quack.”

Tim giggled, burying his face in Jason’s chest. He felt movement, like a mountain was rising up from the depths of the ocean to claim his soul. “Alright I’m gonna bring this munchkin up to his room—“

“Uhhhh Jay?”

“Yeah Golden Boy?”

“He drank it.”

“What?”

“The coffee. He drank it.”

“Oh god.”

“I am NOT a munchkin.” Tim interjected, his brain catching up to that point in the conversation. “I’m fun sized.” He defended.

“Okay then fun size,” Jason smiled, shaking his head. “Let’s get you to your room.”

* * *

Jason had managed to get Tim in bed, desperately hoping that Tim would fall asleep before the Red Bull-Coffee monstrosity kicked in.

But when was he ever that lucky?

“Hey Buckethead!” Tim called after him, his voice holding an energy that it hadn’t five minutes ago. Please no...

“Yea—“

“The floor is lava!”

“Fuck!” Jason exclaimed, leaping to grab the top of the doorframe he was currently under, spreading his legs to wedge himself there. “Screw you, Replacement!” He yelled, though he knew Tim could see the grin on his face.

Tim had just reminded him of the most chaotic week the Batfam had ever experienced, the Floor is Lava Week, as it had been loving dubbed.

And now, he was going to reintroduce it, this time catching everything on camera for the world to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys do you know how long I’ve been waiting to write out the floor is lava???


	31. Idk a chapter i guess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All schools in my state are officially closed for the rest of this school year, so... that’s fun I guess? Idk quarantine is weird and I haven’t left my house in like 27 days or something.

Once Tim had let him leave his position in the door frame, Jason grabbed Tim by his way-too-thin arms and dragged him out of bed saying, “you drank that death coffee shit anyways, you won’t be sleeping for hours.” Which was true, but still, Tim could’ve gotten up on his own.

Then Jason texted everyone, demanding a family meeting, in suits, in the cave. A weird demand, but okay?

“Hey Jay, what are we doing exactly?” Tim asked as Jason continued to drag him through the household.

“We need to tell Bruce.”

“Did you drink some of my coffee?”

“No, I didn’t.” Jason yanked them around a corner. “Do you remember the Floor is Lava Week?”

“Of course I remember the Floor is Lava Week how could I forget it? Why are you—“ Tim stopped. “Oh.”

“Exactly.” Jason said with a grin and pushed Tim into the elevator that led down into the cave, quickly following behind.

“Hey hold the door!” Dick exclaimed. Behind him was Damian, who looked unhappy to be there.

They held the door and soon all four of the batboys were chilling in the elevator as it descended down to the secret lair beneath their house.

“Why did you call us Todd?”

“Jason wants—“

“Shh,” Jason pressed a large finger on Tim’s lips. “Silence.”

Tim glared at him but said nothing.

The door opened and the four of them stepped out into the cave, and Jason was happy to see that Black Bat and Batman were already there, suited up and ready for chaos.

Well, they didn’t know it would be chaos, but they’d soon find out.

“Jason, what—“

“Can it, old man. Let everyone change first.”

Bruce looked bewildered, but said nothing, instead turning to Black Bat, who merely shrugged.

* * *

“Okay, now that we’re all here for this lovely family meeting—“

“Why are we having a family meeting in suit in the batcave and not, you know, in the living room like a normal family?” Dick asked first. They were sitting in a circle of six chairs in the middle of the cave, suited up, and generally looking confused as to why they were there.

“Well first off because we’re not normal. And second off, I think it’s time we tell Bruce something, and if he gets mad, I’d rather not be near Alfred’s vases.”

The entire room stiffened at that, all of the batkids realizing what was about to go down.

“Tell me what?” Bruce asked cautiously.

“Father, if you’ll remember, I tried to warn you about this.” Robin interjected, looking proud.

“He did,” Tim added. “‘Todd and Drake are being suspicious’” Tim mocked, his voice sounding nothing like Damian’s.

“That is not—“

“Just tell me what happened! What did you guys do? Please tell me it’s not more bat-dragons...” Bruce near-begged.

They all looked at each other as if to say, ‘Hey, that’s not a bad idea.’

Tim stood, walking up to the Batcomputer and typed a few things in.Bruce’s trained eyes could see that he was taking down several security protocols, all of which Bruce had no idea were there. Despite the rate at which Tim was typing, it still took several minutes for all the firewalls to fall. Bruce realized it was because Tim had designed them personally to make sure Bruce didn’t see whatever it is that they were hiding.

Tim stepped back but nothing happened. “Okay, Bruce. When all of this quarantine stuff started, I may have set up an account to... cure my boredom.”

Bruce narrowed his eyes but said nothing.

Tim turned to the computer, opened Google, and typed “Red Robin.”

Bruce watched as the first search result was not a wiki page about the restaurant, but actually a news article.

“Tim,” he warned slowly.

“Don’t worry. I made sure to keep everything... safe and stuff.” Tim yawned, bags still under his eyes despite the fact that he was bouncing slightly from the caffeine.

Tim scrolled further down the page and clicked on something, but the page reloaded before Bruce could see what it was.

“Why is this a tik tok account?” Bruce asked the second he saw the page.

No one answered, instead, Tim clicked play.

* * *

Bruce closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. “Tim, you do realize—“

“I was careful, B! I made sure that it would impossible for anyone to figure out our identities through the videos. Trust me!”

Bruce sighed, “I trust you, but you do realize that this account ruins our fear-based reputation, correct?”

There was a pause, Bruce looked up. “Welllllll...” Dick said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I disagree, Father.” Damian spoke up. “Drake, show him to video clips from my most recent patrol with him.”

“You mean the pink suits one?”

“Yes. About two hours into patrol.”

Tim typed a few things and pulled up what Bruce realized was a suit cam. Tim... had installed cameras in their suits. _Wow_ , Bruce truly was the world’s greatest detective, wasn’t he?

“There.”

Tim paused the video and Bruce recognized the moment. It was from when he’d had to deal with a rapist on their last patrol.

“You see Father, despite this account having existed for several weeks prior and you being dressed in a pink suit, this man is still terrified. I doubt the account is ruining your reputation.”

Well... that was true.

“And,” Jason added, standing. “Tim and I have noticed that civilians feel more comfortable around us when we save them, and that seems to be a byproduct of them realizing that we’re all human like them.”

The group nodded. Bruce tilted his head to the side, realizing something. “You’ve known about this?” He asked Cass, signing as he went.

“Yes. Dance.” She replied.

Tim was already typing, pulling up the video. Bruce turned and saw Cass dancing in the Black Bat suit across the batcave floors. He couldn’t help the small smile on his face.

“So, you installed cameras in all of our suits, and placed several firewalls to keep me from finding out about this tik tok account, and went through great lengths to tell one family member at a time.” Bruce surmised.

“Yep.” Tim replied. “Though, it’s worth saying that Oracle has been putting a lot of effort into keeping the account a secret from you, as per Spoiler’s request. Also, basically the entire world knows about it, and I wouldn’t be surprised if all of the Justice League knew before you did.”

Bruce grunted, though internally he was kinda impressed. Being able to keep a secret like this from him? Yeah, impressive. “So why are you telling me now?”

“Well,” Jason spoke up, gesturing for Tim to return to their circle of chairs. Tim typed a few things before turning to sit back in his chair, completing the circle once again.

“I’ve decided that the world is struggling greatly during these trying times, and they need some humor in their lives. So I’m proposing, that for the next week, we spend our lives in suit,” Jason stood, grabbing his chair and throwing it across the room before kicking out the chairs of the people next to him— Tim and Dick— and throwing them too.

“What are you—?” Dick began to ask, but Tim realized what was happening and gestured for Black Bat to stand. She did and Tim tookher chair too.

Jason in the meantime, had managed to take Bruce’s and Damian’s chairs, tossing them to join the rest.

“Recording the chaos that is...” Jason picked up his speech again. “The floor is lava!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Throughout this entire thing, I haven’t decided which suit Tim is wearing. Is it the cape and cowl one? The wings? The rip off Robin with the two R’s? I mean, I’d be fine if it were the Ünternet suit (cause that one is badass) but who knows which one it is? Not me.


	32. The Floor is Lava (The Beginning)

Immediately Nightwing was scrambling to find higher ground. Batman, who had discovered long ago, during the First the Floor Is Lava Week, that he _HAD_ to play, also found himself moving.

Red Robin was on top of the desk in front of the Batcomputer, with Batman standing next to him. Robin was clinging onto Red Hood’s legs, the latter of which had jumped and grabbed the bottom of the staircase closest to them, and was now hanging there. Nightwing had vaulted up to land on one of the display cases, and Black Bat had simply balanced herself on one of the overturned chairs.

All in less than 5 seconds.

“SAFE!” Jason yelled, and then dropped to the floor, well aware of the Robin who had been clinging to his legs.

Everyone else climbed down from their positions, and Jason nodded to Tim, who turned to the Batcomputer and started typing.

Bruce noticed that Tim was pulling up the footage from the suit cams, and they all watched as certain clips were edited and put together and then Tim was sending the video to his phone.

“Done. The Floor is Lava Week 2.0,” Tim announced, holding out his phone. Nightwing cheered.

Bruce shook his head and took the phone to see the video, restraining a smile as he watched Red Hood yell out “the floor is lava!” Followed by all the suit cams shaking to the point where it was hard to make out what was happening until everyone had stilled.

“So....” Nightwing began. “Do you approve of the account?”

Bruce grunted, “Once quarantine is over, I might have you shut it down. But until then, you can keep it.”

“YES!” Multiple cheers rang out, and Bruce noted that even Damian and Cass were smiling.

“Okay, so ground rules.” Jason began. “The first the floor is lava week was chaos, but it also took place out of suit and throughout the house. Obviously that won’t work if we want to film it all, so I propose that we all stay in suit and only go into the house for meals and maybe a few other things that will be decided in the moment.”

“So what, you want us to have a massive sleep over down here in the cave?” Nightwing asked.

Bruce closed his eyes, he was too old for this.

“Sure!” Jason exclaimed. “I mean, we can do everything mostly the same seeing as the cave is plenty big enough for all of us, there’s that blank wall over there that we can use for movies if we dig the projector out of storage—“ Jason continued, pointing at a wall on the other side of the cave. “And besides, we’ve all been saying that we need to spar more and hang out more anyways.”

Tim raised an eyebrow, “Since when are you all about family bonding time?”

Jason shrugged, “I’m not, but the Floor Is Lava Week is something I’m willing to make sacrifices for.”

Nightwing smiled, “I’m in!”

Cass nodded, “I can teach you all to dance.”

That piqued Tim’s interest, naturally, because getting to spend time with Cass was a blessing. “Sure, but if anyone touches my laptop or my coffee I’m going to commit murder, and then we’ll be playing a completely different game called ‘Who’s next on Tim’s Hit List?’ Okay?”

There was nodding, and lots of pointedly looking at Damian. Speaking of which, Damian was looking to Batman for an answer.

“Fine.” Bruce grunted, “But I’ll be sleeping in my bed, thank you very much.”

Robin nodded that he would be joining the game as well.

“Fantastic!” Nightwing exclaimed. “That’s everyone. Should we invite Steph, Babs, and Duke over for the week?”

“Dick,” Bruce began. “Just because we’re playing a game doesn’t mean the world still isn’t undergoing a pandemic. They need to stay at home, unless you forgot that Tim doesn’t have a spleen and Alfred is particularly susceptible to the Coronavirus.”

“Actually—“ Tim interjected. “When I was gone I spent the week with Babs and Steph, so they should be fine. And I kinda doubt Duke’s been anywhere. They should all be fine to hang out with.”

Bruce glared at him, “Do you have no regard for your health?”

Tim shrugged, “I mean, it’s not like we’re all still patrolling anyways, which, you know, breaks the stay at home order.”

.........okay, fair. Bruce grunted and turned away.

“So can we invite them? Just for the week?” Nightwing asked, sounding like an excited puppy.

“Sure.”


	33. Duke Hasn’t Even Left the Safe House Yet and is Already Done With His Family’s Shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter from Duke’s perspective.
> 
> Ya know, when I started this fic I knew it was going to be hilarious, but I had no idea that I’d be taking it to 40+ chapters (yes, I’ve written 40 chapters so far) and the fact that I’m somehow keeping a posting schedule is mystifying to me... anyways... Duke...

Duke Thomas had no idea why he’d actually agreed to spending the week with the entire Batclan. Maybe he was bored? Maybe it was because he’d missed the first the Floor is Lava Week and had heard too many stories of it for him to miss this one too? Maybe he was missing Alfred’s cookies or Damian’s tuts of annoyance? Or maybe he’d finally gone insane and joined the rest of the family on the crazy train?

Whatever the reason was, he found himself packing his bag, clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste, a roll of toilet paper as an offering, deodorant, charger, Signal Suit, marshmallows for s’mores, and a few movies to watch.

Why was he packing all of this random stuff? Well because in the “invite” he’d been told that they’d all be camping down in the Batcave for the week, wearing their suits constantly or near-constantly, doing family stuff or whatever (not that this family knows what family stuff even is), and yelling “The Floor Is Lava” at any given moment. Anyone can call it, but if you aren’t off the ground and safe in 3-5 seconds, you’re “dead” and will be subjected to punishment (which is decided by whoever called it). No mercy.

The rules applied to everyone except Alfred and Babs. Alfred was invincible, and Babs’ wheelchair gave her constant safety from the lava. The people that weren’t immune included:

-Bruce Wayne (aka Batman) (aka Duke had no idea what he would do if he called the Floor is Lava and The Batman didn’t make it to safety in time) (cause then he has to punish The Batman and he doesn’t even know how to do that) (no justicing for the rest of the week?) (no more adopting random children?) (Duke didn’t know.)

-Dick Grayson (aka Nightwing) (aka Mr. I-Can-Do-Five-Backflips-In-A-Row) (in heels).

-Jason Todd (aka Red Hood) (Aka Mr. I-Have-Guns) (and yes, I shoot them inside)

-Tim Drake (aka Red Robin) (aka Mr. Near-Death-Coffee-Experience) (aka most likely to fall asleep right as someone calls the Floor is Lava and just, Lay There) (aka the guy who started the tik tok account and therefore might as well be treated as a God).

-Cassandra Cain (aka Black Bat) (aka Ms. Silent-but-Terrifying-but-also-a-sweetheart).

-Stephanie Brown (aka Spoiler) (aka purple and waffles) (aka Ms. Most-Likely-to-Call-it-at-Four-in-the-Morning)

-Damian Wayne (aka Robin) (aka Bat Brat) (aka most likely to punch someone in the face in the first day) (that someone probably being Duke)

-And Duke Thomas (aka Signal) (aka the guy that was really hoping his ability to see a few seconds into the future would save him here)

Yeah, he didn’t think any of this week would be going well for him, especially if they were all camping out in the Cave. Which had to be a violation of like, 50 social distancing rules, but technically he’d been in self-isolation long enough to be safe, and he doubted Bruce would let anyone into the house without testing them first, so he figured it was probably okay.

He shook his head, wondering what the hell he was doing, before grabbing his bag and getting in the car Bruce had let him borrow to take to the safe house. To the Manor he goes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are about to get craaaaazyyyy


	34. Setting Up

Tim looked around the cave. Nowhere would be safe for the next week, but that didn’t mean that choosing a place to put his stuff wouldn’t be important. He had his laptop, pillows and blankets, clothes and stuff, charger and phone, and everything else he’d need to camp out in the Batcave for a week, it was just a matter of choosing his hide out.

Bruce had already made it clear that he would be sleeping in his own bed, in his own room, but Dick had made it perfectly clear that everyone else (except Babs) had to camp out in the cave.

When asked why, the answer was, “because only true chaos can begin if someone calls it while everyone is sleeping.” Which was fair.

Tim looked around before seeing Jason dragging a large mattress across the floor of the cave. “Hey leatherhead, whatcha doing there?”

Jason grunted, “If Bruce gets to sleep in his own bed then I do too dammit.”

Tim tilted his head to the side. Also fair.

Tim looked at the pile of stuff around him before deciding, he’d deal with this later, first: Coffee.

He hadn’t slept properly in 5 days, after all.

* * *

Dick Grayson had called the “everyone sleeps in the batcave” order not just because calling the floor is lava at 4AM would be fun, but also because it gave him the perfect excuse to force Damian to cuddle with him for the next week.

“Tt. Richard.” Damian tutted as Dick followed him around, cracking a few jokes. “I don’t see why you can’t find somewhere to stay on your own.”

“Because I love youuuuu!” Dick cooed, dragging Damian into a hug. Damian growled at him, but otherwise didn’t try to fight back, which Dick took as an absolute win.

* * *

Stephanie would be camping with the only other girl here, Cass, and they were going to have sooooo much fun. If it were up to her, she and Cass would be camping in Babs’ room with her, but alas, Dick said no.

But that was okay cause she would still get to hang out with her best girl Cass and it was going to be the best week ever! And by best she means the most chaotic, ridiculous, you can’t even let your guard down for one second week. 

She spotted Tim across the cave, a cup of coffee in either hand. “Hey babe!” She yelled, despite the fact that her and Tim weren’t actually dating anymore. She just liked to mess with him. “Can I ship you a drink?”

Tim blinked at her in confusion and wowwww, the coffee wasn’t helping his sleep deprivation, was it? “Was that..?”

“Yes, yes it was.”

“You’ve done better.” Tim said, turning and walking towards where Duke was setting up makeshift bed out of pillows and blankets. Steph was offended. Sure, she had done way better with the quarantine pick up lines, but for him to call her out on it? Offensive.

But luckily, she had a week to get back at him.

* * *

Bruce stared at the people in the cave, only blinking occasionally. Why had he agreed to this? (He hadn’t, he’d been forced. It was just like the last time this had happened) (But this was even worse) (Because he knew that with the entire family there, the Manor probably wouldn’t still be standing by the end of the week.) (Steph, Dick, AND Jason? All at once?) (Not to mention Tim and Damian) (at least Cass, Babs, and Duke were somewhat reliable) (oh wait, don’t forget to add himself into the mix because Bruce will not lose a stupid game of the Floor is Lava to his children) (yes, this game is a competition in this family) (there’s a trophy and everything) (currently it’s sitting in Dick’s apartment) (It’s a secret, but Bruce can’t wait for it to be back in the Manor) (so when people come over he can do exactly what Dick does) (“Hi yes, you see this massive trophy? Yeah, I beat all of my family at a very intense game of the Floor is Lava that may have resulted in two broken chandeliers and therapy for Tim”) (“Yes I’m very proud, thank you for noticing.”)

Bruce watched as Tim tripped on a stray cord and face planted onto the concrete floor, both mugs in his hands flying across the floor, spilling steaming hot black coffee everywhere.

No one moved as Tim laid there, silent, but everyone was watching. Even Damian seemed curious as to what Tim would do.

“Well that just dills my pickle,” Tim mumbled out, before rolling onto his side and curling in on himself, falling asleep in seconds.

The cave remained silent for another minute, waiting to see if Tim would wake up or stay curled there on the floor, body half soaked in coffee, fast asleep.

It seemed it was the latter. “I’ll get the mop.” Jason said, walking to go clean up the coffee.

“Um... should we move him?” Duke asked, looking back and forth between Tim and Bruce.

Bruce shrugged, “Probably.”

“Then again, we could just leave him there and see how many people trip over him.” Steph added from across the cave where she was hanging up what looked like fairy lights. Was that allowed? Had Alfred cleared fairy lights in the cave?

Duke seemed worried, “I think... um, that seems like a bad idea. I’m gonna move him out of the way.”

Bruce grunted an affirmation, letting Duke do what he wanted.

The game hadn’t even started and things were already looking like total chaos, and Jason returning with a mop while Dick did a handstand on his shoulders didn’t help reassure Bruce.


	35. Intros and Jenga

“Hey guys, what’s up, it’s the Batfam here!” Nightwing announced, though the only one you could see was him. “Of course, there’s way too many of us to show all at once, blame Batman, he takes in more strays than Robin.”

“I do not.” A gruff voice sounded behind them. Everyone watching had that moment of, holy shit, Batman knows. Batman is on tik tok.

“Yeah yeah, keep telling yourself that.” The sarcastic voice of Red Hood retorted, also off screen.

“Oh my god, guys I’m trying to do an intro.” Nightwing complained, looking annoyed.

“This isn’t Youtube, Dickshit.” Spoiler yelled across the room.

Nightwing rolled his eyes at the comment, more specifically the nickname. Or insult. But he preferred to think of it in a loving way. “Anyways,” He looked back to the camera. “In our last video, you guys got a taste of what’s about to go down. You see, the batfam is like one giant trail mix container of conflicting personalities, vigilante justice, and life threatening injuries and/or habits. It’s not Bats’ fault, we’re all just insane.”

A scoff came from Red Hood, “Ain’t that the truth.”

“So that’s why I’m making this intro.” The camera flipped around as he kept talking to show the Batcave, “because the next week is gonna be crazy.” The cave was large and spacious, with a mattress in one corner, a makeshift hammock hanging from the ceiling, and six sleeping bags/pillow and blanket arrangements. Red Hood was chilling in a lawn chair in the middle of the floor, reading a book with a pretty black and gold cover, the page he was on was black with white lettering, but other than that it was hard to tell what book he was reading. Robin was sitting with a dog at his feet, a cat in his lap, and cleaning his katana. Batman sat at the Batcomputer, though it wasn’t on, a cup of hot tea in his hand. Spoiler was sitting with Black Bat and Signal, playing go fish, as evidenced by Spoiler asking, “Got any Aces?” “Go Fish.” Black Bat replied, a sort of snarky cruelty to he voice as Spoiler sighed dramatically and went fishing. The camera then zoomed in on the mattress in the corner, which was clearly Red Hood’s, if the gun and leather jacket sitting at the edge were anything to go by, but curled amongst the blankets was a peacefully sleeping Red Robin. Though... there was something off.

“Yes, those are Jenga blocks on his head.” Nightwing commented, a bit of playfulness to his voice.

Red Hood spoke up, “I challenged him to a game. If you wake him up, you lose, if you knock over the tower, you lose. And yes, we’re about to play. And yes, we’ll be posting that video soon.”

A few chuckles came from the cave, signaling the end of the video.

Comments:

“Is that the entire Batfam? Oh my god, there’s so many of them”

“SOCIAL DISTANCING”

“RR looks so cute omg”

“Is that the Wicker King? Red Hood, please confirm, I need answers. If it is, please post a video with your reaction.”

“”What’s the cat’s name?!!!!”

“NANANANA BATMANNNN”

“‘I do not’ Batman says as he is surrounded by not 1, not 2, but 7 children.”

“He works alone.”

“No wonder Batman resorted to vigilantism, I would too if I had seven goddamn children”

“Dickshit? I have questions”

“Don’t”

* * *

The next video posted showed Nightwing, his face serious as he pushed out a Jenga block from a very precarious looking tower. He heaved a sigh of relief when it didn’t fall.

The angle switched to show Red Hood, his helmet off to the side, domino mask across his face, showing his black hair that had been adorned with a white stripe. His eyes were narrowed in concentration.

“We’ve been playing for 20 minutes,” Nightwing whispered, and it was clearly true. The tower was on it’s last legs, with the bottom pieces being only one block instead of three, and that extended for most of the tower until you looked to the top, where new pieces were being added, making the completion of one’s turn even more difficult. The fact that it was being played on the side of Red Robin’s sleeping head didn’t help any, as his breathing or shifting would occasionally cause near disasters.

Red Hood successfully removed a piece and placed it back on the top of the tower, before smirking at Nightwing in triumph. “Your turn Golden Boy.” He snarked.

Nightwing reached for the tower, and the camera angle shifted. Nightwing removed a piece, working at it slowly, trying his best not to make the tower fall.

The block cleared the tower, and Nightwing made to place it down, but right as he did, the boy underneath them shifted slightly, causing Nightwing’s hand to place the block with too much force, causing the entire tower to go crumbling down onto Red Robin’s head, the wood echoing loudly throughout the cave.

But Red Robin didn’t stir, merely shifted further and continued sleeping soundly.

“You lost,” Red Hood sing songed. “I believe that means I’m granted immunity for one round if I choose to activate it.”

Nightwing groaned, “Yeah.”

“Fuck yeah!”

Comments:

“Do they do this often?”

“HOW DID HE SLEEP THROUGH THAT?”

“So does that mean the winner of the go fish game was granted immunity?”

“obviously”

“Watch your language!”

“frick”

“you’re on thin fucking ice buddy”

“...fuck”

“Red Hood’s hair gives me life.”

“I mean, it gives /me/ a lot more that that, if ya know what I mean...”

“The video was great but the entire time i was just staring at how soft their hair looks. All of them. So soft...”

“Poor wing”

“poor rr, I mean, he’s gonna wake up to a bunch of Jenga blocks in his bed”

“That’s obviously Hood’s bed, you can tell by the gun”

“Oh I’m sorry I didn’t realize that I had to be an expert in which bed belongs to each Batfam member in order to comment”

“The pure concentration”

“Bruuuh. RR is OUT”

“WAIT. HES SLEEPING. GUYS HES SLEEPING”

“I guess pretty boi isn’t perfect at everything then”

“Don’t be mean!!!”


	36. A Quarantini

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to more chaotic the Floor is Lava + me inserting as many memes as I possibly can into one chapter, this chapter’s pretty great ngl, and for those of you that love the comments section,,, well have fun...

Robin had challenged Signal to a duel. Poor Duke had looked terrified, but accepted the challenge regardless.

Jason was pretty sure that he was using his meta powers so he didn’t get punched in the face by Damian’s wild fists.

Spoiler and Nightwing were cheering them on, both of them having already picked sides. Batman and Black Bat were standing nearby, but Jason was 90% sure they were having a telepathic conversation about the fight because neither of them would speak, just occasionally look at each other and nod or shake their heads. It was interesting to watch.

Oracle sat at the Batcomputer, editing a few videos for the account, a smile on her face as she watched Spoiler scream the floor is lava, only for Red Hood to deck her and use her as his island.

(Look, there was no where else for him to be safe, it’s not his fault she hadn’t considered the consequences before calling it.)

Red Robin was still curled up in the covers of Jason’s bed, though Jason had pushed him to the left side of the bed so Jason could sit down and finish his book. Occasionally, Red Robin would shift, drawing Jason’s attention from his book to his brother. Jason wondered if it would be possible to get a time lapse of a sleeping person’s face to see if their eye bags would go away as they slept.

Regardless of that answer though, the point was clear.

Jason and Tim were the only ones safe, and seeing as everyone else was crowded around where Signal was currently roundhouse kicking Robin in the face, things were sure to get interesting.

“THE FLOOR IS LAVA!” He shouted.

He watched as everyone else stiffened and started scrambling to find higher ground.

But then something happened he wasn’t expecting. Batman, whose only good safe spot had just been taken by Black Bat, ran to Robin, knocked him over, and used his son as an island.

Jason started laughing hysterically as Robin’s eyes grew wide upon realizing that he’d just been used as an island, and Batman who stood atop him looked mortified that he’d just swept the legs out from under his child so he could stand on him and be safe from the lava.

Yes, very fatherly.

Nightwing had vaulted up to relax in the hammock he’d strung to the ceiling, and now Jason understood why it was there. Signal had sprinted across half the cave and positioned himself on top of a punching bag, and Spoiler had followed, clinging to the side of another bag.

Jason couldn’t stop laughing. “Safe,” he called. “Robin is to be subject to punishment.”

This was the second punishment Jason got to deal out today, seeing as he’d knocked over the person who’d called the last one, therefore automatically transferring the punishment to him. But he hadn’t administered it yet, saving it up for later. Well this was later.

“Spoiler and Robin must trade suits and impersonate the other for the next 24 hours, and yes, that includes modifying who you hang out with, your things, and how you play the rest of the game.”

* * *

Comments:

“BATS HAS NO MERCY”

“POOR ROBIN OMG”

“How good do you think they’ll be at that? Like, scary good, or is it just gonna be spoiler in the robin suit yelling ‘FIGHT ME’”

“I mean, either way it’d be accurate”

“Batman is cooooold”

“Robin has it coming tho”

“Yasss. Perfect punishment”

“Nightwings jump tho. He’s like a cat”

“Yeah. But he’s chillin tho”

“Why was Signal kicking Robin before this even started?”

“idk wouldn’t you want to kick robin?”

“no????”

* * *

The best part of the punishment is that their suits more or less fit each other, so Robin came walking out in the Spoiler suit, decked in purple and black while Spoiler returned in Robin’s suit, hair pulled back in a low ponytail, hood draped over her head, holding Damian’s katana like she wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.

“The pointy end goes in the villains,” Jason supplied for her.

“Really? I had no idea.”

“Tt.” Robin clicked, before turning to walk towards Titus.

“Uh uh uh,” Jason began, a smile already on his face. “Remember, no tutting for you and no pets either. You are Spoiler now. Same for you Robin,” he turned towards Steph, his grin only going wider. “No quarantine pick up lines, only tuts and animals and vegetarianism.”

That was the moment it seemed to sink in for them.

Jason could tell that Nightwing was holding back laughter, even more so when Steph turned, looked at Damian and goes, “Tt, Brown.” Before turning on her heel and going to pet Alfred the Cat.

Damian growled lowly before remembering his role, bringing his voice to mimic Steph’s perfectly, a skill that had come in handy for him multiple times before. “If you need someone to self-isolate with I make a mean Quarantini.” He announced, and watched as Steph’s back stiffened, trying her best not to react to the pick up line Damian had just dropped using her voice.

But no one else had to follow the mannerisms of Damian Wayne, and they all immediately burst into laughter. Well, everyone being Babs, Dick, Jason, and Duke. Black Bat had a smile on her face and had chuckled a bit at the line, Red Robin was still passed out cold, and Batman’s shoulders were tense, like he was trying his best not to laugh, but other than that, his facade was flawless. The rest of the family, however, were rolling with laughter.

“The floor is lava,” Batman called, already standing atop Cass’ blankets where he’d be safe.

Damian sidestepped to stand atop another sleeping bag, Steph had booked it and belly slid across the desk for the Batcomputer, katana screeching all the way across. Black Bat leaped onto one of the display cases and Nightwing, who had been laying on the floor, suddenly had to stop his laughing all together and pull himself to safety. Safety being climbing on top of Signal’s shoulders as Signal sprinted to the safety of his bedding. Red Hood, who had stood to judge the swapped costumes, yeeted himself across the cave and back onto his mattress, half crushing Red Robin along the way, who was still fast asleep.

“Safe,” Batman grunted. “Though Signal you cut it real close.”

Signal, who still had Nightwing clinging to his shoulders like a cat, heaved a breath in before sarcastically replying, “I wonder why. Get off me.”

* * *

The video had begun with Robin, in the Spoiler suit, proudly lifting his head and using Spoiler’s voice to dish out a better pick up line than anything the real Spoiler had said yet, only to immediately cut to Batman, of all people, calling it, and the chaos of half of the Batfam throwing themselves across the room to make it to safety.

There was no posting schedule anymore, things just got posted the second Oracle was done editing it, and seeing as she was a computer genius, things got posted pretty fast.

Comments:

“A QUARANTINI OMG I STAN”

“If it weren’t for the height, I’d think that was actually the real spoiler omg”

“BATMAN CALLED IT”

“I think we need a Nightwing is a cat? Cucumber test”

“Is RR still asleep?”

“Yes, hood crushed him when he landed”

“ooooooof”

“I feel like you can separate the family based on their reactions to the floor is lava being called cuz like, some of them are chill, some of them do overly dramatic things to get to safety, others are asleep the entire time, and some of them do whatever is necessary to be safe.”

“we need a batfam alignment chart is what your saying”

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does your keyboard ever rebel and make writing shit difficult? Cause that’s what’s happening for me rn and I’m very annoyed. 
> 
> Anyways, next up we get some Jason and Tim bonding time (but Tim is asleep through 90% of it) and some Steph and Dami bonding time cause why the fuck not? This entire fic is just me making the batfam love each other + memes so I do what i want.


	37. Ah, so the beast awakens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s worth mentioning that Tim says one line in this chapter and that one line was legitimately said to me at 3 AM at a sleepover years ago by one of my friends, and I couldn’t resist putting it in.   
> Also warning: kittens (it’s not a bad thing, just be prepared for cuteness)

It was decided that Robin and Spoiler would go out on patrol together that night, which was bound to bring back some interesting footage. It was also decided that past midnight up until sunrise, blankets and mattresses would not be considered safe zones, only so that they could call it in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping, just to see who doesn’t wake up. However, calling it at that time also meant that everyone had a maximum of 15 seconds to get to safety instead of five.

In the meantime, Alfred and Babs had set up a projector like Jason had suggested, and now the rest of the batfam, Tim excluded, crowded around it in a mass of blankets and pillows, watching the Lord of the Rings, one of the movies Duke had brought over.

Okay, lets be honest, Duke had brought ALL of the Lord of the Rings and they were binge watching all of them.

It was currently about 2 AM, meaning Robin and Spoiler were bound to return soon.

Right as the credits started to roll on the first movie, and Duke moved to play the second one, Red Robin awoke from his nap.

He stood, walking towards the bathroom in a sort of trance, but he stopped when he accidentally ran into Jason’s lawn chair that had been moved to the side of the cave. Everyone turned to see Red Robin, eyes wide under his domino mask, staring in confusion at the plastic chair. He looked to them, “I have the desire to pee.” He announced, making eye contact with each of them before returning to his trek towards the bathroom.

“What?” Duke asked quietly.

“You heard him, he has the desire to pee.” Jason replied, looking back towards the screen.

“Was he even awake?” Babs asked.

“Probably not,” Bruce replied.

“Do— Do we post that?” Duke asked again, looking between the family and where Tim had disappeared into the bathroom.

Nightwing laughed, “Yes, yes we do.”

* * *

Comments:

“Moooood”

“I wonder if he announces things like this all the time”

“Yeah. Hood seemed like this is normal”

“He looks like lawn chairs are a new discovery?”

“Is...is RR ok???”

“I too have the desire to pee”

“That is the only way I will ever say I’m going to the bathroom anymore”

* * *

When Robin and Spoiler returned, they were carrying three kittens. Damian was only holding one, and looked like he really wanted the others, but was forced to stay in character and let Steph as Robin hold the other two. They walked in the middle of the second Lord of the Rings movie, and Tim was curled up not on the bed, but at Jason’s side, though it was clear he’d fallen back asleep. Everyone else was wide awake though, watching the movie.

Steph and Damian glanced at each other. Patrol had been quiet, and they’d gone separate ways the entire time, only occasionally checking in on each other via comms, because frankly neither of them wanted to pretend to be the other the entire time. It wasn’t until Spoiler, aka Damian, had called over the comms that he’d found kittens and needed Robin’s backup that they’d met up again.

With that glance they decided to sneak upstairs and get the kittens some food and water.

“Hey you two,” Nightwing called. “How was patrol?”

“Good,” Spoiler replied, mimicking Steph’s voice again. “We’re both hungry so we’re gonna get some food.”

“You guys didn’t fight?”

“Tt, as if I allowed Spoiler to be anywhere near my presence.”

There were a few chuckles before the attention of everyone else went back to the movie. “Should I call it?” Damian whispered, breaking character.

“Nah, Tim looks too peaceful.” Steph replied.

“Tt,” Damian grunted, “That’s hardly an excuse.”

“I mean, they all look peaceful.” Steph replied, gesturing to the family, curled amongst their blankets with half lidded eyes.

“Tt, that is true. We shall let them be for now.” Damian replied before continuing their trek upstairs.

They happily took care of the kittens and informed Alfred about them, who agreed to check in on them occasionally, and though there was fondness in his voice, he seemed exasperated by the fact that there were now three more cats in the house.

“Can we name this one Fish?” Steph asked, holding up the one with cream colored fur and orange splotches.

“That’s a terrible name for a cat.” He replied.

“That wasn’t a no.”

“Tt,” Damian looked down to the kitten he was currently petting, its dark grey fur was soft and it had beautiful amber eyes that were currently looking at him in curiosity.

“I mean, look this cat in the eyes and tell me it’s not a Fish.” Steph said.

Damian looked, and he had to admit, the name fit. “Fish it is then.”

“Yes!” Steph cheered, triumphant. She looked down at the kitten Damian was petting, “What are you going to name that one?”

Damian hummed, rubbing the spot behind it’s ear and feel the vibrations of its purr. “I’m not sure.”

“Then do we have any ideas for this cutie?” Steph asked, picking up the kitten that was currently walking circles around them, its cream colored fur was mottled with orange and dark grey splotches, making it a very pretty kitty. “I’m thinking candy corn.”

“Absolutely not.” Damian replied. “That is a Jaylah.”

“Jaylah?”

“Yes, look at her.”

Steph considered it. “Official name: Jaylah. Nickname: Candy Corn.”

Damian huffed and turned back to the kitten in his lap, but didn’t say anything further. Steph took it as a win.

“Why not lava or ashy? You know, to commemorate this week.”

“Ash would be acceptable, but I don’t think it fits.” Damian replied, looking the cat in the eyes, trying to find the right name for it. Fish and this kitten were both boys while Jaylah was the only female, and it seemed they were all siblings, but none of that helped him pick a name.

He stared further,

“How about Nico? Or Dorian?”

Damian paused, looking up at Steph. “Where did you get those names from?”

She shrugged, “My head, they sound cool.”

Damian looked down at the kitten in his lap, “Nico stems from the Greek name _Nikodemos_ , meaning victory of the people. Dorian also stems from a Greek name, _Doros_ , I believe. It means gift.”

Steph tilted her head to the side, “How do you even know that?”

“I studied Greek mythology.” Damian replied, looking the kitten in the eye once again. “What do you think? Nico or Dorian?”

The cat purred. “Dorian it is.”

Steph blinked in bewilderment, “Why... how? You know what, I don’t want to know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Jason and Tim being bros


	38. 5AM Wake Up Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just Jay and Tim being brothers in an adorable way. Tho I’m pretty sure that out of the entire fam, they are the most chaotic team up and Bruce probably has a sticky note on his bathroom mirror saying “Don’t pair Jason and Tim together for anything” (not that he listens to his own advice)

It was five in the morning when he heard it.

“THE FLOOR IS LAVA!!!!” Yelled by one Damian Wayne, still adorning Spoiler’s voice and costume, standing atop the Batcomputer.

“Fuck fuck fuck,” Jason chanted, rolling out of his bed as fast as he could. Shit, Tim was still out. “Fuck fuck fuck _FUCK_ ” He screamed, well aware that he had maybe ten seconds left. “TiM!” He yelled, hoisting his brother on his shoulders and booking it to the nearest safe place, which was the Batmobile.

He’d been mentally counting and knew that he’d cut it close, with only three seconds left, but he’d saved Tim and himself from Damian’s punishment, so he considered that a win.

He looked around the cave to see Steph, in the Robin suit, clinging onto Dick’s hammock by three fingers, trying her best to swing the rest of her body up there, but failing miserably. Dick, who had fallen out of the hammock when Damian had called it, was currently sprinting across the cave, only to reach the 14 second mark and launch himself through the air towards the closest thing that wasn’t the ground. That thing happened to be the salmon ladder, which was on the seventh rung, but somehow, Dick made it, wrapping his legs over the bar and breathing out a heavy sigh of relief. Cass was standing a top Bruce’s chair but the thing was still spinning, and if it were anyone other than her or Dick, they would have fallen off by now. Duke, the poor child, had woken up fully at the ten second mark, and was looking around frantically for the next three seconds, only to sprint to the closest railing and latch on to it like a leech.

But, everyone was safe. Barely.

Atop Jason’s broad shoulders, Tim was stirring. “Whatttt???”

“Don’t worry Replacement,” Jason patted his head. “I gotchu.”

Tim hummed, “Thanks Jay, you’re the best.”

“Damn right,” Jason replied, watching as Damian waited for Steph to fall from her safe zone before calling it safe. But, after ten seconds passed, and Steph still clinging on by three fingers, he had to call it safe anyways.

And so the second day had begun, at five in the goddamn morning.

* * *

Comments:

“Omg what fuckin time is it”

“True chaos”

“Red Hood carrying RR to safety like a true brother, we stan”

“idk man, if it were my brother I’d let him die in the lava”

“rh is clearly following the ganging up against the third sibling rule”

“oh right, that’s an important exception”

“HOW DID NIGHTWING DO THAT”

“he’s a cat, we just need the cucumber test to prove it”

“Ooooof poor signal, i too take forever to wake up”

“This whole spoiler and robin switching suits thing is a trip man”

* * *

Jason decided that he and Tim would be safer just spending the rest of the night/morning/ungodly hour of the day sleeping on top of the Batmobile where they’d be safe no matter what, so instead of returning to his bed, he grabbed a few pillows and blankets and placed them on the roof of the Batmobile.

Tim was still in that odd state of half awake half asleep where his eyes were closed but his brain was functioning. “How long have I been asleep?” He asked, curling into the pillow Jason had just thrown at his head. Look, he could be a nice brother, letting Tim stay with him and stuff, but he wasn’t about to be Dick’s level of caring.

“You missed the entire first day.” Jason told him, sitting down next to Tim and starting to arrange a few of the pillows so that the armored plating of the Batmobile didn’t stab him in the back.

“Oof,” Tim replied. “Was I safe the entire time?”

Jason hummed, confirming that he was, before deciding that the pillows were as good as they were gonna get. “Except when Damian called it just now, but I carried you up here so you’re still safe.”

He laid down, which meant he could see the small smile on Tim’s face between the cracks in the pillows. Jason huffed a laugh, “Though you completely missed Bruce knocking the demon spawn over to use as an island.”

Tim’s eyes snapped open, “What?”

“Yeah, it was hilarious. It’s already been posted, we can watch it in the morning.”

“That sounds fucking amazing,” Tim replied, closing his eyes and shifting in the blankets. “Hey Jay?”

“Hm?”

“Why are we on top of the Batmobile and not, ya know, sitting inside?”

Jason shrugged, “Cause I didn’t have the time to wait for the doors to open.”

“Fair.”

And then they were back asleep, curled on top of the Batmobile where Alfred definitely wouldn’t be taking a picture of them so he could frame it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Tim having a good day? Perhaps?


	39. Skateboarding Tim Makes Me Happy So Here Ya Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not gonna read through this and edit it sorry not sorry maybe one day I’ll come back to see if I made any grammar mistakes but today is not that day
> 
> ALSOOOOOO [@smarzupial](https://www.instagram.com/smarzupial/?hl=en) on Instagram gave us (read: me) some pretty fucking amazing fan art of the toast chapter and I fucking adore it, you guys gotta go check it out.

When Tim woke up next, he was awake. Fuck, he didn’t even feel like he needed coffee (though that wasn’t going to stop him from getting some anyways). Everything was bright in the way that only a well-rested person experiences the world and to be honest, this was such a rare occurrence for Tim that he decided, fuck it, let’s experience the shit out of this.

So he ran up to his room, grabbed his skateboard, ran to the kitchen, made some coffee, and ran back down to the cave, practiced motions keeping his coffee from spilling.

Down in the cave, everyone was still asleep. It was 6:30 in the morning after all, and Tim vaguely remembered the family being up all night watching the Lord of the Rings and Steph calling it at 5 AM.

...or had that been Damian?

Fuck he didn’t know. He’d find out when he watched the video.

Speaking of videos, Tim was pretty sure he’d missed a lot yesterday and would have to catch up by binge watching all of the tik toks posted yesterday. Not that he cared, cause he’d had one crazy vivid dream about him being some dumbass hero by the name of Drake who wore a ugly brown suit instead of his normal black and red and to be fair, the entire concept was so disgustingly hilarious to Tim that he’d go back to that dream in an instant just so he could mock himself for thinking that “Drake” is a proper code name.

Tim chuckled, remembering that one time on patrol Duke had asked why Tim called himself Red Robin if robins are already red.

“It’s for the aesthetic.”

“Well your aesthetic sucks.”

Ohhh if only Duke could’ve seen the Drake suit that Tim’s sleep deprived mind had dreamt up.

Tim placed his skateboard down and started rolling leisurely across the cave to start, just barely moving, not really trying anything difficult, just pushing leisurely off the ground with one foot and getting a feel for the board again. Wow, it had been ages since he’d gotten to skateboard, had it it? He let a small smile cross his face as he sped up, feeling almost at peace.

Tim looked at the wheelchair ramp Bruce had installed so the Cave was wheelchair accessible, and rolled down it casually, letting gravity do all the work for him. Part of him wanted to let out a whoop of glee at the feeling of rolling down the ramp at probably dangerous speeds, the other part wanted to savor it, to enjoy it in silence, an experience limited to him.

Tim grinned, an tried a few tricks, happy to find that he landed each one. He did a kick turn, and continued to skate around the cave. He could tell that all the noise his board was making had woken some of his family up, but he didn’t care. A few kick flips later, Tim found himself sprinting to the top of the staircase in the Cave, just so he could fly down it and do a few air tricks while he was at it.

It was probably a bad idea for him to try and do a double backflip while he was in mid-air, especially while riding a skateboard in which one typically doesn’t do backflips, but you know what? At this point in his life he had nothing to loose. So he twisted his body into the position he needed for the flip as fast as he could and—

“YES!” He yelled, landing it. He could feel the pressure on his knees from landing to hard but goddamn it felt good. And he knew, oh he knew, that that looked sick af.

Only once he came down from the euphoria of having caught that much air and actually landed the trick did he hear the excited clapping coming from his family. He turned, seeing Dick’s broad smile and Cass’ curious gaze.

...good thing he’d landed that. If he hadn’t, he probably wouldn’t have heard the end of it, especially not from Jason, who was holding his hand out for a high five, leaning over the side of the Batmobile to reach for him. Tim sped up, noting the feeling of his own grin on his face (he was pretty sure he couldn’t get rid of it even if he tried) and high fived his brother, the sound of the smack of their hands louder than his own racing heart.

Oh yeah, today was a good day.

“THE FLOOR IS LAVA!” He yelled, and heard Dick’s clapping stop immediately as the entire family raced for safety.

Dick had been standing with Damian, who was inexplicably wearing Steph’s suit (??), in the middle of the cave where they had the best view of Tim having the time of his life, and Tim chuckled as he watched the both of them have to decide a direction to go because frankly there wasn’t a good choice, everything was equally far away from safety. The general consensus was that there was nowhere they could reach in time, so Damian did the natural thing, and climbed on top of Dick’s shoulders. Tim knew by the count in his head that Dick wouldn’t make it to safety before time was up. One down.

Jason was still safe on top of the Batmobile, but Tim already knew that. Cass and Steph were now lounging on top of a display case, and Duke was... Clinging to Batman as Bruce used a grappling hook that was sitting nearby to hang five feet below the rocky ceiling of the cave, where he was undoubtedly safe from the lava.

“Safe,” Tim called, before jumping up onto the railing and sliding down it on his board. “Nightwing, I’ll decide your punishment later.”

He did quick ollie as he heard Nightwing’s sigh of defeat, “okay.”

* * *

Comments:

“Bro that was metal”

“Tony Hawk is shaking in his boots”

“New conspiracy theory: Red Robin IS Tony Hawk”

“Noooo not pretty boi”

“Just saying, the broship between the two Red’s gives me life”

“Signal omg”

“Bro I’ve been skateboarding for years and haven’t been able to do half the shit RR just pulled off”

“To be fair, RR is a vigilante who fights criminals in his free time, so comparing yourself to him maybe isn’t the best idea”

“Yeah, but like, I’m jealous, where do you learn that shit”

“idk bruh, Batman?”

“that suggests Batman can skateboard”

“yes yes it does”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: one hella crazy Jay chapter


	40. *sigh* jay...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is straight crack that I came up with while FaceTiming my friend at 1 AM, enjoy

The next tik tok posted was very confusing.

Very, very confusing.

It showed Red Hood, leaning up against a shadowed wall in the batcave, helmet and his signature leather jacket on, though there was something off about his appearance.

What was off you ask? Well, along with his normal outfit was a bright pink tutu, wrapped around his waist, fitting surprisingly well around his hips, and a black t-shirt with white lettering replacing his typical body armor. The shirt clung to his muscles better than his body armor, not leaving much to the imagination as far as how ripped he was.

What did the shirt say, you ask? Well, nothing other than “DADDY ISSUES”

Naturally. What else would it say?

He was leaning casually against the wall, a crowbar and cloth in hand, seeming to be polishing the iron bar with the gentle grace of a samurai post battle, while he hummed a tune. Most of the notes were high, way higher than a man with his already proven deep baritone range should be able to reach, but the tune was unmistakable to anyone cultured enough to recognize it.

The Barbie Girl theme song.

There was no explanation for why he was like this, seeing as he had yet to lose a round of the Floor is Lava, but perhaps this was just his style?

But then his humming broke off and he looked straight into the camera, the whites of his helmet glinting in what little light there was. His voice was bored almost, but a sort of flat humor coated his slowly spoken words, “Sometimes people ask if being tortured by the Joker for months and then killed in a fiery explosion is what turned me into the person I am today, and the answer is yes. Without him I would be nothing. Without him, I would have lived. And that means no one would laugh uncomfortably when I make a joke about my own death. And that is a life I refuse live.”

* * *

Comment:

“Sorry what?”


	41. Which Batfam Tik Tok Are You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe...

The day had been hectic to say the least. Tim had caught up on everything he’d missed via the tik toks, he also had yet to punish Nightwing for losing that morning, and in the meantime the floor is lava had been called a total of three other times that day. Which was kinda surprising, usually it was called a minimum of 8 times a day. Not that there had been many opportunities to call it... seeing as the entire family barely moved from their spots near the back wall where they were binge watching the Lord of the Rings and then Harry Potter. Tim had missed the first two LotR movies, which kinda sucked, but he knew the plot so he didn’t care. It was the Harry Potter movies he cared about anyways.

The funny thing was listening to Jason mutter the details that are wrong in each movie, completely from memory.

“Hey Jay?” He asked quietly as Dick dragged Damian and Cass upstairs to make the entire family hot chocolate to enjoy before they started the Order of the Phoenix.

“Hm?” Jason asked, arm slung over his face which was still adorned with a domino mask despite the fact that Jason was otherwise wearing Wonder Woman sweatpants and his Daddy Issues shirt. Speaking of that shirt, Tim had been scrolling through his camera roll and had found a clip of Jason in that shirt and a tutu that he’d taken months ago on one of the rare nights Jason was home and the two of them got to mess around in the cave. He’d posted it and it was pretty great...

“When was the last time you read the books?” Tim asked casually, pulling up the tumblr app on his phone as he did so.

He glanced to the side in time to see Jason’s slight frown, “I guess before I died.”

That caught Tim’s interest. “Then how do you remember all the details that the movies got wrong?”

Jason shrugged, “I’m pretty sure I read the books enough to quote them from memory. They were some of my favorites.”

“Damn.” Tim replied, and glanced down to his phone to see a link to a personality quiz. Eh, why not, right? The title read, “Which Batfam Tik Tok are you?”

This was sure to be interesting. The date of the quiz said it was made today, which meant there were a lot of tik toks to choose from.

He clicked through the questions, mostly answering with whatever answer called to him first instead of thinking deeply about any of them.

Then he got to the lyric question, cause what good personality quiz wouldn’t have a question asking him to choose which lyric he related to most.

He glanced through the song titles first, realizing he recognized most of them. Turning Out by AJR, Victorious by P!atD, Boss Bitch by Doja Cat, Dogs Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine, Dancing Queen by ABBA, Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cindy Lauper, Welcome to the Black Parade by MCR (he knew which one Jason would have chosen), Bad Blood by Taylor Swift, and Not Today by twenty one pilots.

Two of the songs called to him, but it was the lyrics in the second one that had him clicking it.

_“I don't know why, I just feel I'm better off,_

_Staying in the same room I was born in,_

_I look outside, and see a whole world better off,_

_Without me in it trying to transform it.”_

He moved on, trying to ignore the fact that his lyric choice was probably kinda depressing. Not that the other one would have been any better... Turning Out wasn’t exactly a happy song. But eh, he was a depressed person, it was only right.

He clicked through a few more questions, and found the last question to bring a smile to his face. “Which Batfam member do you relate to the most?”

Tim clicked himself, obviously, but part of his wanted to click someone else just cause.

The results loaded and...

“You are the ‘Playing Jenga on Red Robin’s Head’ Tik Tok.”

Tim laughed, causing the few heads in the room to turn. He held up his finger, saying that he’d explain in a moment, and read the description further down.

“You’re probably a slightly chaotic person with a sleepy streak. You probably spend hours at a time doing an incredibly tedious task and you probably waste away your days in quarantine by watching the Batfam tik tok account cause you’re a depressed bitch with no other output in life. You probably like the color black, not because you’re emo (tho you probably are), but because you actually find it aesthetically pleasing. You claim to have your life together, but in reality, one metaphorical shift of RR’s sleeping head could bring your entire world crumpling down. Enjoy your victory while you can.”

Tim was cackling. The description was so ominous and accurate at the same time that he didn’t know what else to do other than laugh hysterically.

He quickly sent the link to the quiz to his family members, a gleeful grin on his face as his stomach hurt from laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The quiz exists by the way](https://uquiz.com/f5GSQ0)


	42. Happy Death Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah! It’s April 27th, do you guys know what that means? (If you bothered to read the chapter title, then you probably have an idea). It’s Jason’s death-iversary! And had I found out about this not two minutes before I was going to post, man I would have written a full chapter for it cause ya know, ya only die once (im sorry I have a terrible sense of humor plz ignore me) so anyways, here’s a lil head canon for it instead:  
> I’d like to imagine that on the wonderful day of April 27th, Alfred makes Jason a black cake with black icing and they all sit around Jason’s grave and eat it while reciting vines and also referencing all of the trends that Jason missed. Jason probably stabs Tim at the end and runs away screaming “IM GONNA GO BECOME A CRIME LORD NOW, BYE BITCHES!” It’s Jason’s favorite holiday.

Dick, Damian, and Cass had all returned from the kitchen watch with several mugs of hot chocolate in hand, and as tempted as Jason was to call it at that moment, he really wanted that hot chocolate, so he held his tongue and went back to the book he was reading on his phone, which was a murder mystery that was actually well written enough to be recommended to him by Bruce.

“Okay, okay.” Dick spoke up, “So you’re telling me, that you’ve never had s’mores before.”

Jason looked up, who in the world hasn’t had s’mores before.

“Tt, of course not. Treats like that are beneath me.” Damian said, crossing his arms. Dick clearly wasn’t convinced.

“That’s it, after this movie we’re going to get some logs or something and make a campfire and have s’mores.”

“It’s raining out.” Bruce pointed out. Dick frowned and then shrugged.

“I guess we’ll have to do it inside then.”

Jason’s immediate thought was, okay cool we’ll just use the stove in the kitchen. They won’t have the smoky flavor, but it’ll still be s’mores.

That’s apparently not what Dick was thinking. You’d think the whole vigilante AND a cop thing would make him smart, but apparently all of his braincells went into that and none into common sense.

...........that actually explains a lot.

“Come on, Dami. You and I can go get some wood and we’ll make a campfire in the cave so you can have some s’mores.”

Bruce, poor Bruce, spluttered for a moment too long, because by the time he’d regained his composure enough to say, “No that’s a bad idea,” Dick had already dragged Damian halfway across the cave.

* * *

Jason didn’t know how he ended up being dragged away from the comforts of the pillows and blankets by one Stephanie Brown (back in her Spoiler suit, by the way), but he did, and he wasn’t very happy about it. She was saying something about “needing marshmallows” and “Jason was the only one Alfred allowed in the kitchen anymore” and really Jason was too busy thinking about that damn plot twist to care.

* * *

Tim, Duke, and Bruce were the only three left down in the cave, after Steph had dragged Jason away, and Cass had decided to go find a fireproof blanket so they wouldn’t burn the cave down with the fire (not that rocks could burn?? But okay, it was probably a good idea anyways.)

“Hey Bats?” Tim asked, stretching out across the blankets that Jason had previously been hoarding. “How long do you think we’ll be in quarantine for?”

Batman shrugged, “Could be 3 or 4.”

Tim and Duke made eye contact, equally confused. “3 or 4 what?” Duke asked, “Days? Weeks? Months?”

Batman shrugged again, not looking up from the file he was currently writing in. “Maybe 5.”

* * *

Cass laid out the fire proof blanket quietly in the middle of the cave where there was nothing nearby that could catch aflame. Then, she started to place the other fireproof materials around the fire (at a safe distance) so they’d have somewhere comfortable to sit.

Cass wasn’t going to say it aloud, or in sign language, but she’d also never had s’mores before. In fact, she’d never really spent this much time with her family at all. She was loving it, but she wasn’t sure they realized how special this all was to her. And that’s why she continued to set up a place for the campfire, because she wanted to spend time with her family.

She loved her family.

* * *

Nightwing and Robin returned inside, their arms full of firewood, and their bodies completely soaked through from the torrential downpour that was apparently happening outside.

“You guys do know that the firewood won’t burn since it’s wet, right?” Duke spoke up from his place in the blanket mass.

Nightwing only laughed, “As if that will stop us.”

And somehow it didn’t. Because ten minutes and one very suspicious looking piece of technology later, there was a toasty campfire set up in the middle of the cave.

Batman was shaking his head, “Suddenly I’m very glad for installing the venting system needed to actually have a fire indoors.”

Red Hood scoffed, and in his hands were two large bags of marshmallows. It’s worth mention that he was also carrying Spoiler on his back, piggy back style, as she held onto the graham crackers and chocolate. “I can’t believe they actually managed to set that wood on fire without blowing us all up first.”

Oracle, who had previously been upstairs with Alfred, was now rolling beside him as they walked towards the campfire. “I’m just glad that Dick and Damian are having fun. Seems like Cass is too.”

And she was right, because Damian had pulled out a small ukulele and was strumming a rhythm while Dick danced with Cass around the fire, bright smiles on all of their faces.

Bruce was suddenly very glad for the cameras installed in the suits, because he’d definitely need to keep this memory forever. Tim walked up beside him, intertwining his arm with Bruce’s while his other hand held a mug of hot chocolate. It wasn’t something he did often, but Bruce had figured out that it was Tim’s casual way of saying “I love you.”

All of his children had different ways of saying it, hell even Bruce had his own way, but he would be dammed if he didn’t pick up when his children were saying something, even if they weren’t actually verbally saying it.

Dick was the type to scream “I LOVE YOU BRUCE” down the staircase right before he attempts a back handspring down the railing. Jason just showing up was enough to tell Bruce that he loved him, but seeing as Bruce had jokingly given Jason his “Daddy Issues” shirt and Jason wore it constantly, Bruce didn’t need any further confirmation of his son’s love. Tim said “I love you” by intertwining their arms and walking silently, or staying up all night together working a case. Cass said it in sign language, putting her thumb, index finger, and pinky finger out while the other two remained tucked in, but also in her small smiles and her dances. Damian said it in the way he possessively claimed to be the “one true heir” or the way he would look to Bruce for approval and praise at even the tiniest of actions. And, unless the action was fighting with his siblings, Bruce would always give it to him.

So, with Tim’s arm casually intertwined with his, Bruce said “I love you” in his own way, by reaching up and ruffling Tim’s hair and giving him a small smile. Tim’s eyes gleamed, and whether it was from happiness or the glow of the fire, Bruce wasn’t sure, but he was willing to bet it was the former.

Of course, there were his other “children” to think about. Duke was legally Bruce’s child, but they were still working up to the “I love you” stage of things. But still, Bruce saw it in the way Duke would hang back with him occasionally, or actually listen to what Bruce had to say before making his own decisions. Stephanie would say it by breaking into his house late at night and stealing all their waffles. Barbara would say it by checking in on him while he’s on patrol and by helping out with some technology stuff, even though they both knew he didn’t really need it.

Then there was Alfred. Alfred says “I love you” in everything he does. From his tea to the sarcastic remarks he makes, Alfred was a sweet and loyal as anyone could be. Bruce didn’t need to Alfred to say “I love you” outright, because Alfred had raised him. Alfred cared for him when no one else could. Alfred patched him up and gave him warm chocolate chip cookies and turned off all the lights when Bruce fell asleep without meaning to. Alfred might as well be the definition of love.

“Hey, Tim.” Bruce spoke quietly to his son. “Why don’t you run upstairs and tell Alfred to join us around the fire. He should be here too.”

Tim grinned, detaching himself from Bruce’s side, “Ok, be right back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point I don’t even know how long this fic will be, like, the stay at home order has been lifted where I am but like, I’m still not leaving my house?? So I guess the quarantine fic will end when I finally reenter the world? Or run out of ideas? Or maybe never? Who knows??? Not me.


	43. The marshmallows have turned this entirely into fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again with yet another chapter. I don’t know how I’ve managed to actually keep up with a daily updating schedule??? But okay *shrugs* It’s like what, day 43 or something of quarantine, which is highly depressing, but this chapter is Fluffy enough to make it all better, so enjoy my bitches

The entire family crowded around the indoor campfire which was probably a dangerous thing to have, but seeing as there were way too many fireproof blankets around for anything to catch fire, they didn’t worry too much.

Tim sat next to Duke and Jason. Duke, who had grabbed one of Batman’s extra capes and currently had it wrapped around his shoulders as he fumbled with the marshmallow and skewer in his hands. Jason, who had yet to take off his Daddy Issues shirt, was currently sticking a jumbo marshmallow to the pointy end of his crowbar. Tim was still sipping his hot chocolate, but had every intention of making at least five s’mores before they put the fire out.

Cass sat on the other side of Duke, and Bruce was next to her, quietly explaining how s’mores work and that she can toast her marshmallow anyway she wants. Alfred sat on the other side of Bruce, quietly conversing with Babs as they both quietly drank tea and nibbled on some of the chocolate that had been brought down. Steph was next and she was currently sticking an Eggo waffle to the end of her stick, along with several marshmallows. Tim raised an eyebrow as she stuffed it full forces into the fire, causing the entire concoction to catch aflame. She just watched it, tapping her finger against the skewer, as if timing how long it would take to reach ideal burntness. Damian sat on the other side of her, listening to Dick’s explanation on the glory of s’mores, though the expression on his face suggested that he’d rather start making the s’mores than listen to why the combination of graham, marshmallow, and chocolate was a revolutionary idea. There was a cute grey kitten curled in his lap that Tim was pretty sure he hadn’t seen around before.

All in all, they were actually acting like a family for once. Part of Tim wanted to call it, but the other part knew better because someone would probably panic and try and call the fire pit a safe place. Ya know, as their costume catches on fire.

Jason stuck his crowbar into the flame at the same time he handed Tim his phone. Tim took it and traded his phone with him so Jason could see the tik tok currently playing on it. The screen showed a quiz result, more specifically, a quiz result from the one Tim had sent. “You are: Y E E T”

“You’re a chaotic soul.

That’s it. You’ve probably tried parkour or some shit and quote vines on the daily. There’s no other way to describe you other than utter chaos. You are a hurricane of a human being.”

Tim laughed, “Well it’s not wrong.”

Jason shook his head, “Nope. Also did you actually watch this one yet?”

Tim leaned over, “Uh nope.”

“Can I turn on the sound?”

“Go for it.”

Jason clicked the volume button a few times and—

“MISS YOU HAVE TO STOP DROP AND ROLL!”

Well that caught the attention of the family. And Tim, despite knowing the fact that this person was on fire, was laughing his ass off because you don’t just, yell that, at someone who’s literally on fire. Like nooooo.

Dick, Steph, and Duke had all leaned over to watch the video too, and he could see the exact moment on all of their faces when they realized that they shouldn’t be laughing cause being on fire is a very serious problem, but oh my g o d.

“Perhaps we should do a fire safety tik tok,” Damian stated, nonchalantly. “You know, so no one tries to make fires inside.”

“Like us?” Duke asked, returning his attention to the skewer in his hand. He placed it above the fire and Tim had that moment of, oh, he’s one of those. Ya know, the kind that roast it incredibly slowly and spend like fifteen minutes on one marshmallow.

Tim was somewhere in between Steph and Duke. He didn’t want his marshmallow to be blackened on all sides, but he didn’t really mind a little charredness to it. Jason on the other hand, was using some of the embers off to the side to careful brown his marshmallow. Tim suddenly remembered that Jason, the man cooking his marshmallows using a crowbar, is the same guy who once decided to wake Tim up at four AM to teach him how to make the perfect soufflé pancakes. And yes, they were perfect. And no, Tim didn’t remember a single thing about soufflé pancakes other than the process was incredibly tedious.

Jason was the chef here, okay? Tim would like to stick to his disastrous drink concoctions, thank you very much.

Cass and Bruce had been very slowly roasting the perfect s’mores this entire time, and Tim watched out of the corner of his eye as Cass mashed her marshmallow, chocolate, and graham crackers together and bit into the way-too-perfect-looking-s’more. Her eyes lit up with glee as she registered the taste, and Tim saw the small smile on Bruce’s face as he realized that she liked it.

Tim set his mug aside and got up, grabbing Damian’s ukulele that had been set aside and also a marshmallow. He stuffed the marshmallow in his mouth as he walked back to his spot between Duke and Jason.

It was clear that he’d caught most everyone’s attention, specifically Damian’s, who was glaring at him harshly, but not saying anything. Waiting, Tim realized.

You see, Damian was the musically inclined one of the family. Tim had heard him play the violin, piano, and a clarinet once. Also he had the ukulele that Babs had gotten him last year for his birthday. But Tim was the idiot with too much time on his hands, and who definitely hadn’t stayed up enough nights watching YouTube tutorials to know how to play a few songs from memory.

That would be ridiculous and a complete waste of time.

He swallowed the marshmallow and got comfortable, strumming the ukulele a bit. He could see the way Damian’s glare changed from “what the fuck does he think he’s doing” to “Wow, he has no idea what he’s doing.” But that was the thing, Tim actually knew what he was doing for once.

With fingers that definitely haven’t practiced this before on this exact ukulele, Tim began strumming out the notes to Riptide by Vance Joy, because that was his favorite song to play on the ukulele. Except maybe Can’t Help Falling in Love (Yes, the Elvis song. Sue him, it was a good damn song okay?). Tim hummed the lyrics, but honestly didn’t believe in his voice enough to actually sing.

But luckily, Jason had him covered, casually picking up the song with his deep baritone voice that shouldn’t have fit the song, but somehow it did?

Tim looked up for a second to see the shock on Damian’s face, before returning to the notes. It’s not like it was a particularly hard song, but it was fast, and Tim really was trying his best not to mess up.

Jason, however, was probably incapable of messing up because his voice was just too damn perfect—

If Tim ever lost all of his pride one day, he might actually ask Jason to teach him how to sing. But seeing as he still had some pride, though it wasn’t much, he would not be doing that anytime soon.

And for a moment, as Cass bit into her s’more and Steph poured syrup over her sweet yet charred monstrosity of a dessert, as Jason sang in his deep baritone voice and Dick swayed next to him, feet tapping out a rhythm, as Tim strummed the ukulele and Damian pet the kitten in his lap, trying to hide the proud expression on his face, as Alfred smiled at his family and Duke closed his eyes, listening to the music and the crackles of the fire, as Babs locked eyes with Bruce and they both realized that there was nowhere else they’d rather be. Everything was perfect. It was this moment that they’d all treasure for years to come, because it was absolutely perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so that was a lot of fluff. Also, I’m 90% sure that I’m slowly reaching Tim levels of sleep deprivation... like I ran face first into a wall this morning and I just sorta stared at the wall before taking like, one step to the side and continuing on my journey.   
> I also took the time yesterday at three AM to read a very angsty batfam fic so if I end up writing an angsty chapter, that’s why, I’m still dealing with those vibes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get breakfast (is it past noon already? Yes. Do i care? No).


	44. Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah! What’s this? The author went to bed early last night??? And got sleep??? And made breakfast before posting??? Whaaaaaaat?!
> 
> Anyways, I avoided running into any walls today, so I’m taking that as a win. In the meantime, here’s some more brotherly bonding time for Tim and Jay cause I love that shit and I keep seeing a post about the two of the being the most chaotic duo ever so here we are

Jason and Tim had come to something of a silent agreement, a truce between them, almost.

In the hours around when most everyone had fallen asleep or returned to the house (in Bruce, Alfred, and Babs’ cases), Jason and Tim had stayed up. Tim, because all he did was constantly pull all nighters until he crashed, and Jason because he was reading yet another book and seemed to be determined to finish it before he went to sleep. Timwas sitting on the floor, with his back leaned up against the mattress with his laptop in his lap and legs covered in the blankets that made up his sleeping spot (which he hadn’t gotten to use until now), while Jason was laid across the mattress, reading intensely.

Or so Tim thought.

“Hey, Replacement. Get up.”

“What?” Tim asked, already getting up.

“I want to move the mattress over to the Batmobile.” Jason stated, rolling off the mattress.

“Why?”

“Cause I’d rather be close to the Batmobile for safety rather than having to sprint halfway across the cave carrying your skinny ass on my shoulders at five in the goddamn morning.” Jason huffed out. “Now help me move this over there.”

Tim shrugged and set his laptop aside, before leaning down to pick up the mattress.

Once it was in place, Tim immediately noticed something. “It’s cold over here.”

“Yeah.” Jason said. “You wanna abandon your separate sleeping place on the floor and share blankets? Besides, it’s not like you haven’t already been sleeping on my mattress anyways.”

Tim crossed his arms, glaring at Jason through the darkness of the cave. “First off, I was unconscious. I did not put myself on that mattress. And second off, I honestly don’t trust you to not take all of the blankets.”

Jason smacked him across the head. “Bitch.”

Tim chuckled. “As long as you don’t take all of the blankets, we’re good. And you have to deal with the fact that I don’t sleep.”

Jason rolled his eyes, “Tranquilizer darts exist for a reason.”

“Yeahhhh,” Tim drawled, “but if you tranq me then you’ll have to carry me each time it’s called.”

“I don’t have to do anything for you.” Jason huffed, though he was already moving across the cave to get to Tim’s blankets.

Tim chuckled, “No, but I’ve always helped you with your computer stuff and have spent more than enough nights working one of your cases. I’d say you owe me.”

“I don’t own you anything. Especially not during the floor is lava week.”

“Okay, okay, that’s fair. But do you want me to help you in the future? Or worse, you saw Damian’s haunted face during the Duckening. Do you really want me to turn that on you?”

He smirked when he saw Jason’s slight shiver, “Whatever, Replacement. Just get the rest of the damn blankets. I’m taking the left side, and don’t you dare get all snuggly.”

Tim grinned, moving to get what remained of the blankets and pillows. “I’m not Dick. I don’t cuddle. And besides, we’re both wearing body armor, cuddling would be incredibly uncomfortable.”

He saw the tell tale sign of Jason trying not to laugh. “It’s a damn good thing you’re not the Golden Boy, otherwise I wouldn’t have even considered it.”

“Oh? So you’re saying you like me more than him?”

Jason only grunted and started messing with the blankets, spreading some of them out evenly over the entire king sized mattress, and folding some in half to only cover one side at a time. “I’m saying you’re not as annoying.”

Tim took that as a win, “Well for the record, Jaybird, I think you’re pretty great too. You know, as long as you’re not trying to murder me.”

Jason huffed, “That was one time.”

“Twice actually.”

“Fine, twice. I’m being nice now, aren’t I?”

Tim patted his brother’s shoulder, “Yep. Thanks. Before we get comfortable again, though...”

Jason immediately understood Tim’s mischievous smirk and bolted for the Batmobile, holding out a hand to help Tim up, right as Tim shouted, “THE FLOOR IS LAVA!”

He immediately saw Dick getting up and booking it to the Batcomputer. Cass was also up in seconds, taking refuge atop the Giant Penny. Steph was still completely out of it, and Duke was waking up slowly.

8...

7...

6...

Damian came to his senses. Duke was up and trying his best.

Steph was still asleep, curled amongst a massive purple comforter.

3...

2...

Duke leaped to grab something, anything, to keep him safe, but missed. He laid on the floor in defeat.

Damian had opted for the quickest, and best way to be safe, and that was standing on top of Steph’s still sleeping body.

1...

0.

Jason and Tim grinned to each other. “Safe.” Two people in one round? That meant Tim had three people he could punish now, and as part of their silent agreement, Jason would get to help out in Tim’s plot.

“Demon brat, wake Steph up and tell her she’ll be subject to punishment later. Same goes to you, Duke.”

He heard Duke’s groan of, “Please be kind. I’m nice to you.” Before watching the Signal crawl back to bed and pass back out in seconds.

He turned to Jason, “Well he’s not wrong. Maybe we can go a bit lighter on him. I actually like Duke.”

Jason shrugged, “Yeah, I agree. Steph’ll be fun though.”

“Yeah, and I still have my punishment for Dick saved up.”

Jason’s face lit up, “Oh? Are we going to be combining punishments again?”

Tim shrugged in the way that definitely said yes, “Who knows.”

“In that case, Timmers. Why don’t we actually get some sleep so we’ll be awake for any and all punishments?” Jason nudged his side.

Tim rolled his eyes, “Really? That’s the best you got?”

Jason jumped off the Batmobile and held out a hand for Tim. Tim took it, though part of him wondered if this was Jason being nice, or Jason casually pointing out that Tim was a good four inches shorter than Jason. “Come on, Replacement, just because sleep is for the weak doesn’t mean that you should let Demon Spawn take advantage of your sleep deprived state and call it when you crash.”

Tim growled lowly, “I will... get in the bed. But no promises beyond that.”

Jason smiled, “That’s all I ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day in the future I’m going to reread this disaster fic having forgotten everything I wrote and... it’ll be interesting that’s for sure
> 
> Anyways, seeing as a lot of you are in quarantine well into May and I probably won’t be leaving my house until like, June, you can expect plenty more chapters cause I’ve nothing better to do with my life than this so


	45. Handstands and The Floor is Lava is a Bad Combination but then you add Waffles and it’s Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: ya know how I did the sleeps yesterday? Well, then I went and wrote angsty chapters until 3 AM last night so like, you guys asked for angst and you shall receive, and I do mean receive because the first angsty chapter is 2,500 words long and that’s only the first one. I was truly vibing last night. And now I am vibin again but for completely different reasons. But it’s quarantine and I don’t have to follow a schedule or anything, so I don’t really care. 
> 
> Anyways,,, um,, family stuff happens here I guess...

Tim woke up to someone shouting, “THE FLOOR IS LAVA!”

Again.

He was out of bed in seconds, slapping Jason across the face to wake him up, even though Jason’s eyes were already open, and then he was sprinting to the Batmobile. He held a hand out for Jason to help him up, and then looked around wildly.

Duke was standing on top of the Batcomputer with a grin on his face, obviously being the one who called it. Dick was leaping onto the top of the Giant Penny, his hair messy from sleeping. Cass was nowhere to be seen, and Steph was currently rolling across the floor at breakneck speeds, trying to reach the safety of the mats not far away. Tim giggled as he watched her push herself to her feet, stumbling around and tripping over her blanket as she leaped for the training mat. Damian was.... ah, there he is, inside the hammock attached to the ceiling. Oh, what’s that? He squinted his tired eyes, and saw that hidden in the shadows of the ceiling, was a slightly alarmed looking Batman.

Tim laughed a bit, realizing that Duke had probably called it the second he’d seen Bruce walk in, if Bruce’s proximity to the door was anything to go off of.

“Safe. Though most of you didn’t have to actually get up because the sun’s been up for hours.”

“FUCK YOU!” Spoiler yelled.

Damian rolled out of the hammock and fell the fifteen feet to the floor, landing gracefully on his feet, somehow. (Tim knew that had that been him, he wouldn’t have even tried to land right, he would’ve just let the floor accept him).

Jason was already clambering off the Batmobile, grumbling about that “being mean,” so Tim took that opportunity to jump on his back and use him as a human transportation device. Jason grunted but didn’t say anything as he gave Tim a piggy back ride over to the mattress.

“What time is it?” Tim called to Duke.

“8!” Duke replied, leaping off the Batcomputer.

“Hey Duke!” Dick called. “Wanna do a handstand competition?”

“What happens when I lose?”

Nightwing’s shrugged, “Nothing, just the winner gets immunity. And I need that apparently so I can activate it before Tim decides my punishment.”

Jason shooed Tim off his back and Tim curled up on the mattress again, grabbing his laptop and opening it. “So,” he said lowly, still listening to Duke agreeing to the competition. “In other words, we need to punish him and Steph before the competition.”

Jason nodded, grabbing his book and sitting next to Tim in a similar manner, “Ideas?”

“A few. We could always call it during the competition and see how that goes, but I’ve seen Dick chase down a criminal while only walking on his hands, so it’s probably not gonna make him lose.”

Jason huffed a laugh, “Man, I wish I’d seen that.”

“It was actually kinda scary.”

Meanwhile, Nightwing and Signal were beginning their competition, though Robin had joined them.

“I mean there’s no harm in calling it now is there?” Tim added, and clicked play on a video showing a very cute puppy. He turned the laptop to Jason so he could see.

“Adorable. And no, there’s not. But you know what would be funnier?”

“What?”

“If we wait until ten minutes in, and then call it.”

“Agreed. You want to?”

“Sure, you took the last one anyways.”

With that settled, they both went back to their respective entertainment options, occasionally glancing up at the people in the competition. See, the thing was, the entire family was pretty good at handstand competitions, but the only way to beat Dick was to knock him off balance, and Duke was the only one kind enough to not do that immediately, so Duke was also the one constantly being challenged into the competition. Also, Duke was surprisingly good at handstands. Who knew?

At one point, he looked up to see Damian’s arms shaking slightly, which meant the demon brat was getting close to his limit before he went down. He nudged Jason, and at that moment, before Jason called it, he watched Duke’s eyes go wide and he started walking on his hands towards the nearest safe spot.

“THE FLOOR IS LAVA!” Jason yelled, and they both watched the panic from the safety of their mattress.

In fact, they couldn’t have chosen a better time to do this, because Cass had just returned and was walking with Bruce towards the sparring ring, Steph had also just returned from the kitchen, and was carrying a plate of waffles, which she was already halfway through.

Dick immediately started bounding on his hands to the closest railing, his feet never touching anything as he climbed it. Duke was already safe, having probably used his meta power at the exact right time to see Dick hand-sprinting over to the railing. Damian had given up on the handstand competition immediately and had sprinted to tackle Spoiler, using her as an island. Unfortunately, that also made her plate of waffles go flying. A eardrum shattering screech filled the air and next thing Tim knew, Robin was actually flying for once in his life, true to his namesake, flailing through the air, having been yeeted by Spoiler who was panicking over her waffles. Black Bat and Batman on the other hand, were perfectly calm, having both climbed some of the training equipment.

Tim laughed manically as he heard Damian hit the concrete of the Batcave floor.

“Spoiler and Robin are to be subject for punishment. Everyone else is safe.” Jason called.

“Just so you guys know, that means Dick, Damian, and Steph are all due for punishment. And Spoiler, you have it twice.” Tim added, unhelpfully. He heard Damian groan somewhere off in the distance, and an incoherent grunting that was probably something along the lines of “Fuck you, Drake.”

Comments:

“Noooooo the waffles”

“RIP Spoiler’s waffles, they will be missed.”

“F in the chat for the waffles, guys, let’s pay our respects”

“f”

“f’

“f”

“f”

“f”

“Fly, Robin, FLY”

“He done messed up”

“At this point, has everyone just accepted that the two Red’s have teamed up and are now an unstoppable force?”

“yes”

“I love how signal started moving before they even called it”

“but how did he know”

“He’s signal”

“fair”

“Nightwing legit was like a spider”

“I don’t know if I would say a spider but definitely something out of a horror movie”

“Something you wouldn’t want to come out of the dark at you”

“I mean, nightwing was going to win that contest, just saying”

“Nah. I think Robin, he’s got less gravitational pull”

“But he doesn’t have an acrobatics video”

“Ah, true”

“Any love for my boy signal guys?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: A relatively short chapter with some Batfam style competitions fueled by people on the internet.


	46. Don’t Challenge Them, You’ll Lose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruh, idek what this chapter is, but it’s completely in character for all of them so I’m going with it

The next video had Signal in the middle, with Black Bat and Nightwing on either side. A heavy beat started playing.

And then the three of them were breakdancing in perfect sync with each other, pulling moves that look like they’d hurt like a bitch, and at one point, all three of them stood up completely, Nightwing did a backflip off Signal’s back, his feet landed in Black Bat’s already cupped hands where he was lifted into the air yet again, performing an overly complicated twisting flip that would have Katelyn Ohashi baffled, before landing yet again. They all bowed dramatically, and that was the end of the video.

Comments:

“That... was the most satisfying thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“So... does Nightwing do that often or...?”

“They’re like backup dancers”

“Bitch, they’re the entire performance”

“That... that was beautiful.

“Disco time!!!”

“nooooo it’s screee time”

* * *

The next video was Red Hood, in full armor for once in his life, holding a gun and looking at the camera. “Nightwing dared me to see what the smallest target I can hit from fifty feet is,” he deadpanned, looking annoyed despite the fact that no one could see his face. “And Red Robin said that if I can hit the paper clip that he taped to the wall, then I could take the immunity Nightwing got from the handstand competition away from him. So...”

Red Hood turned, looked to the wall across the cave, where if you zoomed in really close, you might be able to see a bright green paper clip taped there, and fired.

The camera shook a bit as one of the Bats ran up to check, and...

“Holy shit. He actually did it.”

The camera showed a bullet, imbedded in the wall, right smack in the middle of the paper clip, which had been bent at several odd angles due to the force of the bullet. But still... it was a perfect shot.

“ _NOOOOOO_!” Nightwing screamed, falling to his knees, clutching his hair.

Comments:

“...i... wow...”

“YASSSSS”

“He’s like Katniss”

“HOW????”

“New Challenge 2020”

“nO”

“Can I bring Hood as my date to the carnival so he can win me all the prizes?”

“Betcha can’t do it blindfolded”

“Do it, you wont”

“He a coward, he won’t”

“He will be known as a coward until he accepts the challenge”

“COWARDDDDD”

“COWARD”

“COWARD”

* * *

The next video was Red Hood looking straight into the camera and saying, “I ain’t no coward,” before blindfolding himself, spinning around in several circles, and then firing his gun.

Silence.

“Did... did he hit it?” Red Robin’s voice asked behind the camera.

“Yes,” Signal replied. “He hit his previous bullet. He didn’t even miss by a millimeter.” The view shifted to where it showed exactly that.

Red Hood’s maniacal laughter could be heard in the background.

Comments:

“Oh... okay then.”

“I have never been more turned on by a guy with a gun in my life”

“Well... he wasn’t wrong.”

“Yeah, he’s no coward”

“Red Hood has Big Dick Energy confirmed”

“Does he secretly have super powers??????”

“AHHHHHH MERIDA”

“We were wrong bois. He did it. He proved us wrong”

“F”

“F”

“F”

“wHeRe Do ThEy LeArN tHiS sTuFf?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: ANGST


	47. Bombolonis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied guys, this isn’t angst, it’s angst plus cooking.... 2,566 words of it to be more specific 
> 
> (Also, I guess there’s trigger warnings for mentions of suicidal thoughts in this, but it’s like one sentence from my boi Tim)

Most everyone in the family actually went to bed early today, though early for them is around 1 AM instead of 3 or 4. That’s what happens when you live in a family of vigilantes, Tim guessed. Jason and Tim had covered patrol and returned to a cave full of peacefully sleeping vigilantes, who were probably exhausted from a day full of thirteen (13) calls of the floor is lava, four (4) dance battles, two (2) duels, and having to deal with Nightwing’s panic after he accidentally dislocated Robin’s shoulder. Robin was currently sleeping with a sling on. It’s worth mentioning that he also had wrapped ribs because he cracked two of them in his flight across the cave.

At least it wasn’t Tim this time.

So yeah, everyone was asleep due to an exhausting day. Except, ya know, Tim and Jason who were too busy parkouring across rooftops to sleep. And also neither of them slept much. That was another weird thing they bonded over.

So now Jason and Tim sat side by side on the mattress, a foot or two of space between them, and like fourteen blankets draped over their legs. Jason was reading yet another book and at this point Tim was wondering where he was getting them, because he hadn’t actually seen Jason switch books or go upstairs to get a new one from the library, he just, has a new one.

“Hey, Tim?” Jason asked, his voice uncharacteristically quiet. It was the quiet, near vulnerable state of his voice that got Tim’s full attention.

Jason’s gaze was focused on the book in his hand, but his eyes weren’t moving across the page, simply staring at the middle, eyebrows slightly furrowed.

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t you hate me?” Jason’s voice was nothing more than a whisper.

Tim didn’t know how to respond. Why doesn’t he hate Jason? “I... I dunno. You’re a pretty great guy, Jay. I don’t see why I would hate you?”

Jason sighed, putting his book down in his lap, but his gaze remained focused ahead of him, almost like he was scared to look anywhere else. “I tried to kill you. I hated you for replacing me and I still call you replacement everyday. I... I don’t get it. How can you look at me and smile in that fucking dorky way you do? I’m a goddamn _monster_. How can you not hate me? How can you sit here, sharing a bed with me and not be scared that I’ll kill you? How—“ Jason’s voice broke, his hands moving to shield his face from view.

Tim stared at him, blinking in confusion. He was no good with emotions, he should not be the one Jason is talking to right now. It should be Dick. Dick always listens. Dick makes Tim laugh when he feels like breaking down and crying and screaming. Dick was the person who understood emotions, who could help Jason understand... but Jason wasn’t talking to Dick. Jason was talking to _Tim_.

Tim closed his eyes and scooted closer to Jason, leaning his head down against the man’s broad shoulder. “You’re not a monster, Jay.” He whispered quietly, because he didn’t know what else to say.

In his brain, situations were flying. Words to say to make Jason feel better, things Dick would do for Tim, like make two cups of tea and curl up on Dick’s bed and talk about the way they felt about life.

But each time he opened his mouth to say those things, nothing came out. Because this was Jason talking to Tim. Jason was looking for Tim’s words, not Dick’s... right? “What do you want me to say, Jason?” He whispered, his voice shaking slightly. “That I don’t hate you for trying to kill me because frankly I want to kill me too? That I know what it’s like to be replaced? That you’re the one person in this family who I know will understand... what it’s like to...” He trailed off, not knowing where he was going with that point.

Jason’s shoulders were shaking slightly, and Tim didn’t want to know if Jason was crying because that would make all of this worse. Because Jason didn’t cry right? Jason was big and strong and manly and he’d faced the Joker’s torture without breaking. He’d _died_ before he’d given up. Jason Todd wasn’t crying... no, Jason Todd didn’t cry. But Tim Drake did. Just one or two tears because he didn’t know what exactly he was feeling, only that Jason was here, having something akin to a breakdown right next to him, and all Tim could say is that he didn’t know.

“We’re both pretty fucked up, aren’t we?” Jason’s voice rasped, barely audible, but the words hit home nonetheless.

“Yeah.” Tim replied, because he didn’t know what else to say.

Jason took a deep breath and straightened his back, causing Tim to lean away. Their gazes finally met and Tim was met with the sight of Jason Todd, looking exactly as he always did, hard expression, windswept hair with his white streak at the top, but there was something else. His eyes weren’t red, they weren’t puffy or wet with tears, but on his cheek, tracing down to his jaw, was the track of a tear.

He didn’t know what to do with that.

“Let’s go upstairs.” Jason said, his voice still quiet in the silence of the Batcave, with everyone sleeping around them, but it was louder than before. Stronger.

Tim didn’t question the statement, “Okay.”

They both went upstairs, Tim trailing behind Jason’s large frame, still painfully unsure of what he was doing. They reached the kitchen and he saw the way Jason’s shoulder’s seemed to relax. “What do you want to make?” Jason asked.

Tim raised an eyebrow and looked at the time. 3:42 AM. Not the time to be making food but... who was he to complain? “I dunno. Something... sweet I guess.”

Jason ambled to the pantry and started looking through the ingredients and Tim watched from behind the island, trying to sort out the thoughts in his mind. “Jay?” He asked, his voice barely even audible to him.

“Hm?”

“Why exactly are we cooking right now?”

Jason didn’t answer immediately, instead he kept shifting through the pantry, occasionally pulling out items and setting them down on the island. Tim waited. He knew Jason would answer when he found an answer to give.

Jason turned and set a massive container of Nutella on the counter before turning back to the pantry, “I cook when I’m stressed. Or feeling anything, really. Fuck emotions.”

Tim couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped his lips. “Okay, so what are we making?”

Jason placed like four other thing son the counter. “Bombolonis.”

“What.”

“They’re basically fancy Italian jelly filled donuts. Except we’re putting Nutella in them because that’s what I want tonight.” Jason explained, moving to grab a few things from a drawer across the kitchen.

“And... you know how to make these from memory?”

Jason shrugged, “I make everything from memory.”

“So what you’re saying is you’re just pulling out ingredients and hoping for the best.”

Jason gave him a lopsided smile, “Yes.”

Tim shook his head, “Okay... so what do I need to do?”

Jason hummed and then pointed at the measuring cup he just pulled out. “Put water in it.”

“Umm... how much?”

“Like half.” Jason turned and grabbed something from the pantry. “Make sure it’s warm otherwise the yeast won’t activate and we’ll have sad donuts.”

Well, we can’t have sad donuts now can we? Tim grabbed the measuring cup and started putting warm water in it.

Behind him, Jason sighed, “Do you ever...”

Tim glanced behind him to see Jason staring at a few of the ingredients, looking lost, but not because of the cooking, but because of something else. Tim turned off the sink and poured out some of the water so he could get it to exactly half. He returned to Jason’s side, setting the measuring cup on the island. “Do I ever...?” He prompted.

“I don’t know. Just... _not_?” Jason rubbed a hand over his face. “With everything?”

Tim sighed, suddenly understanding the way Jason had been looking at the flour on the counter. “Yeah.”

That seemed to satisfy Jason, and he kept moving. He poured a small packet of something, probably yeast, into the water and stirred it slightly before setting it off to the side. “Don’t touch.”

“‘Kay.”

Jason leaned down, opening a drawer and pulling out another measuring cup, smaller this time. “Two cups of flour. Put it in the mixer.”

Tim did that. Jason was messing around with what looked like... more flour? “What’s that?”

“Bread flour. It’s for... stuff. I don’t know. I’m just doing things.”

Tim shrugged and waited for his next instructions. “Get the salt.” Tim looked around and grabbed the salt shaker on the counter. “No you goddamn idiot, the kosher salt that I pulled out.”

“Oh,” Tim rubbed the back of his neck. Course, Kosher salt, what else? Jason took the salt from him and poured some into the mixer, not using any measuring devices.

“Half a cup of sugar.” Jason said next, and Tim quickly did that, if only to make up for his stupidity with the salt. “Thanks.” Jason said, pouring the sugar in and handing Tim back the empty measuring cup.

Jason hummed, looking around, seemingly trying to figure out what was next. “Eggs.” He said, suddenly, snapping his fingers. “I need eggs. Five of them.”

Tim didn’t question it, and got the carton of eggs out. “Crack three of them into the water stuff we did earlier.” Jason told him. Tim kinda wanted to crack a joke (get it, crack?) about Jason telling him not to touch the water stuff, but didn’t because frankly Jason was in the mode and Tim had learned during the soufflé pancakes experience that jokes + Jason cooking is no good. He’s either not listening or doesn’t find them funny.

As Tim was cracking the first egg, he had a bit of an epiphany. Oh, the soufflé pancakes experience... he’d been crashing at Jason’s place after he’d been grazed (read: hit) with a bullet in the side and really didn’t want Bruce to find out about it (cause that would’ve meant a lecture, and ya know, Tim was bleeding and not in the mood for that). Jason hadn’t complained, he’d simply stitched Tim up and told him to get some rest and Tim still remembered the slightly shocked look on his face when Tim actually had. When Tim had woken up, Jason was gone, leaving a note saying, “ _Don’t go anywhere, Replacement. I just have some business to take care of. I made you some eggs and there’s a strawberry banana smoothie in the fridge for you cause I know you secretly like that shit. Don’t be an idiot and rip your stitches or anything like that. I’ll be back soon. — Jason._ ”

Tim let out a slight scoff. The pieces were fitting together. Jason cooked when he was stressed. Tim had stressed him out by getting shot and being too tired from strain and blood loss to do anything except immediately fall asleep. Tim didn’t know what the “business” was, but if he remembered right, the person who had shot him had ended up at the GCPD precinct that day...

And then less than 24 hours later, Jason was waking Tim up from his sleep, telling him they were going to make pancakes. At 4 AM. And Tim had accepted it, too focused on the pain in his side or the slight blurriness in his eyes to note the way Jason’s hands had shook or the way his breathing had been labored, like he’d just woken up from a nightmare.

Tim finished cracking the eggs. He turned to find Jason playing with the other two, and Tim cocked his head to the side. “Whatcha doing with the egg in your hand?”

Jason glanced at him, “I’m separating the yolks, dipshit.”

“By... cradling the egg?”

“Yes. That’s how you fucking separate egg yolks. Course, I could do it using the shell, but this is way easier.” Jason plopped the egg yolk down into a separate bowl. “Take the icky water, yeast, and egg stuff and be ready to pour it into the mixer.” Jason ordered, turning the mixer on low. He gestured and Tim started pouring. “Slower than that.” Tim poured slower. “Good. You know, you’re not really that bad at this.”

Tim raised an eyebrow, “I’m just good at listening to instructions. You’re doing all the actual cooking.”

Jason laughed, “True. I think if I told you to make something other than coffee, cereal, or instant ramen, you’d have a mental breakdown.”

“I would.” Tim wasn’t even going to deny it. Jason was smiling now, and Tim liked that way more than the Jason of fifteen minutes ago, with his head in his hands, trying to stop the tears from falling. Tim licked his lips slightly, thinking. He knew he and Jay should talk about it, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment.

 _After_ , he told himself. After the bombo-whatever these things were called, he would talk to Jason about it. Until then, he’d let Jason keep smiling.

Jason added the other egg yolks and then walked back toward the island and started doing something with the butter he’d set out. Soon enough, Jason was putting softened butter into the mixture too and Tim wasn’t gonna lie... the stuff in the mixture was starting to smell pretty good.

Jason hummed again before grabbing something that looked like vanilla extract. “I know this doesn’t go in this, but we’re going to put just a lil bit anyways cause I want to.”

Tim chuckled and watched Jason put in one, two, three drops of vanilla. “There,” Jason stepped back, smiling. “Not enough to change the flavor, but enough to make it smell like Heaven.”

And he wasn’t wrong. It smelled like something straight out of a hallmark movie... if that made sense.

Jason did more stuff with the mixer, increasing the speed and watching it with a small smile on his face before stopping the mixing entirely and transferring the dough over to a separate bowl. “Hey R, get the Saran Wrap.”

Tim got the Saran Wrap and Jason covered the bowl and left it on the counter.

“Now what?” Tim asked. Jason moved to the sink to wash his hands.

“Now we wait. It needs to rise for like two hours or something.”

“Oh.” Tim replied, looking around. “So... what are we gonna do until then?”

Jason gestured to the kitchen, “Clean up for now. Alfred will kill us if we leave a mess.”

Well, he had him there. They started cleaning up in silence, the only sounds being the ticking of the grandfather clock in the adjacent room and the occasional running of the water as they washed the bowls they used. When they were done though, it had only been fifteen minutes or so. Nowhere near the two hour period.

Jason sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Okay, now that that’s done. Let’s go up to the roof or something.”

Tim didn’t question it, and quietly followed Jason up to the roof, grabbing two blankets off the couch as he passed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: MORE ANGST
> 
> Also [here's the recipe if you guys want it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5L96o7u3zo)


	48. The Roof is the Best Place for Deep Talks About Life, Trust Me I Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dun dun dun* MORE ANGST  
> (And like fifty trigger warnings for suicide talk and stuff)   
> BUT ALSO BROTHERLY BONDING!!!! YAY!

The first thing Tim noticed was that the sky was clear, giving him a perfect view of the Milky Way above them, an unusual sight in Gotham seeing as it’s always cloudy and rainy. But not tonight. One glance and Tim could make out the Big Dipper and he could see the way one dot in the sky shone particularly brightly— Jupiter, most likely.

Jason was sitting down on the roof now, the slight slope making his sitting position into more of a half-laying position. Tim tossed him one of the blankets and sat next to him.

If they were different people, friends instead of brothers, or if they weren’t about to talk about serious mental health issues or past trauma, Tim would say this scene was straight out of a cheesy romance novel. But this wasn’t a romance novel. This was serious.

Once again, Tim found himself trying to figure out how Dick would start the conversation.

“I’m sorry.” Jason’s voice broke the silence.

Tim looked at him, eyebrows furrowed. “For what?”

Jason huffed and laid back on the roof, staring up at the stars. “For trying to kill you, I guess. Or maybe something else, I don’t know. I’m just... sorry.”

Tim laid back too, “It’s okay.”

“No it’s not okay.” Jason snapped, causing Tim to flinch. “I left you for fucking dead. I wanted you to die, I smiled when I saw the blood. Your blood.” Jason’s hands were covering his face again, and in the dim lighting of the night sky, Tim could see the way his fingers curled around his hair, pulling at it. “You should hate me. Everyone should hate me. I’m a monster.”

“No.” Tim said, his voice firmer than usual. “No. You don’t get to decide how people feel about you or how they treat you. We love you Jason, every single person in this house loves you.” Tim bit his lip, staring at the Big Dipper above him, trying to figure out what to say next.

“I never told you, but when I fought you in the Tower, I was impressed.” Jason spoke again, his voice quiet. “You were good, better than I was when I was Robin. You held your own, even if it was just for a minute or two. You’re even better now...”

Tim didn’t know what to say exactly. Was he supposed to say thanks? He sighed, mumbling out something akin to a thanks, though he wasn’t sure if that was the right response.

The silence filled the air again, stretching on for a few minutes. “Jay?”

“Yeah?” Jason sounded tired, but not in the sleepy way. It was... the Tim way. The way Tim spoke whenever he was feeling down, or like he was less than the rest of his family. It wasn’t the tone he expected to hear from Jason.

“Why did this all come up?”

“What do you mean?” Jason asked, though it was clear he knew what it meant, he was just asking for clarification.

“Why are you suddenly talking to me about all of this? Why not talk to Dick? Why not tell me a month ago when I came over for lunch cause you made too much spaghetti with meatballs? Why now?”

Jason ran his fingers through his hair before dropping his arm back to his side, the thud of his arm against the roof seemed the echo through the air. “I don’t know. I guess all this family time had me thinking. You came to me first with the account, you trusted me to keep it secret and run it while you were gone. During the floor is lava, you teamed up with me even though it’d be so easy to avoid me. I just didn’t understand. No, I _don’t_ understand. Because Dick is so great, Cass is amazing, Steph is like, still your best friend even though you guys aren’t dating anymore, yet... you’re hanging out with me. I don’t get it. Why would you spend time with a murderer?”

Tim considered it for a long time, trying to get his thoughts and reasons into something that made sense and not just pointless babble. “I guess... it’s because I understand you. Or maybe we understand each other? I don’t know.” He sighed. “You know, I’ve almost killed before.”

Jason looked to him, head raising off the roof in interest. “What? When?”

“A lot of times, actually. When I was looking for Bruce, I worked with the League of Assassins to find him, because Ra’s was the only other person that believed me when I said Bruce was alive. But... I guess the time I was referring to was a month or so after we got Bruce back.I had a plan, specifically designed so that if Captain Boomerang made the right decision for once, if he did something morally correct, he’d avoid walking to his death. But he didn’t. Never once did he make the right decision. And that led him to my trap. I wasn’t even going to kill him myself, it would have been Victor Freeze. But... I didn’t... I saved him even though he killed my family, even though I was the one who made it so he’d meet Freeze and challenge him and die. Sometimes I still wish I had let him die.”

“You made the right decision.” Jason said, sounding confident. “I don’t think Bruce would be able to handle it if we both turned into problem children.”

Tim laughed, “Yeah, good point.”

“Not to mention how dangerous you’d be if you actually killed more often, like c’mon Timmy, you managed to plan your way into killing a guy without even being anywhere near him? The city would be fucking terrified. At least I have the gall to show my mask, but you’d just be a ghost.” Jason ranted, throwing his hands into the air as he spoke.

Tim smacked him, “I wouldn’t be that bad.”

“Oh you totally would. Bruce would probably have to call you his greatest enemy or something because he wouldn’t be able to outsmart you.”

“Well we can’t have that, now can we? Joker would be depressed that he’s not actually Bats’ biggest rival.” Tim countered.

Jason was laughing quietly now, “Oh no, poor Joker, he’s been replaced by Batman’s former sidekick. How tragic.”

Tim couldn’t help the grin on his face, “I guess I’ll have to stick to the good side of the law then, ya know, for Batman and Joker’s sakes.”

“I guess you will. Though, if I ask you to make me a highly detailed murder plan, would you?”

“If you don’t explicitly call it a murder plan, I might consider it.”

“Oooh, Timmy, who knew you had a such a dark side?”

Tim chuckled, “Shhh, we gotta keep it under wraps so that when I finally snap and become an anti-hero like you, no one will see it coming.”

They were both laughing quietly now, enjoying the conversation that would likely become an inside joke sometime in the future. Once their laughter died down, Tim found himself staring up at the stars once again, wondering how beautiful they’d look without the pollution of Gotham hindering them. He’d seen pictures of course, edited photos of the Milky Way without any light pollution or clouds, how it would have looked millennia ago... it was a humbling sight, knowing he was just this one person out of the trillions who had looked at these exact stars, thinking the same thing as him.

“Tim... did you mean it when you said that...” Jason trailed off.

“That sometimes I don’t want to be alive?” Tim filled in for him, stating it casually despite the fact that he knew the heavy implications of the statement.

“Yeah.”

Tim rubbed his face, trying to ignore the way his hand had started shaking slightly. “I... yeah, yeah I think so.”

Jason turned to him, but Tim kept his gaze on the sky, his teeth chewing on his bottom lip. “Are... have you...?”

“What? Tried to kill myself?”

Jason nodded.

Tim sighed, “No. No I’m not... suicidal or anything. I just, think about it sometimes.”

“Oh.” Jason turned back to the sky. “Me too, I guess.”

Tim sucked in a breath. “Maybe it’s just... part of being a vigilante.”

“No, I don’t think so. I think... I don’t know what I think, I just know... it’s not supposed to be normal to feel this way.” Jason’s voice had that sort of husk to it that usually came after yelling too much, but this time it was like he was trying to hold his voice back.

“Yeah, I know it’s not. But... we aren’t exactly normal.”

Jason huffed a laugh, “You got that right. Doesn’t mean that...”

“I know.” Tim told him, reaching over to grab Jason’s wrist. “I know. Why don’t... why don’t we promise each other not to do any of that stupid shit.”

Jason looked to him, his green tinted eyes had a slight glow to them, a side effect of the Lazarus Pit, Tim figured. Still, it made his gaze sharper, more piercing, the way it felt like Jason was looking into his soul instead of at his face. “That sounds stupid.”

Tim looked away, pulling his hand away from where it had been grasping Jason’s wrist, “yeah, yeah you’re right that’s—“

“I promise.”

Tim’s gaze snapped back, feeling Jason’s hand on his shoulder. “What?” He responded automatically, though he knew exactly what Jason had said.

“I promise. I won’t kill myself or let a bullet hit me just so I can feel something or any of that shit. I want you to promise me the same thing.” Jason’s voice was firm, any of it’s previous brokenness or vulnerability gone, replaced by rock hard determination.

“I— I promise that too. And if I do... if I think about it a bit too seriously, I’ll come to you. We can cook some fucking bombo-whatevers and talk through feelings and maybe punch some criminals too.” Tim said, his voice getting stronger as he spoke. Yeah. He would do that. Jason and him would do this, they would keep this promise.

“Good. And they’re called bombolonis, by the way.” Jason let go of his iron grip on Tim’s shoulder as he turned back to the sky above.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as there was to unpack in this chapter, my brain can only focus on the concept of anti-hero Tim Drake which by the way, I’ve searched for, and apparently it doesn’t exist in the form of a good fanfic, so like I guess I’ll have to write it myself?? Would anyone read that? Does that concept interest anyone else other than me?


	49. The Author Suffered Yesterday but Here’s the beginning of the Punishments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you know what’s worse than being stuck in quarantine? Being stuck in quarantine with no electricity because we had a storm with 70 mph winds (That’s like 112 kph for you fancy folk) and it knocked a tree down onto our power lines and fucked with everything so bad that I couldn’t post because I had no WiFi the entire day
> 
> It physically hurt my soul to not be able to do anything that required an internet connection, but alas, here’s the next chapter 
> 
> *by the way, the end notes is a step by step retelling of my last two days because it was pretty hectic

“So... how are we going to punish them all?” Tim said. It had been maybe an hour since their promise had been made, the time after that filled with quiet conversation and stories of patrols that had gone awry. “Cause like, Steph has two punishments, Dick has one, Damian has one, and Duke has one. That’s a lot of room for creativity.”

Jason hummed, “I’m thinking we should have Dick strip tease for the world to see.”

Tim barked a laugh at the thought. “As hilarious as that would be, it wouldn’t be a proper punishment cause Dick would actually enjoy it.”

Jason sighed, “True, but imagine the comedy gold that is the thirsty comments that video would get.”

“I don’t want to— oh. Oh my, I know what Duke’s punishment is.” Tim let a slow grin cross his face.

“I don’t like that smile that you’re giving me. What are you gonna do to Duke?” Jason asked, cautiously.

“Nothing toooooo bad, just have him read some thirsty comments to various members of the family. Ourselves included, probably.”

Jason’s shoulders shook with silent laughter, “You’re evil, Tim. Let’s do it.”

Tim pulled out his phone and wrote down Duke’s punishment in the notes section. “Okay, that’s one of five punishments. Let’s keep ‘em coming.”

“Okay okay... we can combine Steph and Dick’s punishments like we wanted to earlier.” Jason began.

“I kinda want to pull the Discowing suit out of storage and cut of the pants and have Dick wear that for 24 hours.” Tim blurted out.

“Yes. Yes. Yes. That’s the one we’re doing. Also can we handcuff Steph and Dick together as one of Steph’s punishments?” Jason responded.

“Fuck yes. During the same 24 hours as the Discowing suit. They can’t take the handcuffs off for any reason.” Tim added.

“What about patrol? Dick and Damian have patrol together tomorrow.”

“I guess Steph’ll have to come with them.” Tim shrugged.

“Damian would literally hate that. It’s perfect, write those down.”

Tim did, opening the notes section again and adding:

Steph: handcuffed to Dick for 24 hours

Dick: wear modified Discowing suit for 24 hours

“Okie dokie, so that’s three out of five. What’s Steph and Damian’s punishments?”

“For Damian I’m thinking that he has to say yes to anything someone tells him to do. Like a Ella Enchanted thing.” Jason waved his hand around, gesturing into the sky like that would help convince Tim to listen to his idea. It worked. Tim wrote down that one too.

“Okay, what about Steph’s other punishment?”

“Wait wait, quick question. Are we going to activate all of these at once?” Jason’s smirk was clear.

“Yes. Each one except Duke’s. We’ll do his first, cause I don’t want to be too mean to him.” Tim decided.

Jason nodded, “Wonderful. In that case, it needs to be something that’ll go with the Discowing suit and handcuffs. Or, we can save that punishment for later. Tomorrow is only the fourth day, after all.”

“Hmmm, that’s probably a good idea. We’ll get back to her later. Still, four punishments in one day, and three of them last the entire day... they’ll be sorry they ever agreed to our chaos.” Tim replied, laughing quietly. Oh yeah... Tomorrow was going to be chaos indeed.

* * *

“A’ight, we’ve been out here long enough. We have bombolonis to finish making.” Jason announced, standing up and stretching his arms above his head.

Tim sighed, long and slow, before standing as well. “What do we have to do exactly?”

“...Cook them?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Author’s Past Two Days in 47 steps
> 
> 1) hmmm it looks stormy out  
> 2) woah it’s windy out  
> 3) FUCK ITS REAL WINDY AND THE CHANGE IN AIR PRESSURE IS CAUSING THE WINDOW TO OPEN AND CLOSE SLIGHTLY AND MY CAT IS SCARED  
> 4) time to vlog this  
> 5) stares out window and vlogs  
> 6) realizes that the power is out  
> 7) opens balcony door cause why not   
> 8) almost gets blown away  
> 9) decides to go downstairs and make sure Dad’s okay cause he was outside   
> 10) dad is fine  
> 11) we consider turning the generator on and if the power is only out here or if there’s a line down  
> 12) dad calls some people to make sure they’re okay  
> 13) I eat some Cheeto puffs  
> 14) a lady informs us that there’s a tree down on the power lines and that 19,000 houses are experiencing power outages  
> 15) dad and i decided to go turn on the generator   
> 16) we turn on the generator   
> 17) lights come on  
> 18) I text my friend  
> 19) dad turns on the tv   
> 20) I microwave a muffin  
> 21) Dad decides that he needs to get the tree off the power line before it causes anymore damage   
> 22) I decided to go with him??? Don’t ask why, I don’t know  
> 23) I have the smart idea to wear flip flops instead of something smart like combat boots  
> 24) we get down there and there’s a massive green maple tree that’s on the power lines. Luckily, the lines have not snapped  
> 25) Dad starts cutting up the tree with a chainsaw  
> 26) chainsaw gets stuck  
> 27) I help him get the chainsaw out of the tree  
> 28) chainsaw gets stuck again  
> 29) we have to get the tractor from up at the house to get the chainsaw out of the tree cause life is complicated like that  
> 30) I get to use a crowbar  
> 31) our neighbor comes and helps us  
> 32) we get most of the tree off the lines except one large branch which is being held up by a smaller branch off shooting from it  
> 33) I suggest we just lift the branch from the bottom to get it off, but they say that’s not gonna work because it might rip the line  
> 34) my uncle calls, I answer and start talking to him  
> 35) they lift the branch from the bottom and free the line completely  
> 36) I am slightly insulted   
> 37) we go back to the house, it has mostly stopped storming, I make cheeseburgers for dinner  
> 38) the grill catches on fire and I panic slightly but the burgers were fine so we be good  
> 39) I take a shower because there’s leaves in my hair  
> 40) the power comes back on, it’s midnight. I go outside and turn off the generator   
> 41) I wake up. There is no power again. I am disappointed. I sleep in until 12:30  
> 42) my dad has turned the generator back on but the WiFi is being a bitch and not working  
> 43) I have an emotional crisis about not being able to post  
> 44) fast forward the rest of the day, the WiFi is going in and out  
> 45) I learn to wire a gate as another storm approaches   
> 46) WiFi comes back completely  
> 47) it storms again and I spend the entire night looking at the lightning and hoping that my newly regained WiFi doesn’t leave me again


	50. The Bomboloni Finale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyyyyyy Chapter 50 (words I never thought I’d say about my own writing) (but here I am) (Quarantine might be rude but it’s also a blessing)

Turns out “cook them” was an understatement. Tim sat at the island as Jason rolled out the dough, cut them into circles using a cookie cutter, placed them on a pan and put them in the oven, but not to bake, to “proof.” Whatever that meant.

By the time he’d been done with that, it was 6 AM and the sun was rising. The two of them had pulled an all nighter by talking about emotions and making Italian stuffed donuts.

And then Jason had set a timer and said, “Okay, so those need like another hour or so. I’m going to bed. You do whatever you want.”

Tim was still sitting in the kitchen an hour later when Jason came back, his hair messy from sleep. “What’d you stay here?” Jason asked, his words slightly slurred.

Tim shrugged, “I made some coffee and eggs to eat. Scrolled through Tumblr the rest of the time.”

Jason rolled his eyes and took the pan out of the oven, not using a glove. “Isn’t that hot?” Tim asked, confused and slightly concerned.

“Nah, the oven wasn’t on. Just the light. I needed the air to be warm but not hot.” Jason explained. He held the pan out, “Put this in the fridge for me.”

At this point Tim was so confused that he didn’t even question it, he just took the warm pan and placed it in the refrigerator. When he turned back around, Jason had pulled out what looked like a cast iron skillet with high sides and placed it on the stove, cranking up the heat, before pouring a massive bottle of vegetable oil in.

“Jesus, how much of that shit are you putting?” Tim asked, as Jason kept pouring.

“Like three inches.” Jason replied.

That... no... that’s not an answer. “I think you’ve done more than three inches.” Tim said instead.

“Ehhh, three and a half.” Jason said, and stopped pouring.

“And what are you doing with the pot full of oil?” Tim asked, because at this point everything was just confusion and he really wanted to know why Jason had just wasted so much oil.

“Because... we’re making donuts? And donuts need to be fried? Hence, oil. Ya know, for frying.” Jason replied, talking to Tim like he was an idiot. Which, in all fairness, probably wasn’t wrong. But still.

“Hey, in the drawer over there,” Jason pointed unhelpfully to a drawer across the kitchen. “Get the thermometer for me.”

Tim really hoped it was a normal thermometer so he could use it to measure his temperature and make sure he wasn’t coming down with something because frankly he was so confused right now that it could probably be diagnosed as a case of the Coronavirus. But alas, it was not a normal thermometer. Tim handed it over and Jason measured the temperature of the oil.

Whatever the temperature was didn’t seem to satisfy him, and Jason huffed and placed the thermometer aside, grabbing a wire rack and another pan, placing them near his frying station.

Tim just shook his head and sat back down at the counter, giving up on trying to understand what the fuck Jason was doing.

Jason measured the oil again and his face lit up in glee, evidently getting the temperature he wanted, before adjusting the flames coming from the stove top and the grabbing the dough from the fridge.

Tim looked down at his phone, deciding that whatever happened next would be too close to witchcraft for a mortal like him to witness. All he knew is that there was a really cute cat video on his screen andhe could hear the sounds of the dough being fried in front of him and Jason absentmindedly humming a quiet tune as he worked.

Ten minutes later, Dick bounced into the kitchen, “OOH!! Jaybird what are you making?!”

“Nothing you can have,” Jason huffed out. Tim looked up to see that almost all of the donuts were fried and covered in sugar, and that Jason was currently working on the last three, flipping them over using was looked like a wire mesh version of a ladle.

“Do I get to have some?” He asked, cause he technically helped make them which means at least 20% of the calories belonged to him, right?

Jason glanced up at him, “Sure.”

Dick gaped, “What? Why does he get to have them? What did I ever do to you?”

“Nothing,” Jason replied. “It’s what you didn’t do, which is help me make them. Timmy helped make the dough, which means he gets to have some.”

Dick’s offended face was funny enough for Tim to open his camera app and snap a picture, because even with the domino mask on, the outrage in his gaze was clear. “I wasn’t even awake!”

“Mhmmm,” Jason replied sassily, scooping out the donuts one by one and placing them on the wire rack with the rest. “Your fault.”

“You didn’t even wake me up! How was I supposed to know you were making donuts?” Dick continued.

Jason shrugged, “I don’t know, Golden Boy. If you want, I can give you a vague French toast recipe and you can make some of that with demon spawn. He’s probably never had French toast either.”

Dick’s offense immediately melted away, replaced with a gleeful grin. “Oh my god, you’re right. I’m gonna go get him!” And with that, he cartwheeled out of the room.

Tim chuckled, and reached over the island to grab one of the donuts, but Jason slapped his hand away. “The fuck do you think you’re doing?” He snapped.

Tim looked up at him, unintentionally giving him the puppy eyes. “I thought you said I could have one?”

Jason took the wire rack away from his outstretched hand with what looked like practiced grace. “Yeah, when they’re ready. Did you forget the part about these being Nutella filled?”

“Oh,” Tim replied, his hand falling and hitting the counter in defeat. “How long is that gonna take?”

Jason huffed, “Depends on how long it’s gonna take you to get your ass up and help me.”

Tim was out of his seat in seconds.

The filling process was pretty easy, and didn’t take too long, which was good because the second all of them were done and Jason nodded his head to let Tim have one, he was biting into one of the Nutella filled donuts and oh my g o d, they were delicious.

Tim was in heaven. No, better than that. He’d astral planed into a new dimension full of sugar coated donuts and savory Nutella and... wow. Food.

Jason seemed to be having roughly the same experience, and Tim suddenly didn’t care that the bombolonis had taken like 4 hours to make, because the taste was worth it.

Dick bounded back into the kitchen with Damian in tow, and before Jason or Tim could move, both had snatched a bomboloni off the tray with the grace of a master pickpocket. And suddenly all four of them were enjoying that blissful state of the best dessert/breakfast in the world.

Ten minutes later, the rest of the family was enjoying the bombolonis too, and Tim was shamelessly eating his third one because frankly he’d found his new addiction, and it wasn’t one crack cocaine.

“So Duke,” He began, and saw the way Duke’s eyes widened as he realized what Tim was about to say. “Are you ready for your punishment for falling in the lava?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyways, I did like, math stuff and found out that if I update every single day until the end of this month, then this fic will be on Chapter 75 by June and that’s weird to me. Like,,,, 75 chapters? Idk if I can write that much but I’m already at 50 so I guess I should just go for it?? Idk


	51. Thirst Comments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you gave me some thirst comments to add in here, and I put like one or two of them in, but the thing is I already had the chapter written and was too lazy to write all of them in, even though they were hilarious, so I’m just gonna copy and paste them into the end notes for you people because you guys need to read them, but like, I ain’t writing them

“The number one reason I watch the Batclan Tik Tok videos is for Nightwing’s glorious ass.” Duke read out, his blush clear despite his dark skin.

Nightwing was smirking, while the rest of the family had their heads in their hands, embarrassed that they live with this guy.

Duke’s punishment was simple. Read out any thirsty comments and tweets that Jason and Tim had took the time to find for him, read it in the tone of voice appropriate for said sentence, and make eye contact with whoever the tweet is about as he does so.

It’s also worth mentioning that this was definitely becoming their next Tik Tok.

“Oh no,” Duke whispered, before turning to face Damian. He cleared his throat. “I want Robin to come pet my cat and suck my toes.”

Tim burst out laughing, along with everyone else there except Damian, Bruce, and Cass. Bruce definitely understood the tweet, unlike the other two, he just didn’t find it funny.

“I’d love to pet your cat.” Damian replied, voice smooth. He didn’t comment on the other part.

“Okay, next...” Duke read the tweet and looked up at Jason. “Red Hood is hotter than the bottom of my laptop.”

“Damn right.” Jason replied.

Duke kept looking at Jason as he read the next one out. “I want red hood to crush me with his thighs.”

Jason was smirking under his helmet, Tim knew it. “I mean, send me your address, I’m always down for a little fun.” Jason replied, his voice silky smooth.

“Oh my god, Hood.” Spoiler replied, “You can’t just _say_ that.”

Jason shrugged, “It’s true though.”

“Please stop,” Duke said, before turning to Spoiler. “Never have I been more turned on than when I watched Spoiler throw a whole human being across the room.”

Steph leaned her head back and laughed, but didn’t comment otherwise.

Duke looked down at the next comment he had to read before sighing, “It’s in all caps, why does it have to be in all caps?”

Jason laughed, “Yes, I picked this one. Go on.”

Duke took and breath before looking at Tim and Tim had a sudden moment of panic because Duke was looking at him, and whatever he was about to read was in all caps. “GOD, RED ROBIN’S SMIRK WHENEVER HE DOES SOMETHING DEVIOUS MAKES ME SO SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED _UGH_!”

Tim gaped, well aware of the blush on his face that was even worse than Duke’s. Fuck, how does he respond to that? “Uhh, thanks. I guess.” He ducked his head. Oh yeah, real smooth Tim, reallllll smooth.

“I pretend that my body pillow is Nightwing.”

“Nightwing’s butt is the only thing that’s getting me through this quarantine.”

“At this point villains are gonna quit fearing the batsignal and just run when they hear those cheeks clapping in the distance.”

“NIGHTWING’S HOT _ASS_! THAT’S IT, THAT’S THE TWEET.”

It was safe to safe that they were all howling by the time Duke had finished reading off the ones about Nightwing, and at one point Bruce had just, stood up and left, presumably to laugh where no one could catch him.

“Okay,” Duke wiped a tear away from his face. “Um, my ideal weight is Black Bat on top of me.”

Cass looked around, confused. “That’s very heavy.”

Oh sweet child, please stay innocent forever.

“Oh. Oh this one’s about me. Um, fuck...” Duke mumbled. “Uh— My dream is to have a sugar daddy that looks like the Signal.” Duke looked up, flushed. “I— uh, yeah. I hope you get that too, I guess.”

At some point, Bats returned, sitting back down silently.

“Wait wait, who am I supposed to look at here?” Duke asked, before turning the phone in his hand to Jason.

“Everyone.”

Sorry, what?

“Oh, okay. Um. I couldn’t handle being in the same room as any of the batfam because they’re all so thicc that I’d implode.”

They laughed before Damian spoke up, “That statement implies that Red Robin is thick. He is not thick.”

“HEY!” Tim yelled, bolting up from his seat to attack Damian. Steph, unfortunately, held him back. He could see Jason falling out of his chair from laughter in the corner of his eye.

“What? It’s true.” Robin replied.

Tim growled at him.

“Okay,” Duke interrupted, breaking the tension. He looked at Tim again and fuck, Tim really didn’t want to have to deal with this again. “I would let Red Robin split me in half like a pistachio.”

“Fuck,” Tim mumbled, covering his face from view, suddenly very glad that his hair was long enough to help hide his blush.

He heard Duke’s snicker before he kept reading. “Red Robin could punch me in the face and I would say ‘thanks Daddy.’”

Tim hid his face further. Why did he think this would be a good idea?

He could hear Nightwing, Hood, and Spoiler’s laughter clear as day and just kept hiding his face because frankly he didn’t know how to respond to that.

“Black Bat is very pretty but I’m too scared to objectify her.” Duke read, sounding much more confident reading that one than any of the others. Cass simply nodded her head. Nightwing on the other hand...

“Oh I see how it is, you can’t objectify her but when it’s my ass we’re talking about—“

“Oh shut up, we all know you like it.” Red Hood interrupted.

Nightwing smirked, “I do.”

There was a long stretch of silence, long enough for Tim to look up to see Duke reading the sentence he’d have to read next. His eyes were wide and he turned to Jason. “Do... Do I really have to read this? Out loud?”

Jason laughed, “Yep. This is what punishment looks like, buddy.”

“I— oh god. Please kill me now.” Duke whispered, before straightening up and turning to face Bruce. Oh. “Batman is such a daddy. And I don’t say that because he has seven kids.”

Bruce gaped, “I’m sure you can do better.” He managed out after a second.

They all cackled, even Damian and Cass.

“No, not another one.” Duke whispered, before turning back to Bruce. “I want Batman to bend me over a table.”

This time, Bruce seemed prepared. He smirked slightly, in the dangerous Bat-smirk way, before replying, “Yes, that’s typically a great way to put someone in handcuffs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here’s the rest of the thirst comments that had me dying:
> 
> “I want to see red Robin’s red robin.”  
> “I’d like to be the filling in a red sandwich.”  
> “Can Batman be my daddy too.”  
> “I want to spend a night with Wing.”  
> “I’m throbbin’ for robin”  
> “Spoil me spoiler”  
> “I want black bat to step on me”  
> “Steve Rogers May have America’s ass but Nightwing has the universes ass”  
> “Red hood can shoot me up any time”  
> “I kinda wanna become a criminal cause I really want a bat to Come and kick my ass”


	52. Disgrace! At the Disco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *stares out the window* is the weather aware that it’s May? And that it shouldn’t be this fucking cold out? Hm? 
> 
> (Also, I think the chapter title says enough about how much sleep I got last night)

“Woah woah woah, what do you think you’re doing with that?” Nightwing asked, warily eyeing the suit and scissors in Jason’s hands.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jason replied, picking up the scissors and running a finger along the fabric of the pants. “How much skin would you say you showed during your Robin era?”

“What?” Nightwing asked, bewildered. Then it caught up to him, “No no no no, do not ruin the timeless classic that is the Discowing suit.”

“Too late,” Jason said, and cut the fabric.

“No!” Nightwing lunged for the scissors, grappling with Red Hood for control of them, trying his best to keep the suit from being cut again.

But you see, Tim had planned for this. He knew exactly how Dick would react (there was a reason the Discowing suit sat in storage instead of being burned like it should have been. Dick refused to admit it, but he was emotionally attached to the suit). Which was why, Tim casually snuck up behind them with his own pair of scissors, and cut the other pant leg, right around the upper thigh. You know, to make sure that Dick is really pulling the booty shorts vibe when he puts this suit back on.

Tim grabbed the two pant legs and hurried away from where Jason was finally giving up his “fight” for the scissors. Poor Nightwing was none the wiser about the fact that he hadn’t actually managed to save his beloved monstrosity of a suit.

“The floor is lava!” Damian called from somewhere in the cave.

And suddenly both Nightwing and Red Hood were scrambling on top of the desk they’d been at, only for Nightwing to push Red Hood off. A grapple came out of nowhere and wrapped itself around Hood’s torso, hauling him up off the floor before the time ran out.

Red Robin was nowhere to be seen.

Black Bat was standing gracefully on top of a barbell, Signal had scrambled up into the hammock, Spoiler had already been safe, sitting in a chair looking at her phone. Batman was crouched... on top of the dinosaur trophy in the corner. As you do. (Keep in mind, this is a life size dinosaur that is kept in the cave. The only reason no one has climbed it yet is because it’s incredibly difficult for Alfred to clean and so they try to avoid getting scuff marks on it. Batman will probably be cleaning the dinosaur himself soon). Robin himself was lounging on top of a training mat, eating a granola bar with a smirk on his face.

Comments:

“How did I not notice the giant dinosaur before???”

“Wait wait what, how did Hood get saved?”

“Probably RR, he wouldn’t let his teammate be sacrificed”

“What... what were N and RH fighting over?”

“Scissors, clearly”

“But... you don’t just, fight over scissors unless something is about to get cut”

“Idk bruh”

“Robin looks so chill rn. I want that level of chill in my life”

“So,,, RR is just gone?”

“BB has yet to not be graceful. She is a Queen.”

* * *

“No.” Nightwing said, staring at the suit on the table. “I can’t believe you would disgrace my suit like that. That is punishment enough. I’m saying that was my full punishment.”

“No can do, Golden Boy. You see, your punishment is wearing the suit for 24 hours. The fact that we cut off the pant legs is just an added bonus,” Red Hood answered, as Red Robin held the suit out further.

“Go on,” Tim teased. “You’ll look marvelous. You’llgive all those people on the internet something to really thirst over.”

Nightwing glared at him, but that point seemed to win him over. “Just because the way this is cut is definitely going to highlight by butt doesn’t mean I’m not mad at you for cutting it in the first place.” He grumbled, taking the suit away. “24 hours, huh?”

“Yep!” The Red’s replied. “Once you’re changed, we’re going to start Steph’s punishment too.”

The devious grins on their faces should’ve warned him.

* * *

“Okay Spoiler, you fell into the lava twice, which means you have two punishments to suffer, but fortunately for you, we’re only going to do one for now. And said punishment is—“ Tim spoke, before pulling out a pair of handcuffs. “Being handcuffed to Nightwing for the next 24 hours.” And before either of them could get a word in edgewise, Red Robin was clamping the cuffs down on their wrists with experienced hands. “You cannot lock pick your way out, either of you. You must spend the full 24 hours handcuffed together. That includes sleeping, patrol, bathroom breaks, eating, etcétera. Yes, Nightwing will be wearing his modified Discowing costume the entire time. Next time don’t fall in the lava.” Tim finished explaining, kinda feeling like he was reading off a person’s Miranda Rights.

“That’s rich coming from someone who lost last year because he kept sacrificing himself to the lava.” Nightwing grumbled, holding up his arm to stare at the cuff before dropping it back down.

Red Robin chuckled, “And I am proud to say that I am the reason the punishments had to be introduced.”

There were some quiet chuckles from around the cave.

“And by the way, Damian, you’re being punished too. For the next 24 hours, you have to say yes to anything asked of you. Saying no will add an extra ten minutes to your time. Enjoy!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What would anti-hero tim drake wear? Would he make himself a new suit for field work? Would he follow Jason’s footsteps and wear some leather? Or is he just like, all of us in quarantine, just chilling on his couch with his laptop wearing a pair of boxers and a Welcome to Nightvale hoodie? Is he all three? Idk, help me out here guys


	53. Duke VS Jason VS Tim — Battle Royale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just me flexing on the fact that I know how to write fight scenes (and fighting in general I guess)
> 
> Here’s a quick overview of some helpful things to know before you read this:  
> Bō: It’s a bō staff, but I tend to shorten it to just bō because saying both is basically just repeating the word staff twice and that’s a lot of work  
> Solar Plexus: an area above the stomach and between the ribs. Getting hit there sucks ass because all the breath leaves your body and you’ll find it very hard to breathe for the next several minutes. 11/10 do not recommend. Not pleasant.  
> Femoral Nerve: It’s a nerve in your thigh. Getting hit there (properly) will cause your leg to give out and you will be in pain for several minutes afterward. Fun fact about getting hit there: the panic of having your entire leg give out from underneath you is like nothing you’ve ever experienced, you will be able to hear your heart beating with the terror of having your life flash before your eyes
> 
> And that was the author’s helpful guide to fight stuff. Don’t get hit in those places my friends, and certainly not with a bō because that will be like death itself, I promise, it’s happened to me, don’t do it.

Steph and Dick were on the floor. Why were they on the floor? Because Dick had tried to do a cartwheel, forgetting that there was an entire person handcuffed to him, and caused them both to face plant into the concrete.

And yes, it was a tik tok.

Comments:

“I believe that counts as an acrobatic fail”

“Does he just cartwheel everywhere?”

“Oooof, poor spoiler. She doesn’t deserve this”

“What is Nightwing w e a r i n g”

“It’s the Discowing suit, obvi”

“WHERES THE PANTS”

“there are no pants, he wants us to enjoy his glorious butt”

* * *

“Okay, so I think we should call it.” Steph whispered to Discowing.

“Agreed.” He replied. Dick and Steph were casually laying across the hammock in the ceiling, having gone through a complicated fifteen minute process to coordinate their limbs enough to jump up there, get in the hammock, and not have it flip over and dump them on the ground (that happened four times). But now that they were up there, it was comfortable. You see, the word “hammock” doesn’t really do Nightwing’s contraption justice becuase the thing was Massive. He’d taken probably the largest piece of cloth in the house, sewn the ends together (with Alfred’s permission and help) and then used his grapple to climb to the ceiling of the middle of the cave, which was known for being a dangerous spot to stand in because there were no safe spaces around for what felt like miles, and strung it up across the ceiling, effectively creating one of the only safe spots accessible if you were standing in the middle of the cave. Of course, you could try to sprint for the Batcomputer or the training mats, but even that was a stretch. It was much safer to yeet yourself up into the hammock.

However, hammocks flip a lot, so if there’s already someone up there, don’t try and join them no matter how desperate you are, because you will both be flipped out of it and find yourselves surrounded by boiling hot lava.

Which is why it took Dick and Steph fifteen minutes to get up there and stay up there. The hammock was big enough to fit maybe four people, but only three if Jason or Bruce with their massive shoulders are one of them. Two if it’s Jason AND Bruce. Five might be a possibility if it were Tim, Damian, Dick, Cass, and Steph because they all had lighter, slimmer frames, but no one was crazy enough to try and stick Tim and Damian in a confined space together.

While Steph and Dick chilled up in the hammock, chaos was occurring below them. More specifically, below and to the left, where the sparring ring was. It was Jason VS Tim VS Duke and no one was winning. Jason and Tim might’ve teamed up for the Floor is Lava (which, Dick tried to get Damian to do, but Damian had adamantly refused saying he “would not follow in Drake’s puny footsteps”) but the two of them would never consider teaming up in something as honorable as a Battle Royale fight.

They called it Battle Royale, no one was quite sure where the name came from, but Dick was pretty sure it came from Tim. Though, Dick was quite proud to call it the BATtle Royale. Cause you know, bats.

Anyways, the concept behind the Battle Royale fight was simple. Everyone is fighting Everyone. There is no teaming up, no safety. You watch your own back and hope that you can stand your own. And in this case, Tim currently had Jason on one side, throwing heavy punches at his, while Duke was on the other, throwing kicks and dodging attacks before they were even thrown. Tim was using his bō to lash out in both directions. And then the tides turned as Duke threw an escrima stick at Jason’s head, narrowly missing Tim as he did, and hit Jason square in the forehead, taking him down in one go.

The widening of Duke’s eyes was almost comical, but the way Tim’s head snapped back and forth, trying to comprehend what had just happen, was actually comical.

“GO SIGNAL!” Steph yelled from next to him.

Tim regained his composure and began attacking Duke with a flurry of blows that mimicked Dick’s fighting style, flipping around and using acrobatics instead of brute force. Meanwhile, Duke was using his meta power to predict Tim’s movements just enough to avoid them. But he was too busy playing defense to fight back.

On the other hand, Cass had stepped into the ring and was dragging Jason out of the ring, a smile on her face as Jason groaned and held his forehead.

“Now?”

“Now.”

“THE FLOOR IS LAVA” Dick yelled from the hammock. Duke and Tim immediately stopped fighting and sprinted towards the equipment nearby to climb. Jason was swaying as he pulled himself to his feet, but his recent hit to the head kept him from reaching safety in time. One down. Cass had taken the closest object and climbed it, said closest object being Jason. Jason merely grunted and sat down, letting Cass use him as an island. Duke and Tim were continuing their fight on the equipment they’d latched onto, flipping around it and throwing punches and kicks back and forth. The Battle Royale never ends.

Bruce was also safe, having been sitting down at the Batcomputer, all he had to do was lift his feet off the floor and keep typing. Damian been upstairs feeding the kittens (which were adorable by the way) so he wasn’t included in this one.

“Safe!” Steph called.

“Jason~” Dick cooed and he heard Jason roll his eyes, if that made any sense. There was a sound associated with the annoyance of an eye roll, and that’s what Jason was doing. “I’m afraid you didn’t make it out of the lava buddy.”

“I know. It’s because I got slammed in the head with an escrima stick.”

Duke was snickering across the cave, where Tim and him were still fighting. Dick watched as Tim switched styles, using Signal’s own fighting style against him this time. Duke got hit in the shoulder with the end of a bō, but managed to block the attack to his left side in time.

The thing about watching Tim fight was that Tim didn’t have his own style, but instead he mimicked everyone else’s style. Dick had seen him use Nightwing’s acrobatics, Jason’s brute force, Cass’s gracefulness, etc etc. It was all there, mashed together into one person who had learned it all. It was satisfying to watch, especially when you could pick out which family member Tim was imitating. Dick had even seen him copy Catwoman’s style a few times, and that sure was something. Dick supposed Tim’s bō work classified as his own style, perhaps in the way he combined that with everyone else’s fighting... whatever Tim’s style was, it was entertaining to watch. And even harder to fight.

After Tim’s time searching for Bruce and fighting who knows how many villains, he’d come back stronger and more confident with his skills, and it had been problematic for anyone who wasn’t aware of this change, because when Tim tried to win, he was terrifying.

On the other hand, Duke’s meta ability made it so that he could “see” a person’s actions before they happened, looking slightly into the future using the way light travelled. He’d been training harder with Bruce recently and it showed.

All in all, no one knew how this fight was going to end. All they knew was that currently, Tim was flipping back into the ring, bō at the ready, Duke following him with a smirk on his face.

With Jason out, something no one was really expecting because Jason never went out in Battle Royale fights, like, _never_ , it had turned the tides. Usually Jason’s brute force tactics could take down both of his opponents quickly. Dick had seen Jason simply drop all of his body weight onto a person before, and there was no returning from that. He’d even done it to Bruce, and Bruce hadn’t been able to stand or throw Jason off at all. In Battle Royale fights, Jason was the one to look out for.

But now that Jason’s was out, it had led to Tim going on the offense instead of keeping the defense, something he rarely did, and yeah, everyone was watching at this point. Even Bruce had left his chair to watch and Damian had joined his side, their matching intense gazes watching the spar before them. Cass had gotten Jason an ice pack for his head and sat next to him at the edge of the ring, watching.

In a way, fighting was a dance. In fact, Dick knew that in ancient times, sometimes fighting techniques were purposefully put together in a way that resembled a dance, with rhythms and repetitions and ways to hide the violence of the moves. Katas. And right now, watching Tim and Duke trade blows and step back and forth, almost in sync with each other, it was even clearer how fighting was just an elaborate dance.

“PUT HIM ON THE GROUND!” Damian yelled after Duke got in a solid hit to Tim’s solar plexus.

Tim stumbled back, going on the defense, trying his best to breathe again. It wasn’t working. But there was also a fire in his eyes that said that he wasn’t going to lose just because he currently couldn’t breathe in air.

And then Tim was switching styles again, and it took Dick way too long to realize what style he was using this time. It was a combination. Maybe... Bruce mixed with Lady Shiva? Whatever it was, the application was throwing Duke off and he couldn’t keep up. Heavy strikes with the bō followed by graceful twists and turns, watching Duke’s body language closely, to the point where it seemed like he was predicting Duke’s movements too.

This was a fight for immunity, and Tim was winning. And then Duke dropped, hitting the floor and spinning and holy s h i t, he was using his breakdancing moves against Tim, kicking his legs out from underneath him, causing Tim to hit the floor with a thud.

At this point Dick and Steph were both screaming. Damian was yelling at Duke to “HIT DRAKE WHERE IT HURTS” and Jason was calling to Tim saying, “COME ON YOU WEAKLING, THIS IS FOR YOUR _PRIDE_! YOUR _HONOR_! _THE COW_! GET UP!”

Oh no, not the cow.

Tim lashed out with his bō, striking Duke in the femoral nerve, causing Duke’s legs to crumple beneath him.

And then they were both on the floor of the ring, breathing heavily. Tense silence filled the air, everyone waiting to see who would stand first.

“Tie?” Tim asked, his voice shaking a bit from exhaustion.

“ _Please_.” Duke replied, holding his hand out to the side for Tim to fist bump. Tim happily returned it.

“NO!” Damian yelled. Tim and Duke both laughed.

“Too tired to try and beat him,” Tim said, spreading his arms and legs out so he laid spread eagle on the floor.

Duke laughed, “I don’t think I could stand even if I wanted to. Damn, Tim, I felt that hit in my heart.”

“Sorry,” Tim said sheepishly.

“It’s cool.”

“To be fair, I’m pretty sure I saw my life flash before my eyes when you swept my legs.”

Duke chuckled, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Damian get us some water.”

“And ice packs?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I’m gonna write a serious fight scene  
> Also me: THE COWWWWW


	54. How’s Steph Doing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Mother’s Day guys, if you’re celebrating that or whatever. My dad and I gave my mom some chocolates and a card and she loved them... once she realized it was Mother’s Day in the first place. I don’t blame her, time is a social construct and staying at home for weeks at a time is only further proving that fact for me
> 
> ALSO you guys gave some pretty hilarious ideas for Jay’s punishment and the problem is I can’t choose... so... um.... idk

Steph had one thing to say about this whole handcuffed-to-Dick-Grayson thing. It was... disturbing. First, the man didn’t even seem fazed by the fact that he was basically wearing a shortie jumpsuit that had a deep v-neck and generally terrible fashion in general. Second, despite the fact that he was wearing said costume, he had no shame while he continued to do everything exactly the same as before. And yes, that included casually doing the splits while he dropped a couple of puns. He smiled brightly and Steph was really wishing that said smile could actually be blinding so that she didn’t have to see the walking fashion disaster that was handcuffed to her.

Hanging out on the hammock while the Battle Royale was happening below them hadn’t been too bad, he mostly kept his distance, but this...

They’d finally reached the point where one of them needed to go to the bathroom. And the nature of Nightwing’s suit... specifically the fact that it was a jumpsuit and he couldn’t just pull the pants down and do his thing, was... truly the worst punishment Tim could’ve ever given her.

So here she was, standing in the bathroom, head turned to the side, cuffed arm outstretched, while Dick hopped around beside her, trying his best to get the jumpsuit off enough to use the bathroom.

That is, until he slipped and fell, bringing Steph down with him and oh for fucks sake—

She was done. More done with this shit than Duke. More done that Bruce. More DONE than anyone in this family combined.

If she EVER had to find herself with the side of her head on Dick Grayson’s thigh again, she was going to snap. Murder. No, worse. Ducks. She’d unleash ducks. No, worse. GLITTERY DUCKS. _GLITTERY MURDER DUCKS._

That was it.

She pushed away from Dick faster than she’d thrown her plate of waffles at Tim’s head when he’d added ghost pepper to the recipe, flinging herself across the stall, making the most disgusted sound she possibly could to make it clear to him that she never wanted to be that close to his crotch ever again.

He seemed to be in agreement, if the way his eyes widened and he immediately started apologizing was any indication.

Steph huffed, “Please just get this over with and end my suffering.”

“Right.” Dick said, standing and grabbing her cuffed hand to pull her back to her feet. She tried her best to ignore the fact that Dick was more or less naked next to her, the Discowing suit being stretched in several odd angles that left nothing to the imagination. Look, she was all about admiring the muscles of the men in the Bat family, and Dick was not excluded from them, but this was taking things a bit far—

“Sorry again.” Dick said sheepishly.

Steph rolled her eyes, “At least we got Jason the last time it was called. Now all that’s left is Tim. And then we can bring our revenge.”

Dick laughed, “I like the sound of that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Concept: Anti Hero Tim wears a trench coat (I’m thinking like, Dabi’s but longer and with red stitching)


	55. Jason Todd’s Cooking Lessons Are Important So Listen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *long sigh* do you know how fucking difficult it is to write when YOUR APOSTROPHE KEY IS BROKEN 
> 
> *huffs angrily* editing is something I actually HAVE to do now
> 
> Anyways, um.... somehow Anti Hero Tim went from really badass to Ra’s Al Ghul being Tim’s new father figure sooooo idk what happened there but I actually don’t hate it??? So I guess that’s a thing now

“Robin, stop harassing Tim.”

“But Father—!”

“Oh? Was that a no? Are you saying no to something Demon Brat?” Tim asked, a grin on his face.

Damian huffed, “Of course not. I was merely expressing my displeasure before I continue to do exactly what he said.”

Tim could see the way Bruce’s lips twitched, holding back a smile. “Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say.” Tim replied. “You know, I still hurt from that match, you should go get me a hotpack to relax my muscles.”

Damian growled before turning away and going to the medbay where they kept the heat packs. He made sure it was hot, but not too hot, despite how much he wanted it to burn Drake’s skin off, he knew that Father was right there too and that neither of them would let that fly. And then he returned to Drake, handing it over. “Thanks, Dami. You’re the best.”

Damian growled at him. If it had just been Drake or Todd doing this, it wouldn’t be too bad. Sure, they had him do ridiculous tasks, but there was only so much they could come up with in a 24 hour period. But no, it was the entire family. And it was hell.

“Hey Rob!” Gordon yelled from across the room. “I need some help over here!”

“Okay,” He sighed, walking over. All he had to do was make sure he said yes, despite how much he wanted to scream no, and then he’d be over with this by 8 AM tomorrow. But wow, he didn’t expect Oracle of all people to be using his punishment against him like this.

“Hold this,” She instructed. Damian held it. He looked around the cave, trying to assess who would call him next.

Todd and Thomas were currently building a massive pillow fort over by the Batmobile, and Damian could hear faint music playing from their direction too. It sounded like Queen, but he couldn’t quite make it out. Brown and Richard were currently struggling with their handcuff situation— Grayson was trying to convince her to play Sorry with him. She seemed to be trying to drag him upstairs for waffles. In the corner he’d just come from, Drake was lounging next to Father by the Batcomputer, discussing a case that Damian had been trying to listen to while simultaneously trying to cut off Drake’s hair because no one said he couldn’t do that. He’d failed, unfortunately, but it would have been funny if he’d managed it. Drake needed a hair cut anyways, he was starting to look more and more like a homeless person with each passing day. The bags under his eyes and coffee stained shirts didn’t help him any. Cain was on the salmon ladder, climbing it fast enough to that she was probably breaking Grayson’s record. Not that there was one...

“Okay, Dami, I’m thirsty, can you make me a banana smoothie?”

“...yes.”

* * *

Damian didn’t actually have much experience making smoothies. So here he was, standing in the kitchen, staring at the banana on the counter and the blender next to it, hoping that he’d seen Todd make enough smoothies in the last few weeks to figure this out.

He peeled the banana and broke it in half before placing it in the blender. Then he went to the fridge and hoped that Todd had gotten yogurt last time he went to the store (Todd was on grocery duty so they didn’t risk Pennyworth’s health), and Damian was happy to find a large container of Greek Yogurt marked “FOR SMOOTHIES ONLY DO NOT TOUCH OTHERWISE!” He took it out and also grabbed the cashew milk that was in the fridge (Cashew or almond were the only ones allowed in the house after the introduction of Batcow). He poured what he figured would be the appropriate amounts into the blender and grabbed the last ingredient he should need. Honey.

He remembered the one time Todd had attempted to show him how to make a smoothie, explaining, “Unless you’re doing a really fruity smoothie, you have to put honey in it otherwise it just isn’t right. Honey makes things perfect. Always.”

He blended the smoothie, totally not flinching when it started because the noise was louder than he remembered, and then poured it into a glass. Done. Oracle better like this smoothie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I miss a few days of updating (which I don’t plan to do, but you never know) it’s because my apostrophe key is giving me several mental breakdowns a day and um... the keyboard I use isn’t in stock on amazon and I really like this style of keyboard so I’m just going to suffer until its back in stock because I refuse to change keyboard types because I’m a little bitch like that


	56. Pillow Forts Are Valid, Okay?

“I dunno, I never really liked How to Kill A Mockingbird,” Duke said as he tied a blanket around the chair they’d brought over. “I mean, it wasn’t bad. I guess it’s just cause I had to annotate and summarize every page for school. Kinda ruined the story for me.”

“Damn, that would ruin it for anyone I think.” Jason replied. “It’s a good book though, but reading it for school and having to test on it and stuff would be pretty horrible.”

“Yeah, I mean I definitely saw how it could be a good book, but school ruined it. School ruined a lot of books for me actually. I think the only one I didn’t completely hate was the Outsiders.”

“OH!” Jason exclaimed, “I fucking loved that book!”

“If I hadn’t read it for school, it would probably be one of my favorite books ever.” Duke commented.

“I cried. I cried so hard. My copy probably still has my tear stains on it.” Jason told him, grabbing another blanket to help with the fort.

Duke laughed, “All my copy has on it’s pages is highlighter.”

Jason winced, “Oh god, they made you write in the books?”

Duke nodded solemnly, “I lost a piece of my soul each time that marker touched the page. But I got a 100 on the test so, that’s something.”

Jason chuckled, “Tragedy in the name of a 100, I can respect that. I used to have the highest grades in my class. Even my teachers thought I needed to chill.”

“Seriously?” Duke asked. He didn’t take Jason for the straight A’s type.

“Yeah, I had better grades than Timmy over there. Too bad I died before graduation, I could’ve been the class valedictorian.” Jason’s face hadn’t turned sour, but he wasn’t smiling like before either.

“Damn. I didn’t realize you were...”

“A nerd?”

Duke scratched the back of his neck, “Yeah.”

Jason shrugged, “Most people don’t. They see the leather and white streak and automatically pin me for a bad boy. Not that they’re wrong... but before all of the Joker stuff I was top of my class, I even had the main role in the school play.”

“No way! You’re a theater kid?”

“Through and through,” Jason grinned at him. “It was Romeo and Juliet too. I got to make out with the hottest girl in school on stage.”

Duke laughed, throwing his head back. “I wish I could’ve seen that.”

Jason kept grinning at him, “Oh you would’ve loved it. Alfred was in tears. It was my last play too, so I’m glad I got to be the lead. Who know I’d end up following my character’s path about a month later?”

“That’s amazing. I’m not really a theater kid, more of a film kid I guess.”

“That’s pretty dope though,” Jason responded. “Speaking of dope, I think our fort is officially the best fort I’ve ever made in my life.”

Duke nodded in agreement. You know, Jason might be, a murderer or something, but he was a cool dude once you got past the guns and leather and death jokes. He cooked, he read more books than Duke did— and that was saying something— and he acted. No wonder Jason always got assigned to undercover missions.

“Agreed. Should we make a rule that no one else can enter except us?”

Jason hummed, “Replacement isn’t gonna like that... our fort is kinda made of his bedding.”

“Oof. Us and Tim? We’ll make him pay rent.”

Jason nodded, “Perfect. I’m thinking $5 for entrance.”

“Agreed.”

“Makes up the ten dollars I lost to him a couple weeks ago.”

“Huh?”

“Oh, I bet Tim 10 bucks that Bruce would catch him and his tik tok account. He won. Obviously.”

Duke chuckled, “You two are insane. This is why I don’t stick around when y’all are here.”

Jason grimaced, “Probably for the best. There’s a reason I stay away from basically everyone except Replacement.”

Duke voiced his agreement before tying off the last blanket. “Done?”

“Done.” Jason confirmed.

“I call the left side.”

“Oh hell no. Left side is mine, buddy boi.” Jason growled. Duke narrowed his eyes.

“You gonna fight me for it?”

Jason hummed, “I think I will. Get in the ring.”

Duke jogged over to the ring, grabbing his escrima sticks. “Remember, I took you down in one hit last time.”

“That won’t happen again,” Jason promised. And even through the domino mask on his face, Duke could see that he wasn’t lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Riddle me this...” The Riddler raised the gun to the man’s head. “What has ten fingers but not ten seconds?”
> 
> “The answer: You.”


	57. Books Recommendations VS Hacking a Russian Mob

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What’s this? Dick and Steph are figuring out how to work together with their hands cuffed together? Oh no... is Steph training Dick in the art of quarantine pick up lines?

Jason got the left side. It was barely even a fight, to be honest. Tim yelled start and the next thing Duke knew, he had a full 260 pound man on top of him, not letting him breathe. Dick had laughed unashamedly at him when that happened. So yeah, Jason had the left side.

Now, the “left side” is an interesting term because the pillow fort was more like a small castle, and calling the left side was kinda meaningless, but that didn’t stop them. Jason crawled into the left side, a wide grin on his face, before he rolled onto his back and proclaimed, “Oh yeah, best pillow fort ever.”

Duke hummed his agreement, “So what’s your favorite book that you’ve read recently?”

Jason hummed, “Well I read a book called the Wicker King a few days ago, in that one the main character slowly goes insane and the pages slowly fade to black as he starts going crazy. It was a real trip and I guess I kinda connected with it, you know, as a previously insane person.”

“Damn, that shit sounds cool.” Duke responded.

“It was. You read anything good recently?”

Duke pondered it for a moment, “I’ve read plenty of books recently, but I think my top favorites are The Hate U Give and Monday’s Not Coming. Those were really memorable.”

Jason rolled over to face him, “I’ve read The Hate U Give, that was a good book, but what’s the other one?”

Duke considered his answer, “Uhm... it’s kinda hard to explain. Basically this girl’s friend, Monday, goes missing but Claudia is the only one who cares or seems to notice... and stuff happens except then things get really trippy and it’s... wack. That’s the only way to describe that book. Just fuckin wack.”

Jason chuckled, “So I should read it?”

“Uhm... do you still have any leftover triggers from the Joker stuff?”

Jason stared at him, “I carry a crowbar around and make jokes about my death, is that really a question? Also why would my previous death be a factor in this?”

Duke shrugged, “The book gets dark, dude. It’s really good though.”

Jason nodded, “Sounds like it’s right up my alley, I’ll add it to the list. Monday’s Not Coming, right?”

“Yup.”

“Great.”

“Knock knock,” Tim’s voice sounded from the outside of the fort.

“What’s the password?” Duke yelled, a smirk on his lips.

“Uh... I’m-Trying-To-Escape-Steph’s-Pick-Up-Lines-So-Please-Let-Me-In?”

The two inside the fort looked at each other, “Do you have have 10 bucks?” Jason asked.

“Uh...” Tim sounded slightly panicked, like he was looking behind him to see Dick and Steph approaching him with a barrage of bad pick up lines. “No, but I’ll hack into anything you want for you, and yes that includes the Pentagon. Fuck, they’re getting closer, please guys?”

They nodded, “Come on in then.”

Tim scrambled inside, laptop in hand. He crawled in the space between Jason and Duke, happily curling up like a cat. Jason chuckled and ruffled his hair. “Better?”

“Much, thank you.”

Jason looked up at Duke, “You know, this almost looks like we’ve got another person in our alliance, Timmy.”

Tim looked up to Duke, “Welcome to the club, my dude. In this house, we work together to sabotage everyone else, but in exchange we protect each other from harm. Unless a Battle Royale is going on.”

Jason glared at him, “I’m kinda salty about that, not gonna lie.”

Tim raised a skeptical eyebrow, “Don’t you still have immunity from the Jenga?”

Jason’s eyes widened, “I DO! FUCK YEA!”

They laughed, and then Duke leaned towards Tim, “So... what can you hack into?”

Tim fixed him with a look, “A better question is what can’t I hack into?”

“Hey Timmy?” Jason asked.

“Yeah?”

“How’s your Russian?”

Tim narrowed his eyes, “Not bad, a bit rusty. Why?”

Jason shrugged, “I got into an argument with some Russian mobsters a few years back, they were real assholes, I’d like to fuck with them some.”

Tim grinned, “I see... just out of curiosity... did you argue with said mobsters in Russian or English?”

“Russian, obviously. I insulted them in Japanese though.”

Duke looked at them, “Is this... is this stuff you guys do often?”

They both shrugged and nodded, “Basically.”

“So... Jaybird... where can I find these mobsters?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... can anyone tell me what sort of writing demon has possessed me to write this fic, update daily, somehow manage that (???), write the anti hero tim fic, and then wake up this morning and go “Its time I update the PJO Batfam crossover fic” like,,,, am I insane??? Like, what is this creatures name? Have I accidentally given it offerings? Do I need to give it more??? Was me sacrificing my apostrophe key what did it? Cause like, I’d kinda like it back, ngl


	58. This Chapter is just me badly explaining a card game I made up last summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! How has your morning been? I woke up to nine cows in my yard

Cass gently tapped Bruce on the shoulder. He turned to face her and she gave him a small smile. “ _Do you want to play cards with me?_ ” She signed.

Bruce looked to his case file, a problematic serial killer that had been causing problems lately (even during the quarantine), and looked back to his daughter. “ _Of course_ ,” he signed back.

She bounced a little on the balls of her feet before gesturing slightly for him to follow. He stood, stretching his limbs, and then followed. “What are we playing?” He asked aloud, because her back was turned towards him.

“A game Duke and I made up.” Cass explained, and sat down at the small table in the one corner of the cave that wasn’t often used. “ _Usually a four person game, but we condensed it into two_.”

“ _How_?” Bruce asked.

“ _Each player has double the cards, but still plays each group of thirteen separately. You have to be smart and not play against yourself._ ”

Bruce tilted his head to the side, “ _If one player has half the deck, then that defeats the purpose of the game._ ” He pointed out.

Cass shook her head, “ _No. Each hand is played separately, you know what cards they have, but not which hand the cards are in. You bet on your hands together too, so the other does not know which hand has which cards_.”

“Oh,” Bruce whispered. “ _Do you want to deal?_ ”

Cass shook her head and handed him the cards, “ _You bridge better. I like the sound._ ”

Bruce chuckled and shuffled the cards, making sure that the bridge was satisfying enough for Cass before beginning to deal. Four stacks of thirteen.

“ _Which do you want?_ ” Cass signed, gesturing to the piles now that he was done.

Bruce raised an eyebrow, “ _Letting me choose seems counterproductive_.”

Cass shrugged, _“Or you are just scared you will pick a bad hand._ ”

Bruce scoffed, “ _I am not scared,_ ” He signed, before grabbing two of the decks and pulling them towards him. Cass took the others.

“We can sort them now.” Cass spoke. “Do not mix your decks.”

Bruce nodded and picked up the hand on his left. “You never said what game this is modified off of.” He pointed out. He only knew a few games where the cards were dealt in stacks of 13, but still, it was best to check.

“Oh. Spades. Duke called it Spades 2.0.”

“I see. So in that case, the Ace of Spades is the most powerful card.” Bruce said, still not sure who had it. This hand didn’t, that’s for sure. This hand had the highest card of a whopping 7 of Spades. So either his other hand was packing a real punch, or Cass had all the good cards. He looked up.

Cass set down the hand she was currently looking at, putting them all face down, and then picked up her other hand. She looked through them before making eye contact with Bruce.

“Yes. And you have it.”

Bruce nodded, a smirk on his face, trying to make sure Cass didn’t read his body language and figure out that he didn’t know that until now. He set down his deck and pulled the other one up, and would you look at that? The Ace of Spades. He moved it to the back, where he preferred to keep his spades. Next in the line up was hearts. He had the Ace of hearts and the Queen. If he remembered right, his other hand had the Jack of Hearts, but not the King, and wow, Bruce could see what she meant by the game being more confusing than it seems.

“I bet 6.” Cass said. Six out of thirteen was simultaneously bold and conservative. So that meant she either wasn’t confident in her cards, or she was very confident and making it seem like she wasn’t.

“6 as well.” Bruce decided, placing the other hand down.

“ _When we play, you must keep the order of playing, as if there were four people at the table. You cannot pick whichever deck you want. I play my left, you play your left. I play my right, you play your right. You play left, I play right._ ”

“ _Understood_ ,” Bruce signed back. “ _Lowest club, like usual?_ ”

“Yes,” Cass said, and Bruce was glad because that was one of the hands he’d bid on.

Cass played a 2, Bruce played a 3, Cass played a 6, Bruce played a 9. She narrowed her eyes at him and he smirked as he took the cards off the table, put the four into a neat stack, and set them to the side. “ _That’s one of six,_ ” He smirked as he signed.

_“I know. Your play._ ” Cass replied.

Bruce chuckled and played the Jack of Diamonds. Cass played a two of diamonds. Bruce played a four of diamonds. Cass played the queen. She took the deck. “That’s one of six,” she told him.

* * *

Fifty minutes later (and five rounds later) Bruce had won. Barely. It had taken a wild move of betting LOW, meaning he was saying that one of his hands couldn’t win any points, but his other would cover it. That had been a risky move, seeing as he had the Jack of Spades in his low hand, and winning a hand with his low deck would cost him 100 points, but he’d pulled it off and added 140 points to his previous score, crossing the 500 point finishing threshold with just 8 more points than Cass, securing his victory.

She smiled at him, “ _That was risky. You did good._ ”

Bruce smiled, “ _You did too. Thought I was going to lose there for a minute._ ”

“Me too,” Cass responded. “ _Do you want to get food? Jason made sandwiches for everyone around round three_.”

Bruce nodded, standing. “ _Sure_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Case File Opened
> 
> Name: Jack Napier
> 
> Status: Alive


	59. The One Thing You Can’t Replace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyyyyyyy my computer finally decided to let me link things!!! I went back through all the previous chapters and made everything relevant into links and I’m also going to start adding some links to my favorite posts and stuff in the upcoming chapters :) 
> 
> For starters, I’m proud that [this](https://www.buzzfeed.com/benhenry/robert-pattinson-quarantine-interview-cooking) man is our new Batman
> 
> I spent a whole hour this morning reading articles like [this](https://www.thedailybeast.com/robert-pattinsons-viral-pasta-recipe-tastes-like-staring-into-the-void) and I was not disappointed 
> 
> Please, I’m begging you guys, take the time to read those two articles and then look me in the eyes and tell me Robert Pattinson’s cooking skills aren’t exactly what you’d expect from Bruce Wayne

“But Father!” Damian yelled, indignantly. “Brown cannot patrol with Richard and I!”

Bruce sighed, running a hand over his face. Was he really going to have to use Damian’s punishment against him? “Damian. Steph and Dick are handcuffed together for another 12 hours, and you cannot say no to anything unless you want more time added on. So I suggest you let Steph join you and Dick without further complaint, or I will happily let Tim add the extra ten minutes on. I believe you will be at twenty added minutes after that? Since you had time added on after refusing to apologize to Tim for painting his skateboard neon pink with ducks on it?”

Damian huffed, “He deserved it.”

“I don’t care if he deserved it or not, I’m just asking if you want Tim to find out that you just said no to letting Steph patrol with you.”

“I did not say no! I just... don’t see why we can’t uncuff her for patrol. It would be highly inefficient to have the two handcuffed together, especially if there’s a problem in the field.” Damian explained.

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose, “I understand that Damian, but a punishment is a punishment, especially during the Floor is Lava Week. If I fell in the lava and had to do everything while wearing blindfolded as my punishment, I would still go through with it, and you have to as well. If something goes wrong in the field, Dick and Steph are more than capable of handling themselves, and you will be there to help them as well, right?”

Damian grunted, crossing his arms. “I see. Fine. I will not try to dissuade you further.”

“Thank you.” Bruce replied, “It won’t be as bad as you think, I promise.”

“Hmph, I am quite sure it will be infinitely worse.” Damian replied, before turning away to get his katana for patrol.

* * *

It had taken most of the day, but Steph and Dick had figured out a System. Also known as, how to move like functioning human beings instead of faceplanting into the floor.

But that didn’t mean it was foolproof. Which meant they just had to hope for a quiet patrol.

But when do they ever get what they want?

“HEY!” Nightwing yelled, tugging Spoiler along behind him as they chased after the robber. It took Steph a second, but eventually she caught up and matched his pace. Damian was right behind them, katana brandished.

The robber kept running, a sack draped over his shoulder. Dick didn’t know what the man had stolen, only that he knew the man he was chasing wasn’t supposed to have it.

This would be so much easier if he weren’t handcuffed to a person.

“Robin!” He yelled behind him. “Take the next alley and cut him off.”

Robin nodded and bolted off.

“What’s the plan, ‘Wing?” Spoiler asked beside him.

“Just cut him off, get whatever he took, return it, and bring him to the GCPD.” Nightwing answered, throwing a wing-ding at the man, slicing his calf. The man stumbled, limping now, but kept running.

“Got it, but I meant with the handcuff situation.” Spoiled replied. “Cause we didn’t exactly go over fighting protocol.”

Dick sighed. Both of their weapons were meant to be two handed, which meant that fighting was going to be difficult. Their balance was already thrown off by the fact that they couldn’t separate from each other further than five feet, which meant that right now, Damian was the only one with full mobility.

“We’ll have to improvise. Let Robin do most of the fighting and we’ll be the distraction.”

“Got it, Wing.”

The robber rounded the corner and skidded to a stop when faced with a small and angry looking Robin. “How—“

“Can it, Rob.” Nightwing said.

“Wait how do you know my name?” The man asked, bewildered.

Nightwing paused, “Uh...” Was this guy’s name seriously Rob? He was a robber and his name was Rob? “Because I’m psychic.” He said, and then flicked his free hand just slightly, giving Damian the go-ahead.

Damian rushed forward while the man was still too confused to fight back, and cuffed his wrists, before kicking the man’s knees, pushing him down on the ground forcefully.

“Now,” Nightwing strolled forward and Steph matched his pace. “What was so important that you just had to break into a closed building and steal from them?”

The man shook his head, tears welling in his eyes. “Please, I’m sorry, I just really needed it.”

Nightwing opened the bag.

Wait.

“Seriously, dude?” Spoiler asked, unimpressed from right next to him.

“What did he steal?” Robin asked, voice serious.

“Please,” The man begged. “You have to understand—“

“Rob, buddy. I get that this shit is like liquid gold right now, but what—“ Nightwing pulled out a roll of toilet paper. “—the actual fuck?”

Rob collapsed into tears, “I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t go without toilet paper for any longer.”

Nightwing looked to Spoiler and then back to Rob and then to the toilet paper roll in his hand. He laughed, “You couldn’t _go_ , heh, get it? He couldn’t _go_ without toilet paper?”

Spoiler rolled her eyes, “Real funny, Nightwing. That doesn’t even make your top ten puns.”

Dick smiled, “Okay, Rob. Let’s get you down to the GCPD. Your sentence will probably be pretty light, but you did break into a place and steal things, so that’s still a felony. You know your Miranda rights?”

The man nodded, “I’m sorry...”

Robin rolled his eyes, “Are you really crying over toilet paper?”

“Now now, lil bird, toilet paper is a perfectly honorable thing to cry over.” Nightwing said, before reaching with his uncuffed hand to haul the man to his feet. “Lucky for you, the GCPD has plenty of toilet paper.”

“How do you know?” The man asked quietly, sounding scared.

“Uh, well... if they don’t I’ll make a toilet paper donation just for you, ‘kay?”

“Okay...” Rob said.

The three (is it three if two people are handcuffed to each other and therefore count as one unit?) of them took Rob to the precinct, strolling through the front doors like they owned the place (it wouldn’t be THAT hard to buy the GCPD right? A couple million? Easy peasy).

“Heyyyyyy! Officer Miller, I got a ROBber for you.” Nightwing happily cooed. He could hear Robin’s exasperated sigh next to him.

Officer Miller cocked his head to the side, “Uh... why are you handcuffed to Spoiler?”

Nightwing looked at the cuff and laughed, “Oh you know, just a good old fashion punishment. Us Bats take the Floor is Lava very seriously.” He noticed Robin placing a piece of paper on the ground under his feet, stepping on it carefully. Dick raised an eyebrow.

“The floor is lava,” Damian nonchalantly announced, voice loud enough for the five officers working in the precinct to clearly hear, along with Nightwing and Spoiler.

In seconds, Nightwing and Spoiler had performed one of the moves they’d been working on, a front flip, onto the closest desk, working so in sync that the flip itself probably could have been a tik tik.

Robin was safe on his piece of paper (how a piece of paper would save you from lava, Dick didn’t know, but he didn’t make the rules). Two officers had climbed their desks, obviously being in the know as to how serious this situation was, but the other three (and Rob), were still on the ground.

“WhAt aRe YoU dOiNg?!” Officer Spencer yelled. “THE FLOOR IS _LAVA_! MOVE!”

Officers Miller and Casey seemed to get the memo, bolting into action to get to safety, but poor Officer Gustin and Rob were left to die in the lava.

“RIP,” Nightwing said. “Can we punish police officers?”

Spoiler shook her head, “It’s their first time, we can’t punish them yet. The shame of falling in the lava is punishment enough as it is.”

Robin huffed, “I seem to remember being the one to call it. By that logic, I get to decide their punishments.”

The two who hadn’t survived looked very worried.

Damian sighed, “But unfortunately I agree with Spoiler. Do not fail next time.” He growled the warning/threat at them. Rob gulped, terrified. “Safe.”

Dick and Steph jumped back down to the ground. “Anyways, as I was saying, Rob here was robbing a closed building of its toilet paper.” He gestured to Spoiler, who was still holding the bag of stolen tissue, and she handed it over. “Here go. Evidence or gold, take it how you want.”

Miller nodded, still looking slightly panicked from his experience of almost dying in the lava. “Uh thanks. Have fun with your quarantine.”

“Will do. Don’t forget to social distance!” Nightwing called to them as he and Spoiler left, Robin following behind.

* * *

Comments:

“They called it on police officers, I’m dead.”

“So were two of them”

“Nightwing and Spoiler looked so fucking cool, I wanna be that cool”

“Nyooom!”

“Some of those police officers get it, others clearly don’t”

“That front flip is a life goal honestly”

“The cops are weak. How do you not know to get out of the lava?”

“Yessss bring the cops into this”

“No one is safe”

“Fuck da police if you know what I mean”

“I can’t tell if you’re referencing John Mulaney, the song, or if you’re saying that that police officer is hot”

“Its obvi all three”

“—and my friend John who is now a father, this man has a baby, he grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground, and yelled S C A T T E R”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NM: you should try to make the pasta sandwich  
> Me: I am not going to make the pasta sandwich  
> Me: ....Because I don’t have any cornflakes, I checked already
> 
> ALSO, [here’s](https://justthatonegirl1815.tumblr.com/post/618200398030831616/hello-welcome-to-my-new-blog-which-i-have-made) a link to the new tumblr I made specifically for my ao3 stuff :)


	60. Unus Annus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written in celebration of my Unus Annus merch coming in, I’ve never been so happy in my life to receive a t-shirt and hoodie

“I can’t believe you just did that,” Duke half whispered, eyes wide. “You guys scare me.”

Jason laughed a laid a heavy hand on Duke’s shoulder, “All in a day’s work, Duke. All in a day’s work. Speaking of a day, how are we gonna end this one?”

Tim perked up, “I have an idea. But we need everyone. Well, maybe we can leave demon brat out of it... but everyone else.”

Jason raised an eyebrow, “What else do you need?” Look, Jason knew his brother, and when Tim started planning something, Jason knew the first thing he should do is go with it and get Tim whatever he wants. Questions come second. Maybe third. Or fourth. Depends on how much coffee Tim has had.

“Hmm... I’m gonna need to connect my laptop to the projector. Is there an HDMI cable I can use?” The answer was yes, because these are the Bats we’re talking about, they have a dinosaur in the batcave. If they don’t have an HDMI cable, that’s just sad.

“I’ll get it.” Duke offered. “What exactly are we watching?”

Tim chuckled and looked at Duke with the darkest, most terrifying expression he’d ever seen in his life, “Remember, you must die.”

And then he blinked and crawled out of the pillow fort.

* * *

“We live our lives taking each second for granted—“

Jason looked over at Tim, automatically knowing what this was. Tim grinned and pointed back to the screen where a hypnotic swirl pattern filled the screen.

“—but what would you do if you knew how much time you had left?”

Jason saw the way Duke looked around, confused. Dick didn’t look much better.

“This channel, much like all of you, has a limited amount of time.”

“Not if you’re Alfred,” Steph casually added.

* * *

“Unus Annus”

* * *

“Why is the first real video called Cooking with Sex Toys?”

“Because, that’s the best way to start a legacy.”

* * *

“Wait wait, didn’t we just watch this?”

“Nono, that was The Good Kind of Cupping. This is the bad kind.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

—

“The WoRsT KiNd?!”

* * *

“Why is this starting out like a horror film?”

“I mean, the video is titled Ethan Will Be Kicked in the Balls so I think the theme fits.”

“True.”

“Dick, they’re beating you with the dick jokes and your name is literally a joke. That’s sad.”

“—The tube doesn’t fit through the door so they’re going to the attic and will throw it down to me.” Ethan said, looking worried. The “attic” opened, which honestly looked more like a forbidden garage in the sky.

“That is NOT an attic!” Damian proclaimed.

* * *

There were several points where Tim had to pause each video because no one could hear the audio over the laughing. Yes, even Damian. And Bruce. There was no escape.

* * *

“mArk! I’m aFrAid.”

“You should be.” Jason said.

* * *

“This is just two straight dudes being gay for a year straight isn’t it?”

“Yeah basically.”

* * *

“Wait wait, is he shooting him anytime Mark says the word on the paper?”

“Yes.”

“wait wait wait—“

“Jason nO—“

* * *

Nightwing stood at the front, where a table sat in front of him, a pan of brownies sitting on it. Spoiler was still handcuffed to him, standing just to his right. Red Hood stood behind them and slightly to the left, holding a gun and standing next to him was Red Robin, who had a white board and marker.

Red Robin quickly wrote down, “Nightwing” and Nightwing paused, eyes going wide at the sound of the marker hitting the white board. He took a deep breath, “Hey guys, Nightwing here—“

_Ptk_.

“OW!” Nightwing yelled, bouncing a bit to try a relieve the pain. “RIGHT IN THE HEAD? HOOD, REALLY?!”

Behind him, Red Hood laughed. Red Robin quickly erased the word and replaced it with, “Brownies.”

“So anyways—“ Spoiled picked up. “Today ‘Wing and I will be reviewing some of Red Hood’s brownies—”

_Ptk_.

The camera showed Spoiler getting hit right in the spine with a paintball, before she dramatically fell to her knees, dragging Nightwing with her.

They both laid on the floor in agony, both having been hit in the first thirty seconds. And it’s not like Hood was a merciful shot either.

Eventually, they both got up. By the time they did, Red Robin had erased his white board. Currently nothing was on it.

“So anyway...” Nightwing began, body tense, bracing to be hit again. “Uh... Hood made these sometime recently. I was about to take one—“

“Even though they were clearly mine,” Hood added.

“Yeah, except Red Robin stopped me to force us to binge watch Unus Annus videos on YouTube and Hood decided he’d let us try a few if we agreed to the paintball aspect so...” Nightwing trailed off and gestured to the brownies. “I guess this’ll be a short series of videos or something... uh, so Spoiler, you wanna go first?”

In the background, Red Robin wrote down, “*something along the lines of a mmmm.*”

Spoiler tensed, before slowly grabbing the brownie, eyes obviously moving to glance behind her in apprehension. She took a bite.

“Uh... its... mm, really good—“

_Ptk._

“AAAOOOOOWWWW!”

Red Robin quickly erased his word and replaced it with, “Spine?”

“Are you okay?” Nightwing asked. “He hit you right in the spine—“

_Ptk_.

“Fuck! Hood! Stop that!”

Jason laughed. “I’m just the trigger finger, Golden Boy. Replacement here is the one providing the words. And you guys are the ones saying them.”

“Then stop knowing what we’re gonna say!”

* * *

“So anyways—“ Ptk. Nightwing winced, “That was our review of Hood’s baking skills. I’d say the brownies were definitely worth the paintball shots. What about you?”

Spoiler, who had a large paintball spot on the side of her face, grumbled, “Highly debatable. I don’t even know how he managed some of those shots... but the brownies were good I guess.”

In the background, the two Reds laughed and high fived each other.

“Oh by the way,” Hood spoke up. “It’ll kick in soon. Have fun.”

* * *

Comments:

“UNUS ANNUS UNUS ANNUS”

“what will kick in soon”

“I feel so bad for laughing”

“Oooof poor Wing and Spoils, don’t hurt themmmm”

“Nightwing said the fuck wordddd~”

“can you guys just recreate as many unus annus videos as humanly possible”

“would they delete them when the channel gets deleted?”

“yes”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The og](https://youtu.be/sDZlN7XIz1A)


	61. The Floor is Lava finally went Wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting real now. Remember, this isn’t just a game, this is a competition, and both Bruce and Tim are playing to win.

“What will kick in?” Dick said, shoulders tense.

“Jason-“ Steph cut in, dragging herself and Dick towards Jason. Dick stumbled behind her, tripping over his own feet.She looked around, noticing that the room seemed to be spinning slightly, “Did you drug the brownies?”

Jason chuckled, shrugging. “Timmy stopped Dick from eating the brownies earlier, it’s only right that I teach Dickiebird here why Tim told him it was a bad idea. I think he needed to learn his lesson.”

Steph groaned, “I didn’t try to steal your brownies.”

Jason laughed, “Nope. But that’s part of being handcuffed to Golden Boy isn’t it? Hey Damian, go eat a few of those brownies.”

Damian stared. “No.”

Tim gasped, “WoAh, I think that’s twenty extra minutes now.”

Damian huffed and turned away, eyeing the brownies warily. Jason happily grabbed one and took a bite.

Tim shook his head, “I can’t believe you drug your brownies because the Lazarus Pit side effects keeps them from affecting you.”

Jason waved a hand, “It’s not that they don’t affect me, it’s just lessened. So like, instead of getting absolutely whipped, I get a nice buzz. Like you and caffeine I guess.”

Tim considered it before turning to Dick, “How you feeling?”

Dick stumbled a bit, “Wonder... oooh.” Dick looked at Steph’s suit. “Purrrrrpleee...”

Jason cackled, “My favorite thing is that the drug I use tends to affect everyone a bit differently. Brain chemistry stuff I guess. Dickie here seems to be getting loopy. Spoils just looks tired.”

Tim nodded, “In that case, the floor is lava.” And then he ran halfway across the cave and leaped onto Bruce’s shoulders, clinging onto the man’s cape like any good Robin is well trained in. Bruce grunted before pulling himself up onto the desk, Tim still latched onto his shoulders.

Red Hood, on the other hand, had also taken the opportunity to cross the entire cave, decking Black Bat before she could react and using her as an island. He wasn’t being mean, it’s just that Cass is the hardest to get out during these things (except for Dick last time, who had been so incredibly determined to win that he’d gone as far as tasing Bruce and using Tim’s tendency to sacrifice himself to the lava to use them both as islands. Dick had been a force to be reckoned with last time, but Jason and Tim had made sure that wasn’t the case this time around. But Cass... they had to take her out so she couldn’t win).

Duke then completed the last part of their plan, lunging towards Bruce’s legs to take him out. With Tim throwing off Bruce’s balance, it should have worked, but what they hadn’t accounted for was Bruce sticking his leg out instinctively and kicking Duke in the face.

Dick on the other hand, was attempting something along the lines of running, except then he tripped over his own feet (due to a lovely combination of the drugs and the fact that he was still handcuffed to Steph) and face planted into the floor.

Spoiler had taken two steps and promptly passed out, hitting the floor hard enough that it would undoubtedly leave a bruise. Her weight dragged Dick down with her.

Robin was crouched on top of the giant penny, watching, wincing asthe chaos unfolded around him.

“Safe,” Tim called, quicker than usual, scrambling off Bruce’s shoulders to check on Duke’s nose, which was bleeding profusely. Batman looked mortified.

“Are you okay?” Bruce asked, kneeling down next to his son.

“Mhm jus’ great...” Duke mumbled. “Think you broke my nose.”

Batman glared at Tim, “Get him some tissues and an ice pack.”

Tim got up, looking sheepish, before jogging to the medbay.

Meanwhile, Jason was asking Cass if she was okay, to which she smiled and signed, “ _That was good, I wasn’t expecting it. You are heavy.”_

Jason chuckled, “ _Sorry if I hit you too hard. You are very good at this game._ ”

She nodded, “ _Are Dick and Stephanie okay_?”

Jason turned to see them both passed out on the floor. “They’re fine.” He decided. “You get Steph and I get Dickiebird?”

Cass nodded.

Meanwhile, Damian was still crouched on the Penny, looking at the aftermath of that round with wide eyes.

* * *

Comments:

“Woooooooow. Batman’s cooooold”

“This game is kill or be killed”

“Poor spoiler looks like she’s gonna take a year long nap”

“Robin is a mood”

“He looks like he’s judging them”

“He should be”

“IS SIGNAL OKAY?”

“F in the chat for like, all of them”

“FFFFFF”

“f”

“F”

“ffffff”

“HOW DARE YOU DISGRACE BLACK BAT LIKE THAT”

“survival of the fittest my dude”

“no”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here’s](https://komadoriwonder.tumblr.com/post/151620403939/watch-me) the post that made me fall in love with Tim Drake. No one asked for it, but I think it’s important anyways.


	62. Albinoni – Adagio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain said write something peaceful so here we are with this chapter, which is some weird mix of angst and fluff + Damian’s violin skills because I realized I haven’t written anything about that and that’s a problem
> 
> [Here’s](https://youtu.be/Nl6samrZt5s) the song he’s playing if you want to listen along. Or you can save it for the late hours of the night and listen to it while staring up into the darkness like I did, your choice

The rest of the fifth night was peaceful... mainly because half of the family were knocked out due to either drugs or injuries.

Jason and Tim were lounging inside the pillow fort, talking about who knows what (probably murder plans or something). Bruce was sitting down on one of the pillow masses turned makeshift couch, reading a book. Babs was sat at the Batcomputer, editing quietly. Cass was asleep peacefully, as was Duke (whose nose had been carefully bandaged). Dick and Steph were still completely passed out. And Damian was playing his violin in the corner of the cave, Titus laying at his feet, the notes of his violin so soft and gentle that they gave everyone else in the cave a small, sleepy smile.

Damian flipped through the pages of his music, trying to figure out what he wanted to play next. A title caught his interest... Albinoni Adagio. He set his violin on his shoulder, chin in position and drew the bow across the strings, moving his fingers to create a rippling sound on the strings. Gentle. Calm. He closed his eyes, not needing to look at the sheet to know this piece. He knew it by heart.

Sometimes when he played, he could remember moments in his life that the piece brought out in him. His mother’s rare but gentle smile. Richard leaning his head down on Damian’s shoulder, mumbling quiet jokes and stories of the past in a tired tone, his voice slurring the words somewhat.

The pace picked up before slowing dramatically, and he pulled the bow across the strings slowly. Slowly...

Father’s approving nods and tiny smiles, the way Drake would pull his hair back into a low bun as he worked, a tired expression on his face, yet seeming completely content with what he was doing.

The notes dipped down low, filling the cave with gentle grace before returning to high notes that pierced the air in a way that made his heart swell.

Todd’s cooking and the way his hid how much he cared. Cain’s delicate rotations and steps as she danced.

The notes slowed, dragging, long and low. The feeling it brought could only being described as melancholy. He remembered the first time he’d played the piece for someone, seeing a tear slide down his mother’s face. When he’d asked what was wrong, she’d simply explained melancholy to him and told him to keep playing. He ignored the rest of her tears.

The note ended and he lowered his bow, a pause, a moment to reflect, he looked out over the rest of the cave, seeing faint light coming from the pillow fort by the Batmobile and Gordon carefully editing what looked like a compilation. Father was on the couch reading, though Damian could see the way his head was titled slightly in Damian’s direction. Listening.

He picked his violin up again, placing his head on the chin rest. He drew the bow across the strings again, playing the notes of the song with something that he had once been told was an inner passion. A feeling inside you that made the notes flow, that made the piece more meaningful to both the violinist and the listeners. In Damian’s opinion, it wasn’t always an inner passion, but more an inner peace.

A smile graced his lips as he played on. High notes that seemed to sit upon mountaintops, gazing out, passionate yet kind, dipped down into low notes, turning inwards, deep and meaningful.

Brown’s gentle fingers pushing back the locks of her hair, smirking like Richard would oh so often. Pennyworth’s kind nature yet fierce loyalty. Thomas’ nervous ticks, fingers gracing over his hair and teeth biting into his lip.

His notes became soft yet again, smooth, quiet, the kind that brings tears to the eyes of men. Damian opened his eyes to see that Father had set his book down, listening completely now. Drake and Todd weren’t whispering quietly anymore, and no more soft light came from the pillow fort. They were in peace too, listening to the flow of the music in the cave. Gordon had leaned back in her chair, giving up on editing, instead listening to the rhythm and flow of the notes through the air. He closed his eyes again, focusing back on the piece that always felt like it owned a piece of his soul.

Part of him likened the way his bow slid over the strings to the way his katana sliced through the air, gentle yet dangerous— to the soul or to the body— but the other part likened it to the ebbs and flows inthe way Richard moved or Cain danced. Graceful, flexible, perfect in every way. There was something soulful about watching them, seeing how their bodies reached and turned and twisted and made each movement, each ripple of muscle or stretch of skin seem like it was a work of art. Part of their souls.

He knew Grayson’s eyes would be shining with wonder if he were awake now. Grayson’s eyes always shone.

He found himself swaying slightly as he pulled and pushed the bow, feeling its rhythm, its vibrations on the string, the way the sound resonated in the hollow structure of the wood before being released to the world. It was almost like a person’s emotions, swirling before releasing, careful and kind yet capable of such harsh tones.

Lows and highs, faster then slower, dipping in and out of each tone the notes gave, shifting, moving, forming into something beyond words. The way the notes sounded in his ears or on the tips of his fingers was different. It wasn’t a sound as much as it was a feeling.

His mother’s smile again, replaced by Grayson’s.

He could feel the way Richard would search him out in a room, calling him “Dami” with a playful grin. Little did Grayson know that Dami could be translated to “my blood” in Arabic. To Damian, the name had always meant more than Richard realized, for his brother was saying that Damian was part of him. His blood, his very life force.

Damian had never felt that sort of love before.

He’d never known how to handle it.

The notes pushed further, rising up to powerful, passionate heights, pulsing through the air in fiery heat. And then they were dipping down, slowing, dragging out the sensation of anger longer, longer, longer... until it was something of hopelessness.

His notes were soft, softer than they’d ever been when he played before. He wondered if the others could even hear it. But these notes weren’t for them... were they? No, these were for Damian himself, the gentle cadence of the notes bringing out the most important feelings in him, the ones he hid or the ones he knew not how to respond to. The feeling of love and warmth, affection and praise. Being treated kindly for no reason at all.

The notes picked up, low, deep, feeling like they were coming straight from his soul. They bounced off the walls of the cave, reverberating through the air. Part of him wanted to ignore that the reason he chose to act like he hated most of his family was because they were kind, they accepted him without hesitation. He didn’t have to prove himself, but that was all he knew. The other part of him could only feel the notes pulsing along his finger tips, begging him to let him family know that he cared as well. Even Drake...

The note rose high, before falling quieter, quieter, quieter, dragging on far longer than it was supposed to because Damian didn’t want to take the bow off the strings.

He did, opening his eyes slowly. Everything in the cave was still the same, no one had moved. Then Father turned, giving Damian a smile and a nod and Damian beamed. He turned, lowering his violin and taking the string cleaner, cleaning the strings of the instrument before he placed it in its case until next time.


	63. Jason Memelord Todd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys don’t understand how long I’ve been waiting to do this chapter, like, I’ve been meaning to write this since before I even started posting this fic

They made it to dawn without someone screaming the floor is lava, which was probably because everyone in the cave was still fast asleep by the time the sun rose. Yes, even Tim. He’ll deny it, but Damian’s music made him sleepy and he fell asleep right after the song had finished.

But there was one person in the cave who had continued to work well into the morning hours of the night. Barbara Gordon, who, with a devious smirk on her face, had composed two oh-so-perfect compilations.

* * *

The first began with a simple title, “Red Hood’s Best Moments”

...whatever that meant.

The first clip started with a front facing camera, which showed the impassive Red Hood helmet, yet there was something about the way it was set up, that even without being able to see his face, it was clear he was about to do something he shouldn’t. Red Hood stood in a living room, a large one but mostly edited and blurred to hide what it really looked like. On the couch, sat Red Robin, but his suit was edited on.

Red Hood slowly raised an arm, gun in hand, pointing it to the ceiling and— bang.

Red Robin jerked, scared, his entire body convulsing to a point where he fell off the couch. His foot hit a glass cup on the table, sending it flying, clang, clang, clang—

“THIS IS WHY DAD DOESN'T FUCKING LOVE YOU!” Red Robin yelled, pointing angrily at Hood. Hood was clearly trying to reign in his laughter (it wasn’t working).

The next scene was a rooftop, overlooking the city. It was clearly a video taken months ago because there were actually cars on the street for once. And oh look, people! They exist? Wow.

Red Robin was near the edge, pointing occasionally, detailing plans of a mission. Meanwhile, Red Hood was sneaking up behind him. It’s unclear who was filming, only that they didn’t try to stop Hood from raising a leg and yelling, “THIS. IS. SPARTA!” And kicking Red Robin square in the back, sending him careening over the edge of the building, a scream on his lips.

The next scene started with a building exploding, as all things should. Red Hood was strolling casually away from the fires, a proud smirk on his face. His helmet was in his hand.

“Red Hood what did you _do_?” Batman asked, glaring between the explosion and his son.

“My best.”

The next shot was grainy and poorly lit, but it was clear enough to show Batman standing in front of a large WW2 tank, hands at his sides in what could only be described as defeat. “Hood get out of the tank.”

A helmeted head popped up from the top of the tank, “You’re not my dad.”

Batman pointed to his right, “Get out of the fucking tank I am your Dad!”

“You’re not my dad!”

“I am your Dad,” Batman yelled, pointing again. “Get out of the ta—“

“I’M IN A TANK AND YOU'RE NOT!” Hood yelled.

Batman pulled out a phone, “HEY I WILL CALL AGENT A IF YOU—“

“I AM LITERALLY IN A TANK AND YOU'RE NOT!”

“GET OUT OF THE FUCKING TANK!”

Hood laughed and it could only be described as mischievous, “You’re not my dad.”

“Literally get out of the fucking tank.” Batman responded, pointing at the ground.

“You can tell me to get out of the tank but I don’t give a fuck,” Hood said, before his head dipped back down, hiding amongst the metal of the tank again.

“SToP, get out of the tank!” Batman responded, sounding more exasperated than he was before.

“No.”

“Okay,” Batman replied, leaving.

* * *

Comments:

“Edgelord? I think you mean Memelord.”

“I AM LITERALLY IN A TANK AND YOU'RE NOT... well, that’s legit I guess”

“That okay was the most defeated dad thing I’ve ever heard”

“That “my best” is me, all the time, every day. Just... my best.”

“Red Robin was savageeeee at the beginning”

“yeah and then he got this is sparta-ed off a rooftop”

“Seems Bats and RR are the only two that have to suffer Hood being a lil shit, but how would Nightwing react?”

“He’d probably join him”

“WE’RE LITERALLY IN A TANK AND YOU'RE NOT”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [THIS IS WHY MOM DOESN’T FUCKING LOVE YOU](https://youtu.be/AkKiLaxXjAA)
> 
> [THIS IS SPARTA](https://swanqueenfeathers.tumblr.com/post/166522997716/just-saw-hood-sneak-up-on-red-robin-and-yell-this)
> 
> [MY BEST](https://lynxdre.tumblr.com/post/165863080819/birdsgoflying-something-blows-up-bruce)
> 
> [GET OUT OF THE TANK](https://youtu.be/VDzAyiRyOMo)


	64. Red Robin Sleeps But Only In Weird Places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya know, I do actually listen to your suggestions, it just takes me forever to actually write them

The next compilation was titled, “Red Robin Falling Asleep in Places He Shouldn’t be Sleeping” and began as all videos should, on a rollercoaster.

Red Robin sat next to Nightwing and Spoiler on a roller coaster, and while the other two were having the time of their lives, screaming and whooping in joy, Red Robin’s head was dipping down... eyes closing... and he was out.

The scene cut to show the rooftop of Gotham Precinct, where Batman and Red Robin were talking to Commissioner Gordon. And then halfway through the conversation, Red Robin starting swaying slightly... and then he fell forward onto the Commissioner’s shoulder, fast asleep. Gordon looked up at Batman, who sighed, “I guess Hood just won that bet.”

The next scene showed Red Robin draped over the hood of the Batmobile, sleeping. The video zoomed in on Red Robin’s face, which was squished against the ridges of metal on the Batmobile. Whoever was filming snickered.

The next video showed Black Bat carrying Red Robin away from an explosion, the boy draped over her right shoulder in a fireman’s carry. Nightwing, the person holding the camera this time, ran up to the pair, looking worried.

“Woah what happened? Is he okay?”

“He’s fine,” She responded. “He punched Scarecrow in the face and then fell asleep.”

Nightwing gaped, “He... what?”

“He fell asleep. When was the last time he slept?”

“Uhh, Tuesday?”

Black Bat tilted her head in confusion, “Yesterday was Tuesday. He shouldn’t be this tired.”

“Yeah... oh... he meant last Tuesday didn’t he?”

The two vigilantes stared at Red Robin in something that looked like disappointment mixed with awe.

* * *

Comments:

“LaSt tUeSdAy?”

“How do you... fall asleep... on a ROLLER COASTER”

“Wait wait do they bet on when RR is going to sleep next?”

“Commissioner Gordon... is his hair as soft as it looks?”

“Yes. It is.”

“holy fuck the commissioner of Gotham is on Tik Tok”

“Can Black Bat carry anyone like that or does RR weigh as much as a peanut?”

“Probably both”

“Definitely both”

“BATMAN YOU HAVE TO MAKE THIS CHILD SLEEP”

“Imagine how good he’d be if he actually got sleep... like he’s one of the world’s best fighters when operating on 2 hours of sleep a week... imagine if he got 8 hours a night”

“so what you’re saying is the lack of sleep is the only thing keeping him from being better than Batman”

“yes”

“Red Robin Protection Squad”

“make it fanart”

“BB, RH, and NW get the first three shirts”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, I won’t be posting tomorrow. Why? Because exams   
> (Wish me luck I haven’t actually studied, I heard open note test and decided screw studying) (in hindsight that probably wasn’t a good idea...) 
> 
> Anyways, [here’s](https://ifunny.co/picture/v-spidymans-do-you-ever-just-stop-and-think-about-XQwU6ZoS4) the post that made me fall in love with Jason Todd, see you guys in two days :)


	65. The Sins of Thy Father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Idk what happened with the chapter title today, but at this point my chapter titles could be an entirely separate book and frankly I’d probably still read it)
> 
> Sooooo... my exam... good news: it didn’t matter that I didn’t study because I got the essay question about the Mongols and I knew what I was talking about... bad news: NM is angry because she did not get the question about the Mongols

When Bruce walked into the Cave that morning, he honestly wasn’t expecting most of his children to be awake. Even more so, he wasn’t expecting Tim to be the only one still asleep. And even better, Stephanie seemed to have dragged him outside of the pillow fort...

...and with Tim being the only one still asleep, not in the safety of blankets, and Jason being nowhere in sight...

“The floor is lava!” He yelled.

Stephanie, who had been in the middle of braiding Tim’s hair (yes, while he slept. She’d already gotten to Dick apparently if the small braids in his hair were anything to go by), leaped up, not even taking the opportunity to use Tim as an island, and jumping up onto the Batmobile, crouching there instead.

Duke, who had been inside the pillow fort, popped his head out, eyes wide. He seemed to realize the time and relax, before seeing Tim, who was waking up. “TIM!” He yelled.

Tim, now having been yelled at into alertness, scrambled for the safety of the blankets. The worst part was that he actually made it. Barely.

Hmph. 

Cass and Dick had been on the other side of the Cave, doing yoga together, and were safe on their mats. Damian had been petting Titus, and had jumped on top of the Batcomputer. He was now coaxing Titus closer so he could keep petting him.

Bruce had sidestepped to the railing, where he was now sitting on the metal, watching.

And Jason...

“FUCK FUCKETY FUCK!” Screaming came from the locker room. _Crash, bang, crash_. “MY SHAMPOO!”

Bruce heard Dick snicker, “He was in the shower?”

Duke nodded, “He was working out before you woke up. Something about needing to be strong enough to carry the weight of his sins.”

“SCREW YOU BRUCE!” Jason yelled from the shower. “CALL IT SAFE!”

Bruce chuckled, “Safe.”

“THANK FUCK!” And then there was more loud thudding coming from the locker room before Hood stomped out, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist and his Red Hood helmet. “You really had to call it while I was in the fucking shower didn’t ya, Batman?”

Bruce chose not to respond. If he thought the thirst comments were bad before, than the comments after this one would be something else entirely.

“Made me drop my fucking shampoo and I almost fucking died trying to scale the walls of the shower, because you just _had_ to be an asshole.”

“Language,” he reminded. Batman could see the faces of his children behind Hood, trying not to laugh. He rolled his eyes, thankful for the white lenses. “Go put some clothes on, Red Hood.”

Red hood flipped him off before stomping away to either finish his shower or change.

* * *

“*whistles* damn”

“He is a blessing from god himself isn’t he”

“Is no one going to talk about the scar that looks like an autopsy scar running down his chest or...?”

“Red Hood in a towel is the one thing I never thought I’d get to see but I’m so glad I did”

“How the hell did Bats keep a straight face?”

“The beeping out of Red Robin’s name probably didn’t do justice to how panicked Signal probably sounded tbh”

“Nightwing looks beautiful today”

“They all look beautiful what are you talking about”

“true, this family is more physically gifted than the Kardashians and thats a fact”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m gonna say it.  
> I have never related to a man more than when JackSepticEye said “that number doesn’t make any sense to me. I mean, the numbers on the channel stopped making sense quite a while ago because I can’t imagine THAT amount of people.” And while he was talking about having 24 Million subscribers (read: friends) I am only talking about the people on here who have read this fic, kudosed here, or commented, like... wow. Thank you for all the love and support here. I know I haven’t really said much regarding kudos count and comments but it really means a lot to me to see that you guys love what I’m writing and want me to keep going.  
> 


	66. Hero Billboard Chart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *eternal screaming* hi, yeah, uh, was anyone gonna tell me that the author of literally the best Dami x Jon fic in the world has been reading this fic since chapter one or was I just supposed to find that out yesterday when scrolling through my emails? Hm?  
> Yeah, uh, here’s about how THAT situation went:  
> Me: *sees Chimie_Chat in the comments*  
> Me, ten minutes later: *going through my emails to delete them and sees Chimie_Chat there too for his update on [A Classic Cold Brew](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14473473/chapters/33434604)*  
> Me: *Stunned panic* waIT—

“Okay, so lets talk punishments.” Jason said, sitting down with the rest of the family. “A lot of people failed yesterday. Cass, you’re up for a punishment. Dick and Steph, Tim has decided not to punish you seeing as you were drugged and the paintball hits were punishment enough. I’ve activated my immunity from the Jenga game, so I’m clear from Dick and Steph’s wrath. Cass, you still have immunity from the go fish game on day one and can use that if you’d like. Duke, you were also taken out yesterday and you don’t have any immunity either. However, based on family vote we might null your punishment seeing as your nose is broken. Did I forget anything?” Jason turned to Tim.

Tim nodded, “Yeah, you forgot the we still have Steph’s other punishment saved up.”

Steph groaned, putting her head in her hands.

“Anyways, Duke, we now decide your fate...”

Everyone except Duke, closed their eyes.

“Uh... all in favor of clearing me?” Duke asked.

Tim, Jason, Dick, Bruce, and Cass raised their hands. Stephanie and Damian still had them down. Duke sighed in relief, “Great, I’m clear.”

Damian rolled his eyes, “Unfortunate. Your punishment last time was nowhere near as bad as the rest of ours.”

Duke shrugged, “Broken nose, remember?”

“Tt.”

Cass spoke up, “I’d like to use my immunity.”

“Great, next order of business.” Tim began again. “Rankings...”

Tim typed a few things on his wrist computer. A screen popped up for everyone to see.

“So, tied at first place for not dying in general are me and Bruce. That means that one of us has to get out in the next 48 hours for someone to officially win the game. Neither of us have taken or won any immunity bets either, which in hindsight, I probably should have done.”

Bruce grumbled something about winning a card game but not thinking about making it for immunity.

“Tied in second place are Cass and Jason, both having died once in the lava but both having used previous immunity to save themselves from punishment.”

The two of them nodded at each other.

“Third place is Dick with one death and one punishment. Fourth place is Duke with two deaths, one punishment, and one nulled punishment. Fifth place is the gremlin, and in last place is Steph, who has somehow managed to die three times.”

“Screw you,” She responded.

“So the next 48 hours should be used to even out all of the scores into proper places. First through Eighth.” Jason surmised.

“Also, Steph, your next punishment is to only be able to use your left side for the next hour. No walking with your right foot, no using your right hand. Have fun.”

“That’s honestly not as bad as I thought it would be...”

Cass shook her head, signing, “ _Just wait until he calls it and you have to run somewhere. Then you will not think it’s a kind punishment._ ”

Steph’s eyes widened, “Oh...”

* * *

“Drake. I challenge to a contest for immunity.” Damian announced. Now that got everyone’s attention, especially Bruce’s, who was not being challenged and still very much wanted to beat Tim and win this entire thing.

“Oh?” Tim asked, not looking up from his phone. “You do know I can kick your ass, right?”

Damian chuckled, “Unlikely. But no, I’m challenging you to see which one of us knows our brothers better. You answer questions about Todd and I will answer questions about Richard.”

Tim raised his gaze slowly, contemplating the options. “So like, what Jason’s favorite color is versus Dick’s?”

“Hmph, it would be far more advanced than that. We both know what their favorite colors are.” Damian replied, crossing his arms.

“Okay... so it’s like the newlywed game but with our family members?”

“I’ve no idea what that is, but yes.” Damian continued.

Tim sighed, putting his phone aside. “It’s like, we sit back to back with the person we’re answering questions about and someone asks us questions and we write down the answers on whiteboards so that there is no cheating.”

Damian hummed, “Sounds like you’re interested.”

Tim looked around, seeing how everyone in the Cave was watching them. He needed this immunity, especially if he was going to beat Bruce. “I am. Get the white boards, gremlin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, happy birthday to jeanette9a down in the comments, I would have written your request as a proper chapter, but like,,, I write my chapters in advance so....  
> But alas, that will not stop me.
> 
> ——
> 
> *Somewhere in Gotham*  
> *More specifically in Arkham Asylum*
> 
> Some inmates were allowed to leave their cells. Joker was not one of them, he was forever stuck in a straight jacket (at least until his next escape). But in the cafeteria, one could easily find people like Jonathan Crane, Edward Nigma, Harley Quinn, Oswald Cobblepot, and Poison Ivy. And Harley... oh Harley... see, she’d stolen one of the guards phones... and now... 
> 
> “YEET!”
> 
> They all howled in laughter watching the gun go off on the screen, coupled with Red Hood’s clearly shocked expression. 
> 
> Riddler bounced around the room, muttering a riddle or two before looking up, a mad expression in his eyes, “The Bats and the Birds are having fun, so why can’t we?”
> 
> ——
> 
> Somewhere out there in the abyss that is tik tok, there is a poorly filmed video of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy doing cartwheels out the door of Arkham Asylum, guards chasing after them, only to be yelled at by Riddler, “THE FLOOR IS LAVA!” 
> 
> And who were the guards to not avoid the lava?


	67. The Brother Game? The Damian Knows Way Too Much Game???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I refuse to assign a sexuality or a specific ship to any of the fam because I want that to be up to the readers since there’s way too many ships in this fandom and I don’t want to offend anyone (or have to write relationship tags). I will not do it. Romance or sexual orientation of the fam is not the point of this story and therefore I refuse to talk about it.  
> Also me, two minutes later: Jason Todd is pansexual and you can fight me on this

Dick and Damian sat back to back in two chairs, Jason and Tim next to them. All four held white boards markers. Dick and Damian had blue markers while Jason and Tim had red ones, a detail that had been very subtly added by one Barbara Gordon.

Meanwhile, Spoiler and Signal were prancing around the four, a list of questions in their hands. Black Bat and Batman stood off to the side, watching carefully to make sure there was no cheating.

Spoiler turned to the camera, which was being operated by Oracle, who had decided that a real camera instead of the suit cams would be good for this. “Welcome! Robin has challenged his Red counterpart to a game of who knows their brother better! Let’s see how well the former dynamic duo know each other and how well Team Red know each other! Hint: I don’t think this’ll go well.”

Signal snorted, “Not with the questions you wrote down.”

Spoiled cackled, “Alright, contestants. First question for you two Robins. We’ll start easy. What’s the other’s favorite food?”

Red Robin scoffed, rolling his eyes before he began writing. Nightwing and Robin finished writing at the same time and Red Hood... well he was writing something very long.

“Okay, times up. Robin, what’s Nightwing’s favorite food?”

“Cereal,” Robin replied. Nightwing nodded, turning around his board to show that cereal was written on it.

Spoiler clapped. “Alright, Reds. What do you have?”

Red Robin turned his board to show, “Its either something incredibly fancy and probably Italian or its chili dogs. No in between.”

Hood turned his board, “Osso Buco alla Milanese” and then at the bottom, in tiny writing, it said, “Or chili dogs, I like chili dogs too.”

Signal gaped, “How did he actually get that?”

Nightwing leaned over to look at Hood’s board, “What even is that?”

Jason rolled his eyes, “Nothing you would like, Mr Cereal-is-the-only-valid-food-in-existence.”

Nightwing frowned, “Hey! I eat other food. Just because I can’t cook a better steak than Gordon Ramsay doesn’t mean I don’t know food.”

Hood laughed, looking directly at the camera, “This is the part where he tells us that as the oldest brother, he does know how to cook.”

“I do know how to cook!”

“Eggs don’t count.”

Nightwing reached over and slapped him, “You know, if you ever actually came over for dinner I’d make you food, but you’re too busy being a dramatic little bitch to come visit me.”

“Yes I am.”

“Uhhh...” Red Robin cut in. “Aren’t we supposed to be answering questions about you guys, not listening to you argue?”

“Agreed,” Robin added.

“Good point,” Nightwing said. “Spoils, give us the next question.”

“Right...” She said. “Uh, what’s the other person’s favorite place to patrol?”

They all wrote down their answers pretty quickly. “Okay, Reds you go first this time.”

Tim turned his board, but didn’t read it aloud, instead he just smirked, “He thinks he doesn’t have a favorite place to patrol but the truth is he likes to pace Crime Alley angrily because that’s where all of his angst originates from.”

Red Hood turned his board to show, “I don’t have one.”

Spoiler started laughing, “Uhh... does that count?”

“Why, what did he say?” Hood said, reaching around behind him and snatching the board from Red Robin. He read the words on it, his facial features shifting under his helmet before he threw the board back at Red Robin, “Fuck you!”

Tim laughed, “It’s true though, right?”

Jason huffed, “Yeah, it’s true.”

Nightwing laughed, “He’s not pulling any punches is he?”

“Alright Robin—“ Signal cut in. “Show your answer.”

Robin turned his board to show his neat handwriting, “He likes to stand on the rooftop of his favorite ice cream parlor in Blüdhaven.”

Nightwing turned his to show, “Favros Ice Cream Parlor.”

* * *

“What was the other person’s first kiss?” Steph sing songed.

Tim gaped, “How the fuck are we supposed to know that?”

Meanwhile, Jason was laughing, “He’s not gonna get this.” Hood shook his head, writing down a quick description.

“I swear to god if its Talia...” Tim whispered, writing down his own answer.

Meanwhile, Damian and Dick had both already written down their answers. Nightwing looked at the camera, “He’s not gonna know this either.”

Damian scoffed, “I do know it.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Okay,” Steph said. “Let’s start with the Reds this time. RR?”

Red Robin turned his board around and read out, “That one girl he kissed in the school play.”

Hood turned his board around, “Mickey. The alley behind the shitty Irish pub thats in the east end. I was nine.”

“Woah! RR’s finally lost a round!” Signal exclaimed.

“I told you he wouldn’t know it,” Hood said.

“Why were you kissing people in alleyways when you were nine?” Wing asked.

Hood shrugged, “I was drunk.”

“Why were you drunk when you were nine?!”

Red Robin turned around in his chair, “Okay but the girl in the school play was the second one right?”

“Uh... yeah I think so. She was better to be honest. Maybe it was because she was wearing cherry flavored chapstick.” Hood replied, casually wiping away the writing on his board. “So, Golden Boy. You gonna tell us your first kiss?”

Nightwing and Robin both held up their boards. Nightwing’s read, “Some girl in middle school. Forgot her name to be honest. We dated for like two days.”

Robin’s read, “It was Sandy.”

Spoiler and Signal looked at each other, “Uh, Nightwing, can you confirm Robin’s statement?”

Nightwing looked shocked, “Uh... yeah, actually I think that was her name. How did you...”

Robin didn’t respond, he simply smirked at the camera and erased his board.

* * *

“What was Hood or Wing doing on this day eight years ago?”

Nightwing made a face that generally said ‘how am I supposed to know that? I don’t remember what I did two days ago!’ But wrote down his answer anyways.

Hood on the other hand, was counting with his fingers, looking up at the ceiling. He finished and nodded and wrote down his answer too.

“Okay, Blues you’re up first.” Signal said.

Nightwing turned his board and said, “I was probably on a date with Starfire.”

Robin showed his board, “He was on a date with Starfire.”

“How are you getting these?” Dick asked, confused.

Damian shrugged, “I didn’t challenge Drake to this game for no reason.”

Tim rolled his eyes, despite knowing that he had missed two questions while Damian had missed none.

“Okay... Reds?” Signal continued, turning to the other team.

Red Robin read off his board, “He was dead.”

Hood nodded, “Yep, I was dead.” He turned his board to show a crappy drawing of a stick figure in a coffin with an R on his chest. “Fun times.”

* * *

“Who was the last person to walk in on the other naked?”

Nightwing paused, “Uhhhh...” and then he wrote down his answer, although it seemed hesitant. Robin had already written down his answer and was sitting confidently with his board in his lap, smirking over at Red Robin.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Because you’re losing.”

“Fuck off.”

“Okay, Reds you’re up first.” Spoiler said.

Tim and Jason showed their boards.

“Me.” Red Robin’s read.

“It was him.” Red Hood’s read.

A pause.

“Can I please hear that story?” Signal asked quietly.

Hood shrugged, “Not much of a story, it was four AM, idiot comes prancing into my room with some theory about Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn needing to get together, and I angrily kicked him out of my apartment.”

Tim sighed, “And to this day I am still pretending that there wasn’t someone else in your bed.”

Hood smirked, “You do that, bud.”

Signal cringed, “Okay, next. Rob?”

Robin showed his board, “Batman.”

Nightwing slowly turned his board, which also read Batman. “How do you know this? You were with the teen titans at the time.”

Robin shrugged, “I know everything.”

They all shuddered.

“Moving on...”

* * *

“What was Wing or Hood’s worst encounter with a police officer?”

A pause. Tim burst out laughing while Nightwing put his head in his hands, “Do not. I am begging you. I don’t want to hear this again. Please...”

Meanwhile, Hood had started writing. Furiously.

He was still writing when everyone else had finished.

“Ummm... Red Hood? You done there?”

“No,” Hood growled.

“Okay, well while he’s writing... Blues?”

Damian turned his board and read out the words, “He got shot.”

Dick paused, “Uh, yeah. I did. I landed behind and newbie and he shot me. Commissioner Gordon looked torn between laughing and yelling at the guy. I bought the kid ice cream after though cause he looked mortified.”

Hood was still writing.

Red Robin turned his board, which helpfully said, “He’s gonna angrily rant about Officer Grayson.” He didn’t read it aloud. They just waited for Hood to confirm or deny this statement.

Hood finished, throwing his marker across the room and standing up, “Now lemme tell you guys a thing about this absolute _dick_ wad of a man named Officer Grayson—“

Spoiler started laughing. In the corner, Batman was also reigning in his laughter. Nightwing looked highly offended.

“—you know what, he isn’t even a man. He’s the incarnate of cowardice. An absolute buffoon. Dude doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up. I would shoot him if he hadn’t been raised in the goddamn circus and somehow knows how to fucking dodge bullets!”

Hood paced angrily, “Dude bought me donuts one time and asked if we could talk! Do I look like the talking type? NO! I use guns and anger and I swear to god if he talks to me like he’s my brother or some shit ever again, _I will not hesitate bitch_. I’ve killed mob bosses before. Officer fucking Grayson doesn’t scare me.”

“You done?” Red Robin asked.

Hood huffed, “Yeah I’m done.” He sat down.

“Great—“

“And one more thing!” Hood stood again, fist clenched. “He has a file on me! It’s not even a particularly impressive file. Does that bitch know that I’m not here to fuck around? I am ac r i m i n a l. He needs to up his fucking game.”

Red Robin chuckled, “I’m sure that Officer Grayson only has a small file on you because your charming personality keeps him from wanting to arrest you.”

“Fuck you!” Hood smacked Red Robin’s head.

* * *

“If the other wrote a book about this family, what would it be called?”

Red Robin laughed, “Oh that’s easy.”

Meanwhile Nightwing was drawing something complicated on his board. Robin didn’t seem concerned.

“Reds?”

Red Robin turned his board. “Something with an obscene amount of cussing.”

Red Hood turned his board. “Fuck My Family and Fuck Living: A Shitty Autobiography by Red Hood.”

Nightwing laughed. “I’d actually read that.”

“Me too, to be honest,” Signal added.

“Blues?” Spoiler asked. Robin turned his board to show, “Something detailing his mission to hug everyone here into submission.”

Nightwing squinted at his before turning his board. On it, he’d drawn a picture of Nightwing hugging all of the Batfam members, with the words, “Ten Times I Hugged My Family and the One Time They Hugged Me Back.”

Damian scoffed, “No one here hugs you back, we just accept that we can’t escape.”

Nightwing looked ready to cry. Red Robin stood and walked over to his older brother, wrapping his arms around him. “Unlike the gremlin, I actually love my family very much.” He glared at Robin, who only huffed.

Meanwhile, Nightwing was clinging onto Red Robin’s shoulder’s, whispering, “Why don’t you guys love hugs?”

“We should probably stop here,” Hood spoke up. “He’s getting all sappy and at this point shortstack isn’t gonna lose. Congrats, Demon Spawn, you get immunity, _yayyy_.”

Damian inclined his head, standing. “Yes I do. Drake has clearly proved that he is the inferior brother.”

“Hey! I’d like to see you answer those questions about someone other than Dick! I bet you don’t know who my first kiss was!” Tim responded, voice muffled by Nightwing’s shoulder.

Robin paused, “Hm, that’s because I don’t care who your first kiss was, Drake.”

“So you do care!” Nightwing piped up, ripping himself from his momentary depression in Tim’s embrace.

“I do not—“

“ _Awwwwweeeee_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY
> 
> HEY
> 
> IF YOU GUYS ARE INTERESTED IN THE ANTI HERO TIM YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AT [THIS](https://justthatonegirl1815.tumblr.com/post/619015518433738752/justthatonegirl1815-works)


	68. Batman Cooks Blindfolded While Red Hood Guides Him Through FaceTime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: “yeah I usually edit my chapters“  
> Also me, looking at the 3,113 word count on this chapter: “but not today“

“Bruce I have a terrible idea.”

“No, Jason.”

“If you don’t completely fail you get immunity.”

“...I’m interested.”

“It requires you blindfolding yourself and taping a phone to your eyes.”

“And where did this idea come from?”

“...Unus Annus.”

“No.”

“Please, it’ll be great. Plus you might be able to beat Tim.”

“Aren’t you and Tim on a team?”

“Yeah but that implies that you won’t completely mess this up, which I’m 99% sure you will.”

“I’m Batman, I don’t mess anything up.”

“Oh yeah? Then why am I here?”

Bruce grunted, “What exactly am I doing?”

Jason grinned manically, “Tim’s going to escort you to the kitchen and you’re going to blindfold yourself and tape a phone

to your forehead so I can guide you through making an omelette. If its edible and not a complete fail, you get immunity.”

“It’s like Ratatouille!” Dick piped in from the other side of the Cave where he was currently dancing with Cass.

“...that implies Jason is a rat.”

“Yes it does,” Jason said proudly.

“Fine.”

“YES!”

* * *

Five minutes later, Bruce was standing in the kitchen, completely blindfolded and at the mercy of Red Hood’s instructions.

“So have you ever made an omelette before?” Hood asked. He was currently FaceTiming Batman from the pillow fort, Signal sitting next to him, while Batman was upstairs, attempting to cook. Red Robin was sat at the island where he could film from an outside perspective and also provide aid if Batman set the kitchen on fire or anything. Red Robin was totally not having flashbacks to the video specifically saying not to do this at home.

But they were the Bats and when did rules ever to apply to them?

“No, I haven’t.” Batman grunted.

“Okay, thanks for being honest, B. What have you made before?”

“...coffee.”

“...Is that it?”

“A bagel.”

“Just one?”

“...yes.”

“Oh god, this is gonna be a disaster. Do you even know where we keep the silverware?”

Batman hesitated for a moment before pointing to his left. “There. Second drawer on the right.”

“That’s actually correct.”

“I have set the table before.”

“Really? I’m impressed.”

“Are you done?”

“B we haven’t even started yet.”

“I meant with judging how little time I spend in the kitchen. I fight crime, not make omelettes.” Batman replied. Red Robin was trying not to laugh, because Bruce was just standing there, arms limp at his sides, arguing with the guy who was communicating through a phonetaped to Bruce’s head. It didn’t matter if Bruce actually managed to get immunity, Tim was the real winner here because this. _This_ was peak comedy.

“Definitely not. First you need eggs. You know where the eggs are?”

“The refrigerator.” Batman replied, and turned around. He took a few steps before pausing. “I am facing the refrigerator, right?”

“Yes you are, congratulations you have spatial awareness. Two more steps and you’ll be there.”

Batman took two more steps and felt around for a moment before opening the refrigerator. A pause. “Are you going to tell me where the eggs are?”

“Oh, I just thought because you’re Batman you would know something like that.”

Bruce growled, “Well I’m sure they’re right in front of me, but seeing as several other things are as well, it would be much easier if you just told me. That is the point of you guiding me, right?”

“It is, but I thought Batman worked alone.”

Bruce huffed, “Well I try to, but somehow I keep adopting children that make it their personal goal to keep me from doing that. For example, this exact situation.”

“I dunno, B. I’m pretty sure you’re the one who invited me back for quarantine.”

Batman rolled his eyes, “You don’t actually want to cook, do you? You’re just trying to prove a point.”

“Bold of you to assume I can’t multitask.”

“So you are trying to prove a point.”

“Maybe.”

“And what point would that be, exactly?” Bruce asked, finally giving up and just reaching into the fridge. He knocked a few things around, but finally found the carton of eggs. He brought it back to the counter.

“That Batman can’t always work alone.”

“I know that already.”

“I wasn’t done.”

Batman didn’t respond. He just opened the carton of eggs and waited for Red Hood to finish.

“The bowls are to your right.”

Batman moved to his right and fiddled with the cabinets, still waiting for Jason to finish.

“Right. I’m trying to prove a point. See, Replacement pointed out a thing a few years back. Batman needs Robin. But I’ve come to a further conclusion. Batman would be dead as fuck without the rest of us but he refuses to admit that he actually loves us and needs our help.”

“I have Agent A. I would be fine.”

“False.”

“True.”

“Nope. For example, you just opened the wrong damn cabinet. The bowls are to your right and up, dumbass.”

“Language.”

“Oh yeah? Says Mr Get-Out-of-the-fucking-tank. Hypocrite.” Jason taunted.

Bruce finally grabbed the bowl and returned to the island where the eggs were waiting.

“We were on a mission. You were busy playing around in a tank.”

“A World War Two tank, thank you very much. It’s not like you ever let me drive the Batmobile. I had to improvise.”

“You could’ve asked.”

“I did ask. Everyone has asked. Even Black Bat. You’re just overprotective of your toys.”

“It’s not a toy.”

“ _Sureeee_ , and I didn’t have a crush on Zuko from Avatar the Last Airbender.”

Tim spit out his coffee.

Batman shook his head, “Fine. I don’t want to argue about this anymore. Can we just make this omelette?”

“So you admit that the Batmobile is a toy.”

“Definitely not. I just admit that I’m not going to argue with you over your crush on an animated character.”

“Hey Hood,” Tim piped up from the background. “Did you know that ATLA is gonna be back on Netflix soon?”

“Wait seriously?”

“Yeah. All three seasons.”

“Holy fuck. We’re binge watching it. All of us. The second it’s available.”

Tim laughed, “I’ll be there.”

“Like you have a choice.”

Bruce huffed, “Can we please make this omelette?”

“Okay okay, fine. What do you want in your omelette, assuming it is edible?”

Bruce made a face that was the equivalent of _why wouldn’t it be edible?_ “Cheese.”

“Wow. Just cheese? Such a white person.”

“What does that— never mind. Bell peppers I guess. Maybe some onions. Ham is good too.”

“I see, so we’re making a big omelette for a big boi.”

“I am not—“ He sighed, defeated. “Sure. Big omelette. Where’s the peppers?”

“In the refrigerator,” Jason replied confidently.

Bruce grunted, “Well now I know that if I ever end up blind on a mission and need someone to lead me through it, I am not asking you.”

“As if I’d help you on a mission. I only came home to see Replacement. He’s the only decent human being in this family.”

“Bold of you to assume I’m still a human being,” Tim spoke up.

Silence.

“Good point, with as much coffee as you drink I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re just sentient caffeine now.” Jason decided. “Ay, B, turn left 90 degrees, four steps forward, there’s the fridge.”

Bruce did that, he opened the fridge, and he waited.

“Look down, I can’t actually see anything except the top shelf, which is unfortunately devoid of alcohol.”

Bruce looked down, mentally wondering where the fuck he went wrong with this child. (Probably somewhere around the letting him get blown up by the Joker part.)

“Okay, open the second drawer.”

Bruce leaned down and felt around for the second drawer. Ha, found it. The power of touch. He opened the drawer and waited.

“Now just reach in there until you feel the peppers. They feel pretty different from other vegetables so you should be fine.”

Bruce sighed, “Can I have Signal explain this to me instead?”

“What, you don’t like my directions?” Jason genuinely sounded hurt.

“I think Duke could do better than you, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Ouch. I see how it is. Fine, fine. Take it away, Sigs.”

“Oh... um. So... like in the drawer there’s a couple different vegetables. The peppers are to your right, but the bag is slightly covered by the lettuce, so you’ll need to reach under that.”

“Thank you,” Bruce said, and found the peppers with more ease than he had found the refrigerator in the first place.

Duke guided him through the next several steps with ease, carefully explaining where the onions, cheese, and ham were before having Bruce return to the island to start making the food. Jason was being suspiciously quiet.

Bruce sighed, stopping. “Are you mad at me?”

Duke made a confused noise, “No? Why would I be?”

“Not you.”

“Oh... Uh, Hood is... currently throwing darts at one of your suits so I’d say the answer is yes.”

Bruce put his head in his hands, forgetting there was a phone there, “Put him on the phone.”

There was some scrambling and then Duke’s voice said, “Hood, Batman wants to talk to you.”

“Tell Batman that he can go die in a fiery explosion.”

There was a stunned silence from everyone involved. _Wow, Jason, that was low, even for you._

Bruce had been too stunned to notice Tim get up and stand at Bruce’s shoulder. Okay, more like back, because Tim was too short to see over Bruce’s shoulder. But in his defense, most people were.

“Hey Duke, tell Jaybird that I wanna talk to him now.”

“Hey Hood, RR wants to talk to you now.”

A silence, “Did B put him up to this or does he actually want to talk to me?”

“He actually wants to talk to you.”

A huff, “Fine.”

Bruce turned to Tim and made sure that Jason would be able to see Tim’s face through the camera, you know, instead of straight over Tim’s head.

“What do you want, Replacement?”

“I want you to get over yourself and guide B through making an omelette so I can laugh in his face when he inevitably sets the kitchen on fire. If Duke does it then it won’t be as fun because he’s not the best cook in the family. Ten minutes, that’s all I ask for, just make sure that Bruce gets as much as an opportunity for immunity as I did. After that, you can go back to being a passive aggressive asshole and no one will stop you.”

Jason seemed to consider it. Bruce, on the other hand, wanted to argue that a) he wouldn’t set the kitchen on fire and b) Jason should not be allowed to go back to being a passive aggressive asshole because when he’s like that he tends to shoot people. Also, Jason and Tim have patrol duties tonight and Bruce didn’t think that would be a good idea. Especially since Tim didn’t exactly calm Jason down, instead it was more like adding a timer to a bomb so that it would explode at the right moment instead of whenever it wanted. But, seeing as he was currently blindfolded and stuck in quarantine with aforementioned children, maybe he should let Tim do all the talking.

“Sounds like a deal to me, Replacement. B, stop looking at his sleep deprived face and show me what Sigs led you through.”

“Hey! I’ve gotten more sleep in the past week than I have in the past five years!”

Bruce shook his head, sighing, before turning to the countertop which had the foods on it.

“Great. Replacement, go back to sitting at the counter, we don’t need you getting in the way.” Jason instructed.

“Wowwww, I see how it is. And here I was thinking I was your favorite brother.” Tim snarked, sitting back at the other side of the island.

“You are my favorite brother. Doesn’t mean anything, though. I still hate all of you.”

Bruce could tell, even blindfolded, that Tim was rolling his eyes.

“Aight, so B, reach with your left hand and open the carton of eggs. Be gentle with them, eggs are unborn children and will break in your massive bear paws if you’re too rough with them.”

Bruce did that, making sure he didn’t ask Jason what the fuck that was supposed to mean. _Currently trying not to piss off the emotional rollercoaster that is Jason Todd. Just do what he says..._

“Good job. There’s a bowl to your right, find it, and crack three eggs into it. Wait, do you know how to crack eggs?”

“Yes, I know how to crack eggs.” Bruce replied. He’d never actually done it, but he knew the basics. Tap the egg on the counter until the shell cracks and then spilt it in half. Don’t be like Dick the first time he’d tried to make eggs and slam the egg on the counter. That’s not how you crack an egg. That’s how you make a giant mess and get eggshell stuck in your skin.

He cracked the two of the eggs, reached for the third, missed the egg and bumped the carton. His amazing Batman sense told him that the carton was falling, so he did what any blindfolded person would do and caught it.

Jason was silent on the other end. Bruce set the carton back on the counter and grabbed the egg, tapped it, and cracked it open and—

_Splat_.

He could feel Tim’s laughter before he heard it.

“You missed the bowl,” Jason helpfully told him.

Biting back a very sarcastic answer, Bruce replied with a simple, “Yes I realize that now that there is a raw egg on my boot.”

“So... do you want to get the egg off your foot or just keep cooking?”

“Let’s just keep going.”

“Great. Get another egg and actually crack it into the bowl this time. Just a hint: the bowl is on the counter.”

Bruce did that, carefully making sure that he cracked the egg in the bowl.

“Okay, now you’re gonna go get a fork and a knife from the silverware drawer. And for the love of god, do not get a butter knife. And also don’t cut your fingers off, you need those things for like, 90% of the things you do.”

“I use sharp objects on a daily basis, I think I’ll be okay.”

“You’re blindfolded, I don’t trust anything you do.”

“That’s fair.” Bruce felt around for a fork and gingerly took one out.

“Okay, so if you feel _VERY_ carefully towards your left, there is a large ceramic knife that I want you to grab. Ceramic blades are smoother than metal ones and feel like plastic, so you’ll know you have the right one when you feel that. Be careful, ceramic blades are also much, much sharper. I am not giving you stitches if you slice your finger open.”

Once again, Bruce didn’t respond, because if he did, he probably would have pulled out the sass he’d learned from Alfred over the years and that should be avoided at all costs.

Jason guided him back to the counter and told him how to very carefully cut the vegetables. Bruce could hear Duke’s quiet muttering of “oh my god, oh my god, he’s gonna kill himself, oh my god.” He decided to ignore it because it was not helping him at all.

“Okay B, now I want you to turn the board ninety degrees and repeat what you just did. This is called dicing the vegetables.” Jason instructed.

Bruce started cutting again, hoping that Jason would warn him in time if he got too close to his fingers, but also being aware that Jason would probably purposely not tell him and then laugh about it for years.

“Okay stop there. Congratulations, you’ve cut the vegetables. Put the knife to the right side and grab the fork I had you set down. Good job, the bowl is in front of you and to the left. Grab it and start gently whisking the eggs.”

Whisk? With a fork? Impossible.

“How do I whisk gently?” He asked, putting the fork in the eggs and starting to stir. Yes, stir, because he honest to god didn’t know how to whisk eggs with a fork while blindfolded.

“Not like that. You gotta do really fast and small circles. Make sure the fork catches some air. Just, _whisk_ the eggs, Bruce.”

Bruce tried his damn best okay?

“...do you know how to whisk?”

“...no.”

“I... okay, wow. I don’t even know how to explain it to you. You just stir fast and at an angle.”

Bruce tried. He felt egg splash on his face. He heard Tim’s unashamed laughter. He put the bowl down. “Can I get a towel?”

Jason sighed on the other end, “Yeah. Tim, you whisk the eggs, kay?”

Bruce heard Tim stand and walk around and he heard the obvious sounds of whisking. How did Tim know how to whisk things? Since when did Tim cook?

“Alright B, take four steps to the left, three backwards, and then turn around.” He did that. “Great, now lean down and feel for the second drawer. Open it, and there should be a bunch of hand towels.” There was. He wiped the egg off his face and then made sure to clean his boot off as best as he could.

“Okay, back to making the omelette.”

* * *

“You failed.” Jason said. Bruce looked down at the halfway charred omelette, frowning.

“I think I did pretty good.”

Jason picked up a charred piece and threw it at him. “I said edible. This is not food, Bruce. This is solid smoke.”

“Actually solid smoke is called aerogel—“

“You don’t get immunity.”

Bruce huffed and reached down, using his fork to cut away a piece of the not charred part of the omelette. He ate it. “Tastes like food to me.”

“Doesn’t matter. You set the pan on fire.”

“I had nothing to do with that!” He defended.

“Tim had to use the fire extinguisher. Again. This is the eighth fire extinguisher we’ve gone through in the past year. It’s not even May yet.” Jason told him, and wow, wasn’t Bruce supposed to be the parent here? Why did he feel like a child being scolded? “I told you that if something went wrong, you wouldn’t get immunity. And seeing as you not only cracked an egg open on your foot but also set the kitchen on fire—“

“—I did not set the kitchen on fire—“

“You don’t get immunity.”

Bruce sighed. Fine. He’d beat Tim without immunity then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALSO [FANART](https://justthatonegirl1815.tumblr.com/post/624306426279591936/fan-art-for-chapter-68-of-quarantined-red-robins)
> 
> Next up: this chapter but as a tik tok


	69. Chapter 68 but as a Tik Tok

The video started with a beautiful shot of Batman standing in the kitchen, looking defeated, with a phone taped to his cowl. The title read, “Teaching a man who has never cooked before how to make an omelette while he’s blindfolded and I’m guiding him through FaceTime.”

“Warning: This goes very badly. Do not do this at home.”

In even smaller text, so small that you could barely read it, it said, “Or do try it, idgaf —RH”

* * *

“What have you made before?”

“...coffee.”

“...Is that it?”

“A bagel.”

“Just one?”

“...yes.”

* * *

The scene cut to Batman asking, “Are you done?”

“B we haven’t even started yet.” Red Hood replied. The clip showed him inside his pillow fort. Signal was using Hood’s shoulder as if it were the back of a couch, leaning casually against it as he scrolled through his phone.

“I meant with judging how little time I spend in the kitchen. I fight crime, not make omelettes.” Batman replied.

* * *

What do you want in your omelette, assuming it is edible?”

“Cheese.”

“Wow. Just cheese? Such a white person.”

“What does that— never mind. Bell peppers I guess. Maybe some onions. Ham is good too.”

“I see, so we’re making a big omelette for a big boi.”

“I am not—“ Batman stopped, defeated. “Sure. Big omelette. Where’s the peppers?”

“In the refrigerator,” Hood replied confidently, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Well now I know that if I ever end up blind on a mission and need someone to lead me through it, I am not asking you.”

“As if I’d help you on a mission. I only came home to see Replacement. He’s the only decent human being in this family.”

“Bold of you to assume I’m still a human being,” Red Robin spoke up.

Silence.

“Good point, with as much coffee as you drink I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re just sentient caffeine now.” Hood decided. “Ay, B, turn left 90 degrees, four steps forward, there’s the fridge.”

It showed an outside view of Batman walking to the refrigerator, taking too long of a fourth stride, and bumping into the fridge. His next reaction was clearly to hide that he’d just run into the refrigerator and instead opened the door.

“Look down, I can’t actually see anything except the top shelf, which is unfortunately devoid of alcohol.” Hood instructed.

* * *

The next scene was one that would undoubtedly be a meme for years. Tim could see it now.

The bowl: My goals

The egg: Me

Plop. Right to the floor. Forever a disappointment.

Not to mention Batman’s exasperated expression when he realized that he’d completely missed the bowl could be a reaction gif for basically everything.

“You missed the bowl.”

* * *

“Just _whisk_ the eggs.”

Batman was not whisking the eggs. He was stirring them quickly. There is a difference and it was showing itself now, as Batman sloshed the egg around in the bowl and whoop— look who’s splattered egg everywhere.

* * *

“Just sprinkle the cheese into the pan—“

_FWOOM!_

Batman jumped back, feeling the heat of the flames. The panic was clear on his face, how had he fucked up this badly?

“Oh god, the pan is on fire!” Red Robin yelled, rushing forward. Batman was standing back, looking alarmed but unable to do anything. Once again, also easily a meme. It was the chaos equivalent of the “This is fine” meme, but with Red Robin lunging to get the pan off the stove, realizing that everything was still on fire, hastily setting the pan down on the opposite counter and pulling out the fire extinguisher in a fruitless attempt to stop the stove from burning the house down.

Or... not so fruitless? Red Robin seemed to have experience with putting out fires?

And Batman? He was still standing back, unable to do anything but listen to the panicked screaming coming from all around him as Hood and Signal on the other end yelled, “PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT!”

* * *

“You failed.”

“I think I did pretty good.”

Hood picked up a charred piece and threw it at him. “I said edible. This is not food.You don’t get immunity.”

Batman huffed and reached down, using his fork to cut away a piece of the not charred part of the omelette. He ate it. “Tastes like food to me.”

“Doesn’t matter. You set the pan on fire.”

“I had nothing to do with that!” Batman defended.

“[BEEP] had to use the fire extinguisher. Again. This is the eighth fire extinguisher we’ve gone through in the past year. It’s not even May yet. I told you that if something went wrong, you wouldn’t get immunity. And seeing as you not only cracked an egg open on your foot but also set the kitchen on fire—“

“—I did not set the kitchen on fire—“

“You don’t get immunity.”

* * *

Comments:

“Wow RIP bats”

“This just in on Worst Cooks in America:”

“Did Red Robin just call himself a demon or something?”

“Obviously. Have you seen this man? Child? Creature?”

“How many times do they set the house on fire?!”

“Honestly, hows the house still standing at this point?”

“How does a grown man not know how to cook ANYTHING?”

“Well. You see. He’s too busy being B A T M A N”

“This man runs the JUSTICE LEAGUE and he can’t cook an omelette?”

“He’s strong enough to take down Superman but god forbid he have to crack an egg”

“I would pay money to see this entire process, all the way from RH getting Bats to do this to eating it at the end. I would pay so much money. All of my money.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you guys ever played can jam? No? Yes? Well, I played something like that in freshman year gym class, but with frisbees and large buckets. Basically the point is to get the frisbee into the bucket.   
> Well, keep in mind this was freshman year gym class at the beginning of the year. Kids are insane and I didn’t have friends in that class yet.   
> So I’m standing at one of the buckets with this other girl and we’ve said “hi” and that’s about it to each other. Mostly we’ve been apologizing for throwing the frisbee at our partners head (said partners are standing at the other bucket, trying their best).   
> Then, out of nowhere, a frisbee from the other side of the gym flies across the room towards us and jams itself in a crack in the bleachers about ten feet up.   
> And the girl I’m standing there with points at the bucket and says, “my goals” and then the gestured to the frisbee and says, “me”   
> And I, in a moment of pure lucidity, responded, “Well at least you went above and beyond”   
> We’ve been friends ever since (until she moved but likeeee).


	70. ShiT iS gEtTiNg rEaL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *laughs* okay so I was hanging out with NM yesterday (I saw people!) and for whatever reason I decided to let her answer all of the comments in my inbox for me so I didn’t have to and... *laughs more* responses ranged from cocky, to cryptic, to vaguely threatening? I’m pretty sure someone got threatened with arson??? Someone else got three paragraphs about the workings of time?   
> Look, if this chapter isn’t humorous enough for you just go back to comments section yesterday and have a blast, like,,, you can clearly tell the difference between my replies and when I let her take over.   
> Not gonna lie tho, that was like peak comedy for me so I might let her do it more often.......... anyways, here’s the chapter:

So.

The only person who had gotten immunity so far was Damian. The kid who didn’t even need it.

Steph was currently hopping around the cave on her left foot, trying to get to where Alfred had brought down a plate of sandwiches for the Bats to eat. Tim had already taken his, Jason’s, and Duke’s sandwiches into the Fort. Dick and Damian were lounging up in the hammock, eating their sandwiches as Dick animatedly talked about one of his colleagues from work. Cass was working on the final parts of her dance in the corner of the cave, and Bruce was using his special Suit Cleaner TM to clean the egg off of his boot.

The scene looked mundane. But Dick and Steph were ready.

Dick had been up in the rafters during most of the cooking experience, preparing their trap, and Steph was the one who was going to set it off. She gingerly grabbed her sandwich and then sat on top of the railing, right next to where Dick had left a rope hanging— the trigger.

See, during the last 48 hours of the Floor Is Lava, it had been realized that safe spots needed to change. And seeing as the Trio (Jason, Tim, and Duke) were spending entire days inside their fort, it had been ruled that bedding was no longer safe at any time of the day. Neither was the Batcomputer or the first level training equipment (meaning if you wanted to avoid the lava on the training equipment, you’d have to climb upwards ten feet in the five second time limit to reach the Second Level TM). The Batmobile was still considered safe, but only one person was allowed at a time. If two people were on it, then they’d both lose the round.

So, with Jason, Duke, and Tim completely oblivious to what was about to happen, her partner Nightwing safe up in his hammock (along with her unofficial partner, Robin), and Bruce hopefully being too focused with his egg problem, now was the perfect time to call it.

“THE FLOOR IS LAVA!” And then she pulled the rope.

From the ceiling, several bags of sand and pillows tied together with rope fell down onto the Pillow Fort, crushing it. Strangled screams came from inside. Dick was openly laughing, Cass had scaled the Dinosaur, Damian was looking very proud, and Bruce was.... standing on the bottle of suit cleaner? On one foot? Looking smug as ever?

Steph scowled. Well, at least she got three of them out.

“Safe. Red Hood, Signal, and Red Robin are all subject to punishment.”

At at that very moment, the door to the cave slid open, and Tim strolled in, a bag of marshmallows in hand and several in his mouth. His eyes bugged out, looking at the pillow fort that no longer stood.

Steph watched as he swallowed quickly and ran up to the fort, “WHAT DID YOU DO?!”

“Wait— when did you leave the fort? You— I watched you go in there!” Dick exclaimed.

Tim was currently pulling large bags of sand off the pillow fort, gesturing angrily with his foot to the bag of marshmallows he’d dropped near the door, “I left to get a snack like five minutes ago, what did you do?” Tim pulled a couple of blankets from the wreckage of the pillow fort and Jason struggled out from the rest, face red with anger.

“OKAY WHO’S IDEA WAS THAT?”

Steph and Dick looked away.

Meanwhile, Tim was helping Duke from the wreckage. Signal looked at Steph, eyes wide, “Why would you do that?” He asked, voice quiet.

Oh no. They made Duke sad. This... this had to be illegal or something. Making Duke sad was the equivalent of kicking a puppy. What have they done?

* * *

Comments:

“Red Robin walking into a war zone with a bag of marshmallows is the biggest fucking mood”

“SIGNAL! RED HOOD! NOOOOOOOO”

“WHY ARE YOU FREAKING OUT ABOUT THEM? THEY'RE FINE, BUT THE PILLOW FORT! ITS DEAD!”

“NOOOOOOOOOO”

“Nightwing’s laughter tho”

“Is no one gonna talk about Batman standing on a bottle of cleaning stuff or....?”

“I mean, no one is talking about the fact that BB scaled a dinosaur in under three seconds”

“I never want to see that look on Signals face again okay that was worse than the hurt animal commercials”


	71. Punishment Timeeeeee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys think??? That I forgot about this??? Nononono, I read those comment threads back on Chapter 53, and I promise you, I did not forget

“Red Hood, your punishment is to only speak in movie quotes for the next 12 hours.”

Jason paused, “Okay.... uh, can we make book and play quotes count too? I don’t really watch that many movies.”

Dick and Steph looked at each other before shrugging, “Sure, I don’t see why not.”

Jason smirked, “Great.”

“...anyways, Signal your punishment is to drink one cup of Red Robin’s coffee.”

Duke blanched, “What?”

“You heard us.” Steph said. “One cup of Red Robin’s coffee.”

Duke gulped, “Okay.”

Jason had yet to say anything, but then he laid a heavy hand on Duke’s shoulder, “Conscience doth make cowards of us all.”

* * *

Tim handed Duke the cup of coffee, “Sorry dude.”

“It’s fine...” Duke mumbled. He sniffed the coffee before cringing, “How do you drink this?”

Tim shrugged, “Taste is irrelevant at this point.”

Duke bounced a bit on his heels, psyching himself up for it. “Okay, I’ve got this. I’ve got this. Three, two, —“ Duke tossed the drink back, gulping down the coffee as quickly as humanly possible. In the background, Stephanie was trying not to laugh.

Duke cringed, gagging at the taste of the drink. He refused to call it coffee, because coffee was not supposed to be this bitter.

“So... how was it?” Dick inquired.

“Horrible,” Duke commented, gagging further. “That is not a taste I would wish upon even my worst enemies. I think I’d prefer death.”

“Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once.” Jason quoted. Damian rolled his eyes.

“Thanks, nice to know that.” Duke forced the words out. “Can someone please get me some water?”

* * *

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate—“

“Stop. I’m begging you.” Dick pleaded. “You don’t need to follow people around quoting love sonnets. This is supposed to be a punishment.”

“—Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May:

And summer’s lease hath all too short a date:

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,

And often is his gold complexion dimm’d;

And every fair from fair sometime declines,

By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d;

But thy eternal summer shall not fade

Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;

Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade,

When in eternal lines to time thou growest:

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.”

And with that, Jason turned around and went to bother someone else with his seemingly infinite knowledge of Shakespeare.

* * *

“I can’t do this anymore,” Damian decidedly announced, after listening to Jason quote the entirety of Act 2 Scene 3 of Julius Caesar.

“Nonsense,” Jason replied. “You’re only saying that because no one ever has.”

A pause. Everyone turned. Bruce pulled out his earbuds.

“That wasn’t Shakespeare,” Duke commented.

“Then what was it? He’s only been quoting Shakes for the last three hours.”

“The Princess Bride,” Tim told them. “That was from the Princess Bride.”

Jason smirked, “Anybody want a peanut?”

Damian turned on his heel, but Jason laid a heavy hand on Damian’s shoulder, stopping him in his tracks, “I just want you to feel you’re doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed.”

“S T O P!”

* * *

“Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam.” Jason recited, waltzing around the Cave. The floor is lava had been called roughly three times since the Fort had been destroyed, and all calls had been made in attempts to make Jason stop quoting things very loudly in people’s faces.

The only person in the cave who seemed wasn’t going insane was Tim, who would respond to Jason’s random quotations with quotes of his own when spoken to, and otherwise seemed so entirely out of it that he didn’t care.

As in right now, where everyone else had resigned to listening to music or taping pillows to their ears (in Dick’s case) (Cass had taken his headphones while his guard was down) (she may be an angel but even she doesn’t want to listen to all of Romeo and Juliet performed by one person), Tim was laying on the roof of the Batmobile, staring up at the ceiling. He had no earbuds, no headphones, not even a pillow or blanket to protect himself from the sharp edges of the Batmobile’s armored plating.

And Jason only knew one way to ask if he was alright or just vibing. “Reason thus with life: If I do lose thee, I do lose a thing; That none but fools would keep.”

Tim turned to him slowly, one eyebrow raised, “Was that an insult?”

Jason gestured to Tim’s entire figure.

“You just gestured to all of me.”

Jason cocked his head to the side, putting on the best accent he could, “Yes that’s it, stop being all of you.”

Tim chuckled, “You want to know why I’m staring at the ceiling in a deep state of depression?”

Jason nodded.

Tim sighed and gestured to where the pillow fort used to be, and then pointed up at the ceiling. “I’m mourning the loss of Castle Byers. That and I got a call from Luke Fox like an hour ago.”

“Oh? And what of it?” Jason knew that was a quote, but he honestly couldn’t remember what from.

“His aunt has the ‘rona and is in the hospital. She’s on a ventilator and everything, they don’t expect her to make it. He’s taking a break from Wayne Enterprises to go see her, which of course I let him do, along with the rest of the family. Offered to help them out in any way I can, but they don’t exactly need financial help, so I’m kinda at a loss here. Luke and Tam have been leading WE since I can’t cause the spleen thing, and they’ve been doing really well. Anyone who wants to work gets paid double the amount and makes masks, ventilators, and we also have scientists working on a vaccine. But...” Tim sighed. “There’s only so much I can do from here. I feel kinda useless. I would do the research myself but once again, the spleen stuff. Not to mention Alfred. The best I can do is pay people to work on a cure, but even then... feels like I could be doing more.”

Jason paused. He didn’t have any quotes to answer this with. He pulled out his phone and quickly typed up a response. Technically typing wasn’t talking so... (not to mention that he was pretty sure the rest of the family would be glad if he stopped dramatically quoting Shakespeare). He handed his phone to Tim, who took it.

“ _You’re doing the best you can. I’ve read the news articles, you know, people are really impressed with what you’re doing with WE now that you’ve taken over from Bruce. Especially since you’re not even 18 yet. The fact that you’re still trying to help while also keeping your employees safe and being responsible yourself by staying home is better than most CEOs out there, so stop beating yourself up about it. No one is trying harder than you are with what you’ve got. Not only are you trying to help people as Tim Wayne, but you’re helping as Red Robin too. Your tik tok account is helping people with this whole situation too. So stop looking so depressed, okay_?”

Tim chuckled, “Good point.”

“I know,” Jason replied.

“How long until patrol?”

Jason held up 3 fingers, for three hours.

“Ughhhhhhh... can we check up on WE while we’re out?”

Jason raised an eyebrow, signing, “You’re still worried?”

Tim nodded.

“Sure. Deeds will not be less valiant because they are unpraised.”

Tim held up his hand, separating his middle and ring finger to form a Vulcan salute, “Live long and prosper.”

Jason smirked, returning the gesture, “Live long and prosper.” And with that, he turned to go both someone else with the many Star Trek quotes he’d just remembered.


	72. BaRnAdO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did I not post yesterday? Good question, answer is KP broke a jet ski two days ago and I had to fix it and forgot to post cause I was busy laying on the ground under a jet ski with her so yeahhhhh

Duke had been bouncing around all day.

The caffeine wasn’t wearing off.

No wonder Tim could go weeks without sleeping if this is the shit he drank on a daily basis.

Bounce. Bounce. BoUnCe, ooh look a wild Robin in his natural habitat!

* * *

Good news about being on a caffeine high— nothing, and he meant nothing, could stop him.

For example, in an attempt to make the caffeine wear off, Duke had already run about 20 miles on the treadmill, made several origami cranes, helped clean up the kitchen after the fiasco Bruce had created, and read two books. In the span of five hours.

Not to mention that the many, many times the floor is lava had been called, Duke had been on top of things. And he meant it. He had enough energy to scale the walls of the Batcave in under five seconds. There was no stopping him.

But the constant energy was getting exhausting for him mentally. Sure, he could do e v e r y t h i n g, but he was also running out of things to do.

But he had come to one important conclusion in his time spent under the influence of Tim’s coffee recipe: no wonder Tim had yet to lose a round. If that boy even feels half of what Duke is currently experiencing then Bruce Wayne stands no chance.

BOunCe.

* * *

“—and may the odds be ever in your favor!”

“The floor is lava,” Steph called because she did not want to keeping listening to Jason’s various quotes from the Hunger Games. She’d read the books, thank you very much, she didn’t need to hear them again.

Steph hopped on her left foot all the way to the closest safe spot— the railing. Hood scaled the giant penny. Red Robin was still lounging on top of the Batmobile. Signal was... climbing the training equipment like a madman. Black bat had climbed Batman’s shoulders and Batman was hanging from the ceiling by a grapple. Robin was up in the hammock— wait.

She could see Nightwing’s panicked expression upon realizing that there was nowhere safe that he could reach. Except... the hammock.

Nightwing leapt up into the hammock, but the force of him grabbing the bottom of the fabric to cling onto sent Robin tumbling out of the hammock and onto the floor.

“SAFE,” She called. “Robinnnnn.”

Damian glared up at her, “I use my immunity.”

Dammit.

* * *

Jason was two seconds away from yelling at Tim to hurry up when he remembered that he still had another hour on his punishment.

So, he angrily pulled out his phone.

To: Replacement

ARE YOU WAITING FOR CHRISTMAS

To: Replacement

HURRY THE FUCK UP

Tim rounded the corner at that moment, phone in hand, “Yeah, yeah, I’m coming. Gah, you’re so impatient.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Jason said, suddenly very happy that they’d let Hugh Jackman drop an f-bomb in the X-Men movies.

Tim raised an eyebrow, “Let’s go. And I swear, if you start quoting Hamlet to me, I’m going to punch you in the face.”

“Who’s there?” Jason quoted. “Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself.”

Tim didn’t waste any time in sucker punching Jason straight in the eye. He laughed, “Long live the king!”

Tim rolled his eyes, exasperated, “Barnardo?”

“He,” Jason replied, grinning at Tim widely. He knew Hamlet too???

“You come most carefully upon your hour,” Tim replied, sounding defeated. He handed Jason his Red Hood helmet, which he’d taken off a few minutes ago to polish.

“'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to bed, Francisco.”

“For this relief much thanks. ‘Tis bitter cold, and I am sick at heart.”

And suddenly Jason remembered why Tim was his favorite brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> June 1st approaches...


	73. You Thought We Were Done With the Glitter Didn’t Ya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cries* 2020 was bad enough already okay there was no need to set the city hall on fire

“I’ve got a jar of dirt~”

“You wish you had a jar of dirt.”

“I do.”

“Shush. Focus.”

“Fine.” Jason sighed. He really wanted to ask why they were the ones that always got the problematic people on patrol, but he was also pretty sure that wasn’t a quote and he still had another 45 minutes left on his punishment, so he’d have to get through this fight without breaking.

...assuming it got down to a fight, maybe they’d get lucky?

It didn’t matter. The point was Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn were currently standing in Tim’s office, drunk off their asses, playing loud music and throwing feathery boas around everywhere. In the middle of the night.

Jason hadn’t been sure how Tim would react, but the way Tim had just closed his eyes and slowly shook his head was exactly like how Bruce would respond to 90% of the things Jason ever did.

Tim had shown him the video of Harley and Ivy breaking out of Arkham Asylum and they both knew that right now, with as drunk as they are, Harley and Ivy wouldn’t be big problems. Hopefully. But that’s the thing: Harley and Ivy are like Red Hood and Red Robin in terms of “if you put them into a team together, you can’t blame yourself for the chaos that ensues.”

Hence why Tim’s office was currently trashed.

Hence why RR and RH were watching them trash the office instead of stopping them.

Hence why Tim wanted Jason to focus, so he could rig the glitter bomb that he totally didn't have hidden under his assistant’s desk so that he could attack Damian next time the brat decided it would be a good idea to “visit.”

...And now he remembered why Bruce used to argue against letting Tim and Jason patrol together.

Too bad Tim was the only one Jason would work with well enough to actually team up with. Dick was a close second. Duke was a close third. Cass was pretty fucking awesome but Jason liked having someone he could banter with. More specifically, someone who would only roll his eyes when Jason kicked him off a building.

Hence why Tim is his partner during the floor is lava week where they decided to split up patrols into teams of two that would remain the same the entire time.

Jason and Tim

Steph and Cass

Dick and Damian

Bruce and Duke

But, in roughly 36 hours or so, it would go back to the rotating patrols, so Jason really had to enjoy his patrolling-with-Tim-time, because Tim was the only one in the family who would glitter bomb Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy in his own office.

“ _Are we going to take them back to Arkham after this?_ ” He signed. Once again, not technically speaking. Sure it was called _speaking_ sign language but shush.

Tim nodded but didn’t say anything in response, he just kept on glitter bombing.

......what was with this family and glitter? More specifically, why was Tim’s stuff always the victim?

“Okay,” Tim whispered. “It’s ready. All you have to do is throw it right at them and the second it hits something, it’ll go off.”

Jason grinned. “ _Why am I throwing this?_ ”

“ _Cause you have better aim than me. Also because I know you want to_.”

“ _I do want to_ ,” Jason signed back, grabbing the glitter bomb, and throwing it directly at Quinn’s feet.

The detonation was immediate, and glitter went everywhere, just like in one of those Mark Rober videos, and their screams were something of legend man. Jason threw his head back and laughed as Ivy realized that she’d been coated in a thick layer of glitter. Red Robin was next to him, laughing as well.

Sure, the office was covered in glitter, but it’s not like Tim was gonna get to use it anytime soon anyways.

Harley Quinn caught sight of Red Hood first, his helmet being a pretty dead give away despite their hiding spot. She shrieked and ran at him, a handful of glitter in her grasp.

“No, no, no!” Hood yelled, laughing, pulling Red Robin in front of him to act as a human shield.

Harley flung her handful of glitter straight into Tim’s face, coating him in glitter that looked like it was specifically designed to stick to people. Wowwww, leave it up to Tim Drake to custom make glitter to make it stick to people just so he could prank Damian. The petty sibling rivalry is real between them.

Tim shrieked, and dove towards the glitter on the floor fully intending on striking back, and woah... had Jason and Tim just gotten themselves into a glitter fight with Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy in Tim’s office, aka the CEOs office, of Wayne Enterprises?

The answer was yes.

Jason dove forward as well, unashamedly grabbing several handfuls of the glitter and attacking Poison Ivy with them.

He could hear the lecture Bruce was going to give them when they got back home.

But for now, he had a glitter battle to win.

Harley was crouching on the ground, gathering as much glitter into one pile as possible while Jason and Tim danced around Poison Ivy, each with glitter in their hands and all over their suits.

“GOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAMMMMMM!” Jason screamed before throwing his handful of glitter right into Ivy’s face, momentarily blinding her, before wrapping his arms around her waist and body slamming her into the ground, the air as a result of the force caused Harleys pile to disperse slightly.

Tim was cackling and going in to take down Ivy too, determination and glitter on his face. Harley Quinn stripped of the shirt she was wearing and filled it with glitter, making a functioning glitter sling shot.

Meanwhile, Raise Your Glass by P!NK was blasting through the office, as it should be. P!NK is an icon, kay?

Harley Quinn slammed the glitter sling into Red Robin’s chest right as the beat dropped and to be honest, it was fucking awesome, but that wasn’t the point here. The force had sent Tim stumbling backwards, now covered in about the same amount of glitter that the two women were in.

Tim kicked the glitter off the floor at Harley, the front of his suit covered in glitter, and then in her moment of distraction, he lunged at her, tackling her just like Jason had with Ivy.

Red Robin quickly cuffed Harley Quinn, and Jason removed enough of his weight off Poison Ivy to make sure that she was still breathing— she was— before doing the same.

The girls, despite being handcuffed and covered in glitter, were still laughing and generally having a great time. Jason wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or if the Stockholm Syndrome was just that bad or what.

Tim grinned at him and raised his hand for a high five, which Jason happily returned.

“Are you boys just going to ruin the fun we were having or what?” Harley cooed, using her cuffed hand to sling some glitter off the floor at Tim.

“Yep, sorry.” Tim replied coolly. “But we gotta get you two back to Arkham now. Your escape video was pretty great though. Just a recommendation, film it like the pros next time.”

The two seemed to be taking the advice to heart and Jason and Tim happily returned the pair to Arkham.

* * *

“ _What time is it?_ ” He signed.

Tim told him the time, before looking up, “That means your punishment time is over.”

Jason chuckled, “Wasn’t really a punishment. Don’t think Dickiebird thought that one through. He should know that I have more plays memorized than criminals.”

Tim smirked, “He should’ve. Maybe he just hasn’t seen you prancing around your living room yet reciting Macbeth.”

“Hey!” Jason smacked him over the head. “That was one time! And don’t judge my coping mechanisms! Some of us like to deal with our severe PTSD by memorizing Shakespeare okay?”

Tim shook his head, “Okay RH, just give me a heads up next time. I don’t want to walk in expecting you to be working on a case only to find you screaming “BLOOD WILL HAVE BLOOD!””

Jason grumbled a bit, “Bold words coming from a man who I once found playing the piano, dramatically singing Bohemian Rhapsody, and petting the cat while everyone else in the house was out.”

Tim looked at him weird, “I... how is that a weird thing?”

“Because you can’t sing.”

Tim rolled his eyes, “I can sing, I just don’t sound like a Greek god when doing so.”

Jason puffed out his chest, “Damn right you don’t. Besides, your voice would be better for like, I dunno Billie Eilish or something. Not Queen.”

“I’m definitely not good enough for Billie either.”

“True.” Jason happily stated. “But you could probably kill ‘when the party’s over’ if you tried hard enough. Make Alfred cry. Or me. I might cry if you sing that and it actually sounds good.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“....so we’re still covered in glitter.”

“....yeah.”

“....wanna go swimming in the Harbor?”

“At one am?”

“Sure.”

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow....


	74. Who lets these two do anything unsupervised

“Replacement.”

“What?”

“They have paddle boards.”

“No, Red Hood.”

“Please?”

“We’re not stealing the paddle boards.”

“We’ll return them!” Jason defended.

“It’s one am.”

“So?”

“No.”

“Please.”

“No.”

“I’ll make you food.”

“...what kinda food?”

“Any food.”

“...fine.”

“YES!” Jason exclaimed and sprinted for the shed that the paddle boards were most likely locked in. He picked the lock and opened it and ohhhh yesssss.

Tim was standing at his side, covered in glitter, shaking his head. “We’re just supposed to be washing the glitter off and then going back to patrol. Not paddle boarding.”

Jason shrugged before reaching in and dragging one of the boards towards the water. He heard Tim sigh, grab a paddle, and follow him towards the water. “We’ve been patrolling all night and the most dangerous criminals we’ve found were Ivy and Quinn. Not to mention that we got more criminals tonight than Bats has in the last three weeks. I think we deserve a teeny break.”

Tim didn’t comment, just kept following Jason.

“Aren’t you gonna get a paddle board?” He asked.

“Nope. I’m going to lay on yours while you paddle us. This was your idea, you get to do all the work.”

“Did anyone ever tell you that you’re a lot like Bats?”

“No. What makes you say that?”

Jason considered it, dragging the board into the water and hearing it splash. “I dunno, it just seems like you’re the most like him in terms of everything. Skill, emotional distance, intelligence, traumatic experience, and you do the thing where you sigh and shake your head before letting me do the thing.”

Tim looked at him, “That’s a thing?”

“Yeah I call it the exasperated Dad look.”

Tim blinked, handing Jason the paddle, “Well I guess it fits B, but it my case it’s kinda just a tired, I’d-Rather-Be-Working look.”

“Ah, true. That’s exactly what your look is.”

“Yeah.” Tim said and got on the back on the paddle board, laying now with his hair touching the water. Jason considered how much weight Tim was adding before stepping onto the middle like he normally would. Tim’s 120 pounds didn’t really hold a candle to Jason’s 260.

He felt the water pool around his feet, well aware that the paddle board was struggling to keep up with a total of 380 pounds of human on it. Not to mention the waves.

“If we tip, it’s your fault.” Tim said.

Jason scoffed, “If we tip, it’s going to be because I wanted us to.”

“Yeah, you’d say that.”

“You’re annoying.”

“Then why do you hang out with me?”

“Shut up.”

* * *

“The fuck was that?”

“A fish, Jason. We’re in the ocean.”

* * *

“A potato flew around my room before you came—“ Tim sung as Jason continued to bring them out into the middle of the ocean.

“Will you stop quoting vines?”

“No.”

* * *

“What is life?”

“I don’t know.”

“But you died, you should know.”

“I don’t. I know what death is like.”

“And?”

“And it hurts.”

“Wow. So insightful. You should write a novel.”

* * *

“How far out are we?”

“Far.”

“Yay, maybe we can escape our problems like this.”

“What problems are you escaping?”

“Oh you know, 2020 in general.”

“That’s fair I guess.”

“It’s kinda funny how in January there was like, World War 3 threats and the Australia wildfires and now that’s not even our biggest problem.”

“Yeah. Don’t forget about the murder hornets.” Jason added.

Tim scoffed from where he lay on the paddle board, staring up at the sky. “Murder hornets aren’t gonna be a problem. Coyote Peterson told us so.”

“Who the fuck is Coyote Peterson?”

Tim paused, staring at Jason in abject horror. “How...how could you not know who Coyote Peterson is?”

“You make it sound like he’s someone important.”

“He is important! This guy has an entire series where he gets stung by the most painful insects on the planet purposefully. The videos are just ten minutes of him psyching himself up for the sting, stinging himself, and screaming on the ground in pain for the next ten. It’s amazing.”

“...is this guy a masochist?”

Tim shrugged, “Dunno, don’t care. We do crazier shit. But he doesn’t just do insects, there’s videos where he hangs our with wolves or sloths, or checks out fossils or feeds baby animals. He also goes shark diving and stuff. Oh! My favorite video is this one where he hangs out with a baby ocelot and it steals his socks. Literally the cutest thing ever. 11/10 would recommend.”

Jason chuckled as he paddled out into the ocean, “Sounds cute.”

“Yeah. The entire channel is better than most documentaries in my opinion.”

“Huh. Show me later. Oh, and show the demon spawn, he’ll probably fall in love.”

Tim chuckled, “I’d be surprised if he isn’t already subscribed. The channel is right up his alley.”

* * *

“Oh god, oh god, what the fuck are you doing?!”

“TRYING TO KEEP US FROM TIPPING!”

The paddle board was rocking side to side dangerously, splashing Tim in the face and generally soaking him from head to toe in chilly sea water. “Oh fuck, fuck—“

_Shwwoom_!

Tim’s head breached the surface, his dark hair plastered to his face by salt water. “Because you wanted us to, huh?”

“Shut up, I have no control over the water. I’m not Percy Jackson.”

“Yeah, we know. Percy Jackson is better than you.”

“False.”

“True.”

“You know what Replacement? I’m done with your shit today.”

Tim didn’t respond for a long time, staring out at the ocean water he was currently submerged in. “........where the fuck is the board, Hood?”

“........Shit.”

Tim stared at Jason in disappointment. “How did you lose an entire paddle board? They don’t exactly sink.”

“We. We lost an entire paddle board. And for the record, I still have the paddle.” Jason responded, holding the paddle up above his head.

Tim slowly clapped, “Oh congratulations. What an accomplishment.”

* * *

“Can we call the coast guard to come pick us up?”

* * *

“We should’ve called the coast guard.”

* * *

“For fucks sake, Jay, how far out did you bring us?”

“I dunno, far. I was just paddling along and listening to you rant.”

“If I can’t feel my arms tomorrow, I’m blaming you.”

“Oh shut up. You’ll be fine. Call it training.”

Tim rolled his eyes, “Your training sucks.”

Jason rolled onto his back and began back stroking towards the shore, “You know, you got training from B and Golden Boy and Lady Shiva and all the big names in this life, but you never got to be trained by me.”

“I think that’s cause your fighting style doesn’t exactly work for me.”

Jason hummed, staring up at the starlit sky. “Makes sense. You’re too small.”

“I’m not that small anymore, you’re just a giant.”

* * *

“You think we got all the glitter off?”

“Hmmmm, no probably not, maybe you should go take another swim. Just for good measure.”

Jason scoffed, “You’re a snarky piece of shit, you know that right?”

“It’s only because I can’t feel my arms.”

* * *

Jason and Tim climbed aboard Hood’s motorcycle and sped through the city back towards their Manor, suits drenched and bodies sore from their swim. Did they have an excuse prepared for why they were two hours late for getting back? No, they didn’t. Why? Because the cameras in their suits were linked to the Batcave and Oracle was undoubtedly watching them.

* * *

“So, Red Robin.” Jason started. “36 hours left of the Floor is Lava, you’re tied for first place with Batman. What are you feeling right now?”

“Tired.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmm what’s that I hear? The first chapter of the anti hero tim fic has been posted? Oh, and you can find it right [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490672/chapters/59114389)


	75. Comments, thats it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: hmmmm what should the 75th chapter be?   
> My brain: comments, that’s it  
> Me: okay

“How the Reds deal with criminals. Take notes, Batman”

Comments:

“Harley Quinn stripping in front of them so she could hit RR with a massive sling of glitter is my aesthetic.”

“Wow. So..... I just realized that I’m bi as hell”

“bruh, same.”

“RR is a literal genius and what does he use his smarts for? Sticky glitter.”

“its the ultimate weapon tho”

“*batman shoots a glitter cannon at you*”

“*barbie theme song starts playing*”

“He’s a Barbie girl, in a barbie world. Back from the dead, he’s so angsty. If you mess with him, he will kill you, yeah-ah-ah.”

“Can Red Hood body slam me like that? Please?”

“The girls were having the time of their lives and they ruined it.”

“smh smh”

“Wait... is that Timothy Wayne’s office? Like the literal CEO of Wayne Enterprises, Timothy Wayne? Does he know about this?”

“ooooooooof”

“F for tim amirite?”

“jeez what did he do to deserve this?”

“idk doesn’t WE help fund the JL”

“so this is a grudge thing”

“probs”

* * *

The next video was barely more than 10 seconds long, it was dark and shaky and half the audio was drowned out by the sound of waves. The only clearly discernible thing was the panicked screaming coming from Red Hood and Red Robin and then— they were under, drowned out by water.

There was no explanation for why they were screaming, or why they were in the water in the first place, the only title was, “Sorry we lost the paddle board, we’ll track down the owner and pay you we promise.”

Comments:

“???? What. Just happened???”

“They’re swimming with the fishes”

“The ghost pirates have taken them down”

“More like mermaids”

“RR is a mermaid and he sabotaged RH”

“RR is a mermaid confirmed”

“Who did they steal a paddle board from”

“Why wouldn’t they have taken two?????”

“RIP paddle board”

“I guess you could say, things didn’t go SWIMMINGLY”

“RR and RH now lie in watery graves”

“2020 really hasn’t been good for them”

“I’ve never related to a video more”

“Tik Tok has never been able to reach vine levels of Iconic, but the Bats are changing that aren’t they”

“they really are”

“Its gonna be five years from now and we’re gonna hear a garbled video of panicked screeching and water sloshing and immediately Know aren’t we?”

“yes”


	76. *asthma*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aka the beep test for all you non American peeps
> 
> Speaking of, America sucks rn, I want to move to Canada, but that’s not gonna happen so I’m just gonna keep writing fanfic and pretending that the world is okay and that people aren’t dying everywhere

“The floor is lava!”

“Oh shit!” Tim yelled, upon realizing that he was not safe. Nor anywhere near safety. And Bruce knew that didn’t he?

The closest safe spot was the hammock above him, but it already had Jason and Dick, and Tim knew that finding safety there would not go well.

But he had a game to win, dammit.

His assessment of the situation had taken all of three seconds. Jason and Dick were in the hammock, Damian was on the Penny, Bruce was hanging upside down from the ceiling, Cass had been working out of the training equipment and therefore was already safe, Steph was upstairs with Alfred and Babs and therefore not included in this round, and Duke was currently scrambling to the safety of the Batmobile.

And Tim was currently pulling out a grappling hook, launching it, and making sure he didn’t miss the five second mark. The hook connected with the ceiling and pulled him up, just in time. He breathed a sigh of relief before making eye contact with Bruce.

“Bitch.”

“Lasagna!” Dick added.

Tim tried not to laugh. This is what he gets for showing Dick that PewDiePie video, isn’t it?

Bruce didn’t react, he simply called safe and dropped down to the floor.

Tim dropped, ready to go finish the task he’d been working on earlier: constructing his own personal hammock up in the ceiling so that Bruce couldn’t get him out. Why? Because this was the last day and the Floor is Lava had already been called six (6) times and Tim had barely made it three of those six.

Luckily, the other three calls seemed to be aimed at getting Bruce out so that was something.

Anyways, back to making his safe spot in the ceiling. He’d gotten rope and extra capes, both of which did not count as bedding and therefore could be used, and was about to set up his new spot.

“Hey! Tim! Bruce!” Dick yelled from the hammock where he was watching YouTube videos with Bruce. “You guys might want to listen to this. I’ve got a contest for immunity.”

Well, maybe his safe spot would have to wait.

“Whoever can run the Pacer Test the longest wins.”

Fuck that. Was immunity really worth his lungs?

“What’s that?” Bruce asked.

“Oh. OH.” Duke spoke up from where he was lounging on the Batmobile. “The Fitness Gram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues—“

“That.” Tim said. “That is the sound of every school child’s nightmare.”

“I dunno,” Dick said. “I had fun with it.”

“Yeah that’s cause you started doing cartwheels anytime you got tired of running.”

“Can you even do that?” Jason asked, skeptically.

Dick shrugged, “Gym coach never stopped me.”

Damian scoffed, “That’s a terrible idea for immunity. They’re both vigilantes who run rooftops on a nightly basis. We’d be hearing that godawful recording for hours.”

Duke laughed, “That’s true. We’d never hear the end of it, especially if it’s for immunity. They’re both too stubborn.”

Jason shrugged, “Then why don’t you guys run it for fun?”

“I will never run that thing for fun,” Tim hastily added.

“What about charity?” Cass spoke up. Tim hadn’t even noticed her approach. “Every lap you run is five bucks to a COVID-19 fund.”

Well shit. Now it was for a good cause and Tim couldn’t actually turn that down. He growled, clenching his fists. Before Damian had opened his mouth, Tim would’ve happily said no to taking the challenge, because the pacer test was death and Tim hated it with a passion. But now he couldn’t because then he’d seem like an asshole. Not to mention he’d literally been talking to Jason not even 24 hours ago about wanting to do more to help people struggling with COVID-19.

“Fine. But if we’re gonna do this, up it to ten and everyone has to participate.” Tim decided.

Bruce was being eerily quiet, but he nodded anyways.

“And we have to run it. No gadgets, no cartwheels. Running only.”

Dick hopped down from the hammock, which caused the hammock to tip and send Jason to the floor. Luckily, he recovered smoothly. “I’m in.”

Jason straightened, “Am I paying for this out of my own pocket? Or can I steal B’s credit card?”

Duke turned, looking confused, “Don’t you run half the gang operations in Gotham? Aren’t you like... loaded?”

Jason shrugged, “I mean, yeah, but like, I’d rather use that money for other stuff.”

“What other stuff?”

“Oh yah know, helmets, leather, guns.”

Tim rolled his eyes, “Out of pocket. Those of us without jobs yet will have to pay from their allowance.”

Damian grumbled, crossing his arms. “But I was saving up for a new paint set.”

“Ask for it for Christmas,” Tim told him. “I’m sure if you ask Alfred nicely, he’ll buy it for you.”

“Christmas is several months from now.”

“Yeah, and who says that the world will even still be around for Christmas.” Duke happily added. Tim snorted.

“True, true. Fine, I’ll buy you the paint set.”

Damian glared suspiciously. “You’d sabotage it.”

Tim rolled his eyes, “Nevermind then. I won’t be nice. Just run the damn test and pay the money. This is for a good cause, and Cass brought it up and do you really want to deny her?”

Damian paused. “I see. We should get Brown and inform her of the development.”

* * *

“The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.”

The first lap was easy. Incredibly easy. And that was the worst part, because the beginning was so easy but the rest was hell.

* * *

“98...” beep. “99...” beep. “100.” Beep.

“That’s it, this shit is dumb.” Red Hood declared. He was breathing heavily but it was clear he wasn’t tired. He simply walked away, taking off his helmet and getting a swig of water as the rest of the family continued running.

* * *

“126...” Beep.

“Nope, nope, nah man, I’m done.” Signal decided, sitting down at one of the lines, breathing heavily.

* * *

Beep. “132.”

“This is ridiculous.” Robin declared and left, joking Red Hood and Signal on the sidelines. He didn’t look nearly as tired as someone who just ran 132 laps of the PACER test should, he just looked very annoyed.

* * *

“143...” Beep. “144. End of level 14.” Beep.

Nightwing collapsed, raising a hand into the air, “Finally! I beat my high school record!”

“Was that the only reason you kept going?”

“YESSSSS .”

* * *

Batman was getting tired, it was obvious. He may be the Bat, but he’s also a middle aged man who should not be running for so long.

“150...” Beep.

Batman didn’t turn around at the line. He just stopped. Out.

* * *

Spoiler, Red Robin, Black Bat.

Red Robin looked at the two girls on either side of him, heard the man’s voice call lap 180, and proudly said, “Fuck it.” And laid down in the middle of the running area, panting, brow sweating. “I hate this test.”

* * *

“200...”

Both Black Bat and Spoiler were barely keeping pace with the test now, it was moving way too fast and they could barely breathe anymore. Spoiler was sucking in air and Black Bat was trying her best not to trip over her cape.

Overall, it wasn’t going well. But the thing about the PACER is that it ends at lap 247, so if they could just keep going... just a bit longer...

“No.” Black Bat declared, stopping. “I’m done. You win.”

“ _YES_! I FINALLY WIN _SOMETHING_!” Spoiler exclaimed, jumping. She danced a little in a circle, a gleeful grin on her face.

“How do you even have any energy left?” Red Robin asked from the sidelines, his voice sounding dead.

Spoiler grinned, “I’m a gymnast, remember? My exercise routine is like yours but worse.”

Red Robin rolled his eyes, “Right. Congrats, you get to spend the most money today.”

“Ah-ah, I don’t think so. You see, I don’t have enough money in my account to pay for this, which means I might just have to leech off yours a bit.” Spoiler happily told him.

Red Robin stared, but didn’t seem to have the energy to fight back. “Fine. Take my money. Not like I care.”

* * *

“Okay so... 1,000 from RH, 1,260 from Signal, 1,320 from Robin, 1,440 from Wing, 1,500 from Batsy, 1,800 from RR, and 2,000 from Black Bat and Spoiler. That totals for a sum of... $12,280.” Oracle surmised.

Red Hood whistled, “Damn.”

* * *

“Wait so what charity are we giving this to?”

“Uh...” Tim looked around. “Well we’ve been looking up charities but a lot of them are either corrupt or not using all the money for the actual charity and instead using it for ads and stuff. So instead WE is setting up a new COVID-19 relief fund that will help pay for vaccine research, pay healthcare workers and essential employees, and also cover the medical bills of people suffering from COVID.”

“Wow. So you made your own charity cause you’re just that extra.” Jason surmised. Steph nodded from beside him where she was eating a massive plate of waffles.

“Yeah basically. But in my defense, you run around in a red helmet and shoot guns at people. If anyone’s extra, it’s you.”

“What about Golden Boy? I think he’s the true extra one in this family.”

“Heh. Fair.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steph won out of pure determination, okay


	77. “Highly unrealistic” he says

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay okay, while I won’t be writing a chapter regarding the George Floyd situation because a) this fic is still stuck in April cause the floor is lava has been going on that long and b) I try and keep this as lighthearted as possible for reasons, this fic is an escape for me and you guys too  
> BUT  
> That doesn’t mean I don’t have a head canon that Signal makes as many videos as he can and attends as many protests as possible with all of the Batfam supporting him because my boi Duke is amazing and would make it his personal goal to do as much as he could. Both as Signal and Duke Thomas. He’d be giving speeches left and right and coordinating WE’s lawyers and doing e v e r y t h i n g possible so that he could make a change  
> And each and every single one of the Batfam would be right behind him.

“CEO Timothy Wayne of Wayne Enterprises has begun a new charity fund to help support those suffering from COVID-19, help pay healthcare workers and essential workers, and also provide funding for research on a coronavirus vaccine. This charity is a part of the Thomas and Martha Wayne Foundations and has already raised over 15,000 dollars in the very few hours that it’s been around. This is only one of the many thing the young CEO is doing in order to help during this unprecedented time—“

Tim rolled his eyes, slapping the phone out of Steph’s hands. “Stop. I’m not that special. Any of us could lead WE, I just happen to be the one doing it.”

“I dunno, Timmy.” Steph cooed in his face, playing with a strand of his hair. “Rumor has it that you’re slowly climbing the ranks to overtake Dick’s spot as most eligible bachelor in Gotham.”

Tim groaned, turning away from her. “No. He can keep that title. I’m just trying to help people who need it, not get the cover page of a gossip magazine.”

“See, this is why people love you. So humble.” She purred and he rolled his eyes further.

“I’m going to go back to my safe spot and survive the last six hours of this game and you’re going to leave me alone, got it?”

Steph sighed, “Huh, well you might be turning into a real business man recently, but now you’re just no fun.”

“Hey! I am fun. This entire tik tok account was my idea, remember?” Tim pouted. Because yes, despite his 18th birthday being in two and a half months, he still pouted. It was a useful tactic when Bruce wouldn’t listen to him, okay?

“The floor is lava!” Dick called from across the cave.

And what did Tim do? Well he panicked and did the most sensible thing possible. He swept Steph’s legs and planted himself on her back as quickly as possible, pinning her to the floor. Safe.

Well, Steph wasn’t. He kinda felt bad, but at this point she wasn’t going to be winning anyways.

He could hear her complaining underneath him, but right now he was too busy watching Bruce. Bruce, who was once again grappling up to the ceiling and wow, that needed to be added to the list of banned safe spots, didn’t it? No grappling hooks.

Dick was on the Batmobile, Damian was hanging upside down from the salmon ladder, Jason and Duke had both disappeared upstairs to help Alfred make dinner, Cass was balanced on the railing of the staircase, looking like a performer on a tightrope as she pranced down it.

“Spoiler is out. Again.” Dick called. Tim clambered off her, automatically apologizing, because it’s one thing to stand on top of a girl, it’s another thing to stand on top of your ex girlfriend/friend/it’s complicated. Especially when there were plenty of other safe spots around him now that he looked.

She was glaring at him, but seemed to accept his apology. Maybe. Hard to tell with the mask.

“Spoils, your punishment is to go clean out Batcow’s stable. Have fun.”

Steph made a face of disgust, but didn’t complain, mumbling, “How nice of you, Dick.” She stood and left to go outside, where Batcow’s stable had been relocated after a few too many instances of either Tim or Bruce stepping in cow manure while trying to navigate the Cave in the dark.

Tim watched her in slight pity as she walked away, feeling a bit bad for using her as an island but also knowing that she would punch him in the face for pitying her. She was pretty awesome like that. Then he realized that he was still standing in the open with no island nearby and quickly booked it to his hammock.

* * *

“I vote that we also ban grappling hooks.” Tim shouted.

“Seconded!” Dick yelled, raising his hand. A bunch of other hands went up. All except Bruce’s. Heh.

“Then it’s decided then. Grapples can no longer be used to get to safety.”

In the corner, Bruce was mumbling something about this game being “highly unrealistic.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now.  
> I understand the world is shit rn. Things are changing and while change is good, its also kinda scary and in my opinion very depressing.  
> So, here’s probably the best YouTube series that never fails to make me laugh no matter how many times I watch it. I would do a chapter based on it but the thing is there is no written equivalent of this.  
> [Mad Lib Madness](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLG1BCPn4QAIWc15yT2jweinCYWaiNXPyn)


	78. my girl cass deserves everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for missing yesterday (that also applies to missing updates in the upcoming days). My mom is sick (not COVID) and with my dad out of town I have to take care of her and do all the house stuff and that hasn’t been leaving a lot of time for posting, much less writing, so updates are gonna be patchy at best  
> HOWEVER  
> THIS CHAPTER HAS CASS  
> DANCING  
> SO LIKE, I THINK THIS MAKES UP FOR IT
> 
> [The song she’s dancing to](https://youtu.be/eUQTYcdOecY) Gives me shivers everytime, 10/10 would listen to everyday

“Tim,” Cass’ voice sounded from beneath Tim’s safe spot that was tied to the ceiling. He placed his laptop to the side and leaned over.

“Yeah?”

“ _Could you help me with one of my dance moves?_ ” She signed. “ _I keep losing my balance and I’m not sure why._ ”

He didn’t think he’d be the person to go to about this, but okay. “ _Sure. Be right there_.” He leaped down, well aware that he was leaving his safe spot. But Cass was worth losing for, he guessed.

She led him over to the corner she’d been practicing in for the past few days and Tim immediately began looking for places of safety. They were close to the trophies, so he could scale the dinosaur if needed. And he and that penny had history, so he figured that would be a good place too. The wall nearby was also jagged rock, which meant he could climb that too. Okay, contingencies out of the way, he looked to Cass.

“ _So what move is causing you problems_?” He signed.

She walked over to where she had a bō on the floor and picked it up. “The dance I am working on has elements of the family in it. Your section involves a bō.”

Ah, that’s why she asked him. “ _That sounds awesome. Show me?_ ”

She nodded and grabbed her phone, playing the music she’d picked. Tim recognized it, but he wasn’t sure where from. Maybe it was that tune he’d heard Damian humming a couple weeks back...

She skipped forward and when she hit play again, Tim was taken aback to find Jason’s voice layered over the violin, singing.

“Woah, is that Jay? When did you have time to do this?”

She smiled, “I asked Robin for the music several months ago, and Red Hood agreed to sing the lyrics when I came back to visit. His voice is very pretty. Nightwing is playing bass as well because Robin wanted it to have more dimension.” She leaned the bō on her chest so she could sign. “ _Says that just violin would be boring. He is playing violin, cello, and piano. Put the music together himself, though I had to ask Oracle to add Jason’s singing_.”

Tim reached over and backed the song up so he could listen to it from the beginning. Once Jason started singing, he realized exactly what song this was, even though Jason’s voice was lower and smoother than the original singer’s. Heathens by twenty one pilots. String version apparently. And damn, it was sending shivers down his spine.

“ _Bruce know about this?_ ”

She shook her head. He nodded and kept listening.

“ _The dance goes through parts of each one of us. It starts with Nightwing, lots of acrobatics, and then Oracle, Red Hood, You, Spoiler, Me, Signal, and Robin. Yours involves work with a bō, but when I designed the moves I didn’t think it would be as difficult as it is._ ”

He hummed in acknowledgement, but was too entranced by the music to verbally respond further.

The song ended a few minutes later and Tim was kinda speechless. He could tell that Cass could tell by the proud smirk on her face. He cleared his throat. “That was amazing. Who is playing the drums?”

She frowned, “ _Recording. I do not know anyone who can play drums_.”

“ _You know me_.” Tim responded. “ _I’m not very good, but this one seems simple enough. If you want it to be completely ours, then I can play them for you._ ”

She beamed and Tim couldn’t help but return the expression. “So, what are the moves?”

“ _Would you like me to dance it from the beginning so you can understand what I’m trying to do_?”

He grinned wider, “ _Please_.”

She hit replay and the intro began again, Jason’s smooth voice taking over his ears. Her moves were angelic, dipping deep into the splits before rising out of it in a back walk over. She did flips and pirouettes, dipping down into deep bows, rolling her wrists with every draw of the bow across the strings. It looked impractical, but Tim quickly recognized the move as a modified version of the way Dick would hit people (specifically in the thighs and calves) with his escrima sticks.

And then the beat dropped and the moves changed entirely with it. They still held the gracefulness, the power, but it focused in the arms. In fact, Cass was barely moving her legs beyond slight shuffles to the side and dipping down into crouches, but still... it was powerful. Entrancing. She’d captured Barbara Gordon in every move.

When the violin shifted to become more upbeat, quick draws across the bō, her style shifted again.

Heavy. Rough. The moves reflected anger in its rawest form. Tim didn’t even think it was possible to look at a dance move and go, “ah yes, Red Hood.” But here he was, immediately seeing the crisp moves and angered movements that came with knowing Jason Todd reflected in Cass’ movements. The gracefulness from before was gone, replaced.

Jason’s voice hit the high note and Cass switched again. It took Tim longer than it should’ve to recognize that this was his part— he was after Jason after all— but watching her he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing.

Her movements were something that seemed calculated, and that made even less sense than saying that Jason’s section was angry— yet it was true. Her body twisted in ways he recognized— ways he knew. He did those. Those were his moves. Arching kicks that swept through the air, slight rotations of the shoulders and wrists designed to keep the bō from hitting him back, quick, light steps that all blend together into something that was so distinctly Tim. He’d always thought that his style was just a blend of everyone else’s moves, that was what he saw it as, what everyone else saw it as. But not Cass.

When the beat changed again, Tim expected the person to as well, but instead Cass reached towards her suit and uncollapsed a bō.

Oh right.

This part.

Forgot about this part.

He was supposed to be helping her.

Cass started using the bō— and he can’t believe he was about to say this— like a pole dancer might. Which, admittedly, Tim knew how to pole dance. He learned it specifically to help him woth his bō. But that is NOT the point here. The point is that Cass was using the bō like a pole dancer would, whipping around it and yeah, Tim could see how she might loose her balance doing something like that. The bō isn’t exactly connected to the floor and ceiling like a pole would be.

But she was pulling it off great. That is, until she moved so that she was braced above the bō by one arm, poised in the air like Dick would be when he’s feeling particularly dramatic, and the bō slipped, and Cass fell to the floor.

He stopped the music and rushed forward to help her up, despite the fact that she’d mostly landed on her feet. Is Cass also a cat?

“ _First off, that was amazing. Second off, I have some ideas. You ready?_ ”

She nodded, a smile on her face, and they got to business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you guys wanna see something [SAD](https://comicstoastonish.tumblr.com/post/180188028202/heroes-in-crisis-2-2018-writer-tom-king)


	79. You Will Never Be As Cool As Them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) the end of the game draws near

Tim was halfway through running a move over one last time with Cass when Jason yelled the cursed words, “THE FLOOR IS LAVA MOTHERFUCKERS!”

Tim immediately went for the wall next to him, digging his fingers into the rock and climbing quickly. Good thing he was trained for this too. (The amount of seemingly useless skills in his repertoire that have actually turned out to be useful is ridiculous). Cass used the bō in her hands to launch herself onto the head of the Dinosaur. Across the cave, Tim saw Jason standing proudly upon the Batmobile, hands on his hips, watching the chaos unfold around him.

Oh.

OH.

That’s why Jay called it.

Bruce was nowhere near safety.

_HAHAHAHAHAHA_

Wait— fuck— what was this man doing?

Tim squinted his eyes in disapproval as he watched Batman doing a running leap into the air, grasp onto Dick’s hammock by the edge, the force of his body weight causing the hammock to slingshot Nightwing across the Cave— right into the medbay.

Tim grimaced. Well, at least they wouldn’t have far to move him.

Spoiler was also sprinting to safety in the form of Duke, who was also running to safety. Tim could not see this going well. Stephanie flipped forward into a cartwheel and then a handspring and landed on Duke’s shoulders, clinging onto him like a child, while Duke continued to book it to what Tim assumed was his chosen safe spot— a small stool that Damian had dragged out a few hours ago so that he would be the same height as Tim (they were arguing, okay? Damian is petty like that).

Speaking of the demon child, Damian had flipped on top of one of the suit display cases at the last possible second.

Silence. The air was still. Nightwing broke the silence by groaning loudly, holding his head.

Jason, as expected, laughed and called it safe. “Nightwing, you’re dead. Congrats. Your punishment is to say the opposite of what you mean until the game ends.”

“What?” Nightwing sat up quickly, and yeah, Tim was 90% sure that he was swaying slightly.

“You heard me. Enjoy.”

“I.... I love you.” Dick replied, glaring at Jason.

“Mmhm, me too.”

Tim chuckled and jumped back down to the floor. “ _Hey Cass,”_ He signed. “ _I’m gonna go check on Dick, make sure he doesn’t have a concussion or anything. I think you’ve got the move down anyways_.”

She nodded in response and clicked play on the song once again, running through the dance from the top.

Tim jogged across the cave. Why? Because he could feel Bruce’s stare on him from when Bruce had pulled himself into the hammock and just _knew_ that Bruce was looking for the opportunity to catch him off guard. Well jokes on you, Batman, Tim wasn’t going down easy.

“Hey Big Bird,” Tim grinned. “You feeling alright?”

Dick grunted, “I definitely didn’t hear something crack, so I’m doing fine. Ice? I don’t know her.”

Tim tried not to laugh. Oh, Jason’s punishments were something else, weren’t they? “Sure thing, point to the pain?”

Dick gestured to all of him.

“Pointing to everywhere doesn’t help, dumbo.”

Dick pouted. “Fuck off.”

Tim raised an eyebrow. Was Dick trying to ask for more help or had he forgotten his punishment already?

Dick helped him out by pulling himself onto the bed and laying down, clutching his head. “Getting thrown was fun, would love to do it again sometime. It’s hot in here.”

Tim walked to one of the counters and got a small flashlight. “Eyes.” By the time he turned around, Dick had removed his domino mask. Tim shone the light in his eyes, checking for a concussion.

“No concussion. Lucky you, Duke still has a broken nose.”

“Mhmm, so lucky.”

“This punishment is making you more sarcastic than me,” Tim noted. “And I thought I couldn’t be beaten in sarcasm levels.”

Dick glared, still holding his temple. “Unfortunately the spot has been taken.”

Tim smirked, ah yes, opposite for ‘please, take the title of Sarcasm King back. I’d rather be making bad puns.’

“I’ll go get you some ice and have Agent A take care of you the rest of the way. You don’t have a concussion that I can tell so go ahead and take a nap.”

“Water?”

Tim tilted his head to the side. The fuck was water supposed to mean? Oh. ohhhhh. “If anyone calls it on you while you’re sleeping I’ll fight them myself. Don’t worry, big bro.” He grabbed an ice pack from the small freezer they kept there specifically for ice packs and handed it to Dick.

Dick sighed and relaxed on the bed, pressing the ice to his forehead, “You’re welcome.”

“I don’t think that’s the opposite of thank you, but we’ll go with it.” He replied and jogged off to go get Alfred.

* * *

Comments:

“Dayum batman ain’t playin around”

“NIGHT _YEET_ ”

“RR clinging onto that wall for dear life is my aesthetic”

“LANGUAGE HOOD”

“The way Hood is standing really shows off his thighs and I didn’t know I needed that so badly until now”

“That was so close for most parties involved omg”

“Spoiler yeeting herself on Signal and Signal not faltering?? Hot”

“The entire family is a Meme and that’s a fact”

“I would like a slow motion video of Nightwing’s flight across the cave plz”

“You might be cool but you’ll never be ‘Red Hood standing confidently on top of the Batmobile’ cool”

“What about ‘Black Bat standing on top of a dinosaur‘ cool cause like,,, look at her.”


	80. 11:00

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t edit cause i didnt want to

11:00 PM.

One Hour Left.

Tim had been relaxing in his makeshift hammock ever since he’d walked back down to the Cave, Alfred in tow, only to have Cass snap three times— her signal to get everyone’s attention— and sign “ _the floor is lava_.”

You can imagine how that went. Safe to say, Tim was not above climbing butlers if it meant safety. Sure, he was apologizing the entire time, but still...

He was 90% sure Alfred was smiling the entire time as Tim hitched a piggy back ride on him, but he wasn’t entirely sure because he was too busy chanting, “I’m sorry Alfred, so sorry, please don’t ground me, I’m sorry, you don’t deserve this, sorry—“ Not to mention that he was also looking for Bruce, who had been forced to stay in the Cave until at least 12:01 AM for the finality of The Floor is Lava Week.

Speaking of, Bruce had taken a running leap onto the Batmobile, throwing Damian off, who had taken shelter there only moments before. Luckily, Damian had landed close enough to the railing to scamper onto it and call it safe.

Red Hood had been chilling in the Hammock, and Nightwing had done an over complicated flip to reach the training equipment, which he’d scaled high enough to be safe. Signal had been relaxing in on of the blanket masses, tripped over the blankets as he’d tried to reach safety, only to be helped up by Spoiler and they’d both booked it for the nearest safe spot— which happened to be the wall nearby. Watching both of them claw at the rock madly had been kinda entertaining, but Tim was too busy apologizing to laugh. Black Bat had casually climbed onto the giant Joker card that was hidden behind the penny (it scared Duke the first night and they’d decided to hide it) (plus Jason was there) (and Barbara).

But now they were in the last stretch and tension was high. Tim refused to leave his safe spot. He was so close to winning, all Bruce had to do was mess up. Just once.

And that was the exact problem. Bruce wasn’t slipping up. Sure, he’d cut it real damn close several times, but he’d never messed up enough for an out. He was mostly sticking near safe spots that were reliable— the suit cases, training equipment, etc. Bats didn’t have a chosen safe spot like Tim did, and that was the worst part. This dude was still sitting here with zero outs and having no chosen safe spot.

Tim narrowed his eyes the second he saw Dick perk up. Here it comes...

“The floor is lava!”

Yep. There it is.

Bruce was once again near safety. Everyone was actually. All except... Damian.

Wait... had Dick Grayson stooped so low as to purposefully call it during a moment of clear weakness for Damian? Why was he weak? Because Batcow had been let back into the Cave and was currently laying on Damian’s legs. Very cute. 10/10 would instagram. But... Damian had a 1,500 pound cow leaning against his legs. Look, Damian was strong for his age and height, but even he had no chance with moving the cow.

And Dick knew that, didn’t he?

Damian’s eyes were wide and he was trying to get Batcow to move, but the cow was completely out of it. Just nappin away...

Tim tried not to laugh, he really did, but then he saw Jason across the cave, clutching his helmet like he was doing the exact same thing and...

Now Damian was glaring between the two of them as they laughed their asses off from their respective safe spots. Spoiler, Nightwing, and Signal joined in too.

“Robin is out. Punishment is to treat Red Robin the way you treat me for the next hour.”

Damian scowled from where he was half covered by a sleeping cow.

“Woah wait,” Steph spoke up. “Aren’t you still supposed to be saying the opposite of what you mean?”

A pause. Nightwing’s eyes widened. “...shit. I meant uh... the ceiling is water and... Robin is in. His reward is to treat me like shit... yeah.”

Tim and Jason had yet to stop laughing.

* * *

Comments:

“A... cow?”

“wHy iS tHeRe a CoW”

“‘Treat me like shit’ I’m dying”

“I love the way signal and bats are just chillin together, like I wish my dad was cool like that”

“...is Batman even Signal’s dad? Or is it just like they’re just bros?”

“The Red’s laughter tho. Like, the crops are watered. My skin is clear. COVID-19 is cured. Everything is Okay again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is nigh....
> 
> Also, the [second chapter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490672/chapters/59450173) of anti-hero Tim is up :)


	81. 11:59

It was 11:59.

Tim and Bruce were still tied for first place.

Everyone knew that they were tied for first place.

Tim was 90% sure that everyone except Damian was rooting for him. Which was sweet, but not really helping him here cause Batman just wouldn’t. get. out.

The air was stiff and silent. Jason was already crouched on the Batmobile, waiting. Dick was in his hammock. Bruce was working out on the training equipment, close enough to climb quickly without explicitly being in a safe zone. Cass and Steph were curled up in the corner watching Tangled under many blankets, the trophies right next to them to be used as a safe spot. Duke was reading next to Tim in Tim’s safe spot up by the ceiling. Everyone was well aware of the time. Everyone knew what had to go down.

Either Bruce or Tim would have to lose in the next minute, or they’d tie. And Tim did NOT want to tie because that meant a tie breaker round and that meant his win/loss would be out of his control. The floor is lava? Easy. But what if his siblings came up with some bullshit tiebreaker round? Suddenly that was much more difficult and out of his control.

What if he had to compete in some sort of strength competition? No way he’d win that... What if it was a staring contest? He was 99% sure Bruce could avoid blinking for fifteen minutes straight and despite the fact that Tim would forget to blink for minutes at time, he knew he couldn’t beat that. Especially if he was thinking about not blinking. Would Jason put them in a cooking competition? Tim figured he had a pretty good chance with that one, Bruce was a terrible cook, but Tim wasn’t that great either... What if Dick made them compete in Mario Cart or Wii Bowling? He had the Mario Cart down but Bruce was scarily good at bowling...

Tim was snapped out of his thoughts by the door to the Cave opening and Alfred stepping through the doors, a mask on his face. “The floor is lava,” he announced, and then stepped back out of the room.

Everyone was safe in about two seconds, having been ready to spring to action for the last hour.

Tim made direct eye contact with Bruce and had that horrible, horrible moment of knowing exactly what the man was thinking. Bruce wasn’t going down.

What if... Tim just... let Bruce win? It would be so easy. All he would have to do is jump down from the safe spot. He could even be dramatic and yell “TAKE ME!” as he did so. It would be fun and one helluva way to go down. It’s not like he’d gotten to do any self sacrificing this week (despite how much he wanted to).

He was about to spring down from his hammock when Bruce spoke up.

“Don’t do it. I know what you’re thinking. Don’t sacrifice yourself because you feel bad for me. I’d rather tie.”

And in the moments that Tim had hesitated, the clock turned 12:00.

The floor is lava week was officially over.

Bruce and Tim were tied for first, and now there was going to have to be a tie breaker round.

* * *

“Okay so...” Nightwing began, looking around at his family. “Currently tied for first is Batman and Red Robin. The tiebreaker round is to be announced after this. In third place, is Black Bat. Fourth place is Red Hood. Fifth place is me, Nightwing. Sixth place is Signal. Seventh is Robin, and Eighth is Spoiler.”

They all nodded. The announcement of the places was something they were all painfully aware of— Spoiler most of all— but they decided to let their Tik Tok followers know the places. After all, they deserved it. Hence the announcements, done by one Nightwing... *uhhhh insert superhero last name here? Nightwing Cool Guy Great Ass?* as he stood atop the Batcomputer. Said Batcomputer was covered in cases because Batman had found stuff to cure his boredom.

“And finally, after much debate on what the tiebreaker round should be, it has been decided that tomorrow we will answer the age old question: Who is really the World’s Greatest Detective?”


	82. World’s Greatest Detective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I um... got a bit carried away with this chapter...

Immediately after hearing the announcement of the tiebreaker round, Tim went upstairs to go to sleep. Why was he sleeping of his own free will? Because he wanted to win, that’s why. He needed to be top of his game in order to beat Bruce, and top of his game meant functioning on what he hoped would be eight hours of sleep.

Pop two sleeping pills, spray the lavender essential oil that Babs got his for Christmas last year onto his pillow (Tim had used it a total of twice but kept it anyways because he actually did like it), play some peaceful sleep music that Dick had recommended, and slam his face into the pillow.

Sleep.

He was not very good at this.

Was it normal to be bad at a basic human function? Probably not.

His mind was racing. He was a good detective, he knew that. Hell, he was great. He’d figured out the best kept secret in the world at the age of nine. But Bruce was called the World’s Greatest Detective for a reason. He had twenty years of detective experience that Tim didn’t have. He was Batman for crying out loud.

Tim knew how good he was. He knew how good Bruce was. They worked together so often that sometimes they’d come up with the solution and say it at the exact same time. Hell, at one point Tim had woken up from a dream, ran out of his room in only his boxers, and crashed into Bruce halfway down the hallway. When Bruce has asked Tim what he was doing, Tim had told him about his idea regarding the case. And Bruce’s eyes had widened slowly, and he’d explained that he’d had the exact same idea and was on his way to tell Tim.

That had been one hell of a Matrix moment right there.

But that wasn’t the point. The point was, they were both good. Equals, even. With a few more years of experience, Tim figured he might be better than Bruce, but right now? He had no clue.

His family had chosen the one competition possible where each contestant stood an equal chance. And that wasn’t helping Tim sleep right now.

It took another 30 minutes— by then it was 1:15 AM— but Tim eventually drifted off, the sleeping pills kicking in.

* * *

“Okay so here’s how this is gonna go.” Nightwing began. “We’ve made a small collection of cases. Some ran cold years ago, some are fresh, some have been open for a few months. They’re in no particular order and not even all of them are located in Gotham. We pulled some strings and got a few detectives in other cities to lend us some of their cases. I think there’s one in here from Italy or something, hope you two remember your Italian cause we didn’t translate it for you.

“There’s thirty cases in total, arranged randomly, but each of you have the same selection. You have the next three hours to solve as many as you can, how you deal with them doesn’t matter, but the person with the most cases cleared wins and is officially dubbed the World’s Greatest Detective. Any questions?”

Tim raised his hand, feeling kinda stupid. Why was he raising his hand? He wasn’t in school. “What if we tie again? Or finish all the cases?”

He heard Jason make a soft “oooh” sound in the background. Tim tried to ignore it, but he definitely heard Damian’s protest of, “Drake seriously thinks he can beat Father? Tt. Impossible.”

Well now Tim really wanted to win.

“If you tie then you get another hour and five more cases. But I doubt you two will tie, much less finish your stack. Anything else?”

Bruce raised his hand and oh thank god it wasn’t just Tim. Maybe that was just a human thing. “Will the difficulty of the cases affect the final result? If I finish one cold case, but Red Robin finish’s three easy ones, then I don’t see how that’s fair.”

Tim tilted is head to the side. That was a good point.

“We’ll... take that into consideration then. You two ready?”

Tim could feel the anxiety pooling in his stomach. Bruce and Tim both sat at two large desks that seemed to have either been constructed in the middle of the night (he wouldn’t put that past Jason) or brought into the cave in the middle of the night (he wouldn’t put that past Steph). Each had a computer in front of them— a supercomputer, obviously. Like the Batcomputer, but smaller, with all the data on the batcomputer and everything it could access (or so Nightwing said. Tim was skeptical though). There was a cup of coffee on Tim’s desk, tea on Bruce’s, along with a crate with the thirty cases. They each had a notepad and pencil as well.

Bruce nodded that he was ready. Tim took a deep breath and nodded. He was going to be fine, right?

“Then your time begins... now.”

Tim scrambled for the crate of cases. He pulled one out.

Cold case. He set it to the side. He didn’t have time to deal with dead ends. That could take hours. Maybe even days.

Next. Serial killer. Oooh, funnnn.... but once again, serial killers were tricky, the case would take way too long. He set it aside and grabbed another.

He could hear his family making comments behind him, confused as to what he was doing. At the other desk, Bruce had already picked a case and begun working. Shit...

Tim looked at the case file. Ah, the Italian one. It looked pretty easy though. A bank robbery with a good list of suspects. He frowned, before setting the case in a separate pile.

Hey, maybe this was a good idea. Separate the cases into easy, medium, and hard and work from there.

Arson case, mostly already solved but never finished due to the Coronavirus. Easy.

Grocery store robbery, Metropolis. Metropolis had plenty of cameras set up, all he had to do was comb through some CCTV footage and done. Easy pile.

Rape case. Good thing about these sorts of cases is that the victim usually tells the truth. He flipped through it. Heyyyyy, a police sketch. Run that through the facial recognition and filter for the date listed and that would hopefully wrap that one up. Easy.

Bank robbery. Usually hard but the criminals left a mark behind, letting people know who did it. If he could connect that to some other cases with the same mark... medium stack.

He quickly went through several more— hard, medium, hard, easy, easy, medium, hard, easy, easy, hard, medium, medium...

He stared at the case in his hands. The murder of Princess Diana? Uhhhh... hard? Was this even still a relevant case or were his brothers just fucking with him? He looked behind him to make a questioning face.

Steph burst out laughing, “He got to the one,” she wheezed.

Tim shook his head and put the case down. He looked at the timer, which was taking up the massive screen of the Batcomputer. Two hours and 47 minutes left.

Okay, keep going Tim.

Tim stared at the next case, even more bewildered than before. Someone had stolen a herd of zebras??? From the zoo??? What???

Medium.

Next.

Oooh, a Gotham-related case. Court of Owls too, if the way the victim was killed is any indication. Fun. He stuck that in the easy pile, just cause.

Next.

Homocide. Wife of the victim was out of town at the time. Tim considered the case a bit further before sticking it in the medium stack.

He looked at the crate. Seven more to sort and then he could start on the easy stack.

Medium, hard, medium.

Ooooh, a case addressing a lawsuit against Lex Luthor. That was going in the easy pile, no matter how hard it actually was. Tim would happily bash Lex at any given moment. He actually laughed a bit, causing Bruce to glance up at him in confusion.

Missing persons case. Tim looked at the information in the folder a bit more before sticking it in the easy. He knew exactly what this one was.

Recently reopened case regarding the murder of Nora Allen. Blamed on the husband, child insisted that it wasn’t him though, new evidence came to light a few years back but nothing ever went through. Medium.

Last one. This one was also not written in English. In fact it was in Japanese. Tim frowned, his Japanese wasn’t bad but it also wasn’t good enough to work with this one. Hard.

He grabbed the hard stack and stuck it back in the crate. Medium stack went on the floor, easy stack on the left corner of his desk.

Now to begin.

He grabbed one. Missing person’s case. This would take him five minutes, tops. Why? Because Tim had already solved this case two nights ago after finding it in the records. It had never been solved, Bruce had set it aside after a mass grave was discovered underneath the wreckage of a building that had been destroyed in an alien invasion, and it was assumed this person was one of the many found there, though that had never been confirmed. When the bodies were finished being examined and identified, this missing person was not among them, leaving it another cold case. But Tim had pulled it out for funsies and had figured out over the course of a few hours that the person— Hannah Smithe, was actually a victim of Professor Pyg’s experimentation.

Tim quickly filled in the details, happy for his eidetic memory, and closed the case. One down.

Bruce was still working on the original case he had picked. Tim recognized it as the serial killer case. Good for him.

Time: two hours and 36 minutes remaining.

Tim flew through the next few cases, arson, rape, robbery.

Two hours left.

At the other desk, Bruce closed the file he was working on. One down for him, four for Tim.

He smiled and got to work on the Lex Luthor case. Good news, Tim had plenty of evidence against Luthor. He quickly typed it all up, connected it to the lawsuit, and generally now had a massive file on why Luthor was an Asshole TM.

Next.

He finished up the easy stack in the next thirty minutes. Bruce had worked through three more in that time.

Tim: 11

Bruce: 4

Tim grabbed the medium stack from the floor and set it in place of where the easy stack had cleared out. First: murder of Nora Allen.

Good news: he knew the kid in the file was telling the truth. Why? Because the kid in said file was Barry Allen, aka the Flash, and Tim had heard this story before. Bad news: actually proving that the murder of Nora Allen had happened as a result of an evil time traveling speedster wasn’t exactly easy.

Tim began typing, brain working fast. He pulled up CCTV footage of the Reverse Flash’s many attacks, slowed it, coupled it with lil’ Barry’s account of the event. Added further evidence along with the husband’s—Henry’s— testimony. Took some data from the Batcomputer regarding the Flash and Reverse Flash and bam, case proven. Take that CCPD. You fucken wimps.

The homocide case took a bit more effort, and the zoo case was just Weird. On all levels. Eventually though, he had those solved too.

Thirty minutes left.

Tim had 14/30 cases solved. Bruce had 9/30.

That was good. But Bruce had finished some cases that Tim had put in the hard pile and that would count in the final score.

Tim grabbed the hard stack and chose the serial killer case. He would finish this one up at the least, before time ran out.

* * *

Time: 7:08 minutes remaining.

_Fuckkkkkkk_.

Tim wrapped up the serial killer case and set it in the finished pile. He looked up to find that Bruce had added another two cases to his stack and was working on the next one. It was the missing person’s case. Tim grinned, that one had taken him hours to figure out. Bruce would be stuck for a little while longer.

Tim knew he couldn’t finish another case in the time that he had, but he could try. Part of him was tempted to grab the Princess Diana one just for brownie points, the other part chose something a bit more manageable.

Tim read the details of the case. Kidnapping case. He’d stuck it in the hard section because the kid was never found, but as Tim looked further he saw that the kid had only been missing since February 17th.

...wait a minute.

“Holy _shit_!” Tim exclaimed, standing quickly. His chair scraped across the floor, but Tim didn’t care. He grabbed the case, looked closer, and yep, Tim was going to close a difficult missing person’s case in under seven minutes.

He grabbed his coffee, chugged what was left of it, slammed it on the desk hard enough for the ceramic to crack slightly, laughed and yelled, “Fuck you, Batman!” in triumph, and then he sprinted out of the cave, cape trailing behind him.

He could hear the confusion of his family members, but he didn’t slow down his dash to his room.

He slammed open the door to his room, grabbed his camera, and sprinted back down the cave, scrolling through his camera roll to find the exact photos he needed.

He found it and laughed, the sound echoing through the Cave. He plugged his camera up to the computer and downloaded the files. Bam.

On February 17th, there had been a wonderful sunset over Gotham. Absolutely stunning. And Tim, ever the photographer, had decided to go capture it. Thing was, he’d been running along rooftops with his camera and had accidentally snapped several photos that he didn’t mean to. When he’d scrolled through the photos later that night, he’d found several blurry and distorted photos of a building. However, inside the building was a clear enough scene: a kidnapping. He’d never been able to solve the case though, because Joker and Scarecrow had attacked only two days later and then the Coronavirusbecame a problem after that and... yeah. But still.

He matched the photo with the photo of the victim on record. 73% match on facial recognition.

Tim’s approximated location at the time he’d taken the photo also matched with the victim’s apartment location and while no evidence had been found in the victim’s apartment that he’d been kidnapped there, Tim now had the evidence in his hand.

Three minutes, forty nine seconds.

Tim ran several more quick tests, matched several more pieces of information, and laughed harder each time as he drew closer. Satellite footage and large scale facial recognition scans and...

He had this case in the bag.

Tim closed the case with three seconds left. He marked down the final location of the victim and circled it three times in bold, red ink.

“Time.” Nightwing called the second the timer hit zero.

Bruce and Tim stepped away from their respective desks. It was already pretty clear that Tim had solved the most, but if difficulty were to be taken into account then Bruce probably had a good chance.

Tim nodded to Bruce and Bruce returned it.

Now they waited for the rest of the family to judge the round.

* * *

“Okay,” Nightwing began. “First off, let’s start with how many cases you each solved. Batman solved 12 cases while Red Robin solved 16. It’s obvious who the winner is there. However, then we took into account the difficulty of the cases and the amount of time taken to solve them. And then, we worked off your results to have them cross checked for accuracy. I’d like to congratulate you both, neither of you completed a case inaccurately. In fact, 23 of the 30 cases we assigned you were all solved in a matter of three hours, so I’m starting to think we should have you two do this more often. The last case is currently being checked, Red Robin’s kidnapping case that he solved at the end, but chances of that one being correct are little to none, so it wasn’t counted.”

Tim frowned at that. Not fair...

Red Hood stepped forward, taking over for a moment. “Batman, you solved more difficult cases than Red Robin did. While he only completed two of what we considered ‘hard cases’ you completed eight. Good job. However, one of the hard cases that Red Robin completed was done in under five minutes, which gave him a point boost there.“

“But enough dragging it on. The winner is... Batman, due to a greater number of difficult cases completed.” Nightwing announced.

Tim felt the excitement leave his soul. Damn... he really thought he’d won.

Then the phone rang. Nightwing’s vigilante phone, to be specific.

He put it on speakerphone.

“This is Nightwing.”

“Hi, Nightwing. Officer Montoya here to confirm the kidnapping case you gave us an assist on. We found the kid, exactly where you told us we would. Dunno how you guys did it, we didn’t have squat on that case, thought it was a complete dead end. Kid thanks you guys a lot, he’s currently on his way to Gotham General to get checked out.”

Nightwing quickly thanked the Officer and hung up the phone.

Silence.

Tim stared ahead. Wait a second... that case hadn’t been counted in his final score because it had been taking too long to confirm...

“Well.” Nightwing says. “That changes things. That case, along with the Princess Diana case that neither of you solved, were considered in the impossible section. Cases with little to no evidence and no leads. However....”

Red Hood looked at Tim, gaze hard under his helmet. “Red Robin solved it completely in under seven minutes. Meaning Red Robin has just snatched Batman’s title right from under his feet.”

“Congratulations, little wing.” Nightwing finished. “You not only have the first place in the Floor is Lava, but you’ve also just proven yourself to be the World’s Greatest Detective.”

Was Tim grinning like a maniac? Yes, yes he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys really think I wouldn’t have Tim win? First off, he’s canonically better than Bruce. Second off, he’s my favorite, I play favorites, this entire fic is called Red Robin’s tik tok account, obviously he’s my favorite, who do you think I am?


	83. Chapter 82 but as a Tik Tok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think NM wanted to see how many Marvel and John Mulaney references she could fit into this comments section

Barbara must’ve had a lot of fun editing the footage of the tiebreaker round video because the resulting video was nothing short of fantastic.

It begun with the announcement that Batman and Red Robin has tied for first and therefore had to enter a tiebreaker round. Cue very dramatic music that might have been Duel of the Fates. Who knows, certainly not Babs.

Close ups of the case files, showing parts of the reports such as “homocide” or “stolen zebras.” Dramatic angles of Batman and Red Robin’s intense gazes as they worked hard to win. And then the drama stopped.

Replaced by what could only be described as meme nonsense.

A shaky close of up of Robin’s face as he scowled at Red Robin setting yet another file in the finished stack. A close up on Batman’s lips as he translated Japanese a quickly as he could. Nightwing getting bored and doing as many consecutive handsprings as possible. Red Hood getting annoyed by Nightwing and tripping him. Red Robin’s reaction to the Princess Diana case followed by a ten second mockumentary by Spoiler on why Princess Diana deservedbetter. Batman finishing one, two, three cases in what could be considered fairly rapid succession followed by Red Robin’s panicked expression.

And then the montage stopped on a dark clip of something on the floor. It zoomed in.

“Issa a bugggg,” Signal cooed quietly. “I can’t tell Robin or he’ll take it from me. This is my bug. He’s my friend. His name is Fredrick the Fourth.”

And then the video cut right back to the dramatic montage of Batman and Red Robin seriously working.

And then— “Holy _shit_!”

The screech of Red Robin’s chair echoed and the camera zoomed in on Batman’s mildly-alarmed-but-not-really-that-surprised expression. It zoomed back out as Red Robin cackled in joy, chugged his coffee, and slammed the mug on the table.

Pause.

Come Red, why would you almost shatter your second favorite mug?

And then Red Robin was cackling as he yelled, “Fuck you, Batman!” Absolute triumph in his voice.

And then he was gone, sprinting out of the cave.

The camera turned slowly to Nightwing who was looking very offended, a sharp contrast from the confused, but highly amused faces of everyone else in the cave. “I gave him that mug...” Nightwing whispered, sounding like he was on the verge of tears. Spoiler gently patted his shoulder.

And then Red Robin was racing back in, probably going the human equivalent of a bullet train, still cackling in glee.

And then time was up. Nightwing announced the winner—Red Robin. There was also a title saying “Bats originally won because we couldn’t get confirmation on one of RR’s cases but then we got the Call and had to change the final result.”

The camera then zoomed in on Robin’s pouty face for a whole .5 seconds before switching to the expression of absolute glee on Red Robin’s face. In the background, Batman looked the same as ever, but when one Cassandra Cain watched it, she insisted that Batman was proud. Very, very proud.

* * *

Comments:

“Okay, that’s it, I would die for Red Robin”

“ALL HAIL FREDRICK THE FOURTH”

“ALL HAIL”

“I would literally die for Signal”

“If anything were to happen to signal, I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself”

“#protect signal squad”

“*RR smashes mug* ANOTHER”

“*nightwing crying* thanks for checking in, I’m sTiLL a PiEcE oF GaRbAgE”

“*batman when he doesn’t win* I’ve been working, foR 30 MINUTES”

“We all know who killed Princess Diana”

“It was a high waisted man with feminine hips who loves his wife very much”

“And RR smashed his mug on the ground and yelled SCATTER”

“His brain cells ran like the rats in rat-a-tat-a-touille”

“Ok. But like, how did he figure out the last case?”

“We still don’t know. And for now, this case will remain: unsolved”

“....but... it was solved? In seven minutes?”

“Ryan would be ashamed”

“Imagine wanting to flex on your dad so hard that you solve a cold case in 7 minutes”


	84. Dionysus needs some pickles man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I wrote this while heavily sleep deprived... you guys know what that typically means
> 
> Why was I sleep deprived? Ha, well, you see, NM, JD, and I stayed up till 4:30 AM doing Minecraft build battles. What’s that you ask? Well for us it means we use a random word generator to pick a topic and then we have about 15 minutes to build something based on that topic. Why am I telling you this? Because one of the topics was “want toast” and if you read the toast chapter aka chapter 11, then you know exactly where my thought process went with that one. Did I win that round? Yes, yes I did.

“I hope that the three of you will at least stay for dinner tonight,” Alfred said, adducing Duke, Steph, and Babs, all of whom were meant to be going back to their respective places now that the Floor is Lava week was over. But when Alfred asked people to stay, there was no denying him. Even Jason knew this fact.

“Of course, Alfie.” Steph chirped, slinging an arm around Duke and another on top of Babs’ head. The other two nodded along.

“Wonderful. Any requests?”

Duke shook his head, “Anything you make will do, Alf.”

Alfred smiled, “Of course it will.”

* * *

Tim was back in his room, which was nice. He’d almost forgotten what his bed felt like (Jason’s mattress wasn’t too bad, but having his own bed again seemed like a miracle.)

Not to mention alone time. Alone time was nice. And so was being out of the suit. The floor is lava week was great, but Tim had heavy introverted tendencies (blame it on being alone in his house for days or weeks at a time) and right now, he was making some pretty detailed plans on how to avoid his family entirely for the next week.

* * *

Damian was glad the nonsense that was the Floor is Lava was over. Why? Because he had three adorable kittens to take care of and an empty canvas waiting for him to fill with a detailed oil painting of said kittens.

* * *

Dick was lounging on the the railing of the grand staircase in the entrance to the house. Why? Because Damian has shut himself in his room, Stephanie and Duke were playing an intense game of Sorry that Dick had missed the beginning of and therefore couldn’t join in. Jason was nowhere to be found (though Babs had said something about Jason going to get more groceries for Alfred). Speaking of Babs, she and Bruce were having tea in the living room right next to the intense game of Sorry and Dick got the feeling that he wasn’t invited.

So here he was, laying on the banister, bored and trying to figure out what to do with his life now that he wasn’t in an intense competition for the title of Floor Is Lava Champion.

Wait.

Nononono.

His trophy.

He’d have to give it up. To Tim.

Look, Dick loves his little brother. He loves him very much. But that trophy? That was Dick’s pride and joy. It had a shelf to itself in Dick’s living room back in his apartment in Blüdhaven. How was he supposed to give it up now that he’d lost?

...at least he wouldn’t have to give it to Bruce. Dick knew that the entire reason Bruce had been trying so hard to win was because he wanted to take Dick’s trophy and then casually brag about it until the next time they went through a Floor is Lava week. The bastard.

But still. He didn’t want to give it up.

Good news though: the trophy would still be in his apartment until this Corona thing blows over enough for Dick to go get it for Tim.

* * *

“NO!” Steph shrieked. “YOU CAN’T _DO_ THAT!”

Duke laughed, switching his piece with hers to ensure his victory. “I just did.”

* * *

Groceriessssss. List says get some mushrooms. Mushrooms...

Dammit. Ignore the weird guy in the Hawaiian shirt. Ignore the weird guy in the neon pink Hawaiian shirt. Ignore the weird guy in the— okay what the fuck was he doing?

Jason stared at the man, who was standing inside his cart in an attempt to reach the top shelf of the aisle (look, Jason understood that being short was difficult. He’d seen Tim and Damian try and do anything ever, but this was taking it a bit far). The man was saying weird shit too, like “gotta get the birdies” and “oooooooooh, macaroons.”

Note: neither of the things listed were anywhere near this aisle. This was the vegetable aisle and the man was reaching for the Jumbo jar of pickles.

Jason honestly wasn’t sure if he should be hauling this guy to Arkham or if this was just a normal quarantine thing. He chose the latter and turned back to where he was trying to pick out some acceptable mushrooms.

_**Crash!** _

Jason whipped around, only to find the man in the neon pink Hawaiian shirt sprawled on the ground, the cart he was standing in was rolling rapidly down the aisle— whoop, nevermind, the cart just crashed into some old grandma— and the Jumbo jar of pickles was shattered all over the ground, pickles everywhere and pickle juice having soaked the man, the tiles, and the cauliflower next to Jason.

Jason looked at the man. He looked at the mushrooms. He looked at the man. He looked at the mushrooms. He grabbed a container of mushrooms, put it in his cart, and left the aisle.

Jason never said he was a good samaritan.

Next on the list: vegetable oil.

Thank god it wasn’t pickles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that Babs, Steph, and Duke were going to have to leave now that the floor is lava week is over and I got really sad but then I realized that I’m the author and I control what happens in this fic and if I don’t want them to leave, then they don’t have to so it’s better now


	85. Dinner with the Fam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why didn’t the author post yesterday? Well you see, I’ve been too busy reading angsty fanfics to actually write my own fanfic so I straight up didn’t have a chapter to post yesterday. But it’s okay because I wrote things and now there are chapters

“Where’s Tim?” Jason asked, grabbing his chair and turning it around so he could straddle it. He felt Bruce’s glare of disapproval but didn’t care enough to sit in the chair normally.

“He’s coming.” Duke said. “He’s about to run into the doorway though.”

Dick made a confused expression, having not been mentally prepared for that statement. Tim was going to run into the doorway?

Lo and behold, Tim Drake rounded the corner, but rounded it a bit to much, and ran face first into the doorway, the phone he’d been staring at went clattering to the ground.

If anyone heard Damian’s snort of amusement, no one said anything.

Tim cursed quietly, picked up his phone, purposely avoided rubbing his forehead in pain, and took his place at the dinner table.

Was this the first time that the entire family was seated at the table? Yes. (They’d tried at Christmas but Jason had completely forgotten and instead had decided to take down a drug cartel in New Mexico). (They’d also tried a month before that for Thanksgiving but Dick had ended up in some Court of Owls trouble and Tim may or may not have been angry at Bruce and had decided to spend the holiday with the Teen Titans).

For a moment, it was quiet, everyone having the realization that their disastrous excuse for a family was actually together for a proper dinner for once and that no one was fighting? (Yet, most likely).

“Well this is asterous.” Dick said cheerfully, and then grabbed his fork and began eating the food on his plate.

Tim chuckled, having heard the term enough to actually understand it. “Yep, sooooo whelming.” He replied, sarcastically. His face still hurt... if that bruised he was going to have to put on makeup so Jason wouldn’t make fun of him.

“Not this again,” Jason groaned, deciding to focus more on his food rather than the stupidity in front of him.

Dick laughed, a full, completely real laugh that had the entire family smiling because in this family, real laughs aren’t something you get to hear often. Though, in the past week, more of those had happened then in the last several years, so that was a bonus. Maybe this quarantine thing wasn’t too bad after all.

“I do not understand,” Damian said.

“You’ll get it one day, kiddo.” Dick told him, patting his head. “It’s a teen titans thing. Eat your food.”

Damian scowled, but did as told. Silence filled the air once again as everyone took the time to enjoy their meals.

Cass snapped three times and everyone looked to her, “ _Watch a movie tonight?”_

They all looked around, but it didn’t take much else to decide that it was a family movie night. That meant everyone had to come. Ugh. Tim just wanted some alone time for once in his life. But movie night was movie night, even if they’d already had like seven of those since quarantine started.

“Sounds good to me,” He replied, taking a bite of some of his corn afterwards. “Jason, did you buy any popcorn while you were out?”

Jason winced, “Yeah, I did.”

“What was the face for?” Duke asked.

Jason took another bite of his food, purposely not answering the question yet. “I think everyone in that store was on drugs or something. I had to practically fight a woman in the snacks aisle cause she was trying to buy everything on the shelves. No joke, she had four carts full of shit.”

Steph snorted, “I would pay to see that.”

Jason shook his head, “I’ve seen crazy shit in my life. Joker, Scarecrow, Mask... ain’t none of them hold a candle to the fucking feral look in that woman’s eyes. Thought I was gonna die— again— when she glared at me for trying to get to the popcorn.”

Tim, trying not to choke on his food, thank you very much, cleared his throat, took several sips of water, and then spoke up, “You said that like she wasn’t the only crazy one in the store.”

“Well, discounting me and the Hawaiian Pickle Man, there was also the toddler who asked me to grab the unborn off the shelf for him cause I was tall. His mom looked at me dead in the eye and said ‘eggs. He wants eggs. I’m sorry.’ And then there was the college student that was having a mental breakdown in the middle of aisle three. And then the old southern grandpa who looked like he shouldn’t be alive and was undoubtedly drunk off his ass... he tried to eat the succulents they had on display near the flower section. One of the workers was trying her best to get him to stop but he kept yelling “I KNOW MAH RIGHTS!” and then he took a bite of a cactus and screamed and made the toddler from earlier cry and yeah... bad experience.”

“Bad?” Steph asked. “That sounds like the opposite of bad.”

“Are you sure you didn’t accidentally enter an alternate dimension?” Tim asked.

Duke’s eyes widened, thinking that Tim was serious because after the third time he heard someone in the family say “that one time I was dead” and finding out later that they weren’t joking, he started taking everything seriously.

Jason shrugged, “Maybe I did man, maybe I did.”

“But like, isn’t it a basic rule of the universe that most stores are in alternate dimensions?” Dick added.

“Like Home Depot,” Steph whispered, staring off into the distance.

Cass was looking at them all weird, because their body language showed that they were completely serious, but what the were saying made no sense. Maybe she needed to spend more time studying her English...

“Can we go back to the Hawaiian Pickle Man?” Babs asked.

Jason shook his head. “No, no we cannot. Next topic. Replacement, have any random fun facts?” Ah yes, Jason’s favorite way of diverting a conversation.

Tim perked up, “Ooh! During the Black Death, incoming ships were forced to wait 40 days to prevent possible infection. The Italian word for 40, “quaranta” is where we get the word “quarantine.””

“Sweet.” Jason replied, and went back to his dinner.

Duke tilted his head to the side, “Do you just have random fun facts memorized for the exact moment Jason asks you to give one or...?”

Dick laughed, “Kid has an eidetic memory, like Babs, can remember basically everything.”

Tim nodded. “Yep.” He didn’t say which person he was confirming. Maybe it was both. The point was, Jason had successfully changed the topic and now could enjoy his dinner in peace without having to think any further on his experience at the grocery store.

* * *

“Wait wait, I’m so confused— which one of you won?”

“I did,” Both Steph and Duke said confidently before turning to glare at the other.

“Okay... Babs, how was your afternoon?” Dick asked.

Babs smiled, “Good.” She didn’t elaborate further.

Dick sighed. Fine, silent dinner it is seeing as no one actually wants to share what they did today.

“What did _you_ do today?” Jason asked, though it sounded more like an interrogation.

Dick paused, flashing back to the two things he did which included: moping about having to give up his trophy and FaceTiming Wally only to watch his speedster friend have a mental breakdown over corn. Or rather, the lack of it.

Good times.

“Nothing much. FaceTimed Wally.” Keep it simple, do not go into detail on how Wally was sobbing while holding a can of corn and saying, “this is the last of the food in the house. I’m going to die. I’m going to starve to death and my last meal will be a mediocre can of corn.”

“Ooh fun.” Tim spoke up. “I tried FaceTiming Bart and Kon earlier but they were too busy starting up their Hugging Business to bother talking to me.”

“Hugging Business?”

“Yeah, since they have immune systems that keep them from getting sick, they can’t be affected by the ‘rona, so they’ve decided to start selling hugs to people who want a hug.”

“Hey! I could do that too!” Jason perked up. He didn’t want to, but hey, money.

Duke looked at him weird. “No?”

Jason nodded, “Yeah. Cause of the Lazarus Pit I can’t get sick anymore, which is why I’m on grocery duty.”

Duke looked confused, meanwhile Dick was considering how much he wanted to buy Babs those flowers he saw at the flower shop because now he was thinking about using that money for hugs... wait, who is he kidding? He’s the son of a billionaire. He can do both.

“But can’t you spread it?” Duke asked. “Isn’t that like, the whole reason the Coronavirus is dangerous? Because you could be a carrier and not even know?”

Jason shrugged, “Maybe. Haven’t really tested that one. I don’t think I’m even capable of carrying it though.”

“Huh. What else does the Lazarus stuff do?”

Jason nonchalantly took a bite of his meal again, “Dunno. Stuff. I’m strong, don’t really age much, can’t get sick, I heal fast. Angry.”

“Angry?” Steph asked. She thought that was just part of Jason’s natural charm.

Jason grabbed his knife and threw it so that it embedded itself right above Steph’s shoulder. “Angry.”

“Okay...” Dick broke it up, waving his fork around. “Any other topics?”

“Yeah,” Damian spoke up. “When is dessert?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter Three](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490672/chapters/59799157) of Rise of Cardinal? Yes.


	86. *smiles*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve decided to let Jaybird have a good day

Duke had his bag packed. Steph had her bag packed. Barbara had her bag packed. All of them were leaving, but only for a little while.

“You’ll be back soon right?” Dick asked, latching onto Babs.

She laughed, “I’m gonna come back in a week or two, but I have family other than you guys, remember?”

Dick whined more, “I know...”

Meanwhile, Tim was happily saying goodbye to Duke and Steph, then glaring at them to come back soon because he would miss them, and then he was gone.

Quick note from Duke Thomas: If you are in the Manor and do not see Cass or Tim for several days or even weeks at a time, it does not mean they aren’t there. They are. But you won’t see them or hear them. They will be out of sight for entirely different reasons. He still wasn’t sure what the reasons were, though.

Jason didn’t do the hug shit, but he did give Duke and Steph high fives and Babs a nod. Then he turned and left, just like Tim had.

Damian was standing behind Dick, but refused to even uncross his arms, but it wasn’t really expected of him to say goodbye.

“Watch the kitties for me, R.” Steph quickly said, and then ran up, gave him a hug, ran to Bruce and did the same, before hugging Alfred. “I’ll see you guys around.”

Duke didn’t try to hug Damian. Not that he didn't want to (he still didn’t though), but because Damian was looking like the human equivalent of an angry porcupine and Duke didn’t want to mess with that. He gave Bruce and Alfred a quick hug, feeling a bit awkward, but if Steph had managed to hug all three of them in a span of 15 seconds, then he could at least try to continue that enthusiasm.

Bruce awkwardly patted him on the back and muttered something along the lines of, “Come back soon, we’ll miss you.”

“Yeah yeah, old man. I’ll be back for good soon, just gotta grab the stuff I brought to the safe house so I can move back into my room here. Jeez, you’re acting like I’m leaving forever.”

If Bruce was capable of being flustered, then that’s what he was. Duke patted him on the shoulder, and turned to hug Dick, only to find that Dick was occupied in hugging Babs, Steph, and Damian at the same time. Poor Damian had obviously gotten dragged into this hug, and kept grumbling, “I’m not even going anywhere, Richard.”

Duke decided not to get into that mess and instead heading for the door, “Bye!” He called before half-sprinting to the waiting car.

“Noooooooo,” He clearly heard Dick whine in the background.

* * *

There is a piano in the second living room in the house. Yes, second. They have three living rooms actually because this is a Manor. They also have two dining rooms. It’s excessive.

The three living rooms go as follows: The Formal Living Room, the second living room, and the living room that was more like an over glorified home theater. That last one is where movie nights happen, such as last night when they watched Top Gun (Jason got to pick the movie) and Dick totally hadn’t been crying. The first one is where they bring reporters because it’s big and has velvet couches and a massive framed portrait of the family in it. Speaking of said portrait, it needed to be replaced now that Duke had been officially adopted. The second living room though has a piano and actually comfortable couches (the velvet ones were soft but felt like you’re sitting on a rock as far as cushy goes), and it was also the living room with the portrait of Bruce’s parents and several smaller portraits of each of the family members. But it was the piano that was important.

Why was the piano important? Because basically everyone in the family knew how to play it and this resulted in music almost constantly coming from it. Dick had taken lessons on how to play when he first arrived at the Manor (before he’d known about the Batman stuff) and had a tendency to play silly tunes on it whenever the bench was unoccupied. Jason had only recently learned, though he had tried back when he was Robin, only to think of it as a waste of his time. Now that he was older though, he’d occasionally play a song or two. He didn’t know many. Tim was raised from birth in a rich family and therefore had that stereotypical knowledge of how to play the piano. He refused to tell anyone, but in the many weeks he’d spent alone in the Drake Manor, he’d taught himself how to play just to pass the time. Damian knew the piano— and violin— as a part of his classical training. Cass didn’t know how to play, but she could watch someone play a simple tune and replicate it. Alfred never played. Babs never played. Duke had tried once and failed miserably. Steph could tap out Mary Had a Little Lamb. Bruce could play, he used to play all the time, but he didn’t anymore.

Who was playing the piano now? Who knows. All Jason knew was that the gentle music was flowing through the household and into the kitchen where he was currently making three grilled cheeses— two for him (one wasn’t enough for all **This** ) and one for Tim. Why was he making one for Tim? Because Tim had texted him asking for food.

Whoever was playing though was pretty good, so he figured either Damian or Dick. Tim wasn’t included in that assessment because Jason knew Tim hadn’t left his room since the movie last night (except for the two minutes in which he said bye a couple hours ago and the five minutes it took him to make coffee).

Jason smiled softly, enjoying the music drifting through the air and the smell of the grilled cheese that was cooking in front of him. Sometimes, even he can’t deny that life has it’s finer points. And this was one of them. 

If anyone asked, no he wasn’t swaying on his feet just slightly in time with the music. That would be ridiculous and totally out of character. Jason Todd definitely wasn’t having a good day. He didn’t have those. Nope.

He flipped the sandwich onto a plate, the last one, and turned off the stovetop. He quickly cleaned up his mess while simultaneously eating one of his cheeses, then he grabbed the other plate and strolled to go deliver the sandwich to Timmers.

On his way, he passed the second living room, and glanced inside to see who was playing.

Oh it’s Bruce.

Wait—

_Bruce?_

Jason backed up a few steps and stared at where Bruce was calmly playing, his large fingers gliding over the keys.

No one else was in the room— or anywhere nearby that Jason could tell— so he took a moment to listen and appreciate the fact that Bruce was playing.

When was the last time he’d heard Bruce play? Jason wanted to say never, but part of him remembered a night in which Robin!Jason had dragged Bruce to it and begged him to play because he wanted to hear someone who was good play the piano instead of Jason’s shitty playing skills (at the time, thank you very much).

That must’ve been the last time he’d heard Bruce play, though that was ages ago.

Jason shook himself out of it. Why did he care that Bruce was playing again? Right. He didn’t. Deliver the grilled cheese. Then he’d either go out on a ride through the city or he’d read a book. Maybe polish his guns? Or MAYBE he’d go fight Black Mask again for shits and giggles. Or maybe he’d bother Replacement for a while...

He walked further down the hallway, turned a corner, and ran straight into Alfred.

“Ah shit, sorry Alfie.” Jason said, adjusting his weight to keep the grilled cheese in his right hand from falling.

“It’s quite alright, Master Jason.” Alfred replied, a smile on his face. “I hope that sandwich is for Master Timothy? He always forgets to eat.”

“Yep, though he actually asked me to make it for him, so I guess that’s a step up.”

“Oh? And you didn’t ask him to pay you? Dare I say you’re growing soft, Master Jason.”

Jason scoffed, “Bold of you to assume that he didn’t threaten to replace all of my guns with hair scrunchies if I didn’t make him food.”

“Ah, I see. You’re right, that’s exactly the sort of thing Master Timothy would do.”

“Mhmm,” Jason replied. He could feel the smile on his face and he knew that Alfred was well aware of it, but for whatever reason, he couldn’t bring himself to try and hide it. “Hey Alf?”

“Yes?”

“When was the last time you heard Bruce play the piano?”

Alfred paused, listening, “Oh, is that him playing? I assumed it was Master Damian. Hmm... the last time I heard him play was the time you begged him to play for you. Yes... he always has avoided the piano since you died.”

Jason felt his heart clench. “Oh... he must be in a good mood then. Thanks, Alf. I better get this to Tim before it gets cold, otherwise he’ll probably replace my Red Hood helmet with a watermelon or something.”

“Of course, Master Jason. Have a good afternoon.”

“You too.”

* * *

Jason knocked on Tim’s door. He would’ve barged in but he’d learned not to after Tim had yelled at him for that. Though... he figured Tim had been having a rough day at the time and that was why he’d snapped at Jason, since Tim was _usually_ pretty slow to anger.

“Jay?”

“Yep. Food’s here.”

“Great, come in.”

Jason walked in and shut the door behind him. Tim was sitting at his desk, dressed in a black Panic! At the Disco hoodie and what looked like Dick’s old Superman PJ pants. Jason set the plate next to Tim before going to sit on the bed, grabbing a blanket off the chair in the corner of Tim’s room before he did. Tim’s room was a weird mix of freakishly cold and oddly comfortable that Jason didn’t like, so, blanket.

“Why are you still here? And don’t eat on my bed.”

Jason ignored the second part, taking a large bite of his grilled cheese. “Dunno. Figured I’d chill and make sure you don’t forget about the sandwich.”

Tim rolled his eyes and took a bite of the sandwich, purposefully ignoring the fact that it tasted delicious. “Happy now?”

“I’m never happy.”

“Right.” Tim replied, not bothering to point out that he’d seen Jason happy plenty of times. “I’ll let you know that I currently am executing my plan to not see anyone for the next week, so you’re kinda ruining it.”

“Mhmm, sure I am.”

Tim ripped off some of the crust of the sandwich and threw it at Jason, who wasn’t expecting to be attacked, and got hit in the eye.

“Hey!”

Tim kept typing on his computer. Jason threw the piece of crust back, happy when it hit Tim straight in the back of the neck. “Here you are, throwing food at me right after telling me not to eat on your bed.”

“Well, seeing as you’re doing it anyways I think that rule has gone out the window.”

Jason scoffed and took another bite of his sandwich. “What are you doing anyways?”

“I’m creating an app that Gothamites can use to report crimes and help us in our vigilanteing.”

Jason cocked his head to the side, “That sounds interesting.”

“It is, but I can’t really focus on it with you being annoying.”

Jason rolled his eyes, “Fine, fine, I get it, I’ll shut up. Have fun programming, R.” He set his finished plate to the side and laid back against the pillow. Part of him wanted to fight Tim about the subject, but the other part argued that he was having a nice day and that he should just enjoy the rays of sunshine coming through Tim’s window and the way the air in Tim’s room smelled like a nice mix of coffee and book smell. It was pleasant. Homey.

Jason spread the blanket he’d grabbed earlier over himself— it was one of those stupid throw blankets that Tim religiously collected (he said it was because he was always cold but everyone knows it’s just cause Tim likes how soft they are)— and closed his eyes.

Today— or at least the last hour— has been good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aweee that was sweet
> 
> Next up: the chapter I’ve been waiting to post for ages (hint: it may or may not be on of those ‘the Batfam as Shit I’ve Heard People Say’ things) (wait wait hold up, was that,,, my apostrophe key working for a second?? ‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’ HAHAHA) (watch it’s gonna stop working soon) (but I can be happy for now) (‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’) (Why does that make a sound in my head it’s just a bunch of apostrophes)
> 
> Also, warning: Enjoy the happiness while you can because I’ve got quite the rollercoaster of angsty feels coming for you after that


	87. The Batfam as Shit People Have Said in My Presence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Roughly 20 of these quotes are things I have said. I’m not telling you which ones. You will never know which quotes belong to me.

Damian: “If this is a hamburger, I’m going to kill myself”

Dick, probably to Jason: “I snapped a cucumber in half with my _a s s_ ”

Steph: “If Nathaniel goes out today, I call dibs on his lunch box”

Steph: “I’m going to add up the prices of these bell peppers to tell you that I like you.”

Tim, while sleep deprived: “BaBiEs DoN’t hAvE kNeEcApS”

Steph: “Vsco girl diabetes! Sksksksksk!”

Jason: “Crack? I _LOVE_ CRACK!”

Cass: “He speaks only in lies”

Bruce: “Give me your yams, son”

Tim, trying to prove a point: “And therefore AND! I! *slams water bottle on table* _**OOP!**_ ”

Jason, with no emotion in his voice: “There was no affection, only mutual slaughter”

Alfred: “Wait a minute, are you dehydrated? *gasp* You are!”

Babs: “Why are we friends with this one?”

Jason: “—flesh eating dogs”

Tim, downing his seventh cup of coffee: “Master Chef”

Duke: “The way this is worded makes it seem like bananas are a disease”

Tim, pointing at himself: “Look, the depressed tomato”

Bruce: “I don’t own Hawaiian because only beer dads own Hawaiian and I am _NOT_ A BEER DAD” 

Duke, staring into the camera like he’s on the Office: “He just smashed potato on his pants”

Tim, pointing at a bulletin board covered in tacks and string: “I’M TELLING YOU GINGERS EVAPORATE”

Jason: “I could snort this roll” *shrieks*

Steph: “I don’t suck! And I don’t suck up!”

Tim, once again sleep deprived: “How does he walk with one leg?”

*long pause* *Jason and Dick are staring at him in intense judgmental silence* 

Dick: “he has a prosthetic”

Dick, probably drunk: *eating fries in depression* “these taste like pieces of starch with vague potato flavoring”

Cass, learning English: “I need 66 eyeballs”

Duke: “It’s called a thumb not a thumb finger”

Tim, singing off key: “The hills are alive with the sounds of _algebra_ ”

Jason: “Command Z my life”

Dick: “—and held fingers”

Tim: “No problema macarena”

Damian: “well YOU look like a demon carrot!”

Tim (or Bruce?): “I don’t sleep at night so I have to sleep during the day”

Steph: “I left my very capable brain at home”

Damian, in high school: “The freshmen are fetuses”

Dick: “Don’t I look sexy in women’s glasses?”

Tim: “I am a _SLUT_ for toaster strudels”

Dick: “Does anyone have scissors I can cut these jeans off with?”

Jason: “i kinda do”

Dick: “If my bones weren’t so long I could fit in that backpack”

Tim, dissing Jason: “Next up, he’s 18 with no license—“

Someone: “Send nudes”

Tim: “my mom (read: Alfred) said no” 

Dick: “The childish part in me is like *jumping like a small child* I wanna see the fire trucks!”

Jason, staring at Damian’s corpse: “Should we laugh or is he dead?”

Jason, putting a bandaid on: “Don’t worry guys, this isn’t a nicotine patch”

Damian, to Tim, while staring ahead: “I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to this luxurious mountain”

Damian, staring at Dick: “Can I trust you? With my crayons??”

Tim: “I want to be tan but I only have two settings: porcelain or raw ham”

Dick, in the line at Baskin Robins: “You WISH you could tickle my peach”

Duke: “Hobgoblin is like Green Goblin but offbrand”

Steph, staring at Tim in disappointment: “There’s no room for you to be critical of anyone after pouring Hawaiian Punch all over yourself”

Cass: “Throw your omens at her”

Tim, quietly to Jason after a mission gone wrong: “what if we smell like hot sauce?”

Cass: “Don’t worry, you have a few minutes to roast me back, take your time”

Tim: “The three primary colors: red, white, and yeet”

Jason, coming home after Dick took Damian to the zoo: “Why the fuck is there a giraffe on a leash?”

Tim, absolutely vibing: “Humans have tentacles, they’re called tongues”

Dick: “IS MY EAR NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU”

Steph: “I don’t MEAN to act stupid!”

Tim, staring up into the darkness: “Should we castrate Trump?”

Dick, in a Mickey Mouse voice: “Oh no my one weakness. Science!”

Jason and Tim, in matching sunglasses and shirts: “We’re homiesexual”

Damian, mocking Jason: “LOUD PROFANE WORD”

Dick: “A wolf ate my llama... _NOOOO_ THOMAS”

Jason: “Gun or pee pee?”  


Steph: “shut up Sourya (read: Tim) I’m looking at my puppets”

Jason, debating who is the sexiest man alive with the family: “#1 RYAN RENOYALDS #2 CHRIS HEMSWORTH #3 _ME_!”

Tim: “he wasn’t gay or bisexual. He was a mathematician”

Tim, as CEO of WE: “I am hiring you for the spaghetti”

Damian, after attacking Tim for the 17th time that week: “The ghost of Hitler just possessed me”

Tim, wide eyed: “Vending machines with arms”

Cass: “She can’t hear you with all that makeup in her ears”

Dick: “Are you good at acting sad?”

Tim, after a long pause: “The happiness is a facade”

Jason: “Life’s a lie, we’re all dying anyways”

Tim, in the background: “ayyyyy”

Dick: “Fuck she has my parkour! AHHHH”

Duke: “Broken tables are my aesthetic”

Tim, working on a case and drinking something that is probably poison: “Tomorrow is irrelevant but now is forever”

Steph, who’s voice isn’t working: “lOoK I kNoW i sOuNd liKE a BoY tHat’S gOiNg tHroUgH pUbeRtY bUt iTs nOt mY FaUlt”

Alfred, done with everyone’s shit: “Leave me alone there’s a tater tot on the stairs”

Dick, clutching a bag, glaring at everyone around him: “You WISH you had the Princess Gummies!”

Tim: “I’ll be back, I need to go charge my pencil”

Jason, pointing to the bullet holes in the ceiling: “They’re ceiling decorations”

Dick: “Guys this isn’t funny. You don’t videotape people’s butts”

Tim, crying on the floor of the pantry at 2 AM: “I don’t want to wear macaroni and cheese!”

Jason, looking at Tim/Damian: “—yeah well that’s because you’re the size of a peanut”

Bruce, an intellectual: “Christmas is the month of weight watchers”

Jason, staring at Damian in an attempt to make him angry: “Yes. These cows here are locally grown. Just harvested them myself yesterday”

Dick: “come bounce on my knee”

Duke, staring at a case Tim has been working on: “yeast tribute?”

Jason and Tim arresting a criminal: “Your vibe is currently under mandatory check.”

Damian: “Brrqrqrqrq, I am one with the geese.”

Dick, stressed about trying to get Damian a birthday present: “Should I ask if they have live cats?” 

Tim, who already decided he isn’t getting Damian one: “NO, you don’t have to clarify whether or not the cats are alive!”

Tim, at 4 AM in the dark solitude of his room: “I’m a banana, ba-na-na-nAh”

Dick: “What does your poop say about you?” 

Jason, without looking up from his book: “I don’t know, we don’t talk much”

Damian, making fun of Death Eaters in Harry Potter: “Why would you eat Death, that just sounds unappetizing.”

Tim: “I’ve definitely never described a dab to you” 

Cass: “how would you describe it” 

Tim: “pure victory with testosterone”

Bruce, to Tim, about Damian: “He’s blocking you out with classical music”

Alfred: “This might be a surprise, but children become adults.”

Jason, texting Tim out of nowhere: “Imagine being on a farm, vibing to the max, and suddenly, you Die.”

Dick, trying to be funny: “What if our hands met... in the couch?” 

Duke, tired of this family’s shit: “That was my foot”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next: fluff with a cliffhanger


	88. Soap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy what fluff and fun you can get in this chapter because after this it gets Angsty

“You know, usually quiet nights mean something big is going down and that we should be worried—“ the camera focused in on Nightwing, who was crouching on a gargoyle overlooking the city. “—but now I’ve just gotten so used to quiet nights that busy nights are what worry me.”

In the distance, a siren went off.

Nightwing looked over, “Guess it’s go time.”

The camera cut to Nightwing and Robin arresting one, two, three criminals. On the third criminal, Nightwing started reading out the man’s Miranda Rights in Squidward’s voice, “—You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in court of law—“

The criminal looked at Robin, confused, but Robin was too busy petting the rat that had just crawled up onto his shoulder. He looked incredibly happy despite the fact that there was a rat inches away from his face.

Nightwing glanced over, saw the scene, and went back to putting the man in handcuffs and calling the police to come pick him up.

* * *

  
Comments:

“*screeches* WTF WHY IS THERE A RAT ON HIS SHOULDER AHAKKKSGSJANNA”

“I never thought I’d see Nightwing using Squidward’s voice but here we are”

“Does robin just adopt all the animals he sees?”

“Obviously. He’s trying to be like Batman”

“Oh my god Nightwing may have to be uncancelled because of that voice”

“No. Tearing down the fort was the worst offense. There is no saving him”

“TECHNICALLY it was Spoiler who tore down the fort”

“They worked together”

“Anyone else wanting to draw fan art of Nightwing on that gargoyle or is that just me”

“Look bih, I don’t just want fan art, I want a full blown mural painted onto the side of Blüdhaven PD”

“Nightwing should do more impressions. Just, a full Tik Tok of him impersonating various cartoon characters.”

* * *

“Hey!” Robin yelled at the robbers, sprinting after them. He brandished an explosive birdarang and threw it at their feet.

Down goes the robbers. He quickly tied them up and notified the police of their location.

“Nightwing?” He calles over the comms

“Yeah lil D?”

“I’ve apprehended the robbers. What is your status?”

“Oh I’m good, just talked to a really nice lady that I saved from a mugging. She offered to buy me dinner once quarantine is over.”

Damian rolled his eyes, “She is not worthy of your time.”

“That’s ridiculous, Robin! Everyone is worthy of my time.” He could tell Richard was smiling.

“Tt, whatever. I’m going to patrol the West End.”

“Okie dokie artichokie, call me if you need anything.”

“I will. You do the same.” Damian replied, ending the call.

* * *

Robin was crouched on a fire escape, listening in to police scanners, checking to see what was going down nearby. He’d just helped a cat get out a tree, so that was fun. But now, things were going silent again.

That was worrying. Tonight had been too busy for it to suddenly go silent.

Above him, a tapping noise. He turned.

There, in the window two floors up, was a teenage girl. Long brown hair, green eyes, wearing a Spider-Man t-shirt. He cocked his head to the side and she opened the window.

“Robin?” She called down.

“Yes, that is me. Are you in trouble?”

“No, no, I just wanted to say hi.”

Damian furrowed his eyebrows, this is a waste of his time—

“Actually, I wanted to ask if you’d like to see my pet fish.”

Well. That changes things.

“I’d love to.” Damian replied, immediately climbing the fire escape towards her open window. Part of him told him that this could be a trap or a hoax or something, the other part wanted to see the fishy.

...the other part clearly won.

She moved out of the way as he approached the window. In the corner of her room, he could see a fish tank. He withheld a smile and climbed inside.

She followed him awkwardly to the fish tank, and Damian knew that he should ask for her name or something, be nice like Richard would want, but he didn’t care.

“You have quite the beautiful fish,” he told her, crouching down in front of the tank to look closer. “What’s its name?” Yep, he was asking for the fish’s name instead of hers.

“Oh, it’s um... Soap.”

“Soap?” Damian turned to look at the girl.

“Yeah... it’s stupid I know—“

“Soap is a lovely name.” Damian decided, turning back to the fish, which was a soft pink color. “Female or male?”

“Oh, male... I think.” The girl replied. She stepped closer and Damian immediately went on high alert, shoulders tensing. But she merely reached to the shelf above the tank and grabbed fish food. “Here, you can feed him if you want.”

Damian eyed the food before grabbing a small handful from the bag she was holding out. She opened the tank and Damian dropped the food in. The fish immediately began eating. Damian felt the corners of his lips curl up.

“You seem to be taking very good care of Soap.”

“Oh, yeah, I try my best. He’s a good fish.”

Shit, now Damian really was smiling.

“Do you have any other pets?”

The girl frowned, “No. I wanted a chinchilla but Mom said we can’t afford one.”

“What’s your name?” Damian asked.

“Oh, it’s Jules. Well, technically it’s Juliette but I just go by Jules.”

“Wonderful, and your address?” Damian said.

She looked at him weird.

“Never mind, I’ll search it up later.”

“Uhhh...”

Damian was about to speak again when his comms turned on, filling his ears with scratchy static sound. He stiffened. Jules seemed to notice that something was up and fell quiet as well. “R—“

Damian held his hand up to his comm, trying to calibrate it to correct the static.

“Ro— Robin” the voice came over the comms, broken and cracking, but it was unmistakably Nightwing’s. “Robin are you— Robin I—“

“Nightwing?” Damian demanded, worried. “Nightwing are you still there?”

“Robin— backup—“ Nightwing’s voice was going in and out, but Damian could hear the panic in his tone. Richard was afraid. Something in his gut churned.

“Send me your location, I’ll be right there.”

“No— Robin— it’s—“ the feed broke up, static filling his ears.

“What? Nightwing?”

“—Scarecrow—“

Then the comms cut off entirely, static going to silence.


	89. Nightwing are you there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *laughs evilly* if you thought yesterday’s chapter was mean, just wait until you finish this one

“Nightwing? Nightwing are you there? Nightwing report.” He demanded into the comms. Next to him, Jules looked worried.

...not that Damian looked any better.

There was no further response from Nightwing. Damian tried to calibrate the comms further, but nothing worked. “Shit.” He cursed, hoping that no one heard that. Well, other than Jules who was standing with him.

“Is... is Nightwing okay?”

“I... I do not know. I have to go. He could be in trouble.”

“Ok,” She replied. “Be careful. And bring Nightwing back safe. He’s my favorite Bird.”

Damian nodded, moving back to the window and jumping out onto the fire escape while simultaneously using his wrist computer to bring up Nightwing’s location. He was about three miles away. Not good.

The panic in Richard’s voice still rung in his ears.

* * *

There was a motorcycle in the parking lot. Damian weighed his options. Take the vehicle and get to Nightwing faster but undoubtedly have Pennyworth be angry with him for stealing and then driving someone else’s vehicle. Or, try and cross three miles of the city by foot and get to Richard in time.

Part of Damian’s conscious said that it might already be too late.

He pulled a small toolkit from his belt and started hotwiring the car. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the best with hotwiring things. Sure, he was better than 97% of the world’s population, but in comparison to Drake, Todd, and Father, he was slow.  
Less than two minutes later and he was done, hands shaking with the fear that he’d be too late to save Richard.

He climbed onto the seats, well aware that he was way too small to be driving this thing, and took off, gunning the engine to bring him to speeds much faster than legally allowed.

* * *

Dick had thought he was immune to the fear toxin Scarecrow used. He was supposed to be immune—

“You see, Nightwing, this quarantine has given me the opportunity to perfect my toxin, plenty of free time on my hands— not to mention that everyone is afraid. They hide in their pretty little houses with their hand sanitizers and face masks. Even the police are too scared to go out much. They’d much rather yell at a civilian walking down the street than search for me—“

The room was distorting. Nightwing had been hit with fear toxin before, but never this bad. This was something else.

“—and I’m glad. Now, I’ve replicated pure fear itself. All of your deepest, darkest fears. Every insecurity. Not even the Bat would stand a chance.”

Robin. He’d needed to call Robin. He needed Robin to call for backup—

His hands were shaking, the toxin was setting in. He gulped, trying to take a deep breath.

_You’re okay,_ he told himself. _It’s just Scarecrow’s toxin. You will be okay. There is nothing to freak out about. Whatever you see isn’t real._

He raised a hand to his comm, “Robin?”

No answer. In front of him, Scarecrow was laughing. “You really want to call the birdie? Well, go ahead. I’d love more test subjects. Not to mention that my men would love a chance to have a bite at him.”

No... no.. “Robin are you there? Robin?”

There was a pool of blood on the ground. He shut his eyes, blocking it out. “Robin, I’ve been hit with fear toxin— I— I need help. Robin—“

He could hear the sounds of the circus. Upbeat music playing, elephants trumpeting, an announcer’s voice crying out, “THE FLYING GRAYSONS!”

No. No. He knew what this was. No. He squeezed his eyes shut further, but it didn’t help.

Snap.

The sound of the trapeze breaking.

Thud.

The dirty floor of the warehouse was beneath his knees and hands now. He could feel himself shaking from head to toe but there was nothing he could do to stop it. Breathe— breathe— failure— you’re a failure—

“Nightwing?” Robin’s voice sounded loud and clear over the comms, momentarily snapping Dick out of it. “Nightwing are you still there?”

Robin. Damian. His brother. Safe. Good.

He took a breath of air, fresh, clean. Focus. “Robin, I need backup immediately. Call Oracle and notify them of my location. I’ve been hit with fear toxin. I need backup immediately.”

“Send me your location, I’ll be right there.”

“No, no—“ Panic. The music was back. “Robin don’t come here. It’s too dangerous. Need backup. Scarecrow is here. I— I... don’t. You’ll get hurt—“

“What? Nightwing?”

Oh god. Robin couldn’t hear him. Something must be wrong with his comm— “Scarecrow.” He managed out, hoping Robin had heard enough of the message to know what to do.

The music got louder. He opened his eyes, too terrified to keep himself in the darkness. Darkness was bad—

Blood. A body. No, two bodies. Three— four— no, no, no—

He tried to shut his eyes again but he couldn’t. All he could do was stare. It was Bruce— Babs— Jason— Tim—

No. Breathe. This isn’t real. You’re okay. You need to fight Scarecrow. You need to—

“You failed. You failed me. You failed Barbara. You failed Gotham.” It was Bruce’s voice. But there was something wrong. It was darker, angry. No, no that wasn’t his Bruce surely, Bruce loved him, Bruce was his dad, Bruce—

“You’re a failure, Dick.”

He clutched his hair, digging his nails into his scalp. This can’t be happening— no, this isn’t real, Bruce has never said that—

“You don’t deserve to be Robin. Get out.”

Dick screamed.

Scarecrow’s laugh of pleasure was distant to him as he watched a pair of black loafers and purple pants cross his vision, walking slowly but with a bounce to their gait. Scarecrow’s voice morphed into the hideous ringing laughter of the Joker.

“Tell me pretty bird,” Joker laughed in his ear. “Would you like to see how I killed your brother? How you failed him? Hahahahaha, ohhh it was so easy you see: forehand or backhand?”

“No, no, no—“ He pleaded. “Stop, stop, stop—“

The doors to the warehouse opened and a motorcycle sped through.

Robin.

No, no— Robin— shouldn’t— go away— danger.

The world distorted more, and then Robin was getting beat up by Joker, his crowbar striking Robin’s temple.

Ra’s al Ghul, knocking Robin off his feet.

Nightwing, punching him in the gut. Electrocuting him.

Dick couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. He could only watch in panic as his brother—

“NO!” He screamed, voice piercing the air. Dead. Dead. Dead. He curled himself into a ball, tightly, covering his ears and shutting his eyes. Not real, not real, illusion, fear toxin— dead, hurt, failure—

Then everything stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can take that ending how you want but um... the angst isn’t over guys, NW isn’t doing too good


	90. Robin? Nightwing? Backup is Coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it’s taken me 90 chapters, but I finally figured out what suits each of the fam is wearing:
> 
> Batman: Normal suit.  
> Nightwing: Normal, black and blue  
> Red Hood: Normal, leather and red helmet  
> Oracle: No suit, she’s in a wheelchair (Because wheelchair Babs is better in my opinion, I like that she still fights even though she can’t use her legs)  
> Red Robin: [This suit](https://absolute-0zero.tumblr.com/post/186348539280/jasons-still-weirdly-colorful-tims-still-short) (Because all the canon ones suck so I said, let’s find a fan made redesign) (and I really like this one) (credit goes to [Absolute 0zero](https://absolute-0zero.tumblr.com/) on tumblr)  
> Spoiler: Her [Batgirl suit](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Fpin%2F427138345892909126%2F&psig=AOvVaw1LepEYeg0Ybe7cgoJsJ1Ek&ust=1592756479268000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCNiSqbrmkOoCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD) (I just call her Spoiler because I think that’s 100000% more badass than Batgirl) (she chose the name herself too so like Respect)  
> Black Bat: Once again, technically she’s wearing her [Batgirl suit](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Fpin%2F362399101234847303%2F&psig=AOvVaw22HSb66orTSBjpdehQqEgH&ust=1592755933406000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCJjgzrLkkOoCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD) but I like the cowl and I prefer the name Black Bat  
> Signal: Normal Signal suit :)  
> Robin: Normal Robin suit (for him at least) (I think Damian would die before he went no pants)

Damian was hoping that he’d only have to fight Scarecrow. But it seems he’s just as unlucky as Drake today.

Scarecrow himself stood near the center of the room, but the perimeter was guarded by Scarecrow’s henchmen. Twenty five of them total, all dressed in heavyweight gear and gas masks.

Fear toxin clouded the air, this one a sickly shade of orange. Chances were it was much more potent than previous ones, especially since it had taken down Nightwing, who was vaccinated against it.

...Nightwing, who was collapsed on the ground, shaking violently, sobbing, screaming—

He pulled his rebreather out from his belt, placing it in his mouth to filter out the toxin in the air.

Only problem is now he couldn’t yell angrily at Scarecrow for hurting Richard.

He gritted his teeth around the mouthpiece and drew his katana. Part of him knew that he stood no chance against twenty five of Scarecrow’s henchmen in normal circumstances. But this wasn’t normal. He needed to take care of Nightwing too. The longer the toxin was in his system, the more dangerous it would be.

He’d have to finish this fast.

Robin charged the closest henchman, determination in his gaze. Each of them had guns and batons— which was bad. Very bad.

Robin flipped and ducked, hearing gunshots go off left and right, blocking bullets with his sword and dodging batons as quickly as he could. Slicing his katana through the air, his blade met skin. One of the henchmen cried out in pain. Damian whirled, striking another with the butt of his sword. Two down, twenty three to go.

Scarecrow hadn’t moved this entire time. He was studying Nightwing carefully, even walking up to poke at him a few times with a discarded baton.

Damian growled around his rebreather.

“Robin—“ Nightwing whimpered.

In his moment of distraction, one of the henchmen hit him hard on the collar bone. He cried out in pain, ignoring the crack he heard upon contact, and instead whipping around, striking one, two, three. He knew that he was fighting harder than he should be— Father would be disappointed— but Richard was in danger. Richard was crying, screaming—

One of the henchmen hit his leg with a baton, another punched him in the jaw, sending his rebreather flying.

No—

There were too many of them. He’d barely taken down seven— 18 left. He could lash out all he wanted, but with the toxin in the air starting to distort his vision—

He reached for his belt, pressing the Emergency button, and then struggled back to his feet, jaw throbbing, vision dancing with dark spots, his lungs burning.

He glanced to Richard, seeing his brother curl his body up into the fetal position, screaming, grabbing at his hair, and then—

Silence.

“No,” he whispered.

He needed backup now. Richard was— Richard wasn’t okay.

He saw a blue colored rebreather on the ground nearby. Nightwing’s. He’d obviously tried to use it too.

Robin slashed his sword in a wide arc, screaming at the henchman to get back.

He needed that rebreather. He needed back up. He needed to save Richard. He needed way too many things, all of which were out of reach.

* * *

The second he got the emergency alert on his phone, Tim was rushing to the Batcave, clad only in boxers (he’d just gotten out of the shower and had been in the middle of changing, okay? His hair wasn’t even dry yet).

The rest of the family seemed to have the same idea— Jason, Bruce, Cass, and Alfred all joining him in a matter of seconds.

Tim reached the Batcomputer before Bruce did, and he could hear Batman’s grunt of ‘I want to be in control here.’ That didn’t stop Tim from automatically pulling up the cameras he’d installed in the suits— Nightwing’s mask camera on the left and Robin’s mask camera on the right side of the screen.

Robin’s camera was wild, shaking erratically. It was obvious he was fighting. Viciously too, if the blood on his blade was anything to go by.

Nightwing’s camera, on the other hand, was still. Completely still. Tim typed quickly, bringing up another screen.

Nightwing’s vitals were all over the place. Pulse much higher than it should be but brain activity low.

Robin’s screen stilled for a moment, showing Nightwing curled up in the floor in the fetal poison, unmoving. Scarecrow’s distinct form hovered over him.

And then the camera jerked and when it stilled again, it was obvious Robin had been hit hard enough to take him down. The dusty floor of the warehouse was clear. What was even clearer was that Robin was looking directly at Nightwing.

Tim pulled up the audio.

“I will— not— lose—“ Robin grunted, coughing. Blood hit the ground in front of the camera. He started pulling himself to his feet again.

Behind him, Batman was moving. Tim stood up, grabbing his arm firmly. “No.”

Batman growled at him, low and menacing. He wasn’t speaking, but Tim also knew he wasn’t thinking.

“Red Hood and Black Bat will go.” Tim decided, eyes locked on Bruce’s. He prided himself in many things, and having a equally (or maybe more) intimating stare as Batman was very close to the top of his list (along with being the best bō user in the world). “They have suits with full face cowls and filters. Those will withstand against Scarecrow’s toxin.”

Behind him, Cass and Jason were already moving to get dressed, not questioning Tim’s judgement. But Bruce was still glaring down at him, six feet and two inches of muscle giving off a very intimidatingaura.

Tim didn’t back down.

“They’re my sons,” Batman growled.

“And they’re our brothers. Red Hood and Black Bat will save them.”

Batman didn’t look convinced. “I have a full face mask too.”

“No, you don’t.” Tim replied. “That one got banged up in an Ivy attack, remember? You haven’t fixed it since.”

Batman hesitated. To anyone else, it wouldn’t have looked like his demeanor had changed at all, but Tim knew otherwise. He was winning.

“Red Hood and Black Bat will take care of them, B.” He assured, tone confident yet calm.

Batman grunted softly, and Tim knew that as his version of giving in. He turned back to the computer, typing hurriedly.

“Red Hood, Black Bat, I’m sending their location to you now. Make sure your air filters are working and that your comms are on. Don’t do anything stupid.” The two were already mounting Jason’s motorcycle and speeding out of the cave.

“We won’t.” Cass replied.

On the comms, Tim could hear Jason’s scoff. “Stupid? Me? _No_.”

“ _We won’t_.” Cass repeated, her voice inflecting that she wouldn’t let Jason do anything stupid.

“They’re about seven miles out, you guys will need to hurry.”

“Got it, so drive as fast as possible without throwing Black Bat off, my specialty.”

Behind him, he could hear Batman’s grunt of, “What? No!” But Tim ignored it, “Yeah basically. I’ll be filling you in on the details I can gather as we go.”

“Great, Cass you’re on the paying attention part, I’m driving.” Jason decided. Tim rolled his eyes, knowing full well that both of them would be paying full attention to what he had to say.

Batman was still hovering over Tim’s shoulder, obviously anxious to get out there and help, but Batman would only be another possible casualty out there, especially if Scarecrow has a more intense toxin than last time.

* * *

Damian blocked a baton with his gauntlet, hearing the armor crack upon impact and immediately thinking, ‘Well, good thing it wasn’t my arm.’

...maybe he’s been around Drake and Todd too much.

Technically, he’d taken down all of the henchman. Only problem was that every time he took one down, another would get up from where Damian had just put him on the ground. It was getting very annoying.

Not to mention that he was getting tired. Actually, that was false. He’d reached tired the second time he’d been hit with a baton. Now that he was on... oh, maybe the twelfth time he’d been hit, it was safe to say that he was beyond tired.

Luckily, he’d dodged all the bullets and now the henchman were stuck with only their batons since they’d emptied their guns. Unluckily, the batons hurt. A lot.

A baton flew at his face, another at his right hand. Targeting his rebreather that he’d retrieved from the ground and the katana in his grip.

Under full energy and while not injured, he would’ve been able to deal with both problems at once seamlessly. Unfortunately, he was neither of those things currently.

He had milliseconds to pick which one to sacrifice. Katana or rebreather.

On one hand, the katana was helping him stay standing, stay fighting. Also, the henchmen stayed down longer if he cut them with a sword. Not to mention the discarded hand a few feet away that was totally not his fault, if Father asked. On the other hand, he needed the rebreather to breathe. Especially since Scarecrow had added more toxin to the air two minutes ago to ‘see what it would do to Nightwing.’ The bitch.

(If Richard asked, he was not using such foul language at all, nope, no idea what you’re talking about)

He dodged the baton flying towards his face, simultaneously feeling the strike of the other one on his nerve, causing his hand to spasm and drop the katana.

He roundhouse kicked a henchman in the face, felt a baton hit his back, hissed in pain as he threw a backfist at another henchman, threw a birdarang at a henchman trying to get up, remembered that trying to take on twenty five people at once is a bad idea, used his foot to kick his fallen katana across the floor and into the foot of another henchman, and—

“Robin?”

The voice was loud and clear in his ears. He immediately glanced to Nightwing, only to see that he was still collapsed on the floor.

“Robin can you hear me? This is Red Robin.”

Damian grunted, ducked under a fist, spun and kicked someone in the stomach, dropped and swept the legs of another, threw three more birdarangs— he was out now, would have to start recycling— and darted backwards as fast as he could, trying to get some distance and breathing room.

“I hear you.”

“Good. Red Hood and Black Bat are en route now and I’ve fixed the comms. You’re doing good, Robin. Duck—“

Robin ducked, a baton whistling over his head. He kicked his attacker as hard as he physically could, his boot connecting with their stomach and making them double over.

Richard would want him to say thanks for the warning— that hit would’ve been bad— but he wasn’t Richard. Damian had other problems to deal with, such as the henchman rushing him and the fact that Scarecrow was laughing again.

Not good.

“Robin, Scarecrow just added more toxin to the air, purple this time. Do not lose your rebreather.”

“Shut up, Drake.” He grunted around the mouthpiece. Don’t lose your rebreather, Robin. Easier said than done. He doesn’t see Drake trying to do this.

(That’s because Drake wouldn’t get himself into this situation in the first place)

“Sorry for trying to keep you and Nightwing alive, give me one second, I’ll the others that you’re fine and I’ll send them to go get me some Panda Express—”

Damian rolled his eyes, vaulted off the back of one henchman, punched a guy in the nose— breaking it— landed and then back kicked the guy behind him. “Red Robin...” He growled out.

“It’s not that hard to say thanks, gremlin.”

“I’m trying to focus on not dying here.”

“Clearly, to your left.”

Damian dodged the hit coming from his left just in time. “Thanks,” he managed out. It was difficult to say, not just because thanking Drake hurts his soul physically, but also because between the constant fighting for the last 10-ish minutes and the actual talking, he was having trouble getting enough air into his lungs.

“There we go. 2 and 6.”

2 o’clock – the guy with the bloody nose and broken arm who didn’t seem to care about either.

6 o’clock – the guy— wait no, girl— with the gun in her hand. Empty, he figured, since she was holding it like she was going to use it as a baton.

He quickly took each of them down, breaking the first guy’s leg in half so he wouldn’t have to deal with him again. This was much easier with Drake on the line.

“By the way, Batman is watching. Not that I disagree with how rough you’re being— duck.”

Damian dropped down the floor and spun, kicking the legs out from his would be attacker while the one he had been about to block a punch from, punched their friend in the face instead. Heh.

“Right,” Drake said quickly, but Damian was too slow. The blow connected hard with his shoulder, the force sending him down. Gah, that was his injured shoulder too— the one that had been dislocated during the floor is lava week. His ribs weren’t much better off. He wasn’t doing to good in general, actually.

“Shit, Robin, are you okay?” Red Robin asked.

Damian groaned, and then yelped in pain when one of the henchman kicked him in the ribs. He tried to pull himself up again only for a baton to slam into his back, right between the shoulder blades.

He coughed around the rebreather, his ribs jolting with each movement. “Backup,” he managed out, before getting struck again.

At that exact moment, a motorcycle sped in and helpfully plowed into a large portion of the henchman. Could that have killed them? Yeah, probably. Did Damian care at this point? Ha, _no_.

“Backup’s here!” Red Hood yelled as he passed, and at the same moment Black Bat stood up on the motorcycle and back flipped off the vehicle, landing in the middle of the henchman, automatically beginning to dispatch villain after villain.

Damian sighed in relief, slumping on the ground when Black Bat used a grappling hook on the henchman that had been kicking him, throwing the man across the room into Red Hood’s waiting arms.

Waiting arms being guns.

Damian grinned, watching his siblings jump into action, throwing kicks and punches faster than the eyes could see. Not to mention the multiple gunshots coming from Red Hood.

As bad as it was, part of Damian wanted those bullets to be real and not rubber.

He grunted, pulling himself to his feet again. He could feel the bruises forming on his skin, the cracks in his ribs, the blood on his skin, but he didn’t stop.

Stumbling over, he grabbed his discarded rebreather from the beginning of the fight and cleaned it off, before moving over to where Scarecrow was experimenting more with his toxins.

“Black Bat,” he said, not bothering to raise his voice because he knew that Cain would hear him. If she didn’t, then Drake did and he still wouldn’t have to worry about it.

Black Bat momentarily paused in her crusade against the henchman, and wow, most of them were down already, and looked to Damian. He nodded to Scarecrow and she automatically understood, using her grappling hook from earlier to drag Scarecrow away.

Damian might’ve laughed at the man’s horrified scream if it weren’t for his ribs and the fact that Richard wasn’t looking good.

He looked horrible, actually.

Pale skin, sweat rolling down his face, eyes squeezed shut, body trembling, rapid breaths.

“Jesus...” Red Robin whispered over the comms.

Damian had to agree. He kneeled next to Richard and placed the rebreather in his brother’s mouth, “Nightwing?”

“The new toxins have entered his system. I’m not sure what they did, but it’s bad.” Red Robin spoke over the comms, voice quiet. “His brain activity was almost zero before the introduction of that purple toxin, but now it’s just as high as his pulse. Best I can guess is that he’s having the worst nightmare of his life and he can’t wake up.”

Damian frowned, stroking Richard’s hair, trying to be comforting but unable to help further. He glanced back at where Red Hood and Black Bat were.

All of the henchman were down, most of them even tied up. Damian saw several bullet wounds and even more broken jaws, but what caught his attention was what his siblings were doing now, which was standing on either side of Scarecrow, postures relaxed, waiting.

The eye slits in Red Hood’s helmet had a feature that made them glow— Todd has stated multiple times that the glow is for a purpose, but he will never say what it is, but now Damian fully understood that purpose. Intimidation. Standing there, hip cocked to one side, hand resting on the gun in its holster, intense gaze locked on Scarecrow; it was obvious that Red Hood was angry. Not his normal angry either, that was always hot and fierce— like a wildfire— this was cold, controlled anger.

Black Bat stood on the other side of Scarecrow, her stance eerily similar to Red Hood’s, but she stood less like an imposing threat and more like a waiting shadow. While Red Hood’s eyes glowed, she maintained an equal terrifying aura. Maybe it had something to do with the stitching on the mouth of her cowl, or maybe it was becuase she was radiating the same cold fury that Red Hood was carrying.

Scarecrow didn’t stand a chance.

The second Scarecrow realized the situation he was in is when they both sprung into action. Both of them rushed forward, in unison, and punched Crane on either side of the jaw.

Damian heard the crack of bone from across the room.

Scarecrow crumpled to the floor like a sack of potatoes, and Damian didn’t bother hiding his satisfaction. “We may have to make that a Tik Tok,” he said into the comms.

Over the line, he heard Drake laugh, “Agreed. That was badass.”

Cain approached them, kneeling next to Nightwing, looking him over. “He is not well. Needs medical help now.”

“I got it.” Todd said. “I’ll bring them back, you take Scarecrow to Arkham.”

Black Bat nodded.

“Can you walk?” Hood asked him.

Damian grunted, pulling himself to his feet. Everything hurt, every inch of his body was screaming at him, but he needed Todd to worry about Richard, not him.

Todd seemed to take that as a yes, moving forward and picking Nightwing up bridal style.

_Richard would be okay_ , Damian told himself. _He would be okay_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You would think that the angst is almost over, but that’s not exactly true (tho we are leading towards more fluff)


	91. Aftermath

Most of the public didn’t get to see the main fight, the injured heroes, but what they did get to see was pretty amazing in of itself.

A slow motion montage of Black Bat backflipping off a moving motorcycle, Red Hood viciously slamming a guy’s face into a wall, Black Bat grabbing Robin’s katana off the ground and taking down several attackers before using it like a javelin and impaling one henchman against the wall by his arm. Red Hood doing a move that looked like that one scene in Deadpool where he flips through the air and fires off one, two, three bullets.

As if that wasn’t badass enough, the two vigilantes seemed to only get better.

Red Hood crouched, and Black Bat ran, vaulting off the vigilante who lifted her into the air as she went, before spinning and kicking down the rest of the henchman.

The next clip was Black Bat standing on the right of Scarecrow with Red Hood on the left. It was obvious that they were angry, defensive, and frankly when they both rushed Scarecrow and double punched him, knocking him out cold, it was amazing. The clip to black in sync with the motions.

Comments:

“Wow, so that was hot”

“LOOK THE HARLEY AND IVY VID WITH THE REDS WAS ENOUGH YOU DON’T HAVE TO ATTACK MY SEXUALITY MORE I GET IT OKAY”

“Black bat could punch me in the face and I would thank her”

“I aspire to be as cool as Black Bat but I know that’s impossible”

“GET REKT SCARECROW”

“Bats said that scarecrow would be Coronavirus’ bitch but little did he know that BB and RH got to him first”

“This honest to god looks like a heavily CGI’d movie scene and that makes me mad because it isn’t it’s jUST THEIR LIVES LIKE THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO CAN LEGITIMATELY DO THIS SHIT”

“jeeeeeez what did Scarecrow do to piss them off”

“Existed”

“I didn’t know that I needed to see Red Hood and Black Bat fight together like that until now”

“Now you know”

“I do, it was amazing”

“I thought I was ace but now I’m questioning that judgement, maybe I’m badassexual instead”

“I too identify as badassexual”

“Fight choreographers should take notes”

“Yeah seriously, like I could watch two hours straight of the bats beating people up like that and never get bored”

* * *

“I’ve done what I can to flush the toxins from his system— fresh oxygen and medication to lower his pulse and brain activity to normal levels, but I’ve no idea when he will wake up.” Alfred said, addressing the family. “We just have to wait.”

“And Robin?” Batman asked.

“Robin has several broken ribs, a fractured collar bone, his shoulder was dislocated again, along with severe bruising along the majority of his body that has caused minor damage to several of his organs, however, he will make a full recovery. He stayed conscious for most of his treatment until I gave him sedatives to help him rest, so I believe he won’t be unconscious for long.”

Batman nodded, seeming satisfied. He turned and left without another word. Red Hood, Black Bat, and Red Robin hung around by the beds of their two brothers.

“Worried,” Cass said, looking at Tim.

“Yeah, I’m worried. From what the scans said, it seemed like Dick was suffering through the worst nightmare of his life. I just... wish I could’ve helped sooner.”

“Me too,” Cass said, resting her hand on Tim’s. He gave her a gentle smile in return.

Jason grunted, slumping into the chair next to Dick’s bed. “He’s still shaking.”

“Yeah,” Tim whispered, rotating his hand to hold onto Cass’ tighter.

“He will be okay,” Cass said. “He looks better than before. Only uphill from here.” She squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“I mean, at least they’re not dead,” Jason added with that lilt to his voice that explicitly meant he was referring to his own death.

“Really, Jay?” Tim asked, one eyebrow raised in annoyance.

“What? It’s true.”

The corners of Tim’s lips turned upward and he shook his head, exasperated. “Yeah it’s true. Watch over them for me, yeah? I’m gonna go help Bruce find an antidote for this stuff.” He released Cass’ hand, letting his fingertips linger on hers before walking away.

* * *

Tim spent the rest of the night at Bruce’s side, analyzing the toxin and using previous antidotes to form a new one. Unfortunately, they didn’t have a proper sample of the toxin—only what they’d managed to pull from Nightwing’s lungs, which was a mixture of two toxins which only made the entire process more difficult.

When Tim looked at the time next, it was 7 AM. He’d pulled yet another all-nighter.

Bruce leaned back in the chair next to him, rubbing at his eyes with a long sigh. Tim felt that.

“I don’t think we can make a proper antidote without samples of the gases separately.” Bruce grunted.

“Yeah, I’m getting that too. Should we go interrogate Scarecrow?”

Bruce shook his head, “I’ll do that, you get some rest.”

Tim rolled his eyes, “Hypocrite.”

“Yeah, I know.” Bruce replied.

Tim made to turn around, knowing that he’d already won one argument with Bruce and shouldn’t push his luck, but he hesitated.

“B?”

“Yes, Tim?”

“Thank you for listening to me earlier.”

Bruce turned to face Tim, actually looking him in the eyes. Tim could see the bags under his eyes and slight worry lines around his mouth. “You handled the situation well, Tim. I’m proud of you.”

Tim smiled slightly, stepping towards Bruce. “They’re gonna be okay, Bruce.”

Bruce averted his eyes, looking towards the medbay where Cass was curled up in a seat next to the two beds. Jason must’ve left sometime in the last several hours. “We should‘be been more prepared. We should’ve known that villains would still attack. Instead we thought that last night would be just like any other night since the Coronavirus started. We let our guard down and Robin and Nightwing got hurt because of it. That’s on me.”

“We get hurt all the time, Bruce. That’s part of the job description. Preparation had nothing to do with it. _You_ had nothing to do with it.”

“But I should’ve.”

Tim pursed his lips. “They won’t see it that way.”

“It doesn’t matter how they see it, it’s the truth.”

Tim ran a hand through his too-long hair. “We can’t prepare for everything Bruce. Trust me, if we could I would’ve done it ages ago. None of us knew that Scarecrow would attack. None of us knew he had a new fear toxin. So stop blaming yourself, please.”

Bruce grunted and turned away from him, “Get some rest, Tim.”

Yeah, he saw that one coming, didn’t he? Fuckin emotionally constipated hot pocket.

* * *

Dick was stuck.

It was a horrible time loop of all of his friends and family dying. Of his failures. His mistakes.

First his parents, then his siblings, then Bruce, then Alfred, then his friends, then it would back track to everything he’d ever done wrong ever.

Repeat.

You’d think that after running through this loop for the fourth time now, seeing his failures wouldn’t hurt as much as it did the first time.

Yeah, _no_.

He looked on from a rooftop as Tim got kicked out a window by Ra’s al Ghul. He ran forward, leaping off the roof, grappling hook catching on a ledge. He reached out for Tim’s body, but his fingers only graced Tim’s cape.

Tim slipped through his fingers, falling, falling, falling—

Tim’s face was content, blissful, happy almost. That hurt more than anything. Tim should look scared, he should be trying to save himself from the fall, he—

Tim’s eyes opened, locking with Dick’s. “You’re my brother, Dick. You were supposed to save me.”

And then Tim’s body hit the pavement.

Dick’s scream was cut off by the scene shifting again, always again, always more.

* * *

Jason sat at the piano in the second living room, playing the keys in whatever rhythm he felt like. He wasn’t exactly playing a song, just letting his fingers dance over the keys in whatever fashion they wanted to.

It was calming.

He’d left his sibling’s sides a couple hours ago, brought a blanket for Cass since she wanted to stay with them, and had gone out to finish patrol for them.

That was kinda an excuse, it was mostly just a way to not focus on the night’s events. When he’d been fighting Scarecrow’s henchman, he’d had things to do, people to kill (luckily Bruce hadn’t said anything about that), but just sitting there? Watching them breathe? Watching Dickhead’s hands shake and his eyes squeeze tighter every few minutes, or bruises continue to form on demon child’s semi-dark skin. Hell no. That made him feel useless. It reminded him of how he couldn’t do anything as that bomb went off and he really didn’t want to think about that right now.

So he’d reloaded his guns and gone out. Taken down a few criminals, shot a couple of cans just cause, found a little girl scourging for food in an alleyway and had promptly given her all the money he had on him at the moment (about $200). He’d even found a pigeon with a broken wing and had taken it to a shelter— the look on the person’s face who was working the night shift was something else.

He’d stayed out most of the night, had come back to Bruce and Tim working in the lab, Dick, Cass, and Damian looking exactly the same as when he’d left.

So, he’d trudged upstairs, taken a hot shower that was probably a bit too hot (but nothing like that seemed to bother him anymore), changed into what he would consider nice clothes, and made breakfast.

He considered making food for the others, but decided against it. Instead, he ate his food rather quickly and then sat down at the piano.

First he’d played a few simple tunes, even a song Dick had taught him, played a real song, and now he’d run out of things to play. So he just sat there with his fingers on the keys.

Part of him wondered if some of the fear toxin from last night had affected him. His mind kept replaying his death, the ticking of the bomb, the feeling of the crowbar hitting his skin.

His hands shook slightly— that’s why he was busying them with the piano.

Shooting things hadn’t stopped it. Cooking hadn’t either. The dull ache in his stomach didn’t go away when he ate. It didn’t go away when he played the piano.

It would’ve been nice if it were the fear toxin that was doing this to him. That meant there would be a cure eventually. That what he was feeling was artificial— something that could be whisked away with a little bit of science and genius.

But he knew his air filters had been working last night. He’d checked. Both before and after the fight. 100% operational.

He wasn’t shaking because of the fear toxin. His stomach didn’t hurt because of the fear toxin. He didn’t keep flashing back to That Night because of the fear toxin.

No.

That was just his brain doing that if it’s own accord.

Ha, good ole PTSD for you, right?

He kept playing the piano.


	92. Jason is bad at dealing with his emotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk man, I rewrote this chapter like 4 times
> 
> BUT I finally got my new keyboard soooooooo

Tim was laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was supposed to be sleeping. He was tired. But sleep wouldn’t come.

It had been two days since the attack. Robin had woken up yesterday but had promptly fallen asleep five minutes later. Bruce was still working on the antidote and had essentially told Tim that he wanted to work on it alone. Cass would spend an hour or two with them a day, practicing her English by reading them a book. Alfred checked on them every hour or so. Tim would sit down next to them and work on a few cases or scroll through Tumblr. Jason would walk by, check in, and then leave. Never staying for more than five minutes.

Duke was set to come back to the Manor tonight, so that was a plus. Maybe with him here the Manor wouldn’t feel so empty.

A knock sounded at his door, Tim glanced towards it. “Who is it?”

“Jason.”

Tim sat up slightly, “Come on in.”

Jason walked in, handed Tim a plate with a peanut butter and jelly on it, and then sat down next to Tim on the bed.

“What am I, 6?”

“You haven’t eaten anything.” Jason huffed, pulling out his phone.

“Yes I have.”

“A handful of stale goldfish doesn’t count.”

...good point... Tim took a bite of the sandwich, quietly mumbling a thanks to Jason.

Jason didn’t respond, he simply leaned back against Tim’s pillows, looking up at the ceiling.

Tim wasn’t sure if Jason wanted to say something and just didn’t know how or if he was in one of his ‘no talking’ moods. Either way, Tim didn’t particularly want to say anything either so he kept quiet.

When he finished his sandwich, he set the plate aside. Wow, his room was a mess...

“Wanna spar?”

Tim glanced at his brother, “Sure.”

* * *

Down in the Cave, Damian and Dick still lay in the medbay, Cass was reading a children’s book to them— Ariel, it sounded like. Bruce was working, he hadn’t stopped working though so that wasn’t a surprise.

Stepping onto the training mats, Jason pulled out his phone, “Music?”

“Sure, what you playing?”

“Uhhh...” Jason scrolled through his playlist. “Fall Out Boy?”

“Fuck yeah, but not ‘What A Catch, Donnie’ or I’ll cry.”

“Pff, obviously. Can’t fight to that song. We’re doing M A N I A album and then American Beauty American Psycho.”

“Sweet. Speaker?” Tim asked.

“Uhhh... I think Steph spilt soup on it during the floor is lava, the backup is in the cabinet over there.” Jason gestured vaguely to some of the storage cabinets.

“Gotcha. I’ll go get it then.”

* * *

“Alright, so how we doing this?” Tim asked.

Jason paused, “Music. Fight.”

Tim rolled his eyes, “I meant, do I get my bō or not? Are we gonna pick a certain style to fight in or is it all encompassing?”

“Nah. Just fight. Hands and feet like normal people.”

“Normal people?”

“Shut up.” Jason said, then he clicked play and rushed Tim.

Tim darted out of the way and threw a quick kick to Jason’s side as he went. If Jason were wearing his body armor, he wouldn’t have dared do that— that shit hurts— but seeing as they’re both in workout clothes, he could do whatever he wanted.

Admittedly though, Jason’s abs are hard enough to feel somewhat like body armor, so that part sucks.

Jason threw several jabs and punches, high, high, low, high, fuck that’s a hook—

“Jeez louise are you trying to kill me?”

Jason laughed, but didn’t respond. He simply threw more rapid fire punches.

Tim blocked a few of the punches, dodged one, darted back and leaned back onto his back foot, raising his other leg for a kick.

His foot connected hard with Jason’s solar plexus, which Tim honestly was not expecting. 

Jason grunted, coughed, and kept fighting. Most people would be sucking air from a kick like that, but not Jason apparently. It was probably the abs.

If Tim’s body were capable of making muscles like Jason’s, he would’ve done it a long time ago. But _nooooo_ , he just had to look like a French fry.

He blocked a hit from Jason, used the man’s momentum to swing around behind him, kicked out his knee, pressed on two pressure points in the shoulders, and—

Jason fell to the ground hard. Tim laughed.

“You’re off your game today, bro. On a normal day you wouldn’t let me get a move like that in for shit.”

Jason huffed and stood back up, “Are you gonna keep talking?”

Tim shrugged, then rushed in, punch, kick, punch, punch, block, fuck, shit, oh god why does Jason punch so hard—

Tim felt Jason grab his arm, hands positioned on Tim’s wrist and shoulder and oh shit, he knew what this was, fuck, it was too late to get out of it—

Jason threw his over his shoulder and Tim landed on the mats with a heavy thud.

“Owwww,” Tim groaned. “I thought we were friends.”

“We are,” Jason replied, moving away to give Tim space. “Which is why I’m not pummeling your face into the mat right now.”

“Wow, thanks.” Tim retorted, taking a deep breath to get air back into his lungs. He was gonna feel that one later. “I feel sooooo loved.”

Fall Out Boy was blasting over the speaker, _Centuries_ at the moment. That was nice.

He pulled himself back to his feet and got in a fighting stance. Oh how he wished he had his bō...

He and Jason circled each other for a moment. Tim took that time to notice all of Jason’s weaknesses, which admittedly, there weren’t many. Is that what happens when you reach 6 feet tall? You lose 90% of your weak spots because no one can fucking reach them?

Look, Tim had grown in his time searching from Bruce. He was now a whopping 5’ 8.5’’. That was amazing to him. He could reach the top cabinet now.

Still, Jason had a good three and a half inches on him that really made all the difference. 

There was a look in Jason’s eyes. He wanted a fight. Stimulation of some sort. Tim understood— he was trying to distract himself.

Well, if Jason wanted a fight, Tim could give him one.

He grit his teeth together, mentally making a quick plan. Then, when Jason took his first step towards Tim to begin the fighting again, Tim acted.

He rushed forward, punching at Jason’s jaw, then elbowing his ribs, darting backwards out of Jason’s reach and kicking, one, two, three, each kick going higher than the last— thigh, stomach, head.

He blocked a hit from Jason and then continued to rush him, overwhelming his brother with hit after hit.

Jason wanted a fight?

He’s got one.

Tim kept his assault going until he had Jason backed into the corner of the gym, dodging Jason’s attempts at fighting back— even using some of Jason’s hits against him. Jason threw a kick, fast, but Tim was smaller, lighter, quicker. He caught Jason’s knee and used it to shove Jason into the wall behind him.

He could see the slight panic in Jason’s eyes at the realization that he was being beaten by Tim of all people. Tim let a maniacal smile cross his lips as he elbowed Jason across the jaw, a hit that would’ve knocked anyone but Jason out (stupid Lazarus pit). A knife hand to the neck, catch Jason’s punch again, use it to spin Jason face first into the wall. Kick the knee out again.

Tim smiled. He didn’t get this satisfaction often— beating Jason was near impossible. (It was impossible whenever Jason was A) trying and B) wearing his body armor).

“Having fun, Red?”

Jason shoved against the wall, effectively pushing Tim away. He scoffed, “That wasn’t bad. Since when could you fight like that?”

Tim shrugged, bouncing a bit on the balls of his feet. “Since I started trying. You wanted a fight, right?”

Jason paused, averting his gaze. “You’re too smart for your own damn good, Replacement.”

Tim chuckled, moving to grab a water bottle he’d set off to the side. “Yeah, I know. I would ask if you want to talk about it, but I know the answer is no.”

“Obviously, why do you think I asked to spar?”

“Probably because you’re just as emotionally constipated as Bruce.”

Jason snorted, “As if you aren’t exactly the same, Replacement.”

Tim didn’t answer that one.

“Again?” Jason asked.

“What, you want me to kick your ass again?” Tim retorted, taking another large gulp of water.

Jason grinned, “Bold of you to assume I’ll even let you get a punch in this time.”

“I don’t know, you definitely looked like you were trying last time, I’m just too quick for you.”

“You wanna test that? Get a domino mask, Replacement.” Jason’s expression was the definition of challenging.

Tim cocked his head to the side, “Uh, why?”

“Cause we might as well tik tok this since Cass is standing over there filming.”

Tim looked over to see Cass leaning against some of the training equipment, Tim’s phone in hand. She gave him a small smile.

He chuckled, “Well okay then.”

* * *

The video started with Red Robin and Red Hood circling each other, fists poised to fight. The title read, “Red VS Red — Sparring like a Bat”

Both of them were in workout clothes and domino masks, but it was easy to tell which on was which due to the height difference and the white streak in Red Hood’s hair. Not to mention that Red Hood is built like a brick shithouse in comparison to Red Robin.

Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea was playing over this video— this being one of the very few videos from the Bats that had music with it.

A title popped up, “Round One.” Red Robin was showed taking down Red Hood.

“Round Two.” Red Hood shoulder throwing Red Robin into the mat hard enough to shake some of the nearby equipment.

“Round Three.” This part was much longer, showing Red Robin ruthlessly attacking Red Hood and backing him into a wall, then shoving Red Hood’s face into said wall.

“Round Four.” Red Hood and Red Robin traded blows back and forth, and then out of nowhere, Red Hood rushed forward and tackled Red Robin like a football player might, pinning Red Robin facefirst into the mat.

“Round Five.” It was going normally, punches, kicks, elbows, attempts at chokeholds and wrist locks that didn’t work, until until out of nowhere Red Robin climbed Red Hood like he was a tree, wrapped his legs around Red Hood’s neck and shoulders, and used his momentum to flip them both over onto the floor. He had Red Hood locked in a chokehold after that.

The music faded out as Red Hood tapped the ground, and Red Robin released his hold.

“Where the fuck did you learn that?” Hood asked, clearing his throat.

Red Robin grinned, “Black Bat taught me. Badass right?”

“Fucking Black Widow shit is what that was. I didn’t think anyone could actually pull that off.”

* * *

Comments:

“Okay okay, so you give us that last update and then you show up with THIS? Come on, you’ve gotta at least give me a little bit of warning.”

“yeah no shit”

“That grin on Red Robin’s face in round three? Hot.”

“With each round that passed, I got more and more conflicted on which one was my fav”

“IS NO ONE GONNA TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT RED ROBIN IS WEARING LEGGINGS???????”

“It’s a fact we all accepted the second we saw it”

“I mean,,, they all wear spandex on the daily, it’s not that big of a deal”

“Yeah, but the leggings give off different Vibes”

“At least it isn’t Hood wearing the leggings else we would all combust on the spot”

“Can BB teach me that move too?”

“It’s official, the Reds + FOB is my new aesthetic”

“imagine if the Reds were in a music video tho”

“No, don’t do that, don’t give me hope”

“I’m never gonna stop watching this am I?”

“nope”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 4](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490672/chapters/60142876) of [Rise of Cardinal](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490672/chapters/59114389)


	93. Wake Me Up When September Ends

When Damian woke up, it was to ridiculously loud music blasting through the Cave. He couldn’t even make out the lyrics.

He went back to sleep.

The next time he woke up, it was to Drake lounging in a chair next to his bed, feet propped up on Richard’s bed, typing on his computer. It looked like he was coding something— so either Drake was hacking or he was programming.

Richard was in the bed next to him, looking much better than before.

Damian smiled slightly and went back to sleep.

The final time he woke up, it was to Todd putting shaving cream on Richard’s face.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

Todd didn’t even give Damian more than a glance, “Well at first I came over here to prank you with shaving cream, which I was still planning on doing but I guess you’re awake now so that’s a bust, but then I noticed that Dickiebird is getting a bit scruffy. Figured I’d be a decent brother and shave his face for him. So,” Todd gestured with the razor in his hand. “That’s what I’m doing.”

“I see. That’s acceptable.” Damian settles back into his bed further, taking a moment to assess his injuries. He could tell that his ribs had been wrapped— good, he specifically remembered those breaking. His arm was in a sling— why exactly? Oh, right, the collar bone. And the shoulder. He could see the bruising along his arms, which were fading. That was good.

In general, he figured it could’ve been worse.

“How long has it been?”

“Bout two days. Three ish, I guess. Duke’s on his way over.”

“Surely I was not unconscious for that long.”

“We gave you some sedatives so you’d rest.”

“I see.”

Todd continued to shave Richard’s face, and Damian just laid there staring at the ceiling. He could get up, but he had an IV connected to him and after the first three times he’d been yelled at for ripping out the IV, he’d learned to just wait for someone else to take it out.

There was a bat hanging near the ceiling. Would be a shame if someone were to... make some soup out of it.

Wow, he has definitely been around Todd too much.

“Can you take the IV out of my arm so I may return to my normal tasks?” Damian asked Todd, who was currently shaving around Richard’s mouth.

“ALFRED!” Jason called out.

“Tt. You’re far too loud.”

Todd scoffed and went back to what he was doing.

Pennyworth entered the Cave, smiling when he saw that Damian was awake. “Master Damian, how are you feeling?”

“Fine, but I assume that is due to the pain medication you have me on.”

“Presumably.” Pennyworth replied. “How is your arm?”

“Tt, decent. I would prefer if it weren’t injured in the first place.”

“I certainly see why. You have a fractured collar bone and a dislocated shoulder. I relocated your shoulder, but your collar bone will take several weeks to heal.”

“And Grayson?”

“Master Dick is sleeping off the toxin. We don’t know when it will wear off completely or if it will at all. Master Bruce is searching for an antidote.”

“Drake is not assisting him?” Damian asked. Drake was always sticking his nose in things like that.

“Master Bruce has decided to keep Master Tim off the case for reasons only he can understand.”

Next to them, Jason scoffed. “It’s cause he’s doing that thing where he blames himself for everything ever even if it has nothing to do with him.”

Pennyworth nodded, “Yes, that. I used to hope that one day he will see the fault in those beliefs, but at this point I have lost that hope.”

Damian tutted again, and tried not to wince as he felt Pennyworth pull the IV out of his arm. “Drake usually doesn’t let Father stop him.”

Jason made a vague shrugging movement, “Think he put too much effort into keeping Bruce from going to save you and Dickie that he didn’t feel like arguing with Bruce anymore.”

Damian furrowed his eyebrows, “Why would he bother to do that? Father would’ve been helpful.”

“No mask filters,” Todd answered, taking a towel and wiping off Richard’s face. “There we go, smooth as a nice lookin’ gun.”

Damian raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment further. Pennyworth was currently checking some of Damian’s bruises with gentle fingers.

“Undoubtedly, Master Jason. He will be quite happy when he wakes up.”

“Fuckin better be,” Todd mumbled. “Aight, I’m off. See you later, gotta make sure Duke actually gets here safely or whatever.”

Todd left the cave, footsteps his weird mix of heavy thuds and inaudible motions, mumbling something along the lines of, “Hate when Golden Boy is out of commission, then I have to be the big brother and that’s too much fucking responsibility.”

Pennyworth cracked a smile, “Seems his sparring match with Master Tim did him well.”

“Is that what the music was?”

“Yes, Master Bruce was having trouble concentrating. Added it to his Microsoft Word Complaints Spreadsheet.”

Damian snorted, “Which category?”

“I’ve no idea, though I imagine it was under Legitimate. There we are, Master Damian. You may return to your normal activities, though I would appreciate it if you would agree to a checkup tomorrow morning.”

Damian huffed, “Of course.”

* * *

First, he went and checked on Batcow, Titus, and his kittens, all of which seemed okay, if not missing his company. He promised that he’d be back once he got food. When he got upstairs, he found Drake in the living room. At the piano, actually. But he wasn’t playing the piano, he was just laying on it, staring at the ceiling.

“What are you doing?” He asked, tone accusatory.

Drake glanced up at him from where he was sprawled out atop the instrument. His gaze lit up, “You’re awake! How are you feeling?”

“Tt. Get down from there, that’s a very expensive instrument, I’d think that you of all people would understand that. You could easily damage it.”

Drake’s face went cold, “You’re clearly fine.” He laid back down on the piano, arms dangling over the sides uselessly.

Damian scowled.

“Besides, it’s not like Dick and Steph haven’t both done gymnastics routines on this thing. It’s practically invincible.”

“That’s hardly an excuse,” Damian replied, crossing his arms. “Can’t you lay elsewhere?”

“Well, I would lay in my bed, but Jason kicked me out.”

“Of your own bed? Why? He has his own.”

Drake huffed, “That’s what I told him, but he just said ‘yours is better‘ and fell asleep. Dude weighs like 300 pounds, I can’t exactly move him.”

“So you decided to lay on the piano?”

“Obviously. Besides, someone has to cover the dramatics while Dick is out.”

“Naturally.” Damian snarked. He moved forward to the piano bench, sitting down. Someone had to supervise Drake to make sure he didn’t break the piano.

“Whatcha playin?” Drake asked.

Damian paused. He... wasn’t going to play anything? He had a sling on his arm? (As if an injury has ever stopped him from playing before). “I’ve nothing in mind. Any requests?”

Drake hummed, looking at the ceiling again. “Dunno, you know any pop songs?”

“Why would I know any pop songs? Unlike you, I am classically trained to play the piano.” Damian instantly retorted. Why was he talking to Drake again?

“Yeah yeah, no need to bring up the fact that my parents didn’t love me. Just play whatever you feel like, gremlin.”

“That’s not what I—“ Damian huffed. Yeah, okay, he understood why Drake would take it that way.

He laid his fingers on the keys, trying to think of a song he had memorized that wasn’t Beethoven or Chopin or Mozart...

That narrowed it down to about two.

He picked the one he knew Drake knew, he’d learned to play it after hearing Drake play it first, and began to tap out the simple rhythm of the beginning notes.

Drake immediately recognized it, sitting up and staring at Damian with wide eyes.

Damian kept his face impassive as he continued to play, and Drake slowly seemed to accept it, laying back down on the piano, a slight smile on his face.

Halfway through the song, Damian heard Drake start humming quietly to the tune. He tried to ignore it.

“Wake me up when September ends...” Drake sang, so quiet that only Damian, who was right next to him, could hear it.

Drake was still facing the ceiling, but his eyes were closed now, a blissful smile on his face.

Damian played the end of the song, holding the last note out. Only then did it occur to him that he didn’t know what to do now. Drake was still laying on the piano? Smiling? Looking happy for once? Damian honestly didn’t think he’d ever seen Drake act like this— especially not in front of him. In front of Todd or Richard or Cain? Sure. He would relax some, maybe smile a bit, but he would never dare show that side when the only other person in the room was Damian.

It was nice, actually. Seeing Drake like this, no worry lines on his face or that cold calculating glare that was always in his eyes... it was different. Refreshing.

Damian was about to speak, actually compliment Drake for once, when the doorbell rang.

Drake bolted up, eyes wide, “Duke’s here!” He exclaimed, vaulting off the piano and sprinting for the door before Damian could even blink, much less figure out how to say something nice to Drake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me 93 chapters but I finally wrote some Tim and Dami fluff (ish)


	94. Unicorns are your friends now

Duke had been gone for what, three days? Three days and everything went to shit. Dick was hurt, Damian was hurt, Tim was undoubtedly on the edge of a mental breakdown, Jason was probably seconds away from shooting someone, Cass was probably fine (bless her for not being insane), and Bruce was undoubtedly being... Bruce.

This is why he stayed at the safe house in the first place.

This family is ridiculous.

The worst part is that somewhere during the floor is lava week, his views had gone from, “this family is fucking insane stay away from me” to “wow, this family is fucking insane, teach me your ways.”

...he wasn’t sure if that was a bad thing or not.

...probably the former.

And that’s why he’d agreed to come back. That and quarantine doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon so he might as well hang out with someone. Anyone. Even if that anyone includes:

  * A bat furry
  * A Dick Grayson
  * A gun toting madman who’s also a theater geek?
  * A ballerina who can probably fight an entire army blindfolded
  * A caffeine addict who is somehow better at detective-ing than Batman
  * A demon child with too many pets



Wow, his standards have really fallen haven’t they?

So here he is, standing outside the Wayne Manor front door once again, waiting for Alfred to answer the door for him—

“DUKE!” Tim yelled in his face, swinging the door open and grinning like a maniac.

Well,

Okay.

“Sup man,” He greeted, walking in. Damian was standing at the end of the hall, looking perplexed, an expression Duke rarely saw on that kid’s face. “Hey Damian.”

“Thomas,” Damian greeted. Duke also noticed the sling on his arm.

“Do you have other bags?” Tim asked from the door he had yet to close.

“Uh, yeah. Backseat.” He answered, after realizing that Tim wanted to get them for him.

Tim darted out towards the car that had brought him here. In the meantime, Alfred had just rounded the corner.

“Hello Master Duke, how are you today?”

“I’m good, Alfred. How’s Dick?”

“He is still recovering downstairs. Ah, it seems Master Tim is getting the rest of your stuff for you. I assume you still remember where your room is?”

Duke chuckled, “Yeah, Alf, I remember. What’s for dinner tonight?”

“Lasagna,” Alfred replied. At that moment, Tim walked back through the door, a bag slung over his shoulder and a few other things in his hands. He kicked the door closed behind him, and Duke honestly expected it to slam shut, but instead it closed gently, as if it had been closed normally.

Yeah, this family is weird.

It’s wonderful, actually.

“Cool. Tim, we going?”

“Yeah, let’s go.” Tim replied, still holding the rest of Duke’s stuff. Damian and Alfred both stepped to the side as they passed to go to Duke’s room.

* * *

Once all of his stuff was back where it was before he’d left the Manor, he slumped down on the bed, letting the soft mattress engulf him.

“I feel that,” Tim replied, taking over the chair in the corner of Duke’s room.

“It’s nice to be at the Manor and actually using my room.” Duke commented.

Tim snorted, “It’s much better than the Cave, right?”

“No shit, I wish I’d brought my mattress down like Jason did the first night. But nooo, I got the floor.”

“You totally should’ve shared with me and Jason.” Tim had a smile on his face and was playing with a strand of his hair absentmindedly.

So many weird sights recently. Duke’s never been used to seeing other heroes, especially some of the people who don’t spend much time in Gotham, acting normal. Being domestic, almost. Tim was almost always with the Teen Titans, Jason with the Outlaws, Nightwing in Blüdhaven. That left him with Batman, Robin, Spoiler, and Oracle— none of which give off domestic vibes at any given time, no matter how relaxed they are. (A case could be made for Stephanie, but Duke had no evidence to support that, he was convinced that she was always Extra).

But recently, he’d seen the entire family for way more time than he ever had since joining the family. It was weird seeing their relaxed sides, but it certainly wasn’t unwelcome.

It reminded him that even the Bats are still just people. That he, despite being a meta, was still just a human being underneath the suit and the powers and the name.

It was nice.

“I think that would’ve ended in a murder.” Duke joked. “And frankly, I don’t even know which one of us would’ve done the killing.”

Tim laughed, “You’re probably right. At least in the fort we had space to ourselves. If all three of us were trying to fit on Jason’s mattress, you’d have a lot more than a broken nose.”

Duke winced, “Agh, don’t remind me. Still your fault, by the way.”

Tim bowed his head, “Yeah yeah, I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t expect Bruce to kick you in the face. I thought he wouldn’t do that, ‘specially to his favorite.”

Duke blinked. Bruce’s what? “I’m not— what— that— no.”

Tim raised an eyebrow, “Really Duke? I mean, you’re the only meta hero allowed in Gotham. It’s kinda obvious.”

Duke shook his head, “No way. You’ve gotta be the favorite. World’s Greatest Detective and everything.”

“Pfft,” Tim shook his head. “Bruce didn’t exactly ask for me, man. I just showed up. Like,” Tim raised his hand in a wave, “ _Hi, I’m 13 and I’m here to tell you what your problem is_. I’m definitely not the favorite.”

Duke laughed, “You know, no one’s ever bothered to tell me how Batman, of all people, ended up with 6 kids.”

Tim hummed, “Well he took Dick in as his ward after his parents died. He found Jason trying to steal the tires off the Batmobile—“ Duke gaped. He what? “—I showed up after stalking him for years and then Cass and Damian also showed up one day, but Damian was biological soooo. You know how you joined the fam.”

“I’m sorry—“ Duke choked out. “Can you go back to Jason stealing the tires off the Batmobile?”

“What about me?” A voice called from outside. A knock sounded at the door before it opened to Jason’s confused face. “I heard my name.”

“We’re talking about how everyone joined the family.” Tim supplied. “You tried stealing the tires off the Batmobile.”

Jason grinned, walking into the room and sitting down on Duke’s bed. More accurately, sitting on Duke’s feet. “Damn right I did. Almost got away with it too.”

Duke was so confused.

Also,,, this was a king sized bed?? There was plenty of room for Jason to be sitting elsewhere???

“Weren't you sleeping?” Tim asked.

“Yeah but then I wasn’t cause reasons and I figured I’d go bother Cass or something when I heard my name, so—“ Jason gestured around, indicating that that’s why he was here.

“Gotcha,” Tim nodded. “Quick question: who do you think is Bruce’s favorite?”

“Oh, Golden Boy, easy.”

Duke rolled his eyes, “‘kay so none of us know.”

“What? You guys don’t think it’s Dickiebird? He’s literally perfect in Bruce’s eyes.”

Tim shrugged, “I figured it was Duke.”

“I thought it was Tim.” Duke pitched in. His feet were starting to go numb...

Jason raised an eyebrow, “I mean, Duke I totally understand, but Timmy hangs around me too much to be Bruce’s favorite.”

Tim made an offended noise, holding a hand to his chest. “Hey!”

“What? It’s true. Plus, you’re a human disaster!”

“Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you have to say it aloud!” Tim retorted, voice cracking at the end.

Jason roared in laughter, and Duke couldn’t help but join in. These two... they were probably the real reason he was back at the Manor if he was being honest.

That and the tik toks.

A knock sounded at the door.

“Yeah?” Duke called out.

“It’s Damian. Pennyworth says that dinner will be ready in 30 minutes.”

“Great, you wanna come in?”

There was a tut from the other side of the door before it opened. Damian took in the scene around him and then sat at Duke’s desk chair, farthest away from Tim. Jason was still sitting on Duke’s feet, but at this point Duke was pretty sure that Jason didn’t even realize he was doing that. Jason could be an asshole, but generally he wouldn’t be mean to anyone unless they were mean first.

........did Duke do something wrong?

... he didn’t think he did...

“Why are you sitting on his feet, Todd?” Damian asked, either having noticed Duke’s mental thought process or being just curious in general.

Jason furrowed his eyebrows, standing. “Am I? Shit, sorry Duke, why didn’t you say anything?”

Duke shrugged, “Was kinda trying to figure out if I’d pissed you off somehow and that was your weird version of revenge.”

Tim snorted in the corner. Jason gave Duke a weird look, “If I was mad at you I wouldn’t be sitting on your feet.”

“Well I never know with this family, you guys are all lunatics. Tim filled Damian’s shower with ducks, I think I have good reason.”

“Tt, he makes a fair point.” Damian added.

Jason chuckled and then waved at Duke, “Scooch, I wanna sit.”

Duke moved over and Jason sat down next to him on the bed, pointedly not sitting on Duke’s feet anymore.

“Duke?” Tim asked, his voice sounding somewhat wary but also excited. “Please tell me that that box on the shelf is what I think it is?”

The rest of them turned to where said box was and Duke smiled, “Oh, it is.”

“We’re playing it.” Tim decided.

“When Richard wakes up,” Damian cut in. “He will hate us forever if we play without him.”

“I’m sorry—“ Jason interrupted. “Did I miss this in the family gatherings I purposefully skipped? What the fuck is _Unstable Unicorns_?”

Duke, Tim, and Damian all grinned evilly at Jason, and Tim responded with, “Build a unicorn army, betray your friends, unicorns are your friends now.”

By the expression on Jason’s face, he could tell that Tim’s explanation wasn’t helping.

Damian leaned towards them, a look in his eye that Duke had seen on assassins ready to kill, “True evil. It is the only card game that can make Richard yell at me.”

The horror.

“What the fuck,” Jason whispered.

Duke patted Jason’s shoulder, having to maneuver awkwardly to do so but it was worth it, “You’re gonna love it man. When Dick wakes up, we’ll introduce you to it; I’ve got two expansion packs along with the normal pack. They’re both amazing.”

“I... feel like you guys are going to be assholes and sabotage me.”

Tim laughed, “That’s the point, Jay. Betray your friends, remember?”


	95. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *yells like Loki in Thor Ragnarok* I HAVE BEEN BUILDING UP TO THIS POINT FOR SEVEN CHAPTERS

Dinner had been quiet at first without Dick, but Jason had made up for it by excitedly telling Duke the full story of how he got adopted, which led to Tim telling Bruce off for kicking him off the antidote case, to which Damian sided with him saying that Dick would get better much sooner with the antidote, which led to Cass, Jason, and Duke agreeing, which led to Bruce conceding that he’d consider it, which led to Tim accidentally knocking over his glass in excitement, which led to water covering half the food and also spilling onto Cass and Jason, which led to arguing and frantic cleaning, which led to a good five minutes of Jason and Damian mocking Tim’s clumsiness, which—

You get the point. Dinner was chaos.

Jason, Duke, and Cass had all gone out on patrol for the night, while Tim had followed Bruce down the Cave to start working on the antidote again, which he will admit, Bruce wasn’t doing a bad job.They’d worked for several hours, up until midnight, before Alfred had told them both to go to bed.

Bruce had said that he’d be right up, and Tim had noticed the way he glanced at Dick’s bed, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out that Bruce wanted to sit with Dick for a minute or two.

So, Tim had bid both Alfred and Bruce goodnight and gone up to his room.

Except, anyone who knows Tim knows that he has a problem with actually going to sleep. It’s not that he didn’t want to, it’s just that he wanted to watch the episodes of Unus Annus that he’d missed and then keep working on the app he was making, and yeah, maybe he hadn’t slept the last two nights, but that was okay.

...right?

Around 2:30 AM, he decided that he was hungry. He trudged down to the kitchen, grabbed left over lasagna from dinner, microwaved it, and then ate it in the darkness of the kitchen.

If someone walked down and saw him, they’d be a bit confused. Maybe concerned. Probably not surprised though.

He quickly washed his plate and put it back in the cabinet before trudging back upstairs.

He passed Dick’s room, and then Damian’s and—

He paused, backtracking. He could hear something that sounded like... thrashing? He furrowed his eyebrows and pressed his ear to Damian’s door.

Yep, thrashing. Heavy breaths, he heard something fall—

“Grayson—“ Damian choked out. Crying. It sounded like Damian was crying.

That’s when it clicked in Tim’s head. Nightmare.

He opened the door, quickly rushing in. The lamp had been knocked off Damian’s bedside table, the covers had been kicked off the bed. Damian was crying, body shaking, breathing heavy. Tim noted that the sling that was supposed to be around Damian’s arm had been tossed across the room at some point.

Shit... what was he doing? He wasn’t Dick, Damian wouldn’t want Tim to see him like this. He certainly wouldn’t want Tim’s help.

“No, no, no, please—“ Damian whimpered out, body curling into a ball.

Tim bit his lip. What was he thinking? Damian needed help.

He rushed to Damian’s side, laying a firm hand on Damian’s shoulder — the uninjured one— pressing him down into the mattress, trying to calm Damian’s thrashing. “Damian.” He said, voice strong, hopefully loud enough to wake the boy up.

Apparently not. Damian lashed out, kicking at Tim, making Tim have to back up quickly to avoid the blows.

He tried again once Damian stopped kicking. Same result. Again. Again. Again.

This was starting to seem like more trouble than it was worth.

Tim moved to the bathroom, getting a small paper cup and filling it halfway with water. Damian would be pissed at him for this, but this was always a good way to wake people up.

He threw it on Damian’s face, calling his name at the same time.

Damian’s eyes snapped open, wildly looking around. They landed on Tim, and his gaze settled into anger.

“Drake...” Damian growled out.

Tim raised his hands in surrender, “You were having a nightmare, demon brat. I was just trying to wake you up.”

Damian’s gaze didn’t change. “So you decided to throw water on me?”

“Well, that wasn’t exactly my first option demon brat.”

Damian didn’t seem convinced, “Get out.”

Tim hesitated before nodding and making to leave. He heard Damian shift behind him and in the mirror, he saw Damian pull his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs. The room was too dark to make out anymore details, but Tim knew the emotions associated with that position.

He sighed, and then turned around. He grabbed the sling off the floor and picked the lamp up, putting it back on the bedside table.

“Here,” He said quietly, holding out the sling. “Let me help you put it back on. I know a fractured collar bone hurts like a bitch.”

Damian wasn’t looking at Tim anymore, but that didn’t stop Tim from seeing the tear tracks on Damian’s face.

Damian didn’t move, but he also didn’t yell at Tim further, so that had to be a win, right? Tim sat down next to Damian on the bed, carefully coaxing Damian to release his hold on his legs before gently putting the sling back on his little brother’s arm.

Damian’s eyes were screwed shut now, but Tim wasn’t sure why. “You okay, Dami?”

He heard Damian’s sharp intake of breath, before Damian replied, “Stop pretending to care about me, Drake. Just go back to your room, I’m fine.”

Tim frowned, “I’m not pretending, Damian. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

It took Damian a moment to answer, but he did. “I told you, I’m fine. Leave me be.”

Tim nodded, making to leave again. Wow, he was bad at this.

What would Dick do in this situation?

(He probably wouldn’t be leaving right now, that’s what).

Tim paused at the door again, hand on the door handle. He glanced back to the mirror to see that Damian hadn’t moved. Tim sighed, running a hand through his hair and turning back around. He knew exactly what Dick would do in this situation, but he also knew that Damian wouldn’t want Tim to be the one comforting him.

Tim grabbed the comforter off the floor and dragged it back onto the bed, climbing in next to Damian. He saw Damian look up at him, confused. “What are you doing, Drake?”

“Dick would stay with you, wouldn’t he?” Tim said. “So, this is me, trying my best here.”

Damian looked like he was at a loss for words, so Tim just patted the space next to him. Damian hesitated for a moment before scooting back and settling into the spot next to Tim.

It was awkward. Beyond awkward. What was Tim supposed to do next?

Whenever Tim had nightmares, Dick would stay with him. He’d always ask if Tim wanted to talk about it. Sometimes the answer was yes, sometimes no. Sometimes Tim would just curl into Dick’s side and cry until he fell asleep. Sometimes Tim would ask to go work out or play a card game.

“Wanna talk about it?” Tim whispered to Damian.

Damian didn’t respond.

Tim frowned, “That’s okay. I know I’m not Dick.” He pulled the covers up over Damian and him.

Damian’s breathing was still a bit labored, Tim noted. “Did you hurt your ribs more?”

Damian hesitated before nodding and tapping his collar bone as well.

“Gotcha. There’s... uh, not much we can really do about those, but I can get you some pain meds if you want?”

Damian nodded. Tim got out of bed and went to the bathroom, rummaging through the cabinets until he found the bottle he needed.

He got some water and the pills and returned to Damian, handing them over.

“Thanks,” Damian mumbled, taking the medicine and then moving to set the cup on the table, only to wince at the strain on his shoulder. Tim took the cup and set it aside for him before crawling back in next to Damian.

“Richard died.” Damian blurted out. “Richard died and it was my fault. I couldn’t save him.”

Tim blinked.

“I was too late,” Damian’s voice was a whisper now. “And the one person in this world that understands me was gone. It was my fault.”

Tim closed his eyes, not saying anything, just letting Damian continue if he wanted.

“I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t save him. And then he was dead and everyone told me it was my fault. Father, Pennyworth, Todd, Cain... you.” Damian’s voice trailed out. Silence filled the room again and Tim could hear the crickets coming from outside and the faint rumble of the air conditioning.

“It’s stupid, I know.” Damian grumbled.

Tim shook his head, “It’s not stupid, Damian.”

“Yes it is. He was right there and I couldn’t even fight off enough people to stop Scarecrow from hurting him.”

Tim laughed, causing Damian to glare at him. “What?” Damian snapped.

“Nothing, it’s just... you think that nightmare is stupid? I promise you, it’s not. That shit happens. Being too late to save someone you love happens all the time. People getting hurt because you weren’t good enough... it’s more common than you think.”

“Thanks,” Damian grumbled.

“That _you_ wasn’t referring to Damian Wayne not being good enough to save the people he loves. I was talking about Tim Drake not being good enough to save the people he loves.”

Damian was quiet, but Tim could hear the gears turning in his mind. “What do you mean?” Damian whispered.

Tim stared at the ceiling, laughing ruefully. “Come on, Dami. I know you’re not stupid. My parents are dead— my fault. Kon, Bart, and Steph were all dead at one point— my fault. Bruce died... I wasn’t there to save any of them. I wasn’t good enough. My. Fault.”

Damian didn’t say anything, but he moved closer to Tim, his body now pressing against Tim’s side.

“Your nightmare, Damian? That’s my fucking life. Trust me, it’s not stupid. It hurts. A lot. Because when you lose someone, everything starts reminding you of them. I couldn’t look at the color purple for ages without thinking about Steph. Couldn’t be a Titan without thinking about Kon and Bart. I couldn’t look at the Drake Manor without thinking about my parents. Even stupid little things. First time I heard a certain song, I was with Kon, can’t listen to it without thinking about him now. Can’t eat Cheez-it’s without thinking about Bart.

“Losing people sucks. The nightmares it gives you... the empty feeling... I get where you’re coming from Damian, trust me. Out of all the people in this house... I think I understand the most.”

He felt Damian press his head against Tim’s shoulder. “They’re okay now.”

“Not my parents,” Tim said ruefully.

“From what I understand, they didn’t exactly care about you.”

Tim shrugged, “They... cared in their own way. I think. I don’t know. Dick’s told me a million times that I’m too quick to forgive someone, to let them back into my life even after they hurt me. Hell, that’s kinda what I’m doing right now, isn’t it?”

Damian chuckled, and then winced, grabbing at his ribs, “Owww...”

Tim smiled, “You good, baby bird?”

“Don’t call me that. I still hate you.”

“Really? I thought we were having a moment.”

“We most certainly were not having a moment, Timothy.”

“ _Timothy_?”

“I meant Drake. Shut up.”

Tim laughed, and then wrapped an arm around Damian, pulling him closer, “Sure thing, Damian. You wanna keep going about your dream or should we just go to sleep?”

“Tt. You are not staying in my room.”

Tim yawned, “It’s a bit too late for that.”

Damian grumbled before settling further into Tim’s side. “Will Richard be okay?”

“Yeah. He’ll wake up soon, Dami. He’s strong. Stronger than all of us. And when he does wake up, I have no doubts that he’ll give us all one of his patented Dick Grayson hugs. And then everything will go back to normal, and you’ll never have to see me in your room ever again.”

Damian smiled, “That would be a blessing.”

“Hey!” Tim protested, “Rude.”

“What?”

Tim chuckled laying his head down on the top of Damian’s head, “Nothing, it would be a blessing to have Dick back. I think Jason is having an existential crisis about having to be the older brother.”

“He truly is. He was shaving Richard’s face earlier.”

“ _WoAh_ , who knew Jaybird was capable of being kind and compassionate?”

Damian snickered, “Certainly not me. He must’ve been hiding this side from us.”

Tim was grinning wide now, “I mean, I’m kinda jealous now. Thought I was special.”

Damian tutted, but it was playful instead of his usual arrogant tut, “You got replaced.”

“Ugh, I know.”

Damian yawned, “Thank you, Timothy.” His thanks was almost inaudible, but Tim heard it. He shifted, pulling Damian’s small form closer to him, holding his little brother close, feeling Damian nuzzle into Tim’s chest.

“You’re welcome, Dami.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I sucker for this sort of shit? Yes I am


	96. Wakey wakey

When Damian woke up, Timothy was gone. Not surprising.

Damian quickly ran through his morning routine, trying his best not to disturb his injuries any further. Speaking of said injuries, his pain medication had worn off and everything hurt. A lot. 

The walk downstairs was more like a slow and painful trudge, but if anyone asked, he was fine thank you very much.

In the kitchen, Timothy sat at the island drinking coffee. Probably black, no sugar, no cream. Just pure, bitter, black coffee. Damian had tried Drake’s coffee once just to see what was so great about it and he had promptly decided that it was not great in any way shape or form.

“Timothy,” he greeted, walking in, grabbing an apple from the basket of fruit on the counter.

“Morning, Damian. Sleep good?”

“Better,” he responded. “Have you checked on Richard today?”

Drake shook his head, “No, but Cass came up and told me that he looks like he might be waking up soon, even without the antidote.”

“That is good.” Damian replied before deciding that he was getting tired of talking to Drake without insulting him. Sure they’d bonded or whatever last night, but there was only so much he could manage. “I assume you will be fine with acting as if last night never happened?”

Timothy looked up at him, that same worn look in his eyes that rarely left his eyes. “Course, demon spawn.”

“Tt. Drake.” He responded in kind, though a hint of a smirk crossed his features.

Drake’s nodded, the same smirk on his lips. “I’m going down to check on Dick, feel free to join anytime. Or stay as far away from me as possible. I’ll take either really.”

With that, he left, placing his coffee cup in the sink before he went.

* * *

Dick’s nightmares were getting better.

Maybe.

In some twisted way, this entire ordeal might be therapeutic, forcing him to live his worst fears over and over again.

It didn’t feel therapeutic though. It just hurt.

He’d regained his normal thought processes somewhat recently. Now it was less like he couldn’t feel anything other than fear and more like numbness tinged with fear.

Still bad, but better.

Right now, he was surrounded by darkness. Which was weird, seeing as he wasn’t afraid of the dark. In fact, he found it calming.

But once again, the nightmares were only _maybe_ getting better. Maybe.

This was that maybe.

Batman stepped from the shadows, his form huge and menacing, the sharp edges of his suit looking much more deadly than they did in real life, the bat-smirk on his face was like a razor sharp knife, cutting into his soul.

Batman rushed forward, backing Dick into a wall, pressing the blades of his arm gauntlet against Dick’s jugular.

“B...” He whimpered. Not real, not real, not real...

“I never should have made you Robin. I never should have picked you up off that circus floor. You’re a failure, Dick.” Batman’s voice was low, but steady. The signs of someone telling the truth.

“I’m sorry... B, I’m sorry...”

“It’s your fault Jason died. It’s your fault that Tim has lost so much. It’s your fault that your brothers suffer from nightmares so often. You can’t help them because it’s your fault. If you hadn’t become Robin then their skin wouldn’t be covered in scars, they would have normal lives, it’s your fault—“

“No, no, no— Damian—“

Batman paused.

“Damian,” Dick repeated. “I didn’t fail Damian. He’s good. He’s better because of me.”

The darkness started to clear up.

Batman growled, “What’s one compared to the many?”

Dick shrunk back, his momentary confidence lost. “I don’t...”

“That’s right. I should never have saved you that night.”

Dick bowed his head, crumpling to his knees. He felt himself giving in, once again, he always gave in. Weak...

He felt something touch his hand. He looked up, but there was nothing there. Still, he could feel the pressure.

This wasn’t the first time he’d felt that pressure, but this was the first time it was so clear. Warm. Like a hand was holding his...

He looked up at the monster in front of him. This wasn’t Batman. Sure, Batman was big and menacing, dark and brooding, but he was so much more. He was a dad. He was compassionate, even if it was in his own weird way. He fought everyday, he sacrificed himself over andover again, because for him, as long as he saved one person, he was helping. Each and every single person mattered to him— even people as horrible as the Joker. It doesn’t seem like it on the outside, but Dick knew. He knew the real Batman, because he’d been on the receiving end of that compassion. He’d seen Batman sit for hours with scared little kids, seen him hold their hand and ask them what their stuffed animal’s name is.

He liked to imagine that Dick was that kid now, and the pressure on his hand was his Batman, the real Batman.

“You’re wrong,” he told the monster in front of him, gaze defiant. Something in him was screaming that this Batman was right, that everything was his fault, but he didn’t listen. “It’s not my fault. Nothing is. And even if it is... I can’t change the past. I can only be better. Do better. Love my brothers and sister and my Dad as much as I can.”

The Batman in front of him flickered.

“You’re not real. You’re just in my head. You’re the Batman I’m afraid of.”

The image flickered more, the darkness started to fade away.

There was more pressure, on his other hand this time. He wondered if it was Damian holding his hand. Or Tim? Jason? Cass?

So many people that loved him.

“So many you’ve failed.” The monster growled.

“No.” He told it. He didn’t explain further. He didn’t need to.

The darkness faded away completely, replaced by a gentle voice.

“His vitals are back to normal. I’d bet 10 bucks that he’ll wake up within the hour.”

A tut followed that, “Are you really betting on Richard at a time like this, Drake?”

“What? Look at him, he’s not shaking anymore. His pulse and brain activity are back down to normal levels. I told you he’d be fine, demon spawn.”

Dick smiled. Tim and Damian.

“Tim’s right.”

Bruce’s voice. Deep, rumbling, but full of love.

“Look, he’s smiling.” Bruce continued.

Dick found it in him to open his eyes, slowly, blinking at the light.

On his left, Tim sat in a chair, holding Dick’s hand. Damian stood at Tim’s shoulder, green eyes shining. On Dick’s right, Bruce sat in another chair, clutching Dick’s hand between his two massive ones.

Any fear left in him faded away the second he saw their faces.

“Dick?” Tim asked, his voice holding that gentle smoothness he associated with the boy.

“Hey,” he whispered, tightening his grip on the hands holding his.

“How you feeling?”

Dick hummed, considering it. “Good. You guy’s’ hands are warm.”

Tim chuckled at his response, but Bruce simply held his hand tighter.

“You’re hurt,” Dick said, making eye contact with Damian.

Damian rolled his eyes, “I’m fine, Richard. What matters is that you’re okay.”

He smiled at his brother, “Aweeee Damiiiii...”

Damian scowled, “Don’t make it weird, Richard.”

“Okay okay,” he raised his hands in surrender, unfortunately having to pull them from Tim and Bruce’s grasps in order to do so.

“I’m going to call Alfred, have him give you a quick check up,” Bruce said, leaning forward and kissing the top of his head before walking away.

Dick blinked. He turned to his brothers slowly, “Uh... that did just happen right? You guys saw that?”

Tim laughed, the dopey grin having not fallen from his face since Dick had woken up.

Dick sat up in his bed, feeling physically fine but mentally kinda tired. “So what’d I miss? More importantly, how long have I been out?”

“This is the fourth day,” Damian answered.

Dick raised an eyebrow, damn, he was out for a while.

“And you missed Duke coming back, chaotic family dinner that totally ended in an argument, and Jason realizing that he has to be the big brother when you’re not around to do it. Plus a couple of Tik toks. None of that happened in that order by the way.” Tim helpfully replied.

“Wow, so a lot.”

“Kinda, but we’ve mostly just been waiting for you to wake up. Cass, Jason, and Duke all went out on patrol last night and Jace is gonna help me pick the best parts to Tik Tok. Damian and I avoided each other as much as possible.”

Damian had a look on his face that screamed, ‘ _I did not get to avoid Drake for as long as I wanted to_.’ Tim’s face, on the other hand, was essentially neutral, though he still looked happy to be talking to Dick.

“What happened between you two?” Dick asked. “Damian has that face. Please tell me you guys didn’t get into another fight.”

“We didn’t.” Tim instantly responded. “And don’t worry about it. If anything, it was a positive experience.”

“Tt, what face?” Damian asked, apparently having to reboot for a moment before asking his question.

“You have a face that you make when you have to spend time with Tim.”

Damian scowled— and Tim looked very offended— “I do not have a face.”

“You do though.”

“Do not.”

“Do too.”

Damian turned away.

Dick smirked and fist bumped Tim, “But really, you guys didn’t argue?”

“Nope.” Tim replies, but didn’t go into any further detail. And if Tim wasn’t going into detail now, then he wouldn’t be going into detail later. That’s just how Tim is. With Jason or Damian, you can usually coax the information out of them eventually, but if Tim decides not to tell you something, then you’ll never know what it is.

Bruce could be like that too, come to think of it.

Cass and Duke were usually pretty open, so getting them to talk about things wasn’t too hard.

Steph and Babs were wild cards though, no specific way about it. They could go from being willing to share everything to being more closed off than Bruce.

“‘Kay then, I’m just gonna take your word for it.”

At that moment, Bruce returned with Alfred and Cass in tow. Cass was wearing something akin to overalls? But not? Whatever it was, the knees were covered in dirt, so Dick figured that she’d been gardening.

“ _Hello_ ,” she signed from across the room, which was honestly just a wave but there was something different about Cass’ hello and a wave. Maybe it was the love.

“How are you feeling, Master Dick?”

“Pretty good. Kinda emotionally tired, but physically I feel great.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Lean forward for me?”

Dick leaned forward and breathed deeply as Alfred checked him over with the stethoscope. “Your lungs sound fine now, Master Dick.”

He grinned, “Does that mean I can get up and give these idiots a hug?”

“Yes it does.”

Dick instantly bolted out of the bed and tackled Bruce into a massive hug. He felt more than heard Bruce’s chuckle, rumbling in his chest. Not loud, but there. He held on for a few seconds before darting to Damian and enveloping him in a hug. And then Tim and then Alfred and then Cass, each one getting a hug that would probably be Thor approved.

He didn’t know why, but Thor just looked like the type of guy to give good hugs. Big and warm and probably pulls you off your feet a little bit. Just overall an A+ hug.

When Jason and Duke strolled into the Cave, discussing something that sounded like the logistics behind the Hunger Games (????), Dick immediately ran to them and hugged them too.

“Woah, Golden Boy, you’re up!” Jason responded, pushing Dick away from the hug but looking happy all the same. Dick didn’t mind, Jason was never the hug type. Duke, on the other hand, was the perfect sort of person to cling to. And that’s exactly what he did, wrapping his arms around Duke’s neck and shoulders and pulling him in close.

When he finally stepped away, having hugged everyone there, he decided that was nowhere near done with the hugs, but those could wait a little bit longer.

* * *

It was decided that Dick should rest the remainder of the day, just to get the rest of his strength back. Dick didn’t talk about what the toxin did to him, so no one asked. If Dick wanted to talk about something, he would. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t. Simple as that.

Tim had spent an hour or so with Jason, picking out the best clips from patrol and throughly enjoyed the outcome.

Duke had joined Cass outside, where Cass was planting flowers and a small vegetable garden, saying that she wanted to learn something new. After that, they’d gone inside, washed up, and made lunch together.

Dick had happily taken over Damian’s bed in his resting escapades, not because he was like Jason in the bed stealing, but because Damian had asked if Dick would stay with him. Of course, Dick hadn’t refused. So while Dick slept, Damian painted. It was a more abstract painting than Damian would normally do, but he felt it portrayed his emotions— his love for his brothers— more than his typical painting style would.

Bruce was still working on the antidote, so that next time Scarecrow attacked, they would be ready. But there was less stiffness to his shoulders, more light in his eyes.

However, when the day drew to a close and they all gathered around for dinner, Duke happily announced how they should spend the rest of their night, “—Unstable Unicorns.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was time to have him back


	97. UnStAbLe UnIcOrNs? I think you mean Unstable Bats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is half me explaining the rules and half chaos

They had to sit on the floor. That’s how card games went when the entire family tries to play— they don’t have a table big enough for all of them that isn’t the dining room table and Alfred would die before he let them play card games in the dining room (card games ended in fights 90% of the time, especially Unstable Unicorns, and he was not going to put these people near anything breakable).

So, they all sat in a large circle on the floor of the living room that was more like an home theater, having moved the couches (plural, once again, this family is huge) to the sides of the room to leave a large space in the middle.

Even Bruce was playing, though it had taken Cass dragging him there saying that she couldn’t play since she couldn’t read the cards all that well and needed his help, to get him to agree to playing. His original excuse was that he had better things to do than play a card game about unicorns, but Damian and Duke knew that he was scarred from the last time they’d played (Duke had played a particularly mean card and Bruce had almost yelled at Duke, you know, one of his few unproblematic children) (he tried to avoid the game after that).

So, Bruce on the floor with Cass in his lap, both of them looking very content despite the fact that Bruce had been grumbling the entire way to the living room about not wanting to play and Cass had not so discreetly signed in Tim’s direction that “Bruce is very comfy” just moments prior.

On their right, Duke sat with the box of cards and expansion packs, his skin seeming to glow just a bit from happiness. (It was unclear if that was a result of his meta power— they were pretty sure he couldn’t do that— or if Duke was just that excited).

To Duke’s right was Jason, who was staring at the box in a mix of wariness and confusion, and who would occasionally glance at Dick, who was bouncing ever so slightly.

To Jason’s right was Tim, obviously. Tim looked as impassive as ever, which meant that he was already planning how to take the entire family down despite not even having his cards yet.

To Tim’s right was Dick, who as previously mentioned, was bouncing slightly.

Damian was the final person in the circle, sitting to Dick’s right and Bruce/Cass’ left. He, like Tim, looked completely impassive, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t just as excited as Dick was. He also had Titus laying behind him, providing a backrest, and a kitten in his lap.

“Okay,” Duke began. “Cass and Jason haven’t played before, so we’re going to explain the rules as clearly as possible.” He took out the cards, and there had to be over 200 of them, and dealt them out, five to a person. “First you start with five cards in your hand. The hand is what you’re holding. I know that sounds self explanatory, but it’s important.”

Each person got passed a hand of cards. Then Duke reached for a set of cards that was separate, with a white back instead of black, “These are baby unicorns. Everyone gets one to start.”

He passed out a baby unicorn to each person. “The baby goes in your ‘stable’ which is on the floor in front of you. Your stable is the cards that are active, meaning unicorn cards, upgrades and downgrades. If you play a card from your hand, it’s going to go in a stable. That doesn’t mean it has to go in your stable though.”

Jason furrowed his eyebrows, “What?”

“You can play cards into other people’s stables. You can also reach over and read any card from another person’s stable at anytime. You’ll get it later,” Tim filled in.

“Typically, the game is played to 7 unicorn cards in your stable, meaning you win. However, seeing as there’s so many of us, Damian and I have decided to bump that number up to 10.” Duke continued.

“10?” Bruce asked, looking alarmed.

“Yep, 10. In order to win, you need 10 unicorn cards in your stable. This can be baby unicorn cards, like the one you already have in your stable, Basic unicorn cards, like this one—“ he held up a card showing a very cute unicorn. “—which is identified by the purple triangle at the top. Or Magical Unicorn cards—“ he held up a card with a blue triangle at the top. “These have special things written at the bottom. They are also the main reason why you can reach over and read a card that’s in another person’s stable. Some of them say things like ‘when this card enters your stable’ which means you do whatever it says when you place the card down, and others say something like ‘if this card is in your stable at the beginning of your turn,’ which means you have to wait until it’s your turn next to activate it. With that last one, it can be activated multiple times over, while the first one can only be activated once. Well, technically once.”

“Technically?” Cass asked.

“Sometimes cards from your stable get put back into your hand or moved to another player’s stable, in which case it would be entering the stable all over again and therefore can be activated twice.”

“I see.”

“There are upgrade and downgrade cards, which can be played into either your stable or another person’s stable.” He held up examples of both of those and Jason and Cass nodded in understanding.

“There are instant cards—“ he held up a card with several red exclamation points on it. “Called neigh cards. These can be played to stop another player from doing something.”

“For example,” Tim cut in. “If I played a downgrade card into Duke’s stable, and he didn’t like that, he could put a neigh card on it and stop me. If he did that, and I didn’t have another neigh to counter with, both card would go into the discard pile.”

“But—“ Damian cut in. “If Drake did have a neigh card to counter with, he could play it on top of that other neigh, meaning Thomas would have to keep the downgrade card.”

“Unless I had another neigh, or someone else was mad at Tim for something and wanted to stop him from putting the downgrade card in my stable.” Duke added.

“This ends up in neigh battles a lot,” Dick finished. “I think we’ve gone up to a total of 12 neighs in one battle because Tim and I teamed up against Duke and Damian.”

“Wow,” Jason breathed. “I’m staring to understand why this game gets so heated.”

“Yeap,” Tim said, popping the p. “Duke, care to continue?”

“Right, there are also Magic cards. These are the green ones with a star in the corner, and they do stuff but get placed in the discard pile as they’re being used. For example, there’s a magic card that allows you to destroy another person’s unicorn cards— meaning they’d get sent to the discard pile. I’d place the magic card in the pile, take the unicorn cards and put those in the discard pile too, and unless you neighed it, you wouldn’t be able to stop me.”

“Jeeez, okay.” Jason muttered.

“If you don’t know what a card does, or you just want to show people the very cute unicorn, you can show us the card in your hand. It mostly won’t matter because there’s no privacy in this game. There’s literally a downgrade card that makes you have to show the entire group your hand.”

“Already shuffled into the deck are the Dragon and Rainbow Apocalypse expansion packs. Dragons are what it sounds like, and the Rainbow Apocalypse pack is mean and frankly how I wish 2020 were actually going.”

Duke reached for another small stack of cards, “These are the reference cards,” he handed one to each person. “They let you know what you’re supposed to do. Each person’s turn goes, activate any cards you want that are already in your stable, draw a card, action phase where you play a card, and then end of turn, in which you have to make sure you have 7 or less cards in your hand. If you have 8 or more, discard cards until you reach 7.”

Jason and Cass nodded.

“The person wearing the most colorful outfit goes first, which I’m pretty sure goes to Dick over there.”

Dick grinned, he had purposely put on purple pants, a blue shirt, and pink socks just for this moment. “So first I’m going to draw,” he reached forward and drew a card. “And then I’m going to play a basic unicorn card into my stable.”

“Do you have to narrate what you do?” Jason asked.

“Nope,” Tim replied. “But sometimes it’s easier. We like to read out the cards we play to avoid the whole reaching over and reading another person’s card thing.”

“Gotcha.”

Damian reached forward, drew a card, smirked and placed it in his hand, before playing the Classy Narwhal card, “When this card enters your stable, you may search the deck for an upgrade card and add it to your hand.”

Tim groaned, “Really? We’re gonna be here forever.”

They were there for a while as Damian carefully looked through the entire deck before putting a card into his hand.

Cass drew a card, Bruce played a card, which was a basic unicorn.

* * *

“When this card enters your stable, each player must SACRIFICE a unicorn.” Tim read out, a smirk on his face.

Duke scowled, having only one unicorn card left in his stable after Cass had destroyed two of them. He discarded the card, and everyone else picked a unicorn to get rid of too.

Tim, on the other hand, grabbed one of his unicorn cards and put it back into his hand.

“What? You can’t do that!” Jason protested.

“Yes I can, if this card is to be sacrificed or destroyed, return it to your hand instead.” Tim retorted, a maniac grin on his face.

Jason huffed.

* * *

Damian casually played an upgrade card— YAY!— into his own stable, hoping no one would notice.

Tim instantly slapped down a neigh card.

Damian placed another on top of it. Tim scowled and placed another.

Damian laid down another neigh card.

“What the fuck,” Tim whispered. “How many of those do you have?”

Jason leaned forward, grabbed the upgrade card and read it aloud, “Cards you play cannot be neighed? Hell no,” He put a neigh card down on it.

Damian smirked and played yet another neigh.

“Ah-ah,” Duke cut in, removing Damian’s last neigh card. “Jace just super neighed you.”

“Fuck—“ Damian cursed, angrily taking back his one neigh card that couldn't be played because the super neigh was un-neighable, and then throwing the rest of the card into the discard pile.

“Language!” Dick scolded, smacking the top of Damian’s head.

Damian scowled but didn’t say anything further. Cass drew a card, frowned at it and asked Bruce why that would even be a card.

Bruce smirked, “Save it. It’ll be good.”

* * *

Dick placed down a magic card, “Timmy, switch hands with me.”

Tim blinked, looking absolutely repulsed. “No,” he decided, placing a neigh card. Duke laughed and counter neighed it.

“Hey!” Tim protested. “Why would you do that?”

“Because you’re about to win and I think it’d be funny if you got Dick’s hand.” Duke replied. Dick’s hand consisted of a whopping one card because he’d been forced to discard several cards after a particularly mean downgrade card had been played into his stable.

Tim glared at Duke before turning his glare on Dick and then handing over his hand, taking the one card Dick had and looking absolutely disgusted.

Dick, on the other hand, was laughing his ass off. “Timmy! Who knew you had such a great hand!”

“You did, apparently.” Tim growled, slouching. He had eight unicorn cards in his stable, and would’ve won by the next round if it weren’t for Dick Grayson and his evil hand of one card.

* * *

Jason drew a card, decided it was cute, and showed the rest of the group. They all agreed, except for Tim, who only had two cards in his hand and was obviously trying to figure out a way to win.

* * *

Cass laid down a card. “Unicorn of Pestilence. Each player must discard their hand.”

They all blinked, and then Tim sighed, and placed his three cards into the discard pile. Then Jason, Dick, Damian, Duke, and Cass.

Tim started to draw a new hand of cards, but Cass spoke up. “What are you doing? It says discard your hand, not get a new one.”

Pause.

The realization suddenly sunk in.

None of them had any cards left in their hands. None. Zero. Cass had just destroyed them all with one move. All they had left was what was already in their stables, and even then, Cass had waited until all the power cards had been either returned to the player’s hand or put in the discard pile.

Dick had tears in his eyes.

Duke slowly reached forward and drew one card. He played it. A basic unicorn card. He still had nothing in his hand.

* * *

Damian drew a card, looked at it, looked at the horses in his stable, and then played the card. “Unicorns of the Apocalypse. Sacrifice four unicorns from your stable and then search the deck for 4 unicorn cards and bring them directly into your stable.” He moved all of the horses in his stable to the discard pile and began his search.

When he was done, he activated the effects of three of the unicorns, destroying one of Jason’s cards, getting rid of the downgrade card in his stable, and allowing him to search the deck one more time for an upgrade card.

* * *

“NO!” Dick screeched. “NO! NO!”

Duke laughed, “YES!”

“NOOOOOO!”

* * *

A pillow was just thrown at Tim’s head. Cass had thrown it, Bruce hadn’t bothered stopping her. Tim only laughed and picked up the majority of the cards in Cass’ stable and placed them in the discard pile.

Downgrade cards were a bitch like that.

* * *

“How many cards do you have?”

“Uhhhhh...” Dick counted the cards in his hand. Fuck, I have 11.” He started discarding cards.

“11? How did you get to 11!?”

“I sorta forgot to discard cards.” Dick said sheepishly.

* * *

Tim placed down a card, “I win.”

“No you don’t.” Bruce instantly retorted, neighing Tim’s last card.

Tim scowled and neighed it back, “Yes I do.”

“No you don’t.” Jason added, adding another neigh to the pile.

Tim grumbled angrily and put the small stack of cards into the discard pile. “Fine, I don’t.”

* * *

Duke played a card, “When this card enters your stable, you may move an upgrade or downgrade card from another player’s stable into any other player’s stable.” He then grabbed the card that he’d played on Dick— tiny stable, meaning that Dick could only have five unicorns in his stable— and moved it over to Damian’s.

Damian growled, but couldn’t counter it, instead having to take four of his unicorns and discard them.

* * *

There was another reason that they didn’t use a table when playing. If they had, it would’ve been flipped ages ago.

“FUCK YOU!” Jason yelled, angrily throwing his unicorn cards into the discard pile.

* * *

“WHAT THE SHIT DICK?” Tim screeched, throwing the card he had to get rid of directly at Dick’s face with deadly accuracy.

* * *

“I win.” Dick stated happily, placing down his final unicorn card.

Pause.

“Wait—“ Tim said. “Shit, I don’t have any neighs.”

No one did, apparently.

“When did you—“ Duke started, having to take a moment to count the amount of Unicorn cards in Dick’s stable.

Dick laughed, picking up his cards and putting them in the center. “Better luck next time, losers.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next: what exactly happened on patrol with Jay, Cass, and Duke?


	98. Three Vigilantes + Halsey = I’m Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember RR talking about editing the clips from patrol with Jay, Cass, and Duke? Well here ya go

The tik tok began as all things should— with the beginning notes to Gasoline by Halsey followed by three very dramatic shots of three equally dramatic vigilantes.

Black Bat stepped from the shadows, moving like she was one of the shadows. The yellow of the bat’s crest on her chest gleamed in the light, causing a lens flare that shifted into Signal, standing in the light, turning towards the camera. The gentle strums of the backing instrument continued as a slow pan up Red Hood’s side ensued, finishing on the shining red metal of his helmet.

The entire sequence looked professionally done— and it might as well have been seeing as Red Robin had taken the time to gather his siblings just to shoot that one scene saying, “Please, it’ll look badass.”

Well.

He wasn’t wrong.

When the lyrics started, it jumped into another sequence of clips. Red Hood and Signal taking down several criminals, working smoothly together even though their styles were complete opposites.

Black Bat couldn’t be seen, at least, not if you weren’t looking for her. She moved as one with the shadows, and some clips would simply show a criminal standing there one second, and being on the ground the next. No editing, no skips in time, just Black Bat being quicker than the eye can see.

As the beat was about to pick up, the fighting stopped in general.

Instead, Signal was gesturing to a pile of cans.

When the beat dropped, the chorus setting in, it jumped to Signal and Black Bat throwing the cans in random directions and Red Hood shooting each one with deadly accuracy.

A fist bump shared between Hood and Signal switched the scene to Black Bat standing in front of a stool, blindfold covering her eyes. She kicked the stool, causing the water bottle on top of it to go flying into the air, but she simply spun around, and kicked the bottle as it flew through the air.

Signal caught the bottle, opened it and took a swig of the water, saying, “Nah, I don’t really have any tricks—“

The scene cut to Red Hood pointing to a very drunk looking man across the street. “What’s he gonna do next?”

“Uhhhh... he’s about to drop that box on his foot—“

The man yelped in pain as he dropped the box he was carrying onto his foot.

“And now he’s gonna trip over the curb—“

The man tripped, landing flat on his face.

“And now he’s going to reach pathetically for the bottle of beer he dropped.”

* * *

It cut back into the action sequences after that small intermission, Black Bat and Signal working together to take down a group of gangsters. Red Hood was nowhere in sight, but that’s because he was taking care of a mother and her child with gentle hands and an even gentler smile.

The next shot was Red Hood casually picking up a device off the ground and tossing it to Signal nonchalantly, “Huh, grenade.”

“What?” Signal asked, looking suddenly very alarmed.

“What, first time holding a grenade?” Red Hood countered. Black Bat stood behind him, looking slightly concerned. For which one of them, it was unclear.

“Ya know, it was never really a goal of mine.” Signal replied, holding the grenade very gingerly. “What exactly do I do with this?”

“Dunno, keep it I guess. It’s a dud, I already checked.” Hood replied.

“Wha— did you pull the pin?!” Signal was definitely alarmed now.

“Obviously.”

The music faded out completely.

* * *

Comments:

“I love how you can’t even see black bat sometimes”

“How do they _DO_ that?”

“I’ve never laughed harder than when I heard Signal narrate what that guy was gonna do right before he did it”

“I just want a movie starring all the bats, it doesn’t even need a plot, just make it them having fun and being badass”

“A gReNaDe?!?!!”

“That was probably sig’s entire thought process during that”

“That intro??? With Halsey??? Killed me????”

“That’s the true story of how RH died”

“One moment I’m standing here like ‘yeah, the Reds are my fav team up’ and then it’s like ‘wait, I was wrong, it’s NW and R’ and then ‘nah, BB and RH are my fav’ and then you give me this and I still can’t decide”

“Look Wonder Woman is amazing and all that but Black Bat has my soul, kay?”

“I dunno guys, Red Hood and Black Bat are pretty hot but there’s something so Pure about Signal. and yes, I say that even as I watch him kick a guy into a trash can. Pure Boi”

“Signal has my undying love too, don’t worry”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay,  
> I’m giving you guys a heads up  
> Several days in advance  
> I will not be updating on July 2nd - 6th  
> Why? Because the American holiday of July 4th is coming up and I’m actually going to be seeing people (*gasp* I know right?) basically I’m gonna be partying the entire weekend and probably won’t have the time or energy to write anything so *gestures vaguely* yeah  
> But, on either the fifth or sixth, I’ll be back with the daily updates as per usual :)  
> However, we’re gonna get to chapter 100 before that happens...


	99. Dick wasn’t done with tha hugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a mess but I really don’t care, enjoy

After Unstable Unicorns, Bruce and Tim had gone out on patrol, though Dick had begged to go with them them.

The answer was no.

Obviously.

Tim considered the patrol to be uneventful, though he did convince Bruce to give him a piggy back ride back to the Batmobile.

That conversation went about like:

> “Can I have a piggy back ride?”
> 
> Pause. “You’re 17, Tim.”
> 
> “Yeah I know, but my feetsies hurt.”
> 
> Exasperated sigh. “You’ve had much more convincing lies in the past.”
> 
> “And you haven’t said no.”
> 
> Yet another exasperated sigh, “Fine.”

Overall, Tim considered that the most successful patrol since quarantine started.

* * *

Coming back, Tim changed into pj pants that he’s 90% sure were a “gift” from Damian— they were purple and covered in many Will Smith’s, and generally meant to make Tim hate them, but jokes on Damian because they’re one of his favorites— a black hoodie, and socks, and then walked down to the living room, because Jason had sent him a text a few hours ago saying, “Dick has trapped us all in the living room. Save me.”

He didn’t exactly know what to expect upon walking in, but finding Dick, Jason, Duke, Cass, and Damian all curled up on one couch (1), fast asleep was not it.

They looked very peaceful despite Cass laying on the top of the couch with a hand resting on Damian’s hair, Duke sprawled over Jason, Dick hugging Jason’s legs, Damian being used as a pillow by Dick, and all of Duke’s right leg hanging off the edge of the couch.

Seems Dick wasn’t done with the family hugs.

Honestly Tim was surprised that Jason had managed to fall asleep with an entire human on him. But then again, maybe that was another benefit to being 6 feet tall. Who knows?

Tim chuckled, and then opened his phone camera. Sure, he’d have to edit on masks or something, but there was no way he wasn’t going to tik tok this.

* * *

It ended up being five seconds long. Vine length, basically. And it was just a ridiculous amount of children all sprawled on one couch, fast asleep.

The text on the screen read, “Batman and I came home from patrol to this.”

Comments:

“Awwww. They’re so peaceful”

“Very different from how they normally are lol”

“Sleep soundly little birdies :)”

“It’s like Sleeping beauty but only a hug will wake Nightwing up”

“Start to incorrectly describe how to cook things and RH will wake up”

“Waffles for spoiler, music for black bat, hugs again for signal, and a sad animal for Robin and they’ll be awake in seconds”

“It’s nap time”

“RR should be with them. He needs a nap more than any of them”

“Five kidssss, laying on a couch, right on top of each other because they have no regard for personal space”

“Or because they’re siblings”

“Batlings”

* * *

When Alfred walked into the living room the next morning, he found all of the children curled up, sleeping peacefully. Truly a rare sight. Even Master Tim was asleep, curled up at the foot of the couch covered in several blankets.

He shook his head and smiled, and left the room in search of a camera.

When he returned, the scene was exactly the same. Yet another picture to be framed.

* * *

The tik tok started with the phone creeping around a corner to show Red Robin and Signal sitting on the floor, leaning against a wall of the cave, water bottles in hand. It was clear they had been working out beforehand.

“You know, aesthetic stuff like that is great and all but anything can sound aesthetic if you try hard enough.” Red Robin said, handing a phone back to Signal.

Signal furrowed his eyebrows, “Really? I can think of a lot of things that aren’t aesthetic at all. Like murder, for instance.”

Red Robin didn’t look convinced, “Blood splatters, yellow caution tape, wailing sirens, tear stained pavement.”

Signal looked down, not saying anything for a moment, “Still brutal. Needs more proof.”

“Okay...” Red Robin began. “You’re on a road trip with your best friends, sitting in a Cadillac convertible with the top down, a cool breeze whips through your hair despite it being the middle of August, the air smells like roses and there’s a soft cat in your lap, pressing it’s head against the crook of your arm as you pass through a town whose streets are lined with trees and the stop light ahead is green, letting you pass right through it. Beverly Hills by Weezer plays from the speakers.”

Signal squinted at Red Robin, “Okay, I admit... it sounds very aesthetic. What’s the catch?”

“The catch is that was the worst road trip of my life.” Red Robin deadpanned. “The Teen Titans and I went on a mission in Arizona but our transport got blown up in the fight and half the team got injured— to injured to fly back— so we had to take previously mentioned Cadillac back to San Francisco. The top was broken and it was 104 degrees outside, the air conditioning was also broken so Superboy kept using his freeze breath every five minutes to provide the ‘gentle breeze.’ The air smelled like roses because Beast Boy and Kid Flash accidentally shattered Wonder Girl’s perfume, and to escape her wrath, KF jumped out of the car entirely and Beast Boy turned into a cat and sat in my lap. I was driving so Wonder Girl couldn’t get to him unless she wanted us to crash. His face was pressed into my arm because he was terrified of her. The town wasn’t actually that bad but the light I mentioned? There were two lights at the intersection, and one of them was green, but for some reason the other was a blue light and it messed with my head because I was dealing with all of the other shit and didn’t know what the fuck a blue light meant. Oh, and Superboy broke the radio ten minutes into the drive and it was stuck on Beverly Hills for the next 12 hours. The volume controls were also broken.”

Signal blinked. “Jeez... I liked the first description better.”

Red Robin sighed, taking a swig of his water. “Me too, meeee too.”

* * *

Comments:

“MOOD”

“Why is the person recording being sneaky???”

“It’s probably robin. Who even knows what’s going on in his head”

“Did. Did kid flash just run along side the car???”

“I mean. It was never specified”

“He could still be out there”

“Legends tell of a yellow and red boy running through the dessert at top speeds looking so so lost and so so confused”

“I wanna see beast boy as a cat!”

“I feel like he and robin would get along great”

“As long as he’s never in his human form”

“Was there one ‘it’s not unusual’ thrown in the middle of the music??”

“Eh. You just passed through nightvale”

“What??”

“The blue stoplight. They were in nightvale. It’s the only explanation”

“HoW DiD tHeY mAnAgE tO bReAk eVeRyThInG iN tHaT cAr?!”

“@ Wonder Girl, What perfume do you use? I want to smell like a rosy badass”

“You know, RR gave an aesthetic description of a murder scene and I had a moment of ‘wow, I want to be murdered’ and honestly,,,, wtf??”

“RR looks traumatized”

“It’s cause he is”

“Hey look, the tik toks recently have been great and all but where is Spoiler?”

“BRING BACK SPOILS YOU COWARDS”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I accidentally close the doc I use for this fic and when I open it again it starts at the very top, aka word 1 of 115,000+ and then I have to scroll all the way down to page 480 and I do not have the mental fortitude to deal with that shit


	100. 100 BITCHES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *laughs manically* I didn’t think I’d ever get to this point 
> 
> No but seriously, I had writer’s block all day yesterday because I wanted chapter 100 to be Amazing TM and I read fanfic the entire day instead of writing and I also complained at least once an hour to NM about said writer’s block (I’m sorry btw).  
> But.  
> From the hours of 10:30 PM to 2:00 AM, I wrote over 4,000 words that hopefully will make for an amazing Chapter 100
> 
> Let’s goooooo.....

From: Steph

Hey, the people want me back

From: Steph

Timmmmmmmboooooo

From: Steph

I’m coming over

From: Steph

Don’t worry I haven’t done anything but sleep since I got back

From: Steph

Ur puny immune system will be fine

From: Steph

DID YOU JUST LEAVE ME ON READ

* * *

“Dick,” Tim said absentmindedly, looking down at his phone. “Do we still have that volleyball net?”

Dick raised an eyebrow, “Uh I think it’s in storage, why?”

“Steph’s coming over. Figured we might as well play volleyball while we’re at it. She likes that game.”

“So do I,” Dick replied, a grin on his face. “I’ll go get Jay and we’ll set it up in the backyard. When’s she coming over? And does Alfred know about this?”

“He’s about to.”

* * *

Steph didn’t even ring the doorbell, she just walked right in and yelled, “I’M BACK BITCHES!” loud enough for it to be heard across the majority of the Manor despite the many soundproofed walls.

Cass calmly rounded the corner and held out her arms for a hug, which Steph automatically accepted, bounding across the room and essentially slammed into the other.

“You’re back. Come.” Cass said, turning away and walking silently through the house.

“Where are we going exactly? And where’s Dick? I saw the emergency notification but Tim told me you guys had it covered. Plus the Tik Tok yesterday helped a bit.”

“Outside. And Dick and Damian are both fine, though Damian is recovering from an injury to his shoulder. However, somehow I doubt that his injury is going to stop him.”

“Stop him? From what? Killing Tim?”

Cass smiled, “No, they are closer now.”

“Closer?” Steph was so confused. She hadn’t been gone _that_ long. “What alternate universe is this?”

Cass shrugged and gave Steph a look that she couldn’t really describe. It was like Cass was reading her soul, which is weird but that’s kinda how Cass seems to look at everyone. “Not alternate. Our boys. Just... not killing each other.”

Steph snorted, “Our boys. Story of our lives, right?”

Cass laughed, “Yes. Here.” She handed Steph a purple domino mask.

“What’s this for?”

“Tik Tok. We all wear one.” Cass replied, pulling out a black domino mask of her own.

Steph smiled, “Should we also get face masks, promote safety and stuff?”

“Too late for that,” Cass told her. “Besides, outside.” They walked through the last doorway, finding themselves in the backyard.

There were many things Stephanie probably should have noticed first. She should have noticed Dick standing on Jason’s shoulders, holding a hose above his head so he could shower Duke in water. She should have noticed Tim slathering so much sunscreen on his skin that he wasn’t a human being anymore, he was just SPF 100. She should have noticed Damian arguing with Bruce over whether or not his arm was healed enough to participate. She should have noticed Duke shaking the water off his skin like a dog and laughing loudly before inviting Cass over. She should have noticed Cass bounding over to splash Jason in the face, causing Jason to stumble and Dick to fall off his shoulders. She should have noticed a lot of things.

But her focus was on one thing.

The volleyball net with a white and purple volleyball waiting on the ground right next to it. “Oh _yES_!”

Tim looked up, smiling widely and wowww, that boy really needed to rub that sunscreen in more. Like, a _lot more_. “Thought you’d like that.”

She frowned at him, “Oh I see how it is. You put in the effort to bring out the volleyball net for us to play on but you can’t be bothered to reply to my text. All I needed was an ‘Okay, Steph, sounds great’”

Tim laughed and once again, wowwww the sunscreened skin really wasn’t helping with the Joker vibes. Tim would make a terrifying Joker Jr, wouldn’t he? She shivered and forced her brain to think about something else.

Luckily, it was easy to think about something else when Jason Todd was currently slinging a handful of mud directly at Dick’s face. Dick spluttered and wiped the mud off his face, gagging slightly at the taste before immediately rushing to wipe it on Jason’s Wonder Woman shirt.

“Hey goofballs!” Steph called, and they stopped long enough to glance at her. “Stop rolling around in the mud and let’s actually put this net to use!” Right to the point, she wanted to play volleyball, more specifically, she wanted to see Tim’s tiny self try and play volleyball when giants like Jason and Dick are on the court.

“Yes!” Dick whooped, handspringing over to the court and grabbing the volleyball. With most people, handspringing isn’t a verb to describe a way of getting places, but for Dick Grayson it was amongst the top five.

“Cass! Join me!” Dick exclaimed at the same time Jason yelled, “Steph get over here!”

Well who was she to say no to Jason? (She does it all the time actually, but having the tallest person here on her team seems like a great idea) “Okay Death Boy,” she joked, walking over to Jason’s side of the net.

Tim, who was still as white as Christmas, glanced between the two sides, seeming uncertain which team to pick. He didn’t have much of a choice though because Duke, who had just finished wringing the water out of his shirt and putting it back on, walked over to Jason’s side.

Tim shrugged and joined Dick and Cass, seeming unbothered.

Steph frowned, they were definitely missing someone. Oh if only she had Timmy’s detective skills... oh right. Damian.

Damian, who was still arguing fervently with Brucie-boi over there, gesturing to his sling and yelling, “I am not that injured! Allow me to participate in the game!”

Mr. Dark and Brooding fixed Damian with a glare, “No. If you wish to participate, you can referee, but that’s it. You need to heal if you want to go out on patrol again in the next month.”

Well that shut up the tater tot very quickly, if Steph said so herself. He crossed his arms and walked over to the net, standing near the pole so that he could see both sides of the court evenly. Steph tried not to laugh when she saw his realization that Dick and Timbo were on the same team and therefore he couldn’t be biased against Tim.

Well, she figured the wee one would still figure a way to hate on Tim while simultaneously showing favor towards Dick. He was scarily good at that...

“Tt. Just begin. We all know the rules.”

Dick frowned from where he stood across the net. “But we’re gonna tik tok this. It needs an intro.”

Jason scoffed, “No it doesn’t. Just serve the ball, Bitchard.”

Dick gaped, and Steph actually snorted.

“Did you just— I— how could you betray me like this?” Dick stuttered out, eyes wide under his royal blue domino mask.

Steph looked to Tim to gauge his reaction, Tim, who was smirking obviously and still rubbing in the sunscreen on his arm. At least the lotion on his skin seemed to have set a bit... sure he was still white af but at least it was like,,, vampire pale and not fell-into-a-vat-of-chemicals-and-turned-into-a-sunscreen-villain pale.

Dick seemed to eventually get over himself and then looked to Damian, who was currently being handed a phone by Alfred with a knowing smile.

“Why not just use the suit cameras?” Steph asked, a bit confused.

“Damian’s camera got crushed by Jason ‘accidentally’ throwing a dumbbell across the room an hour ago.” Duke piped up. “Red Robin hasn’t had the time to fix it yet. Your mask, mine, and Cass’ don’t have cameras either since we don’t wear dominos. These are just standard masks we found in storage.”

She nodded, “Thanks, Shiny.”

Dick clapped his hands, “Robin, you filming?”

“Yes, I’m filming. Serve the ball.”

Dick smiled and walked about twenty feet back from the net. Steph immediately dropped down into stance, with everyone else on the court following suit.

Dick served the ball with a powerful overhand, sending the ball flying way faster than any projectile should be moving—

Jason leaped up into the air and hit the ball right back over the net, directly at Tim who bumped it back over to Steph who set the ball and—

It went on like that for a while.

Thing about playing volleyball with vigilantes is that A) they don’t give two fucks about the rules. So, when Cass used a backflip and spiked the ball over the net while upside down in the air, it was completely allowed. Damian called the point to team Black-Night-Robin.

And B) the boundaries are not where they should be in a normal game. What was typically 30 feet of playing space on either side turned into about 50 feet, but honestly that kinda just meant that there wasn’t really an out-of-bounds. They liked to make it difficult. And with people capable of performing stunts like Cass just did, it was entirely allowed.

The only major rules that were enforced was no double hitting, don’t fucking touch net, and no using your feet. Kicking was not allowed. This was not soccer. This is extreme volleyball. You volley the ball over the net, not punt it.

It was Tim’s serve. He underhand served it, probably because the net was about his height and overhanding it would end up in him breaking the second rule.

Fun fact about Tim Drake: he’s not that great at volleyball, but he makes up for it by predicting moves and being fast enough to compensate for the fact that his arms turn red anytime the volleyball even remotely touches the skin of his forearms.

Duke set the ball to Jason, who jumped and spiked it over harshly, only for Dick to dive and bump the ball into the air and for Cass to leap in and spike it right back at them.

Steph laughed as she slid under the ball, hitting it up where Duke bumped it right back to the other side.

Another fun fact: games with the Bats tend to last forever because they’re all insane enough to pull moves that even the professionals don’t.

Or can’t?

Who knows, all Steph knew is that she was currently leaping off Jason’s back to stop to the ball from flying out of their reach after Dick had bumped the ball while still leaping up off the ground from where he’d fallen after a previous hit, giving the ball more momentum to fly up up and away.

She spiked the ball out of the air hard and heavy before falling back down to the ground and landing in a roll.

When she looked back up, Cass was picking the ball off the ground and handing it to Duke.

hA

“Take that, suckers!” She playfully yelled. Tim rolled his eyes and subtly gave her the middle finger.

Steph stuck her tongue out at Tim before bending her knees again, bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet as Jason served the ball.

* * *

“Point to Nightwing’s team,” Damian called out.

Steph scoffed, “What the—? No way! That was totally a foul!”

“Yes, on your part.”

* * *

Duke dramatically dived to the side and bumped the ball as he fell, hitting it up into the air high enough for Steph to get under it and set it and for Jason to join in, spiking the ball into the ground on the other side of the net, the force causing it to be too fast for even Cass to stop.

* * *

Steph had sent the ball flying. She honestly didn’t think they’d get to it at all, much less in time, but her opponents just lived to disappoint,didn’t they? Well, that should be obvious seeing as Tim is on the team but...

Dick Grayson was also on the other team.

And apparently that meant him immediately running into a round off - handspring - double layout move that had her soooo jealous because he managed to soar over the ball that was a good fifteen feet in the air, hitting it with his shoulder as he went, and it flew to Cass who was apparently _expecting_ that, and set it to Tim, who leaped way higher than a child that small should be able to do and spiked the ball over.

Jason dived forward, trying his damn best to save the ball from spelling their doom, but instead it bounced off his back and rolled away.

“Point to Nightwing’s team?” Damian called. “Though, I’m unsure if that move counts.”

Dick, who had decided that laying on the grass was the best course of action, just raised his head and glared at Damian, “I just pulled off one of the best stunts of my life, Robin, that had better count.”

Robin shrugged, “I’ll allow it then.”

* * *

Duke fell backwards as he bumped the ball, which luckily went over the net, except then she tripped over him on his way to fill in his spot as Tim aimed the next hit to where Duke had previously been standing, purposely doing that because he’s a little shit and wants Steph, Jason, and Duke to lose.

Steph managed to bump the ball high enough to keep it in the air on her way down, toppling over Duke and landing with what Tim would undoubtedly describe as a Minecraft “ _oof_.”

Luckily, Jason was a competent teammate and managed to hold his own long enough for Steph and Duke to get over themselves and get back to their feet.

* * *

Slow motion.

This had to be happening in slow motion.

Because Duke was leaping into the air to spike the ball, it’s white and purple stripes blending as his hand connected with the leather, sending it ricocheting right towards Tim.

Tim reeled backwards at the ball slammed into his face, hitting with a _thwack_ that echoes through the air.

Steph cackled as Tim stumbled back, landing on his butt, holding his nose which was bleeding now, tears in his eyes. Not voluntary, probably. Or maybe they were, seeing as Tim looked up at Duke with the most Betrayed expression imaginable.

“Payback,” Duke said, no remorse in his voice.

Damnnnnnn. She didn’t know Duke could be so cold.

* * *

When Tim’s nose was no longer bleeding, they returned to the game. The break was much needed actually, because lunch. And water. She’d forgotten that nutrition was a thing because the points were currently 68 to 72: Black-Night-Robin in the lead.

Which was annoying because they were only winning due to Nightwing and Black Bat’s ridiculous stunts.

But still. They could catch up.

They were going to catch up.

* * *

Steph tucked into a roll in order to get underneath the ball that had barely made it over the net— cheeky move Tim— and then set it high into the air. Jason rushed in and spiked it into the ground.

69 vs 72. Heh, 69...

Stop. Focus. Win. Tik Tok is watching. Can’t let Nightwing steal the spotlight with his ridiculous acrobatics.

* * *

Steph set the ball— overhand, thank you very much— and the ball immediately soared over the next and evaded even Cass’ quick reflexes.

She was NOT expecting to get a point just from that. But Damian waved his uninjured arm in her direction, indicating that it was their point and Jason and Duke both high fived her.

* * *

72 vs 73. Cass had managed to sneak a point in with a backwards set followed by Dick spiking the ball.

So close.

Volleyball games were usually never played this long. But once again, vigilantes.

Her arms hurt and her knees were skinned but Steph wanted to win. Mostly because Tim was on the other side of the net and this would be bragging material for ages, but also just because she’s a competitive person like that.

Steph’s eyes tracked the ball as Duke served it, underhand instead of his typical choice of overhand, and Tim bumped it back, and Jason returned it, and Dick attempted a spike, which Steph saved, and Jason hit back over the net, which Cass set and Tim sent it back towards Duke, who returned it—

Jason yelped in surprise behind her, causing Steph to lose her focus and for the ball to hit the ground, making the sound she would now associate with all of her hopes and dreams being crushed. She turned to Jason, ready to chew him out for ruining everything, only to find the man glaring at his shoulder in a mix of confusion and anger.

“A— A bird just shat on me!” He screamed, glaring up at the sky where there was no bird in sight. Not even a cloud. Just one massive ball of rapidly fusing hydrogen and helium atoms that resides many millions of miles away.

Dick was cackling, holding his sides, and saying something that sounded like, “Classic.”

Steph turned back to Jason, who definitely had a large bird dollop on his shoulder, and unashamedly joined Dick— and everyone else— in laughing at Jason.

Jason scowled, and said something in multiplelanguages (one had to be Spanish, one sounded like maybe it was Russian, and the other was unknown), but the words being said were undoubtedly curse words. Very heated curse words.

Jason pulled his shirt over his head and threw it on the ground, even stomping on it slightly, muttering, “My fucking Wonder Woman shirt. That thing was fucking vintage. Shit faced bird, motherfucker can póg mo thóin, osti de calisse de tabarnak, get fucked, I’m going to shoot that thing in the fucking balls next time I see it, I swear... que te folle un pez, bitch, my Wonder Woman shirt, how fucking dare it—“

Jeeeeeeez, Steph didn’t even understand half of those words and she felt like she needed to wash Jason’s mouth out with soap.

On the other hand... Jason was shirtless. And while this wasn’t exactly a rare occurrence, it sure was fun to admire... from a distance, of course, Jason was still fuming enough to radiate anger in the form of tangible heat. Still cursing too, wow, how many curse words did this guy know?

* * *

Dick had stripped his shirt too. Simply because he wanted to, not because a bird had decided to use him as a poop post. He’d also doused himself in the hose water dramatically.

Steph was not complaining.

* * *

Steph bumped the ball to Dick, who bumped it into the air, and then Tim spiked it and Duke saved the ball, and then Jason spiked it again and it bounced off Tim’s back and Cass hit it across the net and the ball rolled away yet again.

“Is... Is that allowed?” Tim asked, looking at Damian.

“No. Point to team bird feces.”

“HEY!”

* * *

Duke had just poured an entire water bottle over his face and frankly Steph had no impulse control, so she did the exact same thing.

“Guys, we have a hose for a reason.” Dick said, while pouring the hose water on himself.

“Not when you hog it,” Steph quipped.

* * *

The grass was wet now.

This was bad.

Why? Because Steph had just completely wiped out and owwwww, her back hurt...

* * *

“80 points,” Damian announced, pointing to Dick’s side of the next. “81 points.” Damian gestured to Steph’s side. She grinned.

Suckers.

She served the ball, over handing it right to Tim who yelped unceremoniously as he awkwardly set the ball to Dick, who Steph noticed had just recovered from avoiding a wipe out of his own. Dick sent the ball over the next and Jason hit it back— powerfully, his hits had become angrier since the poo— and Cass leaped off Tim’s back and spiked it down onto the court.

Tie.

Ew.

* * *

Steph flipped through the air, hopefully reminding Dick that he wasn’t the only gymnast here, thank you very much— and hit the ball over to Jason who sent it to Duke who sent it over the net to Tim, who was currently looking a little red— how??? That boy put on so much sunscreen—

Tim sent the ball back over, and Duke quickly spiked it.

Point.

* * *

Duke had decided to discard his shirt.

Though he, like Jason, had a decent reason, and his was that his shirt had gotten ripped after Duke had dived to the ground to save the ball, and a stick in the grass had caught on the fabric.

Now Tim— and Damian, she supposed, but the Boy Brat didn’t really count— was the only male there that was still wearing a shirt. She kinda doubted he’d take it off anytime soon. Tim was stingy about stuff like that. In fact, Steph was honestly surprised to see him wearing a t-shirt, like,,,, forearms??? Very hot, much wow. Tim usually only wore long sleeves, so this was a development for sure.

But yeah, she didn’t expect Tim to lose the shirt anytime soon. Disappointing, but not surprising.

* * *

Dick had just hit the ball so hard that it flew into a tree.

Duke turned to Dick without hesitation, saying, “ _What the fuck, Richard?_ ”

Steph cackled, probably not unlike that bird had after taking out the almighty Red Hood.

* * *

The atmosphere was tense. And hot. Very hot, the sun had to be trying to bake them. She wondered if she should’ve left cookies on the dashboard of her car...

—But that wasn’t the atmosphere she was talking about.

No.

What she was referring to was the heavy glares from each player on the court. Tim, Dick, and Cass all had the Batglare faces on and frankly it was terrifying— Steph hadn’t learned that particular skill yet, but she made up for it with waffles, determination, and purple.

The score was 99 vs 99.

Game point.

Jason served the ball, hitting it hard and heavy. Cass immediately hit it back, moving so gracefully that Steph was jealous. Speaking of Steph, she set the ball, Duke sent it over the net, straight to Dick who sent it back—

Steph rushed forward, leaping into the air and spiking the ball before it even fully crossed the net. It hit the ground hard and she had to tuck into some weird backwards roll to avoid falling into the net because then the point wouldn’t count—

“Point.” Damian called. At some point the fun sized Robin had gotten a smoothie that was bright orange— probably mango— and was halfway through drinking it. “Stephanie, Jason, and Duke win the game.”

StEpHaNIe? Woah, he actually knows their names?!!!

She whooped and pulled the boys on her team into a hug, screaming excitedly. They were soooo sweaty and frankly it was disgusting but they’d won! HA!

“TAKE THAT!” She screamed at the other team, who looked only slightly disappointed but mostly just amused at their reactions.

Tim had that grin on his face that he only had when he was proud of her, and it meant a lot to see it on his face now because it’d been years since she’d last seen it, before he turned and walked away, muttering, “Thank god, I’ve been slowly turning into a Thanksgiving ham for the last four hours.”

Dick vaulted himself over the net— as opposed to Cass just walking under it— and quickly high fived Steph. “That was awesome! You guys were great! We soooo need to do this again!”

“No!” Tim yelled from where he stood in the shade, an ice cold water in hand.

Cass was also smiling wide at them, signing, “ _You played well. I am impressed. Maybe the bird poop helped your success_.”

Look, Steph didn’t know Cass knew how to joke, much less that it was even possible to joke in sign language, but Cass’ statement had everyone dissolving into laughter again.

Well, except Jason who had returned to looking ready to murder a bitch. And Tim, who was now laying face down on the ground in the shade.

Was he asleep?

Probably.

Steph shrugged it off, not surprised by Tim automatically falling asleep the second he was no longer expected to be awake. This had clearly been way too much sun for him. Poor boy was not meant for sunlight.

* * *

Comments:

“Wow, I never knew I needed to see them play volleyball, but now I’ll never get it out of my head”

“SPOILER! SPOILER! SPOILER!”

“THE BIRDDDDD POOOOOOOPPPPP!”

“Jeeeeeez, RH curses worse than a sailor”

“they should find a sailor and make it a competition, who can out curse the other?”

“I was not expecting Signal to drop an f bomb, much less a vine reference, but I loved every second of it”

“Imagine if this is how professional volleyball games actually went. I’d buy every ticket ever”

“I now want to see a justice league volleyball tournament. Bats VS supers”

“RH HAS A VINTAGE WONDER WOMAN SHIRT???? HOW????? WHERE DO I GET ONE???”

“Nightwing’s acrobatics in this gave me life. My soul has been healed. I am Happy now.”

“honestly tho, BB and Spoils had some amazing moments too”

“Sigs spiking the ball into RR’s face?? Hot, but I feel bad for RR”

“Anyone else feeling the Beach vibes from this or is that just my inner A:TLA fangirl?”

“ hey. Look. You can’t just show up and give me this. And not cover my hospital bills when I go into cardiac arrest because I cannot handle seeing 3/4 batboys without shirts, some crazy moves, and spoiler’s excitement upon winning, kay?”

“THE SUN???? IT EXISTS??? I HAVEN’T SEEN THE SUN IN YEARS!!!”

“Ya know, Robin might have be refereeing this round, but his sass really shone through in this vid”

“Misty May-Treanor is shaking in her boots”

“Imagine pulling this shit at a high school volleyball match omg”

“When the shots switched from the wide view to what the bats were seeing through their masks??? Killed me”

“Poor rr be looking like a ghost in this”

“The speed at which they are doing this is insane to me. Like... how are they not getting hit in the face all the time?”

“I mean... did you see RR?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *bows* and now I take my leave, see you guys on July 7th
> 
> (And if you get any strange replies to your comments, chances are I let NM answer the comments again)


	101. The calm before the storm?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! I’m back  
> My weekend was great, in case you were wondering. The only thing worth repeating though is that there was a spider in the canoe.  
> Please note that I am afraid of spiders. 
> 
> .  
> .  
> .
> 
> Also, I wrote this on my phone on the car ride back. No I did not edit it. No I am not editing it. Suffer.

The camera panned around the corner slowly. The time on the computer read 8:32 PM. Nightwing stood, leaning against one of the display cases, his arms crossed and hips jutting out. Batman stood in front of him, a large menacing figure. They seemed to be talking about a case, if the seriousness of their expressions was anything to go by.

A quiet snicker could be heard from behind the camera as the camera zoomed in on Nightwing’s shoes. Royal blue stilettos.

A title appeared, “I have no idea why he’s wearing those.”

* * *

Comments:

“Has Batman noticed or...?”

“Those look absolutely great on him”

“Can I have a superhero fashion set? Nightwing’s stilettos, Wonder Girl’s perfume, etc.”

“He’s wearing them because he knows he looks amazing”

“The seriousness tho”

* * *

In this family, it’s fairly common to spend time in someone else’s room just because you like it more than yours.

That’s what Damian was currently doing.

See, Thomas’ room was just so comfortable. His bed was ridiculously soft— Damian had insisted on having a firm bed when he’d first arrived and now it was too late to go back on that statement— Thomas had movie posters on his walls, a bookshelf full of classics, games, and funko pops of various heroes and fictional characters. It was the opposite of Damian’s room. The soft yellows and greys of Thomas’ bedding was calming, not to mention that his room smelled cozy, a scent that Damian didn’t think existed until he’d stepped in Thomas’ room for the first time.

Damian didn’t actually know where Thomas was currently, potentially filming a Tik Tok with Todd (something about Drake playing the piano? Damian had turned out the second he’d heard “Tim”). But Thomas being gone just made the peacefulness of the room better.

Truth was, Thomas had the best room in the house. It wasn’t just Damian’s opinion either, everyone accepted it as fact.

Richard didn’t stay at the Manor much anymore, but his room had a comfortable bed with navy silk sheets and the walls had paintings Damian had given him. The baseboard of his bed had a balance beam installed on it so that Richard could walk across it at any time. Damian had seen Richard do cartwheel after cartwheel on it when he was nervous. There was a massive beanbag in the corner— a bright red one that didn’t match anything in the room at all and had several stains on it from various things (Damian was fairly sure that milk and blood were the top offenders).

Todd didn’t stay at the Manor at all (up until he moved back in for the quarantine), but he still had his old room. Damian had been forced to listen to Todd rant about how creepy it was that his room was exactly the same as it had been five years ago. He’d also listened to Todd tossing out all of his clothes and angrily whispering, “how hard would it have been to give this shit to charity, Jesus fuck.”

So yeah, Todd’s room was kinda empty. Damian had seen Todd’s kris dagger on the dresser, along with his guns. All of his old books were still there, and Todd has installed another bookshelf for all of his new ones. The bedspread was plain, the walls bare, bullet casings littered the floor, and it always smelled like gunpowder in there. Damian tended to avoid Todd’s room.

Drake’s room was a disaster that Damian didn’t want to think about. Textbooks and clothes littered the floor, there were still traces of glitter, coffee stains and empty plates were always present, no matter how much cleaning Alfred does. It’s not that Drake’s room wasn’t comfortable— Drake’s room was annoyingly comfortable— it’s just that it didn’t hold a candle to Thomas’. Well, that and Damian would rather die than admit that the coffee and ink smell that Drake has going on is actually very nice.

Damian didn’t go in Cain’s room much, and neither did she. Damian knew that the walls were bare and there wasn’t a bed either. In fact, Cain slept on Japanese style tatami mats, with various pillows around her. She liked the firmness of the floor and made it clear that beds were often too soft for her, she always felt like she was being suffocated. The room didn’t have much stuff in it, making more room for her to dance, but there were books on English and Japanese as well as a painting Damian had made her and a computer from Drake.

Damian had never been in Brown’s room and would like to keep it that way. Knowing her, it was probably purple from floor to ceiling.

So yeah, Thomas’ room.

He closed his eyes, relishing in the peace of the quietness, well aware of how rare quiet moments are.

* * *

Duke heard it first. Soft piano notes and quiet humming. It didn’t register in his brain for a moment— someone was playing the piano? And humming along?

Well now Duke was curious.

So headed toward the sound, running into Jason along the way, who already had his phone out and camera open, ran into Damian as well, who simply tutted at Jason’s explanation and then continued walking, and then they found themselves at the doorway to the living room.

Inside, sitting at the piano, was Tim. Eyes closed. Posture relaxed. Gently pressing the keys and humming along.

When Jason raised his camera to start recording, Tim stopped playing.

Duke looked to Jason, worried that Tim had noticed their presence and was now to shy to play, but Jason just held a finger to his lips and shook his head.

At the piano, Tim stretched his arms and cracked his knuckles before laying his left hand down on the keys, the other resting in his lap, completely relaxed, eyes fluttering closed, beginning to play.

Jason hit record.

“I’ve been thinkin bout my father lately, the person that he made me, the person I’ve become...” Tim sang.

Duke gaped, turning to Jason with wide eyes. Jason had something of a proud smirk on his face, and Duke slowly turned to Tim, accepting the fact that Tim was singing, something Duke was not at all used to.

There was something peaceful in the air today, Duke knew that. Unfortunately, he also knew that peace lead to chaos. He leaned against the doorway and closed his eyes, relishing in the gentle music and the peacefulness, something in him telling him that he was going to miss this moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Modern Loneliness](https://youtu.be/bDidwMxir4o)


	102. Modern Loneliness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter... :)

Tim had been working on figuring out how to play this song for the last three hours. The beginning was so easy..... and then it went downhill from there. But now he was pretty sure he had it down.

If anyone asked, he was playing this song because it was pretty and NOT because it resonated with his soul, thank you very much.

But yeah... this song seemed like it was designed to hit him in all the feels. The first lyrics immediately got him thinking about his dad— Jack, in this case. How his “parenting” had affected him. How his parents had been the first of many losses that led to him spirialing into depressive states on a weekly bases. Ha, yeah let’s not think about that right now...

The next lyrics came to him easy, “And I've been tryna fill all of this empty, but, fuck, I'm still so empty, and I could use some love.” It was easy to think about all of the ways he avoided his pain— Red Robin, Titans, Tik Tok— once again, he wasn’t sure why he was playing and singing this song when it made his throat clench, his eyes prickle with tears that won’t fall.

His voice was singing the notes, high and quiet...vulnerable. His eyes were closed as he played, trusting that his fingers would pick the right keys. Damian had been trained by professionals, but Tim had taught himself. Why? He wasn’t sure. Maybe it was just so the Drake Manor wouldn’t be so quiet all the time.

Quiet wasn’t bad. He heard quiet all the time. He liked silence. But sometimes silence is enough to make everything in his head way too loud, his crisscrossing and inter connecting thoughts would scream at him, and that’s when he’d figured out that sound was a great way to not go insane.

“La di da di da,” he sang, smiling over the words. These little notes felt so light hearted in comparison to the rest.

He continued with the song, having to hum a small portion of the lyrics because he actually didn’t remember what they were, before picking it back up with the good ole, “Modern loneliness, we’re never alone but always depressed—“

Tim felt that one.

He wondered what his family was doing right now..?

Or his friends? How was Kon’s hugging business going? He should ask tonight when they FaceTime...

Tim finished off the song and leaned back, opening his eyes and reaching forward to get the glass of water off the top of the piano. Yes, water, you heard him right. Jason (at least he was pretty sure it was Jason, though it could have been Dick) had left a note on the coffee maker telling Tim to ‘drink some water, dipshit’.

Rude.

But unfortunately when he’d taken that sticky note off and gotten a mug from the cabinet, he’d found another sticky note attached to his favorite mug saying, ‘I’ll sic Cass on you if you even fucking think about it.’

And yeah, Tim wasn’t dumb. He got water.

The water was nice though. He wasn’t exactly used to the taste of something that wasn’t bitter, so this was a nice twist.

He set the glass back down on the top of the piano and noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Leather. He turned quickly to see more, but whoever had been standing there was gone.

Unfortunately, there was only one person in this household who not only owns, but wears, a red leather jacket. Jason.

Tim scowled, how long had Jason been fucking standing there?

* * *

Comments:

“There’s something in his voice that makes the song hurt even more than usual D:”

“I’m not crying you are”

“Fuck rr are you okay?”

“I NEVER THOUGHT ID HEAR RR SING AND NOW I HAVE AND I AM BLESSED HOLY SHIT”

“LAUV + RED ROBIN = I AM NOW IMMORTAL WITH THE POWER OF THE AMOUNT OF LIFE THEY HAVE GIVEN ME”

“Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk”

“Petition to give RR a hug?”

“But the virussss”

“Yeah and this boi doesn’t have a spleen remember”

“Right, we’ll have Superboy do it then”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might not post tomorrow, idk tho, my air conditioning is being replaced but the people are coming to do said replacing at 4 in the morning and yeahhhh I think it makes sense why I MIGHT not post 
> 
> Heavy emphasis on the might


	103. Run

“AWWWW FUCK YEAH!”

Hearing those words in this household is never good. And coming from Dick Grayson’s mouth? Double not good.

So obviously Tim was worried.

He didn’t know what to expect to be honest. Options could range from Dick making a good bowl of cereal to there being an elephant in the living room. And with a range of possibilities that big, Tim was prepared for everything.

But when he ran into Dick skidding down the hallway on a pair of heely’s, a large box in his hands and a gleeful smile on his face, he immediately knew that something was going to go wrong.

So, Tim did the smart thing, and went back to his room. He packed a quick bag— just in case— and called Kon.

“Hey, bird boy.” Kon greeted.

“Kon. Dick’s about to do something stupid. I might need to crash at your place for a day or two.”

The hesitant silence was clear. “Uhm... I mean okay, but how do you—“

“It’s a feeling. When are my feelings ever wrong?”

More silence, “Good point.” There was some shuffling from the other side of the line. “I know that I can’t get sick or whatever, but should I disinfect the house for you or anything?”

Tim shrugged, stuffing his toothbrush and toothpaste into his bag. “I mean, probably. Bruce would like it.”

“Got it. One Clorox’d house coming right up.”

* * *

Tim was gone by the end of the hour. He didn’t tell anyone that he was leaving— though he did leave a note on Alfred’s door. He considered telling Jason, but if this feeling was wrong then he really didn’t want Jason to make fun of him.

............on the other hand....... if the feeling was right..... then Jason would be mad that Tim didn’t warn him......

Oops. Oh well.

* * *

Kon’s place was nice. He’d gotten an apartment for himself after deciding that maybe it would be smart to not live at the Titans Tower 24/7. Hmmmm, whoever would’ve thought of that?

In general, it was kinda bland. There were several rock posters in Kon’s room, but he kept the living room and kitchen mostly empty. The entire place smelled like Clorox disinfectant and fresh leather— a smell that Tim didn’t think existed until he met Kon. There was barely any decorations, and when Tim had asked, Kon had sheepishly rubbed his neck and said, “I don’t really know what to decorate with.”

Which is totally fair, especially coming from a guy who’s hero costume is a t-shirt 90% of the time.

Kon had greeted him with a massive smile and a rib crushing hug, because what else would Kon do? And then Tim had thrown his bag on the floor of Kon’s room and grabbed the extra controller.

Video game time.

* * *

The next two days were surprisingly normal. Tim was starting to think that he’d panicked over nothing. Don’t get him wrong though, he played video games with Kon most of the time but there was also that one point where Kon had (unironically?) challenged Tim to a dance battle. Tim had destroyed him thank you very much. It’s not that he was a good dancer, it’s just that he’d been living with Cass for the last two months and had picked up a few moves.

The Tik Toks coming from the Bats were normal. Cass has finished her dance— and holy fuck was it amazing, he’d have to ask Cass to dance it for him in person. Jason had somehow successfully made cookies from scratch while blindfolded. With no guidance. Damian, Duke, and Cass has played a game of Monopoly that ended with Damian threatening to kill Duke.

Overall, everything was normal.

The only thing keeping Tim here was the silence coming from Dick Grayson.

But then a Tik Tok went up that was only ten seconds long. Uncontrollable giggling was the only sound coming from the video, which was just a close in shot of... orbeez.

A bathtub full of orbeez.

“.....fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Please watch this](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjjrrGbysDqAhVETt8KHRuEDtQQwqsBMAB6BAgKEAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DkKKg5fzIKeE&usg=AOvVaw3w6EDE3i3PWdpG6qZWrhzF)


	104. Orbeez’d

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you think I wasn’t posting today because I’m like four hours behind schedule? Hmm, yeah so did I. But here I am.

Another video was posted about fifteen minutes later, and it was just Nightwing, in full costume, laying in the bathtub of orbeez, looking beyond happy.

Followed by: “Wait... how do I get rid of this?”

* * *

Comments:

“Oh god Nightwing no”

“DONT BE THE FRENCH GUY”

“DO NOT DRAIN THE TUB”

* * *

“Soooo, you guys told me not to drain the tub. And not to be the French guy? I tried to ask Red Robin what that last one meant but I can’t find him for the life of me—“ Nightwing begins. He has orbeez in his hair as he sits in the tub, looking very confused. “So... I still don’t know what to do with the orbeez.”

* * *

“You guys said not to vacuum them either? Why the... why would I vacuum the orbeez? First off there’s way to many of them second of *BEEP* would kill me for putting this stuff in the vacuum.”

* * *

“Ohmygod, I’ve been on stakeouts in January that are warmer than this—“ Nightwing said, rubbing at his arms. He looked directly at the camera. “Orbeez are cold.”

* * *

This time, Nightwing was out of the tub with a large bucket. “So... I’ve decided to just shovel these out bucket by bucket. One problem... I don’t know what to do with them after I have them in the bucket.”

* * *

It cut to Nightwing pouring a bucket of orbeez into Batman’s suit, giggling and whispering, “Holy orbeez Batman” before hurrying away.

* * *

“WHAT THE FUCK?” Red Hood yelled angrily, having opened the refrigerator only to have about 1,000 orbeez spill from it and onto his feet, soaking the socks he was wearing.

* * *

The camera faced Nightwing, who was in the bathroom again, a half full tub of orbeez behind him. A shit eating grin was on his face, “I’m so getting grounded after this.” He held up another bucket full of orbeez. “These are going in Signal’s toilet.” He set that bucket down and held up another. “And these, are going in Robin’s bed. He’s going to kill me—“

* * *

Comments:

“This is worse than the ducks, isn’t it?”

“Oh god, I thought RR’s pranking was bad”

“In ThE rEfRidGeRaToR? ReAlLy?”

“Omg Nightwing noooooooo”

“*starts panicking in french*”

“Holy orbeez batman im dying”

“Nightwing + orbeez is the worst combination but goddamn does he look good sitting in a tub of them with some in his hair”

“Imagine you’re batman and you go to suit up and you can’t because your suit is full of orbeez”

“NIGHTWING STOP NO ARE YOU TRYING TO GET BATMAN TO BREAK HIS NO KILLING RULE”

“More like is he trying to get RH and RR to team up against him jeeeeez”

* * *

Damian thought the ducks had been bad. But Grayson was taking this way too far.

The floor in front of Drake’s room had been completely covered in orbeez, and Damian just knew that Drake would have to leave his room at some point and that Drake would slip on the orbeez, probably break something, and then try at get back at Richard, which would only end in more suffering for the rest of them.

Not to mention that Father and Pennyworth were also being affected by the orbeez, and therefore weren’t available to catch Richard in the act. Or to stop him. Or even tell him off for pranking the entire house with orbeez. Even Cain and Thomas weren’t safe. 

But seriously? Orbeez on the floor? Low blow, even for Richard at the height of his stupidity.

Damian quickly scooped up the orbeez from the floor, well aware that he was partially helping Drake (this was for self benefit though), and then flushed them down the toilet, intending to get rid of them.

Little did he know, that was a bad, bad idea.


	105. The chaos continues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya know, I could’ve just made the orbeez situation one long chapter, but why would I do that when I could just make it several ~500 word chapters? 
> 
> Also, idk what a posting schedule is anymore

Cass had somehow convinced Duke to have him do her hair. Why him? He didn’t know. Maybe it was just bonding time, or maybe she was tired of her hair growing past the short length she usually kept it at.

“ _Can’t fight with hair in my face_ ,” She’d signed, before gesturing to the scissors on the bathroom counter. Which, seeing as she wears a cowl, doesn’t exactly make sense as an excuse. 

He’d raised an eyebrow and then asked, “And you need to hair dye to fight too?”

She shrugged, “Steph showed me pictures. I want to try it.”

Duke had sighed and gone along with it. He’d spent 20 minutes crying over a youtube “tutorial” that didn’t help at all, told Cass multiple times that she should’ve asked someone else to do this, had Cass tell him each time that he was the only one she trusted to not sling hair dye everywhere or cut of a massive section of her hair (which, okay, that one’s fair). Then he’d finally (maybe) figured out what the hell he was supposed to due to finding an angel on youtube by the name Brad Mondo, and then he’d gotten to work.

Maybe like an hour or two later (he didn’t know, he’d had to move his phone away after accidentally getting dye on the counter (thus putting him in a state of constant fear that his phone screen would be permanently dyed purple) and therefore couldn’t really check the time), the ends of her hair had been bleached and then dyed purple, washed and then he’d gotten the scissors and had trimmed her hair.

Cass was surprisingly calm throughout the entire ordeal despite Duke constantly muttering, “what the fuck what the fuck _what the fuck_.”

Upon drying her hair, Duke had looked at it and had that moment of, “ _Holy shit. This actually looks good. I didn’t fuck it up?!_ ”

And the smile Cass had given him was worth every moment of panic that he’d experienced. He touched her hair gingerly, where the shiny black faded down into vibrant purple, and then given him a big hug.

And that’s when he saw it.

“What is that?” He asked, pulling away from the hug despite the fact that it was a very nice hug and Cass’ hair smelled like Heaven itself, and stared at the sink.

In the sink, was...... orbeez?

Cass poked at them. “How did these get here?”

“I... I don’t know.” He said, before leaving the bathroom to get his phone from the table in Cass’ room. He pulled up tik tok, because if any weird shit was happening in this family, it would be documented on there, and...

“Oh no. Dick, what have you done?”

* * *

A tik tok went up, zooming in on a sink with orbeez in it. The camera flipped around to show Signal and Black Bat, in full suit, looking pissed off.

“What the shit, Nightwing?”

* * *

Comments:

“OOHHHHHHHHHHH”

“WE TOLD YOU NOT TO BE THE FRENCH GUY”

“SIG AND BB ARE MAD, NW IS SCREWED”

* * *

Okay, the orbeez in the fridge were one thing. Jason might even say they were kinda funny. He had no idea what to do with them, but they were funny. He’d eventually resigned to putting some in vases because he knew they could be used for flowers and stuff, and the rest in the trash. They’d dry up eventually, right?

But this was taking it too far.

Why the fuck were there orbeez in his toilet?

He flushed the toilet.

......only for it to overflow.

“Fuck fuck, shit, fuck—“ he darted away from the water now starting to flood his floor.

“ ** _BITCHARD_**!”


	106. Batman is Done TM

The next series of tik toks were chaos. It was just the Bats running around the house and panicking— Nightwing most of all. At some point he’d started cursing in French, much to the amusement of the viewers.

And no one had yet to notice that Red Robin was gone. Even Red Hood, who tends to see him the most, was too busy panicking over the fact that the plunger wasn’t doinga n y t h i n gto bother checking in on his little brother.

Which is probably for the best, because Red Robin was just chilling in Superboy’s apartment, currently playing a heated match of wii tennis.

* * *

“Nightwing,” Batman growled, and it wasn’t his usual growl either. No, this was the you’re-in-deep-shit growl.

He’d gathered the entire family, mostly because the orbeez were a problem, but also because group punishments were fun. Well. He said the entire family, but he hadn’t been able to find Tim. Alfred had calmly told him that he wouldn’t be finding Tim anytime soon anyways, but hadn’t explained further.

He’d look for Tim later.

“I’m not going to waste my time scolding you about the orbeez. It’s your mess. Clean it up. If I see another orbee—“ Mentally, Bruce paused. Orbee? Is that the singular form of orbeez? Outwardly though, he didn’t stutter at all. “—then you’re going to have much bigger consequences than missing patrol for the next week.”

Nightwing gaped, “—But— But I didn’t even put the orbeez into the pipes! I was told specifically not to be the French Guy!”

Bruce didn’t hesitate, “So, the orbeez magically got into the plumbing?”

Dick scratched the back of his neck, “Yeah.” He knew it wasn’t convincing at all.

“Actually Father—“ Robin interrupted. “That may be my fault. I flushed any orbeez I found down the toilet because I thought it would get rid of them.”

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. He wasn’t sure where Tim was exactly, but it had to be better than here. “In that case, the two of you can work on the plumbing. Everyone else can clean up the rest of the orbeez in the house. Dick, make a clear list of everywhere you put the orbeez. If this isn’t fixed by tomorrow afternoon, then there’s going to be hell to pay. For all of you. Get cleaning.”

Oh the fun of being a dad and getting to assign punishments at will.

“Uhm, old man?” Jason spoke up. Bruce resisted the urge to tell him that he’s not that old. “Where’s Tim?”

Bruce shrugged nonchalantly, “Avoiding his problems, most likely.” And with that he left.

* * *

“How long has he been gone?”

“Oh several days. Nearing a week now. He left before the orbeez even started appearing.” Alfred responded.

Bruce narrowed his eyes, “How did he know to leave?”

Alfred pulled a small note from his pocket, and Bruce automatically recognized Tim’s handwriting on it. “It says that he knew that Master Dick was going to do something stupid and decided to save himself.”

Bruce raised an eyebrow. Yeah, sounds a Tim thing.

“Of course, I didn’t notice anything wrong happening for a couple of days, so I thought that Master Tim was being paranoid again. I should’ve learned by now that Master Tim is typically right when it comes to these things.” Alfred folded the note away and put it back in his pocket. “I did question Master Dick on it, though. Everything seemed normal.”

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. Well. If Alfred hadn’t even noticed something wrong— which was damn near impossible— then he couldn’t punish Tim for being the only one to notice and therefore the only one to get out before all orbeez broke loose.

He nodded and thanked Alfred, to which Alfred happily reminded him that Tim was very intelligent— a fact that was being proved over and over again— and that Bruce should also eat something soon. Bruce had nodded, well aware that cucumber sandwiches would probably be down soon, and had sat down in his chair at the Batcomputer.

He pulled out his phone and texted Tim.

To: Tim

I assume you’ve been keeping up with the tik toks?

It took a few minutes for Tim to reply, but eventually his son sent a text back.

From: Tim

Yeahhhhh........

You’re not mad at me, right?

To: Tim

Only mad that you didn’t bring me with you

It was a bold statement, Bruce usually wouldn’t say anything beyond “no,” but there’s something about waking up to orbeez on your shower floor that breaks a man.

From: Tim

AHAHAHA sorry, Bruce

Come play Wii with me and kon

Bruce raised an eyebrow. Well, at least he knew where Tim was now.

Bruce didn’t reply to the text, instead setting his phone aside, because he was very tempted to take Tim up on his offer, and that would be the final catalyst in ruining his reputation as the Dark Knight Of Gotham.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anti-hero Tim [Chapter 8](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490672/chapters/61192180)


	107. Waffles in the Dark? It’s more likely than you’d think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *inspired by real life events

Bruce wasn’t sure what to do.

And no, for once he wasn’t talking about the orbeez.

This time, he was talking about the fact that there was definitely someone in the kitchen— at 3 AM— and he doesn’t know which one of his kids it is.

He’s ruled out Dick and Damian because they fell asleep directly after fixing the problem with the orbeez. It’s not Jason, who would usually be in the kitchen at 3 AM, because Jason is in the Cave trying to beat his record for push ups (Bruce hadn’t asked why he’d decided 3 AM was the best time for that, and Jason probably wouldn’t have told him anyways). Cass and Duke had been set for patrol and had come back and promptly fallen asleep in their respective rooms. And yes, Bruce had seen Cass’ hair. It looked nice.

So that was all of his children that were currently in the house.

Which meant that Tim had decided to come back and raid the kitchen. Right?

But that didn’t seem right because Tim had told Bruce that he’d come back “tomorrow” and unless Tim had decided to take tomorrow literally, as in anything after midnight is “tomorrow”, then Tim shouldn’t be here either.

Bruce should’ve gone to play Wii with Kon and Tim. He shouldn’t have to deal with whoever is scurrying around in the kitchen.

He approached the kitchen, hearing shuffling and packages crinkling from inside, and at that moment, decided, ‘I should video this.’

Oh no. He was succumbing to his children’s pressure. He was becoming a tik tok dad.

He pulled out his phone and clicked record, and walked into the kitchen and flipped on the light.

Standing in the kitchen was... Stephanie? Maybe? She had a purple hoodie on with the strings drawn all the way up, massive Elton John style yellow sunglasses that were bigger than her head by three inches on either side, and waffle mix all over her hands. Her gaze snapped up to meet Bruce’s, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

A really weird deer. Like, really, really weird.

Bruce didn’t even say anything. What could he say? How does he respond? He’s never felt such a weird mix of confusion, bewilderment, disappointment, and disgust before in his life. And yes, that includes when Tim rolled through the Watchtower on a skateboard, but doing a handstand on said skateboard, while drinking coffee from the mug on the skateboard through a straw and FaceTiming Kon about the correct way to jumpstart a car. Yes, the Justice League had been in a meeting. No, Bruce hadn’t said anything. He’d just kept talking about the mission plans and hoped that everyone would forget that moment. (They hadn’t forgotten).

But this? This was potentially worse that that. And that had been pretty bad.

Bruce supposed the main reason that Steph was currently beating Tim in the wtf-are-you-doing department is because she wasn’t supposed to be here. Tim was at least supposed to be in the Watchtower at that time. But Stephanie? Was not supposed to be here? At 3 AM?

Steph looked Bruce directly in the eye and Bruce knew in that moment that he didn’t want to hear whatever came next, “I came in through the window.” She said, and then grabbed the waffle off the waffle maker and stuffed the entire thing in her mouth, chewing slowly.

Bruce blinked.

He backed out of the room slowly, turning the light back off as he went.

* * *

Comments:

“Is that spoiler?”

“I mean, blonde hair, waffles, purple. Has to be, right?”

“Okay who was filming there? I just... i just want to know”

“Ah yes, I’ve found it. My spirit animal”

“ThRoUgH tHe WiNdOw?”

“I mean,,, are you really surprised?”

“I like how whoever is filming just... backed out of the room. Didn’t even say anything. They were just gone. Don’t want to deal with that shit today”

“Okay, so spoiler is here making waffles in Batman’s kitchen at 3 AM, but no one has seen RR for like a week straight now? Is he alive?”


	108. Tim’s back babyyyy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *screeches* 2000!
> 
> Anyways, in case you guys were wondering how I deal with writer’s block / not knowing what to do next in this story, my main ways to deal with it include:  
> -make a joke  
> -have someone do something stupid  
> -brotherly bonding

Tim coming back home was like a blessing for Jason. Sure, Tim did weird shit and was generally a human disaster, but he didn’t put THOUSANDS OF ORBEEZ INSIDE THE HOUSE FOR NO REASON! (He had a reason with the ducks, AND the ducks were gone before they became a problem for anyone else other than Damian).

So yeah, Tim was back, and now Jason had someone reasonable to hang out with.

Thing was with Tim, no one had seen him leave, and no one had seen him return. Jason had just been reading when he had that moment of, “Tim’s back.” To which he’d accidentally tossed his book halfway across the room (NOT in excitement, just so you know. Why would he be excited about Tim coming back?), and then booked it to Tim’s room, forgetting his knocking policy, to find the baby bird laying on the bed staring at the ceiling.

Jason didn’t question it. Existential crisis’ were a common thing in this family. Instead he just launched himself onto Tim’s bed, effectively crushing his brother.

“Oof, get off me!” Tim squawked out and Jason laughed, rolling to the side slowly, making sure his elbow dug into Tim’s ribs as he went. He never said he was a good brother. That was Dick’s job.

Tim spent the next several seconds pushing his hair out of his face and wowwwwww, that boy really needed a haircut. Jason thought his hair was getting bad, but Tim’s had been long as it was, now it was generally a disaster.

“You need a haircut, baby bird.” Jason said, and then looked at the ceiling where Tim had been staring... only to find a series of interconnected photos that looked like it was... yep, that was a homocide case. He gestured to the ceiling, “Also, what the fuck, Timothy?”

He couldn’t see Tim, but he knew that his brother was rolling his eyes. “We all need a haircut, Jay. And that’s the Byron case from last week.”

Jason didn’t know about any Byron’s, but he decided not to ask. “And you decided to put in on your ceiling?”

Tim shrugged, “Helps me think.”

Jason smiled slightly and dropped the subject. “How long have you been back, anyways?”

“Bout two hours.”

Jason didn’t understand this child at all. He was about to say something when he heard someone outside Tim’s door.

“You ever get a bus driver who drives like they’re running from God?” Steph asked, and Jason heard her footsteps pass the door before a response came.

“Yeah, and you’re just sitting there with your eyes wide, looking at everyone else in the bus thinking ‘wow, we’re gonna die.’” Duke replied, laughing at the joke.

“Exactly!” Steph exclaimed, but her voice was drowned out by the distance.

Tim and Jason looked at each other, both of them wearing the exact same expression— one eyebrow raised, lips curled into a smirk— before they busted out in laughter.

“What kind of a conversation is that?” Jason choked out.

“I don’t know,” Tim held in stomach in pain, trying to breathe, “All the buses aren’t working anyways.”

“What the fuck?” Jason managed out, his abs hurting more than they did after 100 cross sit ups.

After they managed to stop laughing— several failed attempts occurred in between due to looking at each other and immediately laughing again— silence filled the air. Unlike the way the air felt whenever he was around most other people in the family, silence with Tim was comfortable.

He nudged Tim’s arm with his, “Missed you.”

Tim raised an eyebrow at him, “Really?” He sounded genuinely surprised.

“Yeah, Golden Boy’s antics are too much to handle without you there to buffer. Besides, everyone else in this family eats on a regular basis. I didn’t have anyone to cook for.”

Tim huffed a laugh, “As if you noticed I was gone.”

Jason paused at that, Tim said it very light heartedly, but Jason couldn’t help but pick up on the implication. He decided not to point it out. “I mean, it took me a bit, I was mostly freaking out over the orbeez, but...” He let his sentence trail off, Tim got the point.

“Fair fair,” Tim conceded. “I mostly just played video games with Kon the entire time. And critiqued his decorating skills. You didn’t miss much.”

Jason held back the words he almost said which were ‘I missed you, though’ and instead opted for, “His decorating skills?”

“Oh yah, they’re horrid. Just as bad as his idea of a hero costume. Idiot.”

“Hey, hey, I seem to remember a time in which you dressed in show girl wings—“ He was cut off by Tim slapping a hand over his mouth.

“Finish that sentence and I’ll end you.”

Jason held his hands up in surrender, but didn’t even bother trying to hide his playful grin.

“My suit is much better now, thank you very much.”

Jason couldn’t disagree with that statement, “It is. Congratulations.”

“Besides, the wings were practical. Of course, my cape now is obviously much better, but the glider was helpful on more than one occasion.”

“Sure, sure. I think you were just trying to be more dramatic that Dickiebird.”

Tim scoffed, “As if I could ever hope to achieve that level of drama.”

“I think if you did, Dick would die of shame.”

“He so would.”

After that, the conversation trailed off once again, falling back into a pattern of quiet silence filled only by the sounds of breathing and the air conditioning running. Jason’s eyes fluttered closed, his lack of sleep from last night catching up to him.


	109. Tim stop please we’re begging you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep reading fanfiction instead of writing this one, I’m sorry
> 
> ALSO it’s July 19th! Happy Birthday to Timmy, the only one who’s birthday I remember because he’s my favorite

The majority of the Batfam was in the cave for once. And Tim, who had been gone for the last week, had to make up for the lost time.

Look, he wasn’t saying that his goal was to be as much of a little shit as possible, but like, his siblings can’t have all the glory.

So, upon entering the cave, Tim immediately sought out Jason, who was leaning against the some of the training equipment after working out, hair wet from dumping part of his water bottle on his face. Tim was wearing his mask so that he could use the suit’s footage as he acted out possibl the best joke he’d come up with since quarantine began.

“Hey, Red,” he started, holding out a plate with one bun on it and two hotdogs on top of it. He smirked, looking Jason directly in the eye as Jason warily held out his hand to take the plate from him. “Eat this... I double dog dare you.”

Jason’s expression immediately changed from confusion to annoyance mixed with sheer rage as he took the plate completely from Tim’s hands and then chucked the food at Tim’s head.

Tim would like to say that it’s because of his amazing training that he dodged the flying hot dogs. But no. It’s because there was water on the floor from Jason’s previous attempt to cool off and... well you know, CAUTION: Slippery When Wet!

Yeah, a sign would have been nice.

So that’s how Tim dodged the flying double dog dare— by slipping on water and falling directly on his ass.

Didn’t stop him from cackling manically though.

* * *

“Nightwing, Nightwing, hey, Nightwing—“

“What Red Robin?” Nightwing asked, looking up from where he was experimenting with some chemicals. Probably still working on the Fear Toxin antidote, or trying to improve on what Batman already had. Speaking of Batman, he was nearby, back turned to them, but easily within frame.

“Why can’t orphans play baseball?” Tim asked, trying to keep the smirk out of his voice.

Nightwing’s shoulders tensed and he looked at his younger brother with an expression that screamed ‘I am already done with this shit and I haven’t even heard the rest of the joke.’ “I don’t know. Why can’t they play baseball?”

“Because—“ Tim snorted lightly, and tried to keep himself from laughing long enough to finish the joke. “Because they don’t know where home is.”

Nightwing set the container he was holding down on the table loud enough for it to clearly have been a set down of annoyance. Tim’s brain ignored the five separate puns he came up with after that in favor of noticing the way Batman’s shoulders had tensed and—

“HAHAHAHAHA!” Batman cackled, shoulders shaking, head thrown back in a pure glee, entirely unable to hold back his laughter. “ _HAHAHAHA!”_ He stood up, cackling as he left the room, obviously trying to keep in tact what little pride he had left.

* * *

Comments:

“UPDATE: RED ROBIN IS A LITTLE SHIT CONFIRMED”

“So I never thought I’d say that RR reminds me of Hawks from bnha, but here I am”

“I double dog dare you was such a dumb but ingenious pun and I hate it”

“RH’s face... I couldn’t even see half of it because of his mask, but like,,,, mood.”

“RED ROBIN IS BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER WHOOOOOP”

“IS NO ONE GONNA TALK ABOUT BATMAN LAUGHING”

“IKR I DIDN’T THINK HE WAS CAPABLE OF IT”

“BATLAUGHTER”

“HE SOUNDED LIKE AN ANGEL OMG I THOUGHT RR AND RH’S LAUGHS WERE HOT BUT NOW IM THIRSTING OVER THE GODDAMN BATMAN???? _HELP????_ ”

“something in Nightwing’s stance just screams ‘I wish you were still hiding from the internet’”

“Yeahhhhhh”

“RR almost got double dogged right in the fucking face”

“But alas, even the best of heroes succumb to water on the floor”

“Is no one??? Gonna mention???? How hot RH looks??? At any given time???”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been saving that bad orphan joke for months guys, months  
> [The og](https://vm.tiktok.com/tXBHq7/)


	110. Bitchard? Nightbitch? I see no difference

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some days I’ll put my fingers on the keys and I’m like “ah yes, this is where I belong” and then other days I stare down at the letters and I’m like “wtf am I even doing”

Patrol with Dick Grayson was always something else. Sometimes patrol was serious— they were fully into the role of vigilantes, saving people and beating down criminals with speed and accuracy that only people trained by the Bat could manage. That is, until Nightwing cracked a pun or started flirting with the closest person to him. And no, it’s not always romantic or sexual flirting. Sometimes it’s just the way Nightwing talks. Which meant that no, not even Batman, Red Hood, Batwoman, or Commissioner Gordon we’re immune. Everyone would be on the receiving end of Nightwing’s flirting skills at some point. Worst part is, half of the lines weren’t even that bad.

Sometimes though, the man dropped his intensity entirely and bought ice cream to eat as he patrolled, or would Snapchat his friends stupid selfies with broccoli filters on.

Other times, you get this Dick Grayson. An unfortunate mix of both worlds.

“Excuse me! Sir! Señor! Monsieur? Domn? Herr? Could you please por favor stop running?!” Nightwing called after the currently escaping criminal, while simultaneously deciding, ah yes, this is the perfect time to do a cartwheel.

Jason rolled his eyes and whipped out his gun, shooting the criminal in the ankle, the man crumpling to the ground immediately. Nightwing frowned at him— probably because he’d used the gun that had real bullets and not rubber ones— before going to properly apprehend the thief.

Jason happily returned the stolen items to the woman— not bothering to ask why she was out at this hour much less during a citywide lockdown— because he didn’t give two shits, people can do whatever they want— and then turned to Nightwing, who was currently flirting. Again.

“Alright Nightbitch, lets get moving, I saw someone looking suspicious by the docks.”

Nightwing smirked and saluted to the criminal, “Well, gotta listen to the Big Bad Hood. Police’ll be here soon buddy, just hang tight till they do.”

And with that, the pair of them disappeared.

* * *

Drug deal. Well, at least he wasn’t wrong about the suspicious part.

Jason hates drug dealers. Mostly ones that deal to children. But still. The point still stands.

The fight was going about as expected: the criminals were completely outmatched. Jason shot one of them in the shoulder (rubber bullets this time), Nightwing electrocuted another with his escrima sticks, Red Hood kicked a guy into a pole, Nightwing rolled a guy over his back as he came charging head first at him—

_Splash_.

Jason paused. He raised an eyebrow at Nightwing, despite knowing that the helmet would hide his expression.

Nightwing looked over the edge to where he’d accidentally thrown the criminal into the waters below. “Splish splash he’s takin’ a bath—“

Jason rolled his eyes, shot the remaining guy with another rubber bullet and then walked to where Nightwing was still leaning over the edge of the dock to see the criminal swimming around. “Hey!” Jason called down. “Let me know if you find a paddle board!”

* * *

Comments:

“The paddle board!”

“Some say it’s still out there, looking for unsuspecting swimmers”

“Paddle board is the new cryptid of gotham”

“So we’ve got the paddle boards that include Kid Flash running through the desert and the Paddle Board”

“Wow. Nightwing brain is really just one giant shitpost isn’t it”

“Damnnnn. How many languages does NW know???”

“He probably only knows a select few phrases just to mess with people lol”

“Considering this family they’re probably all fluent in everything”

“Nightwing is me except I think in viiiiines”

“So ur Red Robin then”

“I just... love these two”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter Nine of Anti-Hero Tim!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490672/chapters/59114389) (This time with Angst)


	111. Idk a chapter I guess 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk if you guys have noticed, but I’ve switched to an every other day update schedule just cause that’s a bit easier for me, but also because the end of this fic draws near and I sorta want to drag it on for as long as possible...

Tim was relaxing inside, listening to Jason read “All the Bright Places” aloud while working on the coding for his new app, enjoying the air conditioning and general calmness of the day.

That is. He was enjoying it. Until Steph marched into the room and exclaimed, “Can someone explain why it’s hot as balls outside?”

To which Tim glanced up at her and said, “Summer.”

To which she scowled and replied, “Fuck that.” And then left.

Jason kept reading.

* * *

Duke, Damian, and Dick were in the backyard, kicking a soccer ball around while heatedly arguing about Harry Potter.

Cass was ignoring them. Well, trying to.

She focused on digging out a small hole in the ground for the flower she was currently trying to plant, as Dick yelled behind her, “THE CURSED CHILD FUCKING SUCKED!” And then kicked the soccer ball into the side of the house hard enough that Cass was fairly certain Dad would hear and probably have a mental breakdown.

She wouldn’t blame him.

It sounded like Duke kicked the ball next, probably to Damian, while saying, “Are we not going to talk about the shitty names Harry gave his children like,,, Albus Severus? First off, no one should ever be subjected to live a life with the name Albus. Second off, Dumbledore and Snape both sucked ass, and Harry should’ve named his kid after someone decent like... I don’t know _REMUS_ PERHAPS! Or maybe FRED?”

“ _EXACTLY_!”

They were not easy to ignore.

“If the names are your biggest qualm with the book then you really need to reconsider your tastes in literature, Thomas.” Damian said.

“Of course their names aren’t my biggest problem with it— the entire thing sucked— I’m just saying that I really hate their names. Lily Luna was acceptable but I still hate it. Why can’t people give their children unique names?”

“Are we not going to talk about how it contradicted several of the ‘laws’ that were already in place, like, time turners don’t fucking work that way!”

Cass shook her head and put a bit more effort into tuning them out. She honestly didn’t even have any context for what they were arguing about, seeing as Harry Potter was a bit too much English for her.

She finished planting that flower, and smiled at the pretty yellow of its petals, before scooting over to dig the next hole for the next flower.

* * *

Bruce didn’t even know when Stephanie was and wasn’t here anymore. She would just... show up, and there was nothing he could do about it. Was the teenage girl currently taking all of the popsicles from the freezer currently? Probably. Was he going to do anything about it? Nope.

Instead, he just buried his face deeper into his pillow and hoped that sleep would take him so he doesn’t have to head Dick’s angry ranting from outside, or Tim and Jason crying from the other room, or the hip hop music that was suddenly blaring from the kitchen—

Yeahhhh, he’s not getting any sleep anytime soon, is he?

* * *

“Hey, hey, Reds, hey,” Nightwing said to where Tim was currently trying to do pushups with Jason sitting on his back. Key word— trying. Honestly, Tim wasn’t doing that bad, but... it’s Jason, even Bruce has difficulty lifting Jason.

Jason, who was still reading the book aloud, and Dick did not want to know why they were both crying occasionally—

“What would you guys think of doing a little... Q&A?”


	112. Q&A Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, this chapter was supposed to be double the length but then I read fanfic instead of writing and yeahhhhh... sorry about that... but I think there’s enough chaos in this chapter to hold you over :)

“Hello!” Nightwing greeted, looking at the camera he was holding excitedly. Behind him, Red Hood and Black Bat were sitting in two chairs, side by side, with Black Bat leaning on Red Hood’s shoulder, eyes closed. To anyone else, she probably looked like she was asleep, but the Bats knew better. Red Robin was sprawled across their laps, actually asleep. Red Hood was perfectly awake and glaring at the back of Nightwing’s head. Not angrily... just, glaring. Off to the side, Signal, Spoiler, and Robin were all tossing a dog toy between them in what seemed to be a game of monkey in the middle in which the dog was in the middle.

Nightwing was not fazed by any of this. “So we’ve decided to do a quick little Q&A sesh for you guys. We’re obviously not going to answer anything personal and the questions we choose will be completely up to our discretion, and there’s a lot of you out there so chances are we won’t answer everything. Try to aim your questions to a specific one of us, it’ll be easier.” And with that, he gave a blinding smile and a cute little wave, before posting the video.

* * *

It had been decided that they’d each answer 5 questions per person, and each set would be a tik tok. It wasn’t a lot of questions, but it would be way easier. Also, Dick had somehow convinced Alfred to film.

The first set went to Nightwing, as the oldest.

“Okayyyyy, first question. For me... What’s the most complex acrobatic move you can do? Can you demonstrate it?”

Nightwing smiled before looking up at the camera and saying, “No I cannot. But I can do a few handsprings for you!” He excitedly flipped backwards across the floor, giving him enough room to do five consecutive handsprings before stopping with a grin and a thumbs up.

The video cut to where he was standing in front of the camera again.“Second question: You’re the oldest right? Do you have a favorite sibling?” He paused, and then turned. The camera turned with his gaze to show where Red Hood was currently dragging an unconscious Red Robin across the floor to what looked like a giant pile of whipped cream. It panned back to the front. “Uhhh well I love all of my siblings equally... though Black Bat and Robin might be my favorites I guess? Black Bat is just amazing, plus she’s my only sister. And I suppose Robin is more like a son for me than a sibling, I basically raised him, but still...” The camera turned back to where Signal and Black Bat were currently spinning around in circles, each with blindfolds on their faces and baseball bats in hand. There was no piñata. It turned back to the front, where Nightwing looked kinda done. “You know. I wish this was a bit. I wish. But no. This is just this family.”

The video cut again as Nightwing read out the third question, “Orbeez?”

He winced. “Yeah. Got some plumbing experience from it. Should be good if I need to go undercover as a plumber or something. Next.”

“Fourth question, if there was a Nightwing’s Most Iconic Moments Compilation, what would you want to be on it?” Nightwing hummed, scratching his head. “Well I think the orbeez. As shameful as that is. Definitely my acrobatics videos, just cuz. The patrols... honestly I feel like basically every video of me could go on a compilation video. Also, do those exist? Where? Do you guys really love me that much?”

From the side, Robin yelled, “Don’t fuel his ego.”

Nightwing gasped, a hand on his chest in mock offense. “My ego? What about yours, Mr Blood Son?”

Robin tsked and went back to petting the dog from earlier, ignoring the question. Nightwing sighed and shook his head fondly before returning his focus to the camera. “Let’s move on?”

“Last question. FMK: Starfire, Superman, Batgirl.”

Nightwing looked at the camera, something akin to panic on his face. “Uhhhhhhhh......... I shouldn’t have let the others choose the questions. Fuck. Everything was so reasonable—“

The video cut again to Nightwing laying on the floor, looking like he was having a mental breakdown. “I can’t KILL Superman— but, I was literally in a relationship with Starfire and Batgirl, I can’t kill them either— fuck, oh gosh, this is a lose lose situation ohmigod— ah— my inner Superman fanboy is gonna kill me— but will [BEEP] or [BEEP] kill me before that—“

It cut to Nightwing, hunched over in a chair, head in his hands. “Fuck Starfire, already done that anyways, Marry Batgirl because she’s great but also because I have no other choice, I live with the woman half the time, and that makes me have to kill... Superman—“ he sounded broken as he said it.

The video cut. The end.

* * *

Comments:

“Idk why I thought the Q&A would be a normal video. I should have known.”

“The slow progression of Red Robin being passed out in various places is hilarious to me”

“WhAt dOeS hE mEaN hE LiVeS WiTh BaTgIrL sHeS bEeN MIA fOr yEaRs?!”

“Why couldn’t be do the acrobatic move for us???? ☹️☹️☹️”

“Maybe it’s like a rare thing?”

“This video may have been to answer our questions but truth is I just have more questions. So many more. Wtf is happening?”

“Nightwing having a mental breakdown over having to kill Superman in a game is honestly such a Mood”

“I want to know which one of his siblings put the Orbeez question into the list of questions NW had to answer. Obvi not RR since he’s out. Maybe Spoils?”

“I don’t think Spoiler is part of the fam”

“She is in my heart”


	113. Q&A Part Two

“Alright, let’s just get this over with—“ Red Hood began his Q&A. His helmet was on this time, making it impossible to see his expression. Good news though: Red Hood’s voice was pretty good at portraying his facial expressions for him. “—First question: Did you really die?”

He stared at the camera. “Really? We’re going with that right off the bat? _Wowwww_ I know who fucking picked this question—“ He glared off to the side, but the camera didn’t move to show who he was glaring at. When his focus returned, Red Hood sighed. “Yes. I died. It was very traumatic. Lots of torture and explosions were involved. But I’m back now to forever be the family disappointment.”

Snickering could be heard from the side but Red Hood paid it no mind. “Second question: Can you sing a song for us?”

He paused. “Seriously? I can shoot several moving targets with deadly accuracy while blindfolded and you guys want me to fucking sing?” He huffed, throwing his hands up. “Fucking fine. I’ll sing you a goddamn song.”

The video cut to Red Hood sitting at a piano, still decked out in his Red Hood suit, minus the gloves. He played a few notes before beginning to sing. “ _Say you're sorry; That face of an angel; Comes out just when you need it to; As I paced back and forth all this time; 'Cause I honestly believed in you._ ” Instead of singing the next lyrics he paused and looked at the camera, “Yeah this is Taylor Swift. What are you gonna do about it?” The video cut forward, obviously cutting out parts of the song to save time.

Red Hood was singing higher than he usually does, switching out his baritone for alto, something that caught literally everyone off guard. “ _I was a dreamer before you went and let me down; Now it's too late for you; And your white horse, to come around; Maybe I was naive; Got lost in your eyes; And never really had a chance; My mistake I didn't know to be in love; You had to fight to have the upper hand; I had so many dreams; About you and me; Happy endings; Now I know..._ ”

The only indicator that he picked this song for a reason was, if you listened, you could hear the way his control over his voice would loosen, how his voice would drop deeper at some lyrics or how it’d get harsher at others.

“ _And there you are on your knees; Begging for forgiveness, begging for me_ ,” His voice was harsher than it had been before— angry almost, before it faded into something soft and broken. “ _Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry..._ ”

He finished up the song and then the video cut back to him standing in the Cave. “Alright now that we’re done with the bullshit, let’s continue. Question numero tres: Any book recommendations?”

If the helmet hadn’t been on, people would’ve seen Hood’s gaze light up in glee. “Yeah actually! Been reading a book called ‘ _All the Bright Places_ ’ with Red Robin, and it’s soooo amazing. Been also considering reading some mangas, but those aren’t exactly books. Uhm.... _On the Come Up_ — it’s written by the same author as _The Hate U Give_ , totally worth it. _The Opposite of Always_ was good too, and...” Red Hood went on, listing several more books before Nightwing yelled from off screen.

“Hey! Hood! Tune down the literature nerd! You have other questions to answer!”

“Oh. Right. Sorry. Question four: If you could apply a vine to your life, what would it be?”

Without missing a beat, Red Hood looked directly at the camera, something about his gaze looking like it had been a mistake to ask that. “What up, I’m Red Hood, I’m 19, and I never fucking learned how to reciprocate emotions or maintain healthy relationships.”

The video cut one last time. “And last question... FMK Batman, Red Robin, Arsenal.” He paused. “Seriously? Not even hard. Fuck Arsenal, Kill Batman, Marry Red Robin. Why would I marry my brother? Because I know he won’t make it weird and also because we’re already— unofficially, I think— married after we had to improvise a bit in an undercover mission—“

“— _ **WHAT?**_ ”

The video ended.

* * *

Comments:

“WAIT WHAT THE FUCK”

“YOU CAN’T JUST END A VIDEO LIKE THAT WTFFFF”

“THIS VIDEO WAS AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER FROM START TO FINISH”

“You know, RH’s singing was so wonderful, then he turned around and hit me with I’m Jared I’m 19 and then said that he and rr were married???”

“hE’s NiNeTeEn?”

“Me, in the book recs section: *furiously writing down notes*”

“May I ask who he was singing that to? Because there was no way that song wasn’t meant for someone”

“He might be the family disappointment but goddamn this tik tok did not disappoint”

“The simultaneous yelling from all of his family members at the end was like therapy for my soul”

“The question is: does rr know they’re maybe unofficially married?”

“I mean,,,, he is the world’s greatest detective, so probably”

“Imagine he didn’t know tho. Like, that would be the shock of a lifetime”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [White Horse](https://youtu.be/D1Xr-JFLxik)


	114. Q&A Part Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, just chilling, doing my thing, telling my parents about how my friend stepped on a piece of glass and had to get 18 stitches, maybe eating a chocolate muffin for breakfast, sees a post about writing— OH SHIT THE CHAPTER ITS UPDATE DAY—

The video opened with Red Robin trying to lick a spot of whip cream off his elbow while Nightwing fussed over the whip cream in the boy’s hair and Signal toweled off Red Robin’s back.

Red Robin somehow managed to get to the whip cream he’d been reaching for, and smiled in a way that was way too cute to handle before shooing his siblings off. His suit still had a good amount of white fluff on it, but Red Robin didn’t seem to care.

“Alright, first off, before I even answer questions you guys asked: Red Hood and I were on an undercover mission together and our cover almost got blown and in a state of panic I told the people that we were engaged, which led to them setting up a wedding for us, which led to me and Hood actually having to go through with it, which led to many many inside jokes. There was never any paperwork or a person to officiate the marriage though so it’s unofficial. No I will not explain the context in which us being engaged saved our cover story— it’s too weird, even for me. So...”

He looked down at the questions, frowning at the first one. Instead of reading it, he took the opportunity to lick more whip cream off his suit. “Question one... you and Robin fight a lot, why?”

He looked at the camera with an expression that screamed _I’m-dead-inside_. “At first, he was the only one doing the fighting. After a while, I got fed up with letting a ten year old boss me around. Now I fight with him because it’s a hobby. Or he’s just a demon child who deserves to get punched in the face. I would say that quarantine has brought us closer together but...” he trailed off as he looked off to the side. The camera panned over to show Robin sitting with Red Hood and Nightwing, his middle finger raised.

The video cut. “Anyways, question two.” Red Robin looked considerably different... less whip cream on him, hair more disheveled, a slight bruise on his jaw. In the background, Robin could be seen holding an ice pack to his face while Nightwing wrapped an ice pack around his torso. “What’s a weird fact about you? Uhhhh...”

He considered it for a bit, the camera zooming in slowly on his face. “Well, I’ve been told that I talk in my sleep. Only sometimes though, like when I’ve gotten a decent amount of sleep beforehand and it’s just a light sleep—“

“You say the creepiest shit, coffeehead.” Red Hood added from the side.

Red Robin blushed, rubbing the back of his neck, “Sorry...”

“One time, he sat bolt upright in the bed and said ‘they are coming... oh no, they’re here’ and then passed right back out. I didn’t sleep for days after that.” Nightwing piped up from the background.

“Not to mention that time he slept walked into Batman’s bedroom and stood at the foot of his bed and stared at him for two hours, unblinking, before going back to his room. Pretty sure that B locks his door at night now.” Signal added, walking by with a bowl of soup in hand.

Red Robin looked incredibly embarrassed. “Next—“

“Question three: were you the type of kid that got straight a’s in school or the type that failed every class?”

He smirked, “I’m the type of kid that showed up to finals with a half eaten Milky Way and a purple crayon and then aced the test in fifteen minutes and skateboarded out of the room.”

“Please tell me you didn’t actually do that.” Spoiler begged from the side.

Red Robin winked at the camera.

The scene cut, “Question four, showgirl wings?”

He scowled at the camera.

“ _And_ last question— wow, we’re really on a trend here aren’t we?—FMK Superboy, Red Hood, and *insert favorite character*”

He paused, humming. “Interesting. Targeting my best friend, my favorite brother, and my favorite character. Well aware that I have to kill one of them. Well jokes on you, I’m killing Red Hood—“

“ _WHAT_? I MARRIED YOU! AND THIS IS HOW YOU’RE GOING TO REPAY ME?” Red Hood screeched from the side.

Red Robin hummed, nodding. “Yeah, you deserve it anyways. Besides, you would have killed me without hesitation if Wonder Woman had been the option instead of Batman. Anyways, I guess I’m gonna have to marry Superboy which—“ He made a disgusted gagging face. “That means I have to deal with his shitty decorating skills and lack of a proper hero costume for the rest of my days— UNLESS I divorce him.” Red Robin laughed. “Yes,,, _YES_ , I’ll divorce him after he catches me cheating on him with my favorite character, whom I am choosing to fuck.”

Red Robin nodded, looking satisfied. “Now the only question left is who’s my favorite character, because I can’t choose between Percy Jackson and Momo Yaoyorozu and it’s a problem—“

* * *

Comments:

“Okay I was already in love with RR and watching him wink at the camera like that while also covered slightly in whip cream??? Jesus I’m more whipped than the whip cream”

“*catch me playing that wink on repeat*”

“There’s nothing I want to see more than Red Robin taking a test with a purple crayon”

“RR immediately killing RH with no hesitation and saying that he deserves it anyways was the best moment of my life”

“Okay, Percy and Yaoyorozu are two VERY different characters and I want to know the thought process involved in picking each one as a favorite”

“Probably like, Percy = funny and smart. Momo = Smart and adorable.”

“Okay yeah that’s fair.”

“Is no one going to talk about the fact that RR obviously clocked Robin in the jaw off camera orrr???”

“The lack of response on the showgirl wings thooooo”

“With this new information about RR I can only assume that he has held entire conversations with his family while asleep and they didn’t even notice”

“New conspiracy theory: RR is never awake. Everything he does is just him sleepwalking or sleep talking. He’s been asleep since he took the Robin mantle”

“Hey. Don’t call it a conspiracy theory when it’s obviously true.”

“Red Robin panicking and saying that him and RH were engaged is the funniest shit to me”

“How the hell does a sleep deprived man covered in whip cream who has a clear bruise on his face look so good? Hmm? Someone explain.”

“It’s called floppy hair”

“Valid point. Thank you for your input.”


	115. Q&A Part Four

“Question one: favorite sibling?” Robin read out, still holding an ice pack to his jaw. “Nightwing, clearly.” He answered, the question not hesitating at all, and apparently not feeling that his answer needed any elaboration.

“Question two: how do you feel about having pants on your suit?” Robin read out. Out of view of the camera, there was obvious snickering coming from his siblings. “I think that finally adding pants to the suit was the only reasonable decision that Red Robin has ever made in his life. I’m glad to have the pants, it snows in Gotham, and I at least won’t be getting hypothermia due to only having scaly panties covering my legs.”

There was a clear snort from where Red Robin was walking by with a cup of coffee in his hand. The whip cream seemed to be all gone... maybe...

“I feel like I need to explain—“ Nightwing cut in.

“There is no excuse that you could possibly come up with that would justify your design choices.” Robin replied, gaze defiant, smirk clear.

Nightwing deflated, shoulders hunching.

“And you—“ Robin said, turning to Red Hood, who was lounging with one leg over the side of the chair, helmet off. “Why in the world would you continue to wear those god awful panties?”

Red Hood looked up, a cocky grin on his face, “I thought they looked fucking fantabulous.”

Robin scowled. “Let’s move on. Question three: If you had to give up all of your pets except one, which one would you keep?”

He glared harshly up at the camera, “Bold of you to ever assume that I would get rid of my pets. The answer is all of them. I would keep all of them.”

“That’s not—“ Nightwing tried to protest. In the background, Red Robin was walking back to his seat at the computer, a fresh cup of coffee in hand. “That doesn’t answer the question, Robin.”

“Of course it does. Next—“

He looked down at the question and made a face of pure horror and disgust. “Who the fuck put this question in?”

“—LANGUAGE!” Nightwing exclaimed.

Robin ignored him. “Red Robin...” He decided to growl out instead.

“What?” Red Robin looked up from where he had been intensely staring at his coffee.

“Did you choose the fourth question?”

“...Maybe? What is it?”

“Ducks?”

“HA!” Red Robin barked out a laugh. “Oh my god, no I didn’t but—“ he doubled over laughing, coffee spilling onto the ground.

“I know you did—“

“I didn’t, I swear. I chose the scaly panties one.” Red Robin continued, having to sit down on the ground because he was laughing so hard.

Robin growled. “If you didn’t pick it, then who did?”

“I don’t— I don’t know. But whoever did is a fucking genius.”

Robin growled and turned back to the camera, “Question five— FMK.” He sighed. “I’m certainly not old enough to sleep with or marry anyone, but I will play along I suppose.”

In the background, out of sight of Robin, Signal had approached Red Robin, and pointed to himself, saying something quietly. Red Robin only started laughing harder.

Robin scowled at the commotion from behind him. “The options are: Spoiler, Red Robin, and Raven.” He hummed. “These are horrible options.”

Behind him, Red Robin had raised a hand for a high five, which Signal gladly returned.

“I suppose that I will kill Red Robin, simply because I refuse to marry him or screw him. That and I have already tried killing him multiple times and it hasn’t worked yet, so he must be immune to my attacks. That leaves Spoiler and Raven, both of which I would rather just leave alone.” He huffed. “Why couldn’t you have chosen people I actually like? I will marry Raven. You know what the final option leaves me with.”

He turned around, “Why the hell are you still laughing?”

Red Robin and Signal were currently laying in a puddle of coffee, barely breathing. Red Robin pointed weakly to Signal, trying to speak but failing.

Robin seemed to immediately understand. “You?” He snarled, lunging for the other boy.“I thought you were better than that, Signal—“

* * *

Comments:

“DUCKS”

“Signal is fucking amazing omg”

“Robin’s reluctance to answer all of these questions gives me life”

“I see that Nightwing is channeling his inner Steve Rogers”

“The two Robins joining forces to roast the scaly panties is the best thing that I’ve ever seen”

“Idk man, seeing RR and Sig rolling on the floor in laughter for the last half of the video was pretty great too”

“Point taken”

“We all knew that NW was R’s fav and yet I still died when he didn’t even hesitate to pick a fav.”

“RR and Signal laughing was beautiful but honestly, RH’s grin is what truly killed me. Can I get that frame don my wall please? Just... damn.”

“‘It hasn’t worked yet’ omg robin noooo”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not saying that I need to hear Exile by Taylor Swift and Bon Iver sung by Jason and Steph but that is exactly what I’m saying


	116. Q&A Part Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk if this is a good chapter or not tbh, it’s certainly not as funny as the rest, but it’s update day so...

The video opened with Black Bat and Red Hood standing together in the frame. Black Bat handed a phone to Red Hood for him to read off of.

“ _You don’t speak much, why?_ ” Red Hood read aloud, having tucked the phone into a pocket so he could sign the question as he spoke.

Black Bat shifted her weight back onto one foot, “I was raised not knowing language. Instead, I read body language. I am just now starting to learn how to speak and read in English.” She responded carefully, occasionally signing some of the words. “Sign language is much easier.” She added.

Red Hood nodded and looked at the phone again. “ _Who is your favorite sibling?_ ”

Black Bat shook her head. “I do not have one. They are all idiots. I love them though.”

Red Hood laughed. “Okay,” he held up three fingers to indicate question three. “ _Can you show us some dance moves?”_

If Black Bat’s face was visible, she would have been smiling. She stepped back and performed a few graceful dance moves, even pirouetting to add some drama. She ended with a bow and then bounced back over to Red Hood’s side, obviously happy to have gotten that question.

Hood held up four fingers, “ _Are you aware that everyone who watches the tik toks that have you in it are in awe of how amazing you are? Because we all love you very much._ ”

Once again, the cowl made it impossible to see Black Bat’s expression, but the bow of her head and hesitant way she lifted her hand to her mouth and then brought it down in a bashful “ _thank you_ ” was more than enough to tell that she was blushing.

Red Hood chuckled and nudged her arm, making her look up at him.

He didn’t speak aloud what he signed, but it had Black Bat turning away slightly before rushing into Hood’s chest and giving him a hug.

The video cut to Hood holding up all five fingers. “ _FMK_ ,” he signed out. “ _Bruce Wayne (the billionaire), Superboy, Spoiler_.” There was something akin to humor in his tone, like he was trying not to laugh.

Black Bat crossed her arms, “Wayne is too old for me,” she decided after a moment. “Kill him.”

There was laughter from the side, the camera panned to show Spoiler sitting at a table with Batman and Red Robin, playing a board game (?). “ _You sure about that?_ ” Spoiler asked, signing and speaking at the same time. “ _You wouldn’t want a sugar daddy?_ ”

If anyone noticed Batman’s tense shoulders, they didn’t comment.

Black Bat seemed to consider it. “I was going to marry Spoiler.” She said, turning back to the camera. “But I have changed my mind. Spoiler dies. I will marry Wayne and fuck Superboy.”

Spoiler made an offended sound, “wait— that’s not—“

Meanwhile, the two Reds were losing their minds.

Black Bat hummed, “Yes. I think that’s a better decision. Spoiler is rude.”

The video ended when Red Hood stumbled in his laughter, bumped into the person holding the camera, and the camera fell.

* * *

Comments:

“OOOOHHHHH”

“Secret savage black bat”

“Okay the sign language in the tik tok to help BB understand everything is giving me life”

“Ikr its so pure”

“This tiktok is so sweet omg I’m gonna get a cavity”

“Black Bat is better than us all”

“For people who can’t read sign language, in the part where RH didn’t translate for us, he said ‘they’re not the only ones who love you. You’re everyone’s favorite sibling, definitely the best of us.’”

“AWEEEEEEEEE”

“Black bat deciding to kill spoiler because of one (1) comment was the highlight of my day”

“ONCE AGAIN WITH THE RED’S LAUGHTER I CAN’T HANDLE IT OMGGG”


	117. Q&A Part Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me typing the chapter title was a struggle cause I forgot how many of these I’d done. Anyways, here’s our best boi Duke

Signal stood in front of the camera, looking kinda nervous, which was fair seeing as the last few rounds of this had gone a bit off the rails.

“Okay... uh, question one. Aren’t you usually the daytime protector of Gotham?”

He blinked. “Well yeah, but this corona stuff is changing things up a bit. Less people out during the day, so I’m mostly patrolling with the other Bats at night. I have gone out a few times during the day though, just to maintain a presence.”

He seemed very relieved that the first question wasn’t an impossible one.

“Second question, which Red would you rather patrol with?”

Signal paused, and turned to where Red Robin and Red Hood were currently playing ping pong on the Batcomputer. “Uh... I guess Red Robin? He makes pretty solid plans and stuff... besides patrolling with Red Hood typically means I have Batman glaring me down telling me not to let Hood shoot anyone. As if I could stop him. The only people that get even close to that are Batman and RR... and even then Hood typically shoots someone out of spite. I think RR managed to talk him out of it by offering to buy him a milkshake once.”

Signal turned back to the front. “Yeah. The Reds are a chaos entity, but Red Robin is a bit easier to work with most of the time. Assuming he’s not falling asleep mid grapple. Or assuming that Robin isn’t tailing him so that he can cut the line mid grapple. Both have happened. Next question.”

“You only joined the tik toks for the floor is lava, why did you come back?”

“Oh, that’s easy. This family is fucking insane but at least I’m not bored. There’s only so many movies I can watch in a day. At least with the fam I’m constantly doing something. Even if that something is chasing after Robin with a plastic lightsaber. True story.”

“Number four,” Signal hummed, looking down. “Which prank of your siblings is your favorite?”

“Uhhh... I feel like if I answer this then that’ll be like inviting myself to get pranked. But I have to say, the ducks were pretty great. There’s a reason I chose that question for Robin... Though there was also that time that Hood broke into the house in the middle fo the night dressed like two face and proceeded to shoot Bats with a water gun. That led to a very interesting lecture on why water guns are now banned from the house and also why Hood doesn’t have a house key anymore.”

He chuckled, “Alright, last one, we know what it is. FMK. Starfire, Wondergirl (the blonde one), and Beast Boy.”

Signal paused, looked around at the rest of the room, and then turned back to the camera, whispering. “FMK in that order exactly. Don’t tell Nightwing.”

The video ended.

* * *

Comments:

“For the first half of the vid, I was wondering ‘wtf is that sound?’ And then the camera turned and I laid my eyes upon the reds playing ping pong and suddenly I understood everything”

“I didn’t not expect him to f Starfire wow”

“Signal just gave us glimpses of situations we’re never gonna get to see, huh? Chasing Robin with a lightsaber? Water pistoling THE Batman? We Stan”

“DUCKS DUCKS DUCKS”

“Signal legitimately saying aloud that the reds are a chaos entity was the highlight of my week. And yes, that includes when I binge watched all of the other tik toks.”

“I mean, he wasn’t wrong.”

“My favorite part is that he referred to them as one entity. Not two. Just one.”

“Signal giving an in depth reasoning for why he doesn’t want to be stuck on babysitting duty for Hood was a MOOD”

“Is... is no one going to talk about Spoiler laying on top of the equipment behind him... throwing waffle pieces at Nightwing as he’s trying to exercise or... like I didn’t hallucinate that, right?”

“‘Don’t tell Nightwing’ I’m dead”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* I haven’t answered comments in days, I have over 50 messages in my inbox... ahhhhhhhhh


	118. Q&A Part Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today’s title is also known as Q&A Part Bitch I Forgot What Number We’re On Why Does Bruce Have So Many Children

“Ayyyy,” Spoiler said, sliding into frame with a waffle in hand. She took a bite of it, and it could be very easily noted that she was just eating a straight up waffle. No butter. No syrup. She was just munching on a piece of oddly shaped bread. “Finally it’s my turn.”

She ripped off a piece of the waffle and threw it out of frame. There was a clear grunting sound from the side. Someone had obviously just been hit in the face with a waffle.

“Question one! What’s with the waffles?”

She smirked, “Well I’m glad you asked. You see, I’m Spoiler. Enemy to crime, people who don’t like purple, and those who disgrace waffles. Waffles are the Universe’s gift to us. The reason I keep living. Waffles are the superior breakfast food. Nightwing’s cereal can come kiss my ass—“

“Language!” Nightwing shouted from the side. “And my cereal beats your waffles any day!”

She rolled her eyes and stuck out her middle finger at him. “Anyways, waffles are just amazing, hun. They give life to all those who need it. Next—“

She ducked right as a box of Honey Nut Cheerios flew at her head, not even missing a beat as she read out the next question. “What’s the relationship with RR? I’m so confused.”

She narrowed her eyes, “I mean, I get why you guys are confused, but who the hell picked this question?”

In the back, Signal raised his hand. “It was me, you guys confuse me. What’s your deal? Are you dating or friends or...?”

Spoiler shrugged, “You know, the answer is technically that we’re not dating anymore but I’m always down for a little—“

“Absolutely not.” Red Robin cut in. “I swear if you say another goddamn pick up line, I’m going to build myself an inter dimensional teleporter just so I can get away from you.”

“I wasn’t— okay, yeah fine, I was gonna say another quarantine pick up line...” Spoiler ducked her head. “It would’ve been funny though.”

She sighed, and then straightened, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Okay! Question three— are you one of the fam? You’ve dated RR and don’t seem to live at the house they live in so I feel like the answer is no but I really don’t know.”

Spoiler scoffed, “Definitely not one of them. I’m my own set of crazy, thank you very much.”

“I dunno, had you and babybird gone on a bit longer, you might’ve joined the fam,” Hood teased from the side.

She threw a piece of her waffle at him.

“Alright, question 4. Do you have a favorite place in the city?” She hummed. “Well, there’s a few places I like. There’s a 24 hour diner that has the best fucking waffles— I’m a regular. They also have ‘decent coffee’ according to Red Robin over there. There’s also this really nice gargoyle that over looks the north side—“

“Oi! That’s _my_ gargoyle!” Hood yelled at her.

She cackled, “Yeah well I don’t see it having your name on it—“

“FUCK YOU!”

The video cut. “Alright, I’ve been the one choosing all the FMK’s so that’s not gonna be number five—“ She paused. She looked up. “Who..?”

Red Robin sighed, “I figured you’d be disappointed without it.”

She smiled widely, “I owe you a coffee—“

“DO NOT GIVE HIM MORE COFFEE!”

“Fine fine, I owe him a decaf—“

“For fucks sake decaf is not real coffee. How many times do I have to tell you guys this—“

“Oh my god! Just finish the fucking question!”

Spoiler rolled her eyes, “Fine, fine. FMK, Catwoman, Red Robin, Poison Ivy.”

She hummed, “Well I’m definitely marrying Catwoman.”

There was a strangled sound from the side. Those inside the Cave knew that it had been from Batman, who had walked in right as Spoiler had said that. The rest of the world though had no clue.

“She’s just amazing. And ya know, Ivy’s not that bad either. I feel like she’d be a real hoot. I’m gonna fuck her.”

“Wait—“ Red Robin said from the side.

“And yep, killing Red. Bye bye.” She waved at the other vigilante.

The camera turned to show Red Robin, who was half being crushed by Black Bat laying across his lap, attempting to knit. Red Robin looked deeply offended by her choice. “You’re gonna choose Catwoman? And Poison Ivy? Over me?!”

Spoiler hummed, “Sure am.”

Red Robin gaped. “I thought we were friends!”

Spoiler considered it, “We are.” She said, offering Red Robin a playful wink before throwing a piece of her waffle at his face.

“Ack—“

The tik tok ended.

* * *

Commepnts:

“Let’s play a game called ‘How Many People Can Spoiler Hit in the Face with a Waffle?’”

“I want a mural painted in my dining room of her ‘I’m Spoiler, enemy of crime, people who don’t like purple, and those who disgrace waffles’ speech.”

“Honestly, same. Make it dramatic. I want waffles to be falling from the sky and there to be a purple sky with a beautiful moon above that is also a waffle”

“The no hesitation in marrying Catwoman tho, like I Stan”

“She’s been the one choosing all the FMKs?!??! What a Queen”

“The family banter in this is Quality”

“Nightwing was like YEET with that box of cereal wasn’t he?”

“I need a compilation of all times spoiler has been seen with waffles NOW”

“Can we appreciate RR picking the FMK question for spoils just cause he knew she’d like it? Like, even tho he got killed, what a King”

“Poor RR keeps getting killed by his family members”

“I mean,,, we all saw Robin killing him from a mile away”

“At least Hood had the decency to be nice to my bby”

“Oml imagine calling one of the most dangerous people in the world ‘my bby’”

“RR was right about the decaf and they should let him say it”

“I just...... really love Spoiler, okay? Like,,,, wow”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also,,, had to write this entire chapter on my phone??? Cause my keyboard is being a bitch. Posting is a nightmare. Hope you enjoyed the comments section, curtesy of me not being able to sleep last night and just writing nonsensical bs at 2:00 in the morning. *finger guns* idk if the next chapter will be on time or not, depends on how badly I feel like writing my chapters on my phone


	119. Q&A Part Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you think we were done with these?

The tik tok started with seven children in brightly colored costumes surrounding a hunched over figure chanting, “Q&A! Q&A! Q&A!”

That’s also how it ended. The tik tok was ten seconds long.

* * *

Comments:

“BATMAN?”

“DO IT DO IT DO IT”

“PEEEERRRRR PRESSSUURRREEEEE”

“Imagine being Batman there tho, like you have your seven children surrounding you, aggressively pressuring you into answering questions for a tik tok account”

“@Batman, I have a question. Can you fucking skateboard or not you bitch?”

* * *

The tik tok started with Batman standing in front of the camera. Behind him, all of the batkids were eagerly watching, eyes wide and expressions hopeful.

Batman sighed and looked down at the phone in his hand. “Question one. How many children do you even have?”

He grunted noncommittally, “Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference.”

Batman turned slightly towards where Red Hood had pulled out a water gun, “No, Hood.”

Red Hood huffed and threw the water gun off to the side.

“Question two. Can you—“ he sighed. “I’m not reading this word for word. I can stand on a skateboard, but no I cannot do any tricks like Red Robin. I don’t know why you’d get that impression.”

“Last question,” he said, and the children behind him all jerked into motion.

“Hey! No you have to answer all five—“

“Last. Question.” Batman growled out, finality in his tone. “You should be glad I’m even answering three. I can just throw the camera into the closest lake, if you want.”

They all shrunk back, except Red Robin, who looked ready to throw hands. “If you even touch my camera—“

“Red Robin...” Batman growled again.

Red Robin glared back before sighing and saying, “Fine, fine. But I want you to answer the FMK question.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Yes.”

Batman glared. He took a step toward the camera, hand reaching out.

“Wait— wait! Sorry, sorry, please don’t hurt my camera. Answer any question you want.” Red Robin said, holding onto the fabric of Batman’s cape desperately.

Batman lowered his hand. “Go back.”

Red Robin reluctantly moved back to where he’d been earlier, beside Red Hood. Hood, who apologetically patted Red Robin on the head and whispered, “There, there.”

“Last question...” He paused, seemingly letting the moment draw on for dramatic effect. Truth is, he was questioning how much he wanted to destroy his reputation. “Fuck, Marry, Kill—“

There were several gasps from behind them.

“Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern.”

He glanced up at the camera, and even though his eyes were covered by white out lenses, it was clear that he was regretting his life decisions. “Kill Green Lantern. Marry Wonder Woman. Sleep with Superman. No explanation needed, I think.”

The tik tok ended right as all the Batkids started screaming behind him.

* * *

Comments:

“Yesssss! He answered my question!!!

“What were the other questions??”

“They had to be more embarrassing than the FMK”

“Or he just felt like being nice for once”

“I don’t believe him. A video of him skateboarding or it’s not real”

“#make Batman skateboard 2020”

“He told us that he has biological, legal, and emotional children but he never told us how many”

“Stop withholding informaaaation”

“Batman skateboarding is my sleep paralysis demon”

“No. Hood with the water gun is. Skateboard Batman is a cryptid”

“He’s joined the ranks of paddle board and kid flash”


	120. We Oiled Our Floor for a Sliding Competition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...this chapter might not be that great cause I wrote it in fifteen minutes... and I maybe it wrote it that fast because I forgot it was posting day and NM was mad at me...

“Okay okay, guys hear me out.” Nightwing said, something of a mischievous expression on his face. “What if... we covered the cave floor in oil... and had a sliding competition?”

“No,” Robin said immediately.

“That sounds like one of us is gonna die—“ Signal added, nervously.

“I’m in.” Red Hood and Red Robin said in unison.

“Oh no—“ Signal whispered the second he heard his brothers.

“I’m going upstairs to make pottery with Cain.” Damian turned and left the Cave with no further comment.

“Yeah...” Duke furrowed his eyebrows. “I think I’m gonna go join them... I’ll see you guys once someone breaks an arm.” He also turned and left.

Meanwhile, Red Robin, Red Hood, and Nightwing were all grinning maniacally.

* * *

“How much oil do you think we need?” Hood said, holding up a large bottle of vegetable oil.

“At least a bottle. Maybe two.” Nightwing replied. “The floors are smooth enough that we could slide with socks on, but I was thinking more on body boarding it.”

“I like the way you think.” Hood said, and grabbed the bottle of olive oil as well.

* * *

“—I’ve got the bubble wrap and duct tape. Let’s do this.”

* * *

“If Alfred catches us...”

“We’re doomed.”

* * *

The tik tok started with a shitty montage of three vigilantes, clad in swimsuits of their respective colors— blue, red and yellow, and red and grey. Their arms and knees were wrapped and taped badly with huddle wrap and each of them wore a helmet and domino mask.

Nightwing’s helmet was a silver age Superman one, Hood was rocking a Wonder Woman one, and Red Robin a Batman one. It was too be noted that in the background, a Green Lantern one could be seen. It clearly wasn’t being used by any of the present vigilantes.

“Alright— rock, paper, scissors?” Hood asked, turning to the others.

“For what? The right to slide first?”

“Yes.”

“Sure. Rock, paper, scissors—“

“ _HA!”_ Red Robin cheered, having gotten rock to their two scissors. “See ya at the end of the line, bitches.”

And then he ran, gaining as much speed as possible and then diving as he crossed the predetermined launch line and body slid across the oiled floor.

When he stopped, he’d gone a good ten feet. “Measure it!” He called back.

Hood ran up with a measuring tape and actual tape and marked the spot on the floor where Red Robin’s foot was. “10 feet two inches.” He called.

Red Robin stood and stretched out. His entire torso was covered in oil. “Who’s next?”

The scene cut to Nightwing launching himself down the oil runway next, laughing in glee. The spot was marked at 11 feet even.

Hood was next, throwing all of the body weight he had (which was a lot) into the slide. He finished at 12 feet and 4 inches.

“Okay, okay.” Red Robin held up his hands. “Lemme show you two idiots how it’s done.”

Hood scoffed, “Says the one with the current lowest score.”

Red Robin flicked him in the face, causing Hood to stumble back. And with that, Red Robin backed up and then sprinted towards the oil runway, and then—

“Whhooo!” Red Robin cackled as he easily passed Hood’s previous mark.

The video cut to show a quick montage of the three former Robins all sliding across the floor, trying to be the current furthest distance of 15 feet and 1 inch (held by one Dick Grayson).

“ _Ow_ —!” Red Robin exclaimed, cutting into the montage. “You stepped on my finger!” He scrambled to his feet, glaring at Nightwing.

Nightwing’s eyes widened, “Sorry—“

Red Robin tackled him.

Hood looked up at the camera like he was on the Office, before shrugging and saying, “Ah, what the hell?” And diving to tackle his brothers.

There were various screams of “FUCK HOOD YOU’RE HEAVY!” and “GET OFF ME!” and “NO STOP FUCK YOU DON’T TICKLE ME!”

And then the door to the Cave opened and Batman walked in. They all stopped, lying onto on each other in a tangled mess of limbs covered in an odd mix of olive and vegetable oil, out of breath and staring at Batman with wide eyes.

Batman took in the scene, noting the tape on the floor marking the spots, the oil, and the bubble wrap on his children’s elbows and knees.

And then his gaze solidified into a heavy glare. “What do you three think you’re doing?”

“Uhhh...” Nightwing began. “Indoor water park?”

* * *

Comments:

“InDoOr WaTer PaRk”

“I really wanna know the thought process behind this”

“Something tells me there wasn’t one”

“Omg they’re gonna be mopping up oil for ages”

“YES NIGHTWINGGGG”

“The urge to now cover my floor in oil and yeet myself across it is strong”

“Uh oh, BatDad Mode Activated”

“And they were like yeet and I was like *cackles*”

“The excitement of RR when he won that Rock Paper Scissors tho”

“He puts all of his excitement into one activity a day and then dies for the rest of the day”

“Honestly me tho”

“The fact that they bubble wrapped their knees and elbows as protection from the floor is just...”

“My question is, how many bubbles popped?”

“Even better, did they pop the bubbles after they were done?”

“At first I was like, where’s the rest of the fam? And then I remembered that they aren’t stupid enough to do this”

“You mean legendary”

“No, i mean stupid”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello  
> School has officially started again for me, which is a big reason as to why I’m trying to bring this fic to a close (it’s not going well) (i still have like three more plot lines to go through) (Idk) but basically what I’m getting at here is that I’m gonna try to keep a schedule of posting every other day, but who fucking knows what’s gonna happen 
> 
> In the meantime, the [next chapter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490672/chapters/62739526) of [Rise of Cardinal](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490672/chapters/59114389) is up, which you should really go check out cause why not? :)


	121. Roasting Our Siblings While Attempting to Make Pottery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *writes the last chapter*  
> Me: *immediately knows what this chapter has to be*

“Hey Cass,” Duke greeted, taking a seat in the chair a few feet away. “Sup’ Dami.”

Damian scowled, “If you insist by calling me by my first name, then at least use it in it’s entirety.”

“Right, right, sorry. _Damian_.” Duke joked, slinging a leg over the side of the chair. “So what are you two making?”

“I’m making a vase,” Cass replied, hands covered in clay as she played with the blob on the wheel.

“And I have yet to decide.” Damian added, his hands currently pulling at a large chunk of clay.

“Nice. So, who thinks Bruce is gonna be mad at those three?”

“I certainly do.” Damian huffed out. “They’ll be cleaning up that oil for ages.”

“Oil?” Cass asked.

“They’re oiling the floor of the cave and having a sliding competition.” Duke supplied for her.

She raised an eyebrow, “Did I... did I understand that right?”

Damian raised his hands and quickly signed out the explanation for her.

She smiled and shook her head, “They are dumb.”

Duke snorted, “Yeah. Part of me wants to bet that one of them is going to get hurt, but I also saw Tim getting duct tape and bubble wrap from the prank drawer and...”

“What the hell could that possibly be for?” Damian asked, face scrunched in confusion. “If anything, the bubble wrap would just slow them down.”

“Language,” Cass teased, pointing a clay covered finger at him.

Damian threw a small piece of his clay at her, “I’m plenty old enough to say hell.”

Duke snickered, “Hey, Dami, throw me some of that.”

Damian glared at him.

“Damian.” Duke corrected. Damian nodded at threw him a small glob of clay.

First thing to note. It was wet and slimy. It was actually about what Duke imagined a mud pie would feel like. He squished it around in his hands. “You decided what you’re gonna make yet?”

Damian hummed, “Unfortunately no. Cain, what should I make?”

“A cat.”

Damian frowned. “I... I’m not an Amazon, I can’t make living things from clay.”

Duke laughed, “Sure you can, just make a cat figurine and we’ll have Silena come breathe some cat life into it, and _bam_!”

Cass snickered while Damian threw Duke a middle finger.

“I meant, make a small cat figurine. You can put it on your desk.” Cass clarified.

“I dunno,” Duke began. “I liked the first idea better.”

Damian dunked his hand in the clay water and splashed it directly at Duke’s face.

“Hey!” He squealed, leaping out of his seat and dropping the clay he’d been playing with. “Rude!”

“You deserved it.” Damian huffed, taking his clay and plopping it down onto a board to begin shaping it.

Duke scowled, stuck his tongue out at Damian, ignored Cass’ smile, and sat back down in his (partially wet) seat.

It was silent for a moment. Just one.

“Look, all I’m saying, is that it would be really funny to watch you explain how you got that cat to Bruce.”

Damian hummed, but didn’t look up. That didn’t stop Duke from seeing the slight uptick of Damian’s lips.

“Like,” Duke pitched his voice up an octave to mock Damian’s voice. “Yes, Father. This is my new cat. I made it from clay and your maybe girlfriend maybe not lady breathed life into it for me. I’m calling it Sushi.”

Cass chuckled under her breath while Damian was definitely smiling now. “For the record, I would never name a cat of this caliber Sushi.” Damian gestured to the glob of clay on the surface that was just a oblong blob of grey mud. “This cat is the epitome of elegant.”

Duke and Cass laughed aloud.

“ _What would you name it then?”_ Cass signed.

“Hmmm... Robert.”

Duke snorted, “ _Robert_?”

“Yes. He looks like a Robert.” Damian gestured at the clay.

Duke cackled.

* * *

“—You’d think that I wouldn’t have to tell them not to cover the Cave floor in oil and have a sliding competition, but here I am.” Bruce’s voice sounded from outside the door.

“Hmm, yes I understand the trouble. I also remember thinking that I wouldn’t have tell you that dressing up as a giant bat and waging a one man war against crime is a bad idea, but it’s over twenty years later and here we are.” Alfred responded calmly.

Damian snorted.

Bruce was suspiciously quiet.

“I also remember you bringing home a certain child from the Circus and telling you that it would be a bad idea for you to adopt him.”

“... it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Duke held back his laughter as best as he could. It wasn’t going well.

“Hmm, yes I’m sure it did. But remember, that’s the decision that led you to this point.” Alfred responded. “I’m merely surprised that you haven’t accepted that these children are this way because of you.”

“They certainly are not.”

“Hmm. Once again, I cite the dressing up as a bat and waging a one man war against crime point.”

“That has nothing to do with deciding to make an oil slide in our basement.” Bruce huffed.

“Perhaps.”

There was a heavy sigh. “Where are the others anyways? I mostly trust Cass and Duke but even they get up to ridiculous things.”

“We’re in here.” Cass called out.

Silence.

The door opened, and Bruce poked his head in. He looked tired.

“Regretting your decision to invite all of us back for quarantine?” Duke joked.

“Yes.”

“If it’s any consolation, the three musketeers down there tried to recruit Dami and I into their water slide shenanigans but we decided to come make pottery with Cass and roast them.”

Bruce nodded, “Good choice. They’ll be mopping for hours.” With that, Bruce closed the door.

If Bruce heard the uproarious laughter from his three currently sane children, then he didn’t comment.


	122. cHiLi’S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t ask

“Hi Welcome to Chili’s—“

“Sooooooo,” Tim started, taking his mop and plopping the end of it on the ground. “Who wants to bet that Bruce is having a mental breakdown right now?”

Jason shook his head, “Nah, we’d lose. He’s definitely having one.”

“When the world tells me that I should just give up... I wish I could physically listen because I really just want to take a nap.”

“Ayyyyy, what if— hear me out— we hooked up all of Tim’s Xbox’s to the batcave computer and had a Minecraft showdown.”

“Hmph, sounds like chaos. I’m in.”

“I’m in, but only if Bruce is forced to play with us.”

“Father, this is my new cat, Robert. Ms Kyle breathed life into him for me so that he can torment you for the rest of your years.”

“Damian... what the hell?”

“HEY WHO’S BLASTING THE GODDAMN DISCO MUSIC?”

“ITS NOT DISCO ITS DONNA SUMMER!”

“ACCORDING TO MARK WATNEY THAT IS DISCO MUSIC TURN IT OFF!”

“ _NO!_ ”

“Goodbye, Leave This Chili’s.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me @ NM: “idk what to write for the chapter. My brain is telling me to write “hi welcome to chili’s” and that’s it”  
> NM: do it  
> NM: but like, put a whole bunch of space and then write some more bs


	123. Minecraft Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would say I’m sorry for the delay, but its not my fault that school sucks all the energy out of me
> 
> However, this chapter is something else. Also, 90% of this dialogue consists of things I have heard/said while playing minecraft.

“TIM! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!”

“I’M FUCKING GETTING OREOS!”

“OKAY WELL THAT SHOULDN’T TAKE SO GODDAMN LONG!”

“FUCK YOU!”

That was how this was starting. For most families, the sheer amount of screaming would not be considered a good thing. For this family however, it’s unfortunately normal.

“CASS THROW ME THAT PILLOW!”

A pillow soared across the room.

“BRUCE! BRUCE! ARE YOU READY?”

“I can hear you just fine without you screaming in my ear, Dick.”

Tim slid into the room, three family sized packs of Oreos in hand and a bag of Takis on his head. “Alright, the snacks have arrived.”

“Took you long enough,” Jason grumbled, snatching the chips off Tim’s head and immediately beginning to eat them.

“Careful, eat too many and you’ll get sick.” Tim warned, through he didn’t sound like he actually cared.

“Pff, I have a stomach of iron. Besides, you’re the one who’s gonna be sick if you have as many Oreos as it looks like you’re planning to have.”

Tim fixed Jason with a deadpan stare, “You’ve tasted my coffee. Do you really think I can’t handle a pack or two of Oreos?” He tossed one of the packs at Dick and the other at Steph.

“Fair.”

“Can we please just get this started already?” Damian spoke up from where he was currently being half crushed by Dick.

“Right, right. You guys did connect everything right, right?”

“Oh my god, did you just say right four times in one sentence?”

“Two sentences actually. And it was grammatically correct, so fuck you.”

“Tim. Steph. Stop.” Bruce cut in. “If you are going to continue to waste my time with pointless arguing, I’m going back upstairs.”

“Nononono, we’re ready.”

“Finally,” Damian huffed, reaching forward and grabbing his controller. “I call upper left.”

“But—“

“I. Call. Upper. Left.”

Cue annoyed sighing followed by a glare of don’t-you-dare-argue followed by a “fine.”

“Aight, lets do this.”

Now.

You’re probably wondering what “this” is.

Answer: Batfam Minecraft

“I’m in.”

“This??? Isn’t a spy game??? You don’t say ‘I’m in’.”

“We do now.”

“I’m in.”

“Jason no—“

“Why are we starting with survival again?”

“Because we are not cowards.” Dick replied.

Now. If you listened very closely. And zoomed in on where Batman was staring at his controller in confusion, you’d see him very quietly whisper, “I am.”

But no one else noticed that. So on with the game.

* * *

“A cow!”

“A cow?”

“A cow!”

“MooOOoooOOoOOooo!”

“...Spoils what the fuck?”

* * *

“I’m gonna build the best house you’ve ever fucking seen.” Red Robin declared.

“Oh yeah?” Robin challenged. “Mine will be much better.”

“Pff, as if. You play Cheese Vikings and that’s it. I’m the Minecraft King here.”

“Guys where are you?” Duke cut in.

“We’re—“ Tim gestured to his screen with his controller. “Ya know, by the waterfall. Where are you?”

“I don’t... I don’t know. I went mining.”

“Oh no.”

“Did you have torches?”

“No.”

“RIP Signal 2020, I guess.”

Signal raised a middle finger. “But seriously. Someone help me.”

“I mean, you could kill yourself and respawn. That always works.”

“But... but I have so much iron...” Signal looked very depressed all of the sudden.

* * *

“Guys. I have found a chicken.” Nightwing announced.

“Fuck off, everyone can find a chicken.”

“No no. You don’t understand. This chicken is special.”

A pause. “It’s a chicken, Dickhead. They all look the same in this game.”

“Noooo, this one is special. I can feel it. His name is Egguardo.”

“Egg— Egguardo?” Signal whispered.

“Yes. He is mine and I worship him.”

“Oh, uhm, okay. Have fun with that.”

* * *

“Uhhh... Bats? You okay over there.”

A huff. “No.”

“Why is your screen black?”

“I don’t... I don’t know.”

Cue amused chuckling from at least half the family.

“Where are you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh... okay then. Welcome to my world I guess...”

“Glad to be here.”

“B... look up for me.” Red Robin cut in.

Batman angled his screen upwards to show the “night sky.”

Red Hood snorted.

“B... you’re stuck in a two block deep hole. Just dig yourself out of it.”

* * *

“Woah, party bois.” Red Hood said absentmindedly. “Chilling in their party hole.”

“Party what now?”

“Party bois,” Hood gestured to his screen, which showed a water pit in the ground full of Drowned. “They’re partying. They are bois. In their party hole.”

“Party bois!” Black Bat chirped in. “One of them tried to kill me earlier.”

* * *

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck—“

“What’s wrong?”

“AHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

“Signal?”

“THERE’S A SKELETON IN MY HOUSE!”

*Signal was shot by a skeleton*

“ _NO_!”

* * *

“Party bois~Party bois~ Such party, party bois. I’d love to stay, maybe play, but you’re chasing me, and that’s not okay—“

“Uhhh, you good there Hood?”

“Mhmm, just singing you know. Humans have an odd tendency to sing when mildly terrified. Like I am right now.”

* * *

“Okay so I found this ravine when we first got here and I built a staircase to get down to the bottom and it should be around here somewhere— ah, found it— fuCK WAIT NO THAT WAS NOT THE STAIRCASE I REPEAT THAT WAS NOT THE STAIRCASE ABORT MISSION ABORT—“

*Nightwing died from falling*

* * *

“RR oh my god, stop, you’re gonna choke.”

“Choake? I dwon’t nmo vhwat yoir tawking bout.” Red Robin said around a giant mouthful of Oreos. He stuffed another one in. “‘M fone.”

* * *

“Guys, guys, red alert, this is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill. Egguardo is missing.”

“Oof.”

“RIP Egguardo 2020.”

“Nooooo we have to find him.”

“Can’t, I’m booked.”

“Yeah same... I gotta... uhm, explore this jungle. Yeah. Need some melons.”

“Sorry, but like I’ve been making a bunch of cows and I’m about to massacre all of them soooo.”

“You’re what?” Robin snapped.

“They’re virtual cows! It’s not a big deal!”

“DoEs nO oNe cArE aBoUt EgGuArDo?”

“...”

Nightwing slid to the floor, actual legit, honest to god tears spilling from underneath his domino mask. “ _Egguardoooooo_...”

* * *

“I HAVE A PARROT!”

“A PARROT?”

“A PARROT!”

“OH MY GOD! I NEED A PARROT—“

* * *

“We have too many parrots.”

* * *

Red Robin looked at the camera, and then back at his screen. “Hmm... I could probably jump off this mountain and land in the river at the bottom.”

His family all paused what they were doing to turn and stare at him.

Red Robin shrugged and made his character jump.

*Red Robin died from falling off a mountain*

Silence.

Red Robin looked down. “The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.”

* * *

“Oi, dickwing, be careful, there’s a party hole over there.”

“WhAt iF I wAn PaRtY?” NIghtwing decided, and leaped directly into it.

“Wan party?” Signal asked.

“WAN PARTY! WAN PARTY! WAN PARTY—“ Spoiler, Red Robin, Red Hood, and Black Bat all chanted.

*Nightwing was killed by Drowned*

* * *

“Okay, I have said anything before, but where the fuck is the spider noises coming from? It’s the middle of the day, and I’ve checked. There are no spiders around.”

“You mean the eyeball noise?”

“The— the what?”

“The eyeball noise. Is that not what the spiders sound like?”

There was more silence as everyone stared at Red Robin.

“...just because you’re not wrong doesn’t mean you should say it.”

* * *

“OKAY THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS! WHY AM I HEARING LIKE FIFTY ZOMBIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY!”

“It’s the parrots.” Black Bat added quietly.

“What?”

“They imitate mob noises.”

Signal blinked at her.

“Well then.”

* * *

At some point, Red Robin had thrown an oversized Wonder Woman hoodie on, climbed onto the back of the couch, and crouched there, absolutely focused.

He has not blinked in 20 minutes.

His family is afraid to ask if he’s okay.

Mostly because every few minutes, he’ll just quietly whisper “beef” under his breath.

* * *

The camera zoomed in on Spoiler as her eyes widened as she whispered, “Yes, oh yes, yes, oh yes, oh oh yes.”

No further context was added.

* * *

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“ROBIN?”

“FUCK OH NO _AHHHHHHH_!”

*Robin was killed by a Creeper*

“Oof.”

* * *

“This is ridiculous.” Batman declared, after dying for the seventeenth time. “I want to play the version where I can’t die.”

“You mean creative?”

“Yes.”


	124. Minecraft Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *laughs awkwardly* idk what life is anymore man. Its midnight. This isn’t the first time I’ve posted things at midnight. I just... idk...
> 
> *ALSO, THE END NOTES MIGHT BE VERY ENTERTAINING FOR THOSE WHO DECIDE TO READ IT*

All in all, the second Minecraft video went about as well as the first.

“I’m gonna build a city.” Signal declared.

“Yeah, yeah, everyone says that.” Red Robin replied, sounding bored. His fingers twiddled over the controls. “What are we calling this one?”

“Moon Pringles.” Nightwing said, without hesitation. Everyone turned to stare at him.

“Moon... Moon Pringles?”

“Yes.”

“O...okay.” Red Robin replied, and began typing it in.

“Uhm, Red?” Hood spoke up, half laughing. “You uh, missed a few letters there.”

The camera zoomed in on Red Robin’s face as he blinked slowly, seeming to just now realize what he’d typed.

Spoiler bust out laughing next to him. “Mon Pringle?”

Hood laughed deeply, having to take a breath before he spoke, “Mon Pringlé!”

“Mon Pringlé!” Nightwing called out. “That’s it. That’s the world now!”

The camera zoomed in on Batman’s cowled face, where he looked ready to die.

* * *

“How the fuck do I build a roof?” Hood asked.

“Stairs.”

“Well no shit,” Hood huffed. “But how do I stair?”

“With your eyes.”

A long pause.

The scene cut.

* * *

“The more I build the more this looks like an Olive Garden.”

“...is that a good thing?” Nightwing warily asked.

The camera zoomed in on Signal’s pained expression, “no.” He whispered. “I’m trying to build a library.”

* * *

“Red Robin, please, enlighten us on your thought process here.” Spoiler said. There were eager nods from all of the family, except Batman, who was incredibly focused on whatever it was he was doing.

“Oh well thank you for asking,” Red Robin said in a voice that was very different from the one he normally uses. “You know how I’m filled with rage?”

There was a pause. Someone, unclear who, whispered, “oh no.”

“I’m so tired and depressed all the time and I have no outlet for it. So—“ the camera cut to his screen where Red Robin had built 17 massive eggs that littered the skyline. “—Eggs.”

* * *

“Black Bat? Whatcha got there?” Hood asked, not actually sounding all that interested.

“A smoothie.” She replied.

Everyone paused at that. They looked to her screen.

“Is that the fucking Ender Dragon?”

* * *

“Volcanos.” Robin stated out of nowhere. “I want volcanos. I want giant mountains that occasionally explode and spew lava and ash everywhere.”

“You want volcanos? I want a mountain update and I want mountain goats and giant eagles.” Red Robin countered.

“Yeah? Well I want some fucking furniture—“ Spoiler said.

The scene cut right as all of them started arguing.

* * *

“B? You’re being awfully quiet over there?” Nightwing spoke up.

“Shut up.” Batman responded instantly, no remorse on his face, looking absolutely focused on what he was doing. It was still unclear what exactly he was doing.

Nightwing’s shocked expression was also mirrored on everyone else’s. “Uhhh... okay...?”

* * *

“I have built a mansion in the Nether.” Red Robin said.

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you, Black Bat. Would you like a tour?”

“Yes I would.”

“Great. So this is the entrance—“ A ring interrupted his introduction. Another.

Red Robin frowned and picked up his phone. His eyes widened. “Shit, I gotta go take this.” He scrambled off the couch, moving way too fast for someone who’d stuffed their face with a pack of Oreos a couple of hours ago.

“Wonder what that was about,” Signal whispered.

“Probably Superboy.” Hood said. “Kid drops everything for him.”

There were several laughs, and Hood leaned over. “Let’s do his tour for him.”

Hood guided Tim’s character towards the building. “Anyways, as baby bird was saying. This is the entrance. He used varying types of stone and wood to subconsciously describe his ability to open up to people about his emotional and mental health—“

Nightwing slapped Hood over the head, his hand making the metal of Hood’s helmet ring. Meanwhile, Spoiler and Robin were holding back laughter.

“As I was saying, this is his door. He chose Spruce because it’s the only one that doesn’t have holes in it, and when sleep deprived, the wild Red Robin will occasionally suffer from mild Trypophobia—“

“Hood,” Nightwing complained, but a smile was on his face.

“—If we go into the entrance hall, you will find a rather large and extravagant chandelier hanging from the ceiling. If you’re interesting in Red’s thought process during this, I heard him whispering ‘beans’ as he worked.”

“How insightful.”

Red Hood hummed, “Mmm, yes very.”

* * *

“Okay, I can’t take it anymore, Bats. What are you making?”

“Give me two more minutes and I’ll show you.”

Nightwing flopped against the couch, groaning. Red Robin, who had returned at some point, patted him on the head. Not gently, like would would expect, but more like he was just letting his hand fall and let gravity do the rest of the work for him.

Two minutes passed and Batman finally spoke again. “Okay.” His character flew away to show...

“Holy shit,” Hood leaned forward so fast that he spilled his drink onto the floor.

“Is that... is that the Upper District?”

“Yes,” Batman grunted out. “To scale.”

Several jaws dropped. The video cut to show Batman’s screen, where a large portion of Gotham had been built, apparently to scale, complete with windows, lighting, and furniture.

“How did you...”

“I have Gotham memorized.”

“Yeah, we all have Gotham memorized.” Red Robin said, eyes wide. The camera took a moment to cut to Signal mouthing ‘ _we’re supposed to have Gotham memorized?_ ’. Red Robin kept speaking, “But how did you build it that fast?”

Batman grunted, “With hard work.”

The video ended there.

* * *

Comments:

“AHAHAHAHA OMG WHATTTTTT”

“BATMAN MR. GETS-STUCK-IN-A-TWO-BLOCK-DEEP-HOLE JUST BUILT THE UPPER DISTRICT TO SCALE IN MINECRAFT OMG”

“Hood roasting RR as he does the tour for him was Peak Comedy”

“I’m mildly worried about RR’s mental state tbh”

“Aren’t we all?”

“Idk why, but rr does not seem like the guy to ever take a phone call. I mean like,,,, i feel like he’s the kind that would hack into his phone just to delete that option entirely”

“Is no one going to talk about NW’s first name for the world being Moon Pringles?”

“I mean, its Nightwing. What were you expecting?”

“So many memes....”

“A sMOoThIe? IM DEAD”

“I can’t believe rr built 17 giant eggs and then turned around and built a mansion in the nether like we Stan”

“WHAT THE FUCK I CAN SEE THE PLACE I WORK IN BATMAN’S GOTHAM REPLICA”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m tempted to post the text conversation between me and NM regarding these last two chapters, because it was very interesting and most of it is exactly what happened in these chapters.  
> In fact, a lot of the chapters, including the original idea for this fic, can be found in my messages with her...
> 
> Here’s a quick transcript of the texts from the OG conversation:  
> (Please note that I was on vacation (the one I almost got stuck on, if you remember my author’s notes from the beginning chapters))
> 
> Tim’s like *monotone voice* “just let me die. It’s my fate. It’s my destiny”  
> *lays spread eagle on the floor* “COME TO ME CORONAVIRUS”
> 
> Jason doesn’t mess around with the Corona cause he’s like “I already died once I ain’t gonna let any stupid GERMS kill me again”
> 
> *tim steps outside* “CORONAVIRUS!!! IM WAITING!!!”  
> *jason comes out of nowhere, flying through the air and tackling him back into the house*
> 
> Bruce, in the background: TiM nO  
> Damian: TiM yEs
> 
> “I can’t decide what Dick would be like. I have a feeling he’d barricade himself in his room after buying out a whole grocery store and if anyone needs to talk to him, they have to slide a note under his door. On the other hand, I’d like to think that the people of Gotham look outside to see him scootering down the street on his razor scooter, on his way to the airport.”  
> “Both”  
> “He starts out with quarantining himself but gets bored in .2 seconds and gives up”  
> “Dick quarantined himself, Nightwing goes down the streets on a hoverboard”
> 
> “Tim steals Nightwing’s razor scooter”  
> “YES”
> 
> “Okay but like,,, Batfam tik toks”  
> “YES”  
> “Tim makes an account because Gotham got quarantined and he was bored. The first video is just Nightwing and Batman arguing about whether or not to go out on patrol”  
> “He films basically everything he does from ‘just stole my brother’s scooter’ to *him sprinting down the the street followed by cops screeching ‘I SAID YOU WERE IN QUARANTINE!’*”  
> “AHAHA YES”
> 
> “The entire city is on quarantine B, there’s not going to be any crime”  
> “HaVe yOu FoRgOtTeN tHaT tHiS iS gOtHaM NiGhTwIng” 
> 
> “Screw the fluffy fanfic. THIS is the quality content I need to be posting” (in reference to a fanfic I had planned that I never wrote for obvious reasons)
> 
> .  
> .  
> .
> 
> Oh how this fic has spiraled out of control from the original conversation...


	125. Someone Asked for a Waffle Making Contest And I Am Here to Deliver

“I have an idea for a video.” Steph said, turning to the rest of the family.

“What?” Dick asked, from where he was currently stuffing a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

“I put all of you into a waffle making contest with me as judge.”

“Absolutely not, Jason will win.”

“I can judge too?” Jason said. “Or cook blindfolded?”

Damian eyed him suspiciously, “I feel like you’d still managed to make a gourmet Belgian waffle while blindfolded.”

“I mean,” Jason rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah probably.”

Steph hummed, “You can judge then?”

Jason shrugged, “Sure.” He looked to the side. “You’re being quiet.” He said to Tim, who was currently staring at his coffee intensely.

“Yeah.” Tim looked up. “I’m gonna have to skip on this one. I have things to do.”

They all looked at him with varying degrees of shock ranging to suspicion.

“Is Kon ‘things’?” Jason asked, a smirk on his face.

Tim blushed deeply, “No!”

Jason laughed, throwing his head back. “Alright alright, just making sure you’re still with us mentally, ya know? Have fun with whatever you’re doing.”

Tim gave him the middle finger as he left.

“ _He’s been stressed._ ” Cass signed. “ _Something big, I think._ ”

They all frowned.

“What the hell is big enough that he would skip out on waffles?” Steph said, sighing dramatically.

Duke shrugged, “I dunno, but I’m suddenly very hungry, so can we start now?”

“Sure sure. _Cass, will you judge with me? I want the boys to compete for our love and affection_.” Steph grinned.

Cass nodded. “ _I will get Jason a blindfold.”_

Jason muttered something along the lines of, “—gonna be better than Bruce if I’m gonna get blindfolded—“ to which Damian raised a skeptic eyebrow, but said nothing.

* * *

The video began with Spoiler and Black Bat, dramatically sitting at the kitchen counter with their arms crossed in front of them like they were about to decide you fate. (To be fair, they kinda were).

“Waffles,” Spoiler stated. “The most amazing creation of all time. Aside from the color purple, that is.” She threw a finger guns up, and at that moment, the view flipped around to show Red Hood (blindfolded), Nightwing, Robin, and Signal all standing at the counter. “Today, we will see who is the best waffle maker. They will be crowned with the Mark of Spoiler—“

“The what now?” Signal cut in.

“UGH! You ruined it!”

“Sorry sorry,” Signal held up his hands. “I was just— I dunno if I want the Mark of Spoiler. Sounds like a curse.”

Nightwing snorted next to him.

Red Hood was currently spinning in a circle, tapping his fingers on his thighs. Robin was staring at him in what looked like confused anger.

“Whatever,” Spoiler decided. “You get my Waffle Maker Approval. Now get fucking cooking. You have 15 minutes.”

“Fifteen!?”

* * *

“Wait fuck where’s the fucking flour—“ Red Hood was currently slapping his hand onto a shelf in the pantry. “WHO MOVED THE FUCKING FLOUR?”

“I did, chill.” Nightwing said, and shoved the bag into Hood’s face, causing the flour to poof! all over him. Hood shook his head violently in confusion, mouthing ‘ _what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck?_ ’

Meanwhile, Robin was climbing Signal’s back in order to reach on top of the fridge, where the eggs had been placed. Yes. On top of the fridge. Red Hood had thought it was funny. Cause ya know, Robin is smol.

* * *

“Okay okay, what actually goes in a waffle?” Signal asked, looking directly at the camera. He held a bowl up, that had flour, eggs, and sugar (?) in it. “Cause I seriously don’t know.”

“Have you never made a waffle before?” Hood asked, from where he was currently whisking his batter. And damn him for somehow looking wonderful even while blindfolded and half covered in flour. It had to be the body armor... right?

Nightwing was behind him, walking across the floor on his hands as he made his way to the sink. No one seemed to question it.

“Well... I mean, I’ve made Eggos? Do those count?”

Hood turned and stared at him with the most deadpan expression imaginable. Which is impressive, seeing as his eyes and half of his face were covered by the red infinity scarf wrapped around his head. “You think... that putting pieces of bread in a toaster, could possibly be considered experience for making waffles from scratch.”

“I mean... if you make that into an analogy, isn’t that basically exactly how we all became vigilantes?”

A pause.

“Explain.” Robin said.

“Well not you. But the rest of us. Experience ain’t shit, but we jumped into the fight anyways and somehow Batman was like, ‘yep, I want that one too.’”

Nightwing stood up and blinked several times.

The scene cut.

* * *

“Guys. We have a problem.” Nightwing announced.

“What?”

“We only have one waffle maker.”

They all looked down at their bowls of various types of waffle batter. Well, all except Red Hood, who was currently looking into the middle distance, body turned slightly away from the actual group. Still, it was impressive that he hadn’t cracked an egg onto the counter or something yet.

“I call dibs!” Signal, Hood, and Nightwing yelled at the same time, before turning to each other and proceeding to decide to fight over it.

An egg flew through the air and cracked open on the red scarf across Red Hood’s face. Hood paused, head tilted upwards, before a feral grin replaced his previous neutral expression. “Oh, you’re fucking on.”

Meanwhile, Robin was using the waffle maker.

* * *

“So... the only one of you who actually made a waffle was Robin...” Spoiler said slowly. The scene cut to show Red Hood, Signal, and Nightwing all covered in raw eggs, flour, batter, sugar, salt, and... was that milk? Oh god, what was that in Nightwing’s hair? Please, don’t let that be smashed blueberry...

Robin however, only had small dustings of flour across his clothes and a proud smirk on his face. In his hands, was a plate with a perfectly golden waffle.

He handed over his plate along with two forks and syrup. Spoiler happily smiled and took a bite of it.

She cringed slightly, “It’s a bit... salty. But,” she took another bite. “Overall, not bad.”

“At least it exists,” Black Bat said, before taking a bite. She frowned. “You think it’s salty?”

Spoiler poured a large amount of syrup over the waffle, “Only a bit. I’d still buy it at a restaurant.”

Robin smirked. “I take it I won then?”

“Obviously. These idiots threw their batter on each other. Also, one of you has to clean the floors—“ Spoiler pointed her fork at them.

“Not again,” Nightwing hung his head. “I’ll get the mop...”

* * *

Comments:

“Omg Robinnnnnn”

“I Stan One Legend and his Name is Robin”

“Hood’s batter looked like it was going so well until it ended up covering Signal’s face”

“Where’s RR????” I miss him”

“iLL gEt tHe mOp”

“I’m dead”

“Why is Hood blindfolded?”

“Cause he’s too powerful with his sight”

“Hood spinning legit made me laugh out loud”

“He’s buffering”

“One moment please. Red Hood.exe is loading”

“Robin using the waffle maker in the background as Signal dumped a bag of flour onto Nightwing’s head was Peak Comedy”


	126. B is Having a Crisis: Do Not Interrupt

Tim was skateboarding to relieve stress. Well, kinda. He was skateboarding for fun AND to relieve stress.

What stress, you ask? Long story short, Wayne Enterprises.

Moving on. For the record, he’d like to mention that his 18th birthday is in a month, but something tells him that life will be crazy for entirely different reasons once that rolls around.

“Sup Timmy,” Duke called from where he’d strolled into the room.

Oh, this is probably the point where Tim mentions that he’s skateboarding in the living room. The formal living room, in case you were wondering. Cause nothing relieves stress like doing a kick flip on a velvet couch.

“Hey Duke. How was the waffle contest?”

“What you didn’t see the video?”

“Only thing I’ve been seeing is PowerPoint presentations.”

“Uh... okay. Well Damian won.”

Tim faltered, mostly in surprise, fell off his skateboard, and crashed headfirst into a vase on the table. Luckily, he had enough sense to catch the vase. Didn’t fix the throbbing in his head though...

“Damian won?” He asked, holding the vase with one hand, his forehead with the other, and his eyes wide in complete shock. His skateboard was currently rolling away from him. He squinted at the skateboard, feeling like it had betrayed him. Twice, actually, but that’s only because he had yet to fix the horrendous paint job Damian had given it. 

“Yeah... Dick, Jay, and I kinda got into a food fight over who could use the waffle maker and...” Duke trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“And Damian used the waffle maker, got it.” Tim concluded. He set the vase back down where it was supposed to be, and lifted his hand off of his forehead, even though his head still felt weird.

You know that weird feeling when you run into a doorframe? That mix between pain and confusion that nullifies into just _weird_. Yeah that, Tim was experiencing that.

Tim squinted at the sandwich in Duke’s hand. When was the last time he’d eaten? Or slept? Or had *gasp* water?

Probably breakfast yesterday.

Oh well.

He pulled his eyesight away from the sandwich, just in time to see Duke’s face light up. “Dude, dude—“

“What?” Tim raised an eyebrow, though he knew very well what this facial expression meant. Duke had a video idea.

Tim was pretty sure it didn’t involve him getting food, water, or sleep.

“You gotta teach Batman how to skateboard.”

* * *

Seeing Batman wobble around on a skateboard was almost comical. His shoulders were like, twice the width of the board, and the fact that the board Bats was using was detailed with the Superman logo wasn’t helping Tim keep his composure.

“No, not—“ Tim pointed at Bruce’s feet. “You did the thing again.”

Batman looked down at his feet, rolled his eyes (which only a Bat could tell because of the white out lenses), and then moved his heel about two centimeters back to the left.

“Better.”

* * *

Tim didn’t think watching Bruce, a 46 year old man, wipe out in the batcave because he tried to do a trick and it failed miserably, would be as funny as it was. But here he is, shaking with laughter.

“You are a horrible teacher.” Bruce grunted out.

Tim raised his hands in mock offense, “Am I though? You’re rolling around on the board and already moved on to tricks and its been what, 30 minutes?”

Bruce grunted but didn’t respond. Heh, got him.

“Try it again. But with less falling this time.”

Tim could see the twitch of Bruce’s fingers, probably in annoyance, but it really looked a lot like the twitch Damian’s fingers would do right before he flipped Tim off.

Like son like father?

Tim smirked. Imagine, just... imagine, if could he annoy Bruce enough to get him to flip him off.

It would be amazing, if he could.

Tim’s stomach growled. He ignored it.

“Your back foot is wrong and you need to bend your knees more, unless you want to face plant into the floor again.” He called out.

Bruce fixed it and continued with what he was trying to do. Tim opened his phone to see 10 messages from Tam.

He took a long suffering sigh, read over them, and was just about to respond when—

_Crash!_

Tim’s gaze snapped up in time to watch Batman slip on the board, have the boarding go rocketing out from under him, crash into display cases, knock over Jason’s Robin era costume, go out the other side, and careen into the medbay. Meanwhile Bruce was going the exact opposite direction, just barely missing the corner of the desk, instead hitting the railing, and flipping over it, disappearing out of sight.

Tim barked out a laugh before covering his mouth.

Silence filled the Cave.

“Uh... B? You okay?”

“No.”

“You want help—“

“No.”

“O... kay... do you want—“

“No. Just let me die here.”

A very long pause filled the room. Tim’s stomach growled again.

“Alright, well... don’t stay there too long. Agent A will have a fit if you’re still there in an hour. I’m gonna—“ he pointed awkwardly to the door. “Food.”

And with that he left.

He held his laughter in until he got to the kitchen.

Which was honestly a miracle.

That didn’t stop him from collapsing over the counter in a fit of laughter that shook his entire body.

Dick stared at him.

“What happened?”

“I tried to—“ Tim sucked in a breath. “I tried to teach Bruce to skateboard.”

Dick snorted. “Oh god, what happened.”

“He wiped out. Shattered Jason’s display case. He’s still laying on the floor in defeat.”

“Pff—“ Dick covered his mouth, trying not to laugh. Tim could hear him whisper, “that’s not funny, that’s not funny, that’s not— that’s not funny. Why would that be funny? It’s not.”

Which only made Tim laugh harder.

“Okay, what are you fuckers laughing about this time?” Jason half-yelled from the doorway as he strolled in.

Tim’s gaze snapped up, “Oh great you’re here. I need food.”

Jason grabbed the nearest object to him, which happened to be Dick’s phone, and threw it at Tim’s head. “I’m not your maid.”

Tim didn’t even duck in time, instead getting smacked in the head yet again.

Jason squinted in suspicion. “Okay, anyone in this family could’ve dodged that easy.”

Tim rolled his eyes while rubbing his forehead (again), “Well that was kinda what I was getting at. Last time I ate was breakfast yesterday, I think.”

Dick, who had previously been frozen in offense at his phone being taken from his hands and chucked across the room, gasped. “How— _TIM!_ ”

“I know I know, I’ve just—“ He couldn’t even finish the sentence due to Dick grabbing the nearest food item, an entire loaf of bread, and stuffing it in Tim’s face.

“Eat—“

Tim spluttered around the bread, “I can’t—“ He swatted the loaf away, which failed, to which he tried more drastic measures, and slapped his brother across the face. “I can’t eat that, dumbass. It’s still in the wrapping. Also I was hoping for something more... I don’t know, _interesting_ than a loaf of bread.”

Dick pouted, but set the bread down. “You have to take care of yourself—“

“I am. That’s why I’m asking Jason to make me food.” Tim grinned and turned to Jason, only to find Jason already cracking an egg over a pan, muttering, “This child. This absolute insane child. Not eating since yesterday—“

Tm was really tempted to ask Jason about the whole not being his maid thing, but decided that he was really, really hungry, so he held his tongue.

“I also haven’t had water or sleep.” He decided to ask.

Jason’s gaze snapped to his, harsh and angry.

“Either get yourself some water, or I’ll call Damian in here to come murder you with that loaf of bread.”

Well that was a terrifying thought.

Safe to say, Tim got himself some water.

Five minutes later, Jason was slamming a plate with about seven different types of food on it in front of Tim, growling, “Eat goddammit.”

Tim rolled his eyes, suddenly very tempted to feed the meal to one of Damian’s pets. “What did you use the food pyramid to make this? Jeez...” He didn’t even know where to start.

Jason huffed, “Better than you starving yourself.”

“Awww you do care.”

Jason slapped him across the head, “Of course I care, dipshit. Now eat before I go get the demon spawn and see if he actually knows how to murder someone with a loaf of bread.”

Well that was _still_ a terrifying thought.

* * *

“Uh...” Duke looked around the Cave. Jason’s display case was shattered and his old Robin suit knocked over, along with various other things not looking how they should. “What...?”

His only thought process was, ‘a villain must’ve broken in.’

So imagine his surprise when he heard a disgruntled, “Go away, Duke. Let me die here.” From behind and to the left of the Batcomputer.

“B?”

“I said go away.”

“Are you okay?”

“No. Go away.”

“What... what happened?” Duke was beyond bewildered. Wasn’t Tim supposed to be teaching Bruce to skatebo— Oh. “Uh, you know what, I think I will go... uhm, enjoy your suffering, B.”

Duke heard a very quietly muttered, “thank you” as he left the Cave.

* * *

A couple hours later, Damian walked down, Titus at his heels, intending to do some light exercise, only to find a piece of paper taped to the door.

“B is having a Crisis. Do Not Interrupt.”

Damian raised an eyebrow, considered the note for a moment, and then turned back the way he came.


	127. #onlyingotham

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* look, I don’t know why it took me 24 days to write this chapter other than a mix of writing block and the first 4 times I wrote it it didn’t have the right vibes so I kept deleting the entire chapter and starting over. 
> 
> Good news: this has the Vibes I wanted.

“Alright, so Steph and I have patrol,” Dick said, from where he was currently hanging upside down off the staircase. Steph gave him a thumbs up. “Which means the rest of you aren’t allowed to do anything fun without us.”

“Damn,” Jason snapped his fingers. “That’s a shame, I was gonna drag Duke, Tim, and Damian into a game of paint twister.”

Dick scowled at him. “Don’t you dare. I’m not pulling out the mop again.”

Cass frowned, “ _I was going to pierce Jason’s ears while he slept, but okay, ruin my dreams_.” She signed.

“ _You were gonna what?!_ ” Jason exclaimed while also signing, taking a dramatic step backwards, while Tim (who had been mostly asleep, his face pressed into Jason’s back) fell backwards and onto the floor, his eyes snapping open in confusion.

Damian was openly laughing. “Yes, and I was planning on breaking into the nearest makeup store so I could give Drake a makeover. His eye bags need a generous amount of concealer. Maybe with enough bronzer he’ll look less like a zombie, too.”

Tim blinked, mumbling out a “Heyy, I don’t— look...“ and then he was asleep again.

Dick frowned at him, seriously wondering what was happening that was making Tim burn the candle at both ends. Get some rest, smol child.

“Please, don’t do any of that. Jason, take Timmy up to his room, and maybe cuff him to his bed for good measure. Dami, Cass, no makeovers allowed. B already had one crisis today, he doesn’t need another.”

Duke smirked, “Right right, course. Do you want me to run comms for you two?”

“Sure,” Steph said, and then did a cartwheel over to where Dick was still hanging off the handrails, “Let’s get dressed, Birdy.”

* * *

Patrol was... so normal at first.

What the fuck went wrong?

Steph supposes it happened sometime around when Nightwing found a razor scooter in the dumpster he’d fallen into.

Wait no.

Before that.

It probably went wrong around the time Nightwing tried to talk down the “suicide jumper” on the roof. Except then the jumper wasn’t actually a jumper?? (Steph wasn’t sure on that one) Cause then instead of jumping, the guy pulled out a cartoon mallet like real life had suddenly become a Tom and Jerry cartoon and _BONKED_! Nightwing right on the head and yelled “HA PRANKED!” before turning tail, winking at Steph and doing finger guns as he whispered “got ‘em.”

And Steph, who had been so confused by that, had almost missed the moment when Nightwing had done the unthinkable: he’d lost his balance. And then attempted to right it by falling backwards into a back walkover only to forget that he was on a roof.

Steph probably would be laughed if she A) wasn’t so confused and B) had actually managed to see Dick’s surprised expression upon realizing that there was nothing under where he was trying to put his feet, which led to him panicking as he fell two stories into a dumpster.

...hence how he found the razor scooter.

Now, why anyone would trash such a pristine and precious object such as a High Quality Razor Scooter is beyond Steph.

...perhaps it was the squeaky back wheel.

...or perhaps the bell permanently attached to the handle bars via Gorilla Glue that rings anytime you go over a bump (aka how sidewalks work).

....or perhaps it was the fact that the scooter was such an obnoxious shade of Fanta orange and Seven Up green that Steph got a headache just by looking at it.

(And yes. It was dark out.) (Yes, that would typically mute the colors.) (No, those rules do not apply to this scooter.) (Nor do any others.)

And then they were going to the Dunkin’ Donuts drive through, one of the few places in Gotham still open during both quarantine and the middle of the goddamn night.

You see, the Dunkin Donuts in Gotham is completely different from all of the other Dunkin Donuts in the country because this one ran 22/7 for no reason other than the workers discovered that A) Gotham city cops have to deal with the craziest of shit and really need their coffee and donuts and B) the Bats can and will get donuts at two AM and yes, some of them do sign autographs.

As far as Dunkin Donuts goes, Steph would say that the Gotham City location is the only one that’s actually successful. And by that she means that people will apply for jobs solely because they want an autograph from Nightwing and will keep the job because the most Bizarre things happen when a Bat shows up to that drive thru.

Like now, for instance.

As she rides on top of Nightwing’s shoulders, looking through her night vision binoculars to see if there’s any criminal activities going on, while Nightwing tests how fast he can go on a rusty, bell ringing, tire squeaking, smells-like-shit-because-they-just-pulled-it-out-of-a-dumpster (oh wait, maybe that’s Nightwing) razor scooter.

The answer is: faster than she feels safe going.

Which is exactly why she whoops and yells “ _FASTER_!”

(They swear, they are productive vigilantes. There is an entire gang being processed at GCPD right now as we speak. They are adults. Well she’s an almost adult. They are 1 and 9/10ths of an adult. They know when to fight crime and when to terrify the workers of the Dunkin Donuts. Now is spooky time.)

And that’s how some poor Dunkin Donuts worker opened the drive thru window to find Spoiler on top of Nightwing’s shoulders with the both of them screaming “ _DONUTS! DONUTS! DONUTS!_ ”

The horror in the girl’s eyes.......

Obviously she was new.

In the back, someone who clearly wasn’t new to the bullshit known as the Robin’s Club, sighed and said something under his breath that Steph would bet Tim 100 bucks that she didn’t have that he’d mumbled “#onlyingotham” before proceeding to order people around to grab one of each type of donut they sold.

Good to know that he was a cultured man.

“Autographs anyone?” Nightwing said below her, before pausing. “Well... I might not be able to do that...”

“Uh... do you think I could get a signature from Black Bat?” The girl who was originally working the drive thru asked.

“Oh yah, definitely.” Steph spoke up confidently. “Assuming she’s not trying to pierce Red Hood’s ears.”

“She better not...” Dick grumbled.

The confused looks from the workers could probably beat Steph’s from the roof incident. Maybe.

And then the mumbling guy who knew what was up— oh, his name tag said Sean, that’s nice— handed over three boxes filled with donuts. “One donut of every type. Have a good night, try not to get shot or anything.”

“You got it!” Spoiler exclaimed, saluting. And then Nightwing was off again, scootering down the street like a madman.

As they left, Steph heard the girl ask “Wait, don’t they need to pay?”

Followed by, “Oh they will. Give them a week and a bag of cash will show up in the cardboard box in the corner by the ovens. That’s why it’s there. They usually pay three times what it actually costs, the extra is for tips.”

“Oh. Is this.... normal?”

“Yeah, you didn’t read the handbook did you?”

“No... was I supposed to?”

“I mean, most of it is bullshit, but there’s an entire section for what to do when the vigilantes show up. There’s also a section for when the villains show up. Kinda important ‘round here.”

“Oh.”

* * *

**DepressedDonutwithChronicAnxiety** changed their username to **BlackBatSl*t4Life**

**BlackBatSl*t4Life** uploaded a new video

* * *

“AHHHHH OH MY GOD GUYS SO I GOT A JOB AT DUNKIN DONUTS LAST WEEK CAUSE IM BROKE AS FUCK AND NEEDED MONEY AND I’M NEW TO GOTHAM TOO AND APPARENTLY THE BATFAM ARE REGULARS THERE?????”

The girl stopped for a moment to catch her breath before excitedly holding up a drawing of a bat with a gracefully signed “black bat” in the corner.

“AND NIGHTWING AND SPOILER SHOWED UP SCREAMING FOR DONUTS AND I ASKED IF I COULD GET A SIGNATURE FROM BLACK BAT AND—“ She shook the paper around excitedly. “AGAKNFBSMNSVHS I DID I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND THIS WAS PINNED ON MY REFRIGERATOR AND I JUST ABOUT PASSED OUT RIGHT THEN AND THERE OH MY GAWD—“

“I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THAT WORKING AT DUNKIN DONUTS IS THE BEST JOB EVER BUT— AHHHHHHH!”

The video ended there.

Comments:

“Welcome to Gotham”

“Omg the bats posted a tik tok about it too and ur description does NOT do the chaos justice”

“Like NW and Spoils showed up essentially playing Chicken while riding a trash-razor scooter and this girl was legit only thinking about black bat”

“Me tho.”

“Okay but in the RobinsandtheBat’s vid one of the workers just muttered #onlyingotham and proceeded to give them basically all of the donuts in the shop and I just— I stan that guy.”

“Can we have a spin-off account of the adventures of that Dunkin Donuts worker that led to him not even batting an eye the absolute absurdity that is the Bats?”

“Please”

“He was less surprised by their shit than Batman himself”

“New Conspiracy Theory: that WAS Batman. He works at Dunkin Donuts because no one would believe that THE Batman would work at a shitty coffee store”


	128. Chaotic Family Bonding feat. High School Musical

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KP: *Watching the Wonder music video by Shawn Mendes*  
> Me: *Leans over*  
> Me: kinda looks like bet on it from high school musical  
> KP: no  
> Me: *Pulls up the song*  
> Us: *Compares the dance moves*  
> KP: *Has a mental break down*

It was a week later when Tim crashed face first onto the couch with a loud groan of “fuck responsibility, I wanna crawl in a hole and avoid everything.”

To which Steph replied with a “same” without looking up from her phone.

And to which Jason glanced up at Tim and hummed out, “I can probably arrange that.”

To which Dick shook his head in disappointment and Duke raised one eyebrow, like he was considering asking Jason to do that for him as well.

And Cass merely walked over to Tim and gently patted his head in sympathy, to which Tim minutely raised his head in acknowledgment.

“Alright, spill.” Damian huffed. “You’ve been working for the last two weeks, have barely been home, and you’re worrying Richard, which is making the rest of us worried.” Ah yes, that would be Damian speak for I’m-worried-about-you-but-can’t-act-like-it-so-I-must-pin-it-on-Richard.

Tim merely groaned again. “You’ll see. I have a press conference tomorrow about it.”

“A press conference?” Dick asked, interested.

“Yeah. Hence the fuck responsibility. I don’t want to deal with Vicki Vale.”

“That’s fair,” Steph said, still not looking up from her phone. “Isn’t she the one that posted that article about you and Tam being engaged?”

“That’s the one. She’s also the reporter closest to uncovering my identity, at least, she was. Until I had Megan shapeshift into me and I got ‘shot’ and had ‘severe nerve damage’. It’s kind of a long story.” Tim’s face was still buried into the couch, voice muffled by the cushions.

“Shot? Severe nerve damage? Am I missing something here?” Duke asked.

“It was faked.” Dick supplied.

Tim hummed something of an affirmation.

“Well, whatever’s going on that you won’t tell us about seems to be stressing you out. I say we do movie night.” Dick declared.

“Oh yes!” Jason exclaimed, “I wanna watch Enola Holmes.”

“Agreed,” Steph and Cass agreed immediately. “And spa night.”

“And spa night?” Damian asked.

“And spa night,” Steph, Cass, and Dick all replied in unison.

Movie and spa night it is.

* * *

“So, we’ve got the face masks, the cucumbers, the foot soak, the nail polish, and the lotion. Are we missing anything?” Jason asked.

“The snacks,” Tim replied from where he was currently trying to balance about 20 different nail polish bottles in his hands. It wasn’t going well.

“Shit, snacks—“ Jason spun in a circle for a moment, looking around like he was trying to find someone to go get the snacks. Or maybe Jason had just stopped functioning properly for a moment?

“Fuck, oh god— ah—“ Tim dropped one bottle of nail polish, which led to more of them falling quickly. “Oh god oh fuck wait fuck—“

“Anyone want brownies?” Jason finally decided.

“And cookies!” Cass said as she bounded into the movie room with a mountain of pillows and blankets in her arms.

“Brownies and cookies, got it.” Jason mumbled, leaving the room to start his baking endeavor.

“Do we have the stuff to apply the masks or are we just gonna go at it with our hands?” Dick asked from where he was inspecting the face mask stuff.

“Uh... might wanna get something for that.” Duke said.

“Like what? A spatula?”

“Uh no, definitely not.”

“WHERE ARE THE FUCKING DORITOS?” Steph yelled from where she was shifting through the stuff on the coffee table. “I brought Doritos!”

Damian pointedly didn’t say anything as he slowly put a Dorito in his mouth.

“Fuck, oh god— who gave me the nail polish—“ Tim was still struggling, trying to cradle all of the nail polish in his arms, but still having them fall. “Someone please help me.”

Steph, instead of helping, glared at him. “Did _YOU_ take my Doritos?”

“Fuck— as if I could— no wait not the gold, fuck— as if I could carry anything else—“ Tim managed out, eyes wide as he tried to catch all of the falling nail polish.

Dick, taking pity on Tim, was at least kind enough to start picking up the ones Tim dropped.

“Seriously guys! I really want those Doritos!”

Damian huffed, “They’re probably just hidden under something. Look harder.”

“I AM LOOKING HARDER!”

Damian tutted and left the room, making an off handed comment about going to help Todd with the desserts. And hidden under his hoodie was a bright red bag of classic nacho cheese Doritos.

Not that Brown needed to know that.

* * *

“Alright, cookies are done and brownies are in the oven! And Damian made popcorn, so we’re all set.” Jason announced, walking into the room with a large plate of cookies. Damian trailed behind him with four massive bowls of popcorn.

“Uh... you good there Steph?” Jason asked tentatively, raising an eyebrow.

Steph was laying face down on the floor. “ _No_. I can’t find my Doritos...”

“Oh. Uh... Rip.” Jason said, and then set the plate of cookies down on the coffee table.

“Are we ready now?” Damian asked, placing the bowls of popcorn on various tables around the room, so everyone would be able to reach at least one of them.

“Totally. We’ve got Enola Holmes pulled up already, and Dick suggested binge watching all of Unus Annus after that.”

“I’m down.”

“Great, Tim, are you ready?”

Tim, who was carefully inspecting the nail polish glanced up at them, expression entirely serious. “Do you think black nail polish looks professional? I’m not sure if I should wear any because of the press conference.”

“If the press doesn’t like your pretty nails, they can go fuck themselves.” Cass said confidently.

They all gaped at her.

“Whoo!! What she said, fuck the press!” Jason exclaimed, pumping a fist into the air.

(And that’s how Bruce Wayne walked into the movie room at 8:30 PM to find all of his children chanting “Fuck the press! Fuck the press!” while surrounded by various beauty products and food.)

(He was not proud, by the way. No, that would be ridiculous. He is a full grown man and a Father, dammit. He has a responsibility to enforce the rules and tell his children not to cuss.)

(But no one ever said he was good at being a father...)

“Fuck the press,” He joined in, walking into the room and grabbing a cookie off the tray.

HIs children all paused, staring at him.

He smirked.

They roared with laughter.

* * *

Some thirty minutes later, Jason— with his face covered in a mask and his feet still wet from the water his feet had been soaking in— got the brownies from the kitchen and brought them back to the movie room.

Alfred, with his face mask to match, took one gleefully. “Why thank you, master Jason.”

“Anything for you, Alfie.” Jason said, picking one up and shoving it in his mouth before passing the plate over to Cass, who was painting Tim’s nails onyx.

“Hey, gimme one.” Steph called from the couch. Damian nodded his agreement beside her.

“You two have Doritos, eat those first.” Dick teased from where he was laying on the floor, mask on his face and cucumbers over his eyes.

Duke, who was leaning against Bruce on the other end of the couch, reached out for a brownie too. Cass passed two over, one for Bruce and one for Duke, and they settled in to eat them as they watched the movie.

“So, should I go for blue polish?” Dick asked from the floor. “Or should I be edgy like Tim?”

“Blue, definitely. Edgy is a bad look on you.” Steph joked.

“The day golden boy goes edgy is the day we’re all gonna have to start calling him Rick or something.” Jason replied, plopping down onto the couch.

“Rick?” Dick asked. “Seriously?”

“Ric without the k,” Tim added, a smirk on his face.

Various noises of disgust filled the air.

“As horrifying as that is, can we actually pay attention to the movie?” Bruce asked.

“Party pooper,” Steph muttered, but still, the room got quieter to pay attention to the Goddess that is Millie Bobby Brown.

* * *

“Hey Alfie, do you want your nails painted?” Dick asked, his royal blue nails having just finished drying.

“I think I’m far too old for that, Master Dick.”

“No such thing,” Steph said.

“Yeah, even Bruce is getting his nails done. Even if they are black to match his I-am-the-night aesthetic.” Duke added.

Bruce rolled his eyes, “Of course I chose black, I’m not about to look ridiculous and choose hot pink.”

“Hey! There is nothing wrong with hot pink!” Jason defended, pressing a hand to his chest where his pink nails were clearly on display.

Tim chuckled, “You look great, Jaybird, B is just saying that he couldn’t pull off something so fabulous like you can.”

Bruce grunted, muttering very quietly, “that’s not at all what I was saying, but okay.”

Meanwhile, Dick and Steph seemed to have had the exact same thought process at Tim’s words, immediately breaking into song. “ _I want fabulous, that is my simple request, all things fabulous, bigger and better and best, I need something inspiring to help me get along, I need a little fabulous is that so wrong?_ ”

“Absolutely,” Cass chimed in.

“ _NOT_!”

They all broke out laughing.

“Okay okay, but hear me out on this.” Duke started. Everyone quieted down to listen. “Tim, but he’s Troy singing Bet On It.”

Tim gaped.

“YES!” Jason cackled, throwing his head back in laughter. Everyone else joined him.

Alfred chuckled, “Is this perhaps another tik tok I sense?”

* * *

“Guys... do we have a golf course?”

* * *

“Tim, you better put that memory of yours to work and learn these dance moves. You’re about to give the best damn performance of your career.”

* * *

“Guys, I have a press conference in 4 hours. We gotta be quick about this.”

“Yeah yeah, as soon as we stop laughing our asses off.”

* * *

[Red Robin’s Theme Song: Tik Tok](https://youtu.be/k-t4vqd534Y)

Comments: 

“AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA”

“THE DEDICATION”

“BRUH HE NAILED IT!!! ALL OF IT!!!! THE INTENSITY!!!! THE DRAMATIC DANCING!!!!! WHAT A FUCKING LEGEND”

“2007 me: zac efron is the shit. 2020 me: Red Robin is the shit”

“Red Robin: aggressively has a mental breakdown while singing and dancing on a golf course. The other golfers: 👁👄👁”

“I never thought I’d see Red Robin, in full gear, aggressively lip syncing to Bet On It from high school musical but goddamn my eyes have been BLESSED”

“Your eyes? Nah fam, my SOUL has been blessed. My very being. I’ve finally found the secret to life”

“I really wanna know the context behind this, like what prompted a full blown remake of this scene? Why Red Robin? What were they t h i n k i n g ?”

“This song was MY JAM when I was 7 years old and now its my JAM again but this time I get to see RR running around a golf course, cape flapping in the wind and lemme tell you— I am in love”

“Petition to have NW sing Fabulous by Sharpay”

“Idk I was thinking he’d nail go my own way”

“Oh he totally would but then he’d hit us all with puppy eyes bigger than the moon as he does and i can’t emotionally handle that”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* we’re in the endgame now
> 
> (Also, sorry the chapter took so long, I’ve just been busy simping over corpse husband)
> 
> (Also while getting the vid for this chap, I ended up watching the “I don’t dance” video too and I’m not saying I ship those two but—)


	129. The Announcement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Screams eternally* those of you who follow my tumblr know what’s up

**“BREAKING NEWS: WAYNE ENTERPRISES IS THE FIRST TO DEVELOP A WORKING VACCINE FOR THE CORONAVIRUS — WILL DISTRIBUTED TO HOSPITALS AROUND THE WORLD BY THE END OF THE WEEK”**

**“WAYNE ENTERPRISES CEO TIMOTHY WAYNE MAKES A PUBLIC STATEMENT REGARDING THE VACCINE”**

**“WAYNE ENTERPRISES BOASTS A VACCINE THAT HAS PASSED ALL TRIALS”**

**“WAYNE ENTERPRISES WORKING WITH VACCINE MANUFACTURING PLANTS AND OTHER CORPORATIONS WORLDWIDE TO PRODUCE CORONAVIRUS VACCINE ON A SCALE UNHEARD OF BEFORE”**

**“WAYNE ENTERPRISES PAIRING WITH THE JUSTICE LEAGUE TO PRODUCE AND DISTRIBUTE THE VACCINE”**

**“TIMOTHY WAYNE SPEAKS ABOUT THE WORK BEHIND THIS MASSIVE BREAK THROUGH AND WHAT IT WILL MEAN FOR THE WORLD”**

* * *

“Reporting live from outside Wayne Enterprises, I’m Nora Mirth. It’s not often nowadays that press conferences are held due to the coronavirus, but CEO Timothy Wayne has called one for today, and I can only hope that he brings good news.

“The young CEO is only 17 years old, and will be turning 18 in a month, but over the course of the last few months, he’s been credited with dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic in the most efficient way possible for leading a corporation of this size at such a young age.

“Back in March, when COVID first took root in America, Wayne made a point to back off from his duties as the CEO, citing multiple health concerns on his behalf as well as those of his family members— his family butler in particular. Instead, placing charge in the hands of family friends in the company that were not at risk like he was. Additionally, he began implementing a work-at-home program for his employees before Gotham was locked down into quarantine, meaning that most of his employees were already used to working from home before it became the norm.

“I’ve spoken with various WE employees over the past few months through zoom meetings due to rumors over how Wayne Enterprises was handling the pandemic and in each interview I’ve heard one thing— none of them were in unemployment. In fact, Timothy Wayne and several other members of the board took massive pay cuts in order to not only keep paying their employees, but to even pay them more than previously. Wayne has made no comment on the subject, however, but he has also donated millions to charity funds and even made one of his own, which has become one of the largest benefactors towards the COVID relief fund in the world.

Timothy Wayne will be stepping out soon to begin this conference—“

“Okay, did you guys know Tim was doing all of this or am I the only one who had no idea?” Steph asked.

“I mean, he told me parts of it.” Jason said. “But I didn’t know he was actually doing _that_ much.”

“No clue,” Dick chimed in, shaking his head. “Honestly, I thought Babybird was too busy with the tik toks to even remember that he had a company to run.”

“Same,” Duke said.

They were all gathered around the tv in the formal living room, watching the news coverage for the press conference Tim had mentioned. He’d specifically made them all stay home, saying, “I don’t need Damian dumping five gallons of paint on me on national tv again.”

Which was fair.

Luckily, Damian was too immersed with the many pets currently surrounding him to try sneaking off to prank Tim anyways.

On the tv, the shutter sounds of cameras increased.

“He’s here—“ The reporter said, and they all saw Tim walk on stage.

“Did anyone else forget that Tim actually looks really hot in a suit, or is that just me?” Steph commented.

“Pff, he looks ridiculous to me.” Damian replied. Dick reached over and cuffed his head.

“Be nice.”

Damian rolled his eyes.

On the tv, Tim raised a hand, and the crowd of reporters went silent.

“Hello,” he said, leaning into the microphone slightly. “I’m Tim Drake-Wayne, current CEO of Wayne Enterprises. Though I’m sure you all know that already.” He joked.

The reporters chuckled with him and relaxed a bit from their previously tense postures.

Duke squinted, “How does he do that?”

Jason shrugged, “I dunno. Usually when I try speaking to crowds, someone yells at me or shoots me. Then again, last time I spoke to a crowd, I was holding an AK-47.”

Cass laughed quietly while Dick shot Jason a glare that meant ‘not funny.’

“Over the last several months, the world has experienced trial after trial, and I can really sum 2020 up in one word: shitty. Pardon my language,” Tim smiled. “From the Australia wildfires and various WW3 threats, to the COVID-19 pandemic, black lives matter movements, the wildfires in California and the hurricanes sweeping across the east coast, I think we’ve all been subject to a bit too much stress for one year. And most of that is located in just America, let’s not even get started with everything else that’s happening in the world.

“But now, Wayne Enterprises is hoping to make things much easier for everyone. Scientists and researchers across various departments in WE have spent months working with doctors and other facilities around the world to make a vaccine possible. And it is with great pleasure, that I say we have succeeded.”

The reporters immediately exploded with questions.

“Wait is he serious?” Jason asked, wide eyed. “No wonder he was fucking being so mysterious, this is crazy.”

Tim raised a hand, trying to calm the reporters down. After a minute or so, they did. He smiled, teeth showing and eyes crinkling. “I’m glad to see you’re all so excited about it. For the past week, Wayne Enterprises has been working up to this moment, in which we break the news to you that we have made a working vaccine for the coronavirus and are already in the process of working with companies and hospitals around the world in order to get it produced and distributed globally.

“The vaccine has been in existence for over two months now, and has since gone through extreme testing to make sure it’s safe for as many people as possible. Three different types have been made, one made for those who aren’t at risk for COVID, one for people with a comprised immune system like myself, and one for the members of the population that are from different planets. All three vaccines have been distributed to several thousand volunteers globally after passing the initial stages of testing, however to keep things under wraps until the official announcement— this one— they were listed under several different names for secrecy’s sake.

“However, now that the vaccine has passed all tests, Wayne Enterprises is ready to share it with the world. And my job right now, is to tell you how we will be doing that.

“We’ve already partnered with hospitals, research plants, and manufacturing plants all around the world and are in the process of making not thousands, not millions, but billions of vaccines. Estimates say that in three months time, enough vaccines will have been made to distribute one to every single person in the world.

“How will we go about distributing the vaccine though?” Tim asked, rhetorically, taking a pause to breathe for a moment. “Well, for starters, Wayne Enterprises has partnered with the Justice League in order to make transportation easier worldwide. That, and we’ve already made arrangements to have several other forms of transportation ready to bring the vaccine to hospitals, clinics, and what I’ve dubbed ‘Vaccine Stations’ which will be set up by Wayne Enterprises to assist in the distribution of the vaccine.

“To put it more simply, I’ve spent the last two weeks working with several people from Wayne Enterprises to make sure everything from the manufacturing of the vaccine to the actually getting it to the people part is well planned out and taken care of in order for this process to go as smoothly as possible so we can all get back to living normal lives.”

“Wow,” Dick breathed. “That was a lot. How did he even manage to set all of this up without anyone knowing?”

The other members of the room just shook their heads in disbelief.

“I think that’s all I have to say.” Tim finished. “Questions?”

The reporters erupted with noise, and Tim, to his credit, only winced slightly at the barrage of screaming.

“Yes?” He asked, pointing to a man at the front.

“Hi— James Olsen with the Daily Planet— have you met anyone who has taken the vaccine? Or is this all secondhand commentary?”

Tim smiled again, “Good question, Mr Olsen. I can’t say that I personally have met with anyone who has taken the vaccine, but I can say firsthand that it seems to be doing its job.”

More questions immediately sprung up from that.

“Mr Wayne, does that mean you have taken the vaccine yourself?”

“It does, as an at-risk person due to my injury last year, I decided to take the vaccine about two weeks ago, when we began making the major arrangements needed for the process at hand. Next?”

Meanwhile, at Wayne Manor, the kids watching the tv were losing their minds.

“Does this mean I could’ve dragged him to the damn store yesterday instead of having to go by myself?” Jason exclaimed. “Or better yet, I could’ve sent him in alone to deal with all the fucking weirdos there.”

“How does one just TAKE a vaccine for the coronavirus and just NOT tell us?” Dick spluttered.

“He is a mad lad,” Cass commented quietly.

“Mr Wayne! Mr Wayne!” A particularly loud reporter yelled out.

“Yes?” Tim asked, and Jason could see the hints of the facial expression he associated with please-kill-me on Tim’s face.

“What will the price of the vaccine be?”

Tim considered it for a moment, “Wayne Enterprises has not yet determined a specific cost for the vaccine. We want it to be affordable for everyone, but we also will need money to continue making more vaccines. It may very well depend on where you live, how at risk you are, etcétera.”

The reporter did not look satisfied with that response.

“Mr Wayne, you’ve been giving millions of dollars to COVID relief funds recently, how will that change with the introduction of this vaccine?”

“Well, I will certainly be spending that money on the production and distribution of the vaccine, that’s for sure.” Tim joked casually. “I have the time for only a few more questions.” He reminded them, and then gestured to another reporter to let her speak.

“Why all the secrecy regarding the vaccine? Why not let the public know about it throughout the entire testing phase?”

“Ah, well, I am Bruce Wayne’s son, you know. I like to make things dramatic.” Tim laughed, and the reporters joined in at the joke.

“But in all seriousness, I just wanted to make sure that we had everything under control and sorted out before getting the public all excited about it. If anything were to have gone wrong with the pre stages of this process, I would’ve disappointed a lot of people who would’ve been hoping to get the vaccine sooner than it was ready.”

The reporters nodded in understanding.

“Mr Wayne, what are your thoughts on the tik tok account run by Gotham’s local vigilantes? There have been videos taken in your office at Wayne Enterprises, so what were your thoughts on that?”

Dick squawked in surprise. Luckily, Tim kept his cool.

“I think it’s genius.” He responded smoothly. “My siblings and I have spent many hours laughing at those videos recently and I think it really helped us through these hard times, as I’m sure it did for many others. As far as my office being trashed, well, I can handle a bit of glitter in my life.”

“Mr Wayne, can I have a comment regarding your nail polish at the moment?” A reporter yelled out from the back of the group.

Tim glanced up, before looking down at his fingers. Jason could see his lips move as he mouthed something that looked oddly like ‘fuck the press’ before he looked back up at the crowd. “My sister, Cassandra Wayne, painted my nails last night. I think they look amazing, don’t you?” He held up his hand to the crowd, and several cameras flashed.

“Alright,” Tim said, putting his hand back down. “One more question.” He pointed to the final reporter.

“In regards to the vaccine, how do you hope it will change the future and our time moving forward?”

Tim hummed, “Good question. I think it will bring good things to all of us, but also an end to many things we have come to view as the norm. While life will likely go back to how it was before, I think there will also be things that we’ve gained during our time in quarantine that we will miss. This vaccine will let us go back to in person sports, to dining in full restaurants, to grocery shopping without masks, and to sitting in movie theaters and letting children attend school. I personally am really looking forward to that last one, seeing as my brother will be forced to leave me alone for several hours a day now.”

Damian made a very offended noise from where he had a cat sitting on each shoulder, a dog in his lap, another laying across his feet, and yet another cat on top of his head.

“But we will also have to adjust to getting back into these things, and in the process we may lose the alone time we were used to, the time we spent with our families, the freedom we had during quarantine to do the things we wouldn’t usually have the time for, such as learning to cook or draw, or going on walks at the park.

“Going forward, we will have to adjust to yet another ‘new norm’ and I hope that we can all face such an endeavor with confident smiles and open arms. Just like we all got through the pandemic together, we will all get out of it together too.

“Thank you for your time.” Tim finished, flashing another Wayne patented smile before leaving the podium.

“ _Wow_ ,” Steph breathed. “He really did that, didn’t he?”

“He really did,” Duke replied.

“Ya know how people are like ‘hey we’re living something that will be in history text books in the future?’” Jason asked, casually.

Various sounds of agreement filled the air.

“I think Tim just landed himself a whole chapter dedicated to him.”

They all snorted.

“Seriously though, did he just come up with all of that on the spot? How did he sound so professional?” Duke said.

“I don’t know man,” Dick replied. “But I’m just impressed that he kept a straight face when being asked about the account.”

“Yeah, and the nails.”

“It’s funny,” Cass said aloud, before switching to sign language. “ _That that was the guy who fell asleep while walking up the stairs a few days ago._ ”

They all laughed at the thought.

“And the kid who had a mental breakdown over toast,” Jason added.

“No shit.” Steph laughed.

“Timothy is a disaster,” Damian decided. “He just manages to look like he has his life together when in fact he does not at all.”

“Preach,” Duke said off handedly.

“Hey guys...” Dick cut in, sounding kinda alarmed. “Now that COVID isn’t going to be a big problem anymore... what’s gonna happen to the account?”

Silence answered the question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Ask Game for Chapter 130](https://justthatonegirl1815.tumblr.com/post/633420288618594304/ask-game)


	130. The Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HALLOWEEN AND HAPPY CHAPTER 130
> 
> (I had fun with the ask game btw :))
> 
> (Also, to those reading this in the future, just because this fic is done, doesn’t mean that I don’t want to know your thoughts and stuff :) Please feel free to comment, even if it’s been years.)

“Hey guys!” Nightwing waved at the camera. “Welcome to the Batclan’s first and last livestream!”

The chat exploded with a mix of questions and people screaming about how much they love the bats.

“So we’re all here to say a few things,” Nightwing continued, unbothered. “For starters, yes, Batman is here. No, you probably won’t see him.”

“He’s doing his _I-am-the-night I-am-vengeance_ thing.” Red Robin joked, deepening his voice to match Batman’s gravely tone.

The others chuckled at his impression.

“That means he’s hiding in the shadows cause he’s camera shy,” Spoiler explained.

“He’s not camera shy, he’s just a dramatic bitch.” Red Hood joked.

“Aren’t we all?” Signal asked.

There was a beat of silence.

“ _Anyways_ ,” Nightwing cut it. “We have important things to say. Red Robin, this was your account first, and your decision, so you take it away.”

Nightwing stepped away from the camera to go hang out near Robin, who was petting batduck.

“Right,” Red Robin said. “As I’m sure you’ve all heard, Timothy Wayne made an announcement last week regarding having a vaccine for the coronavirus. And this account, as fun as it has been, was only meant to last as long as quarantine did. Well, now that things are going to go back to normal, we have to say goodbye.”

The chat exploded with several WHAT’s.

“It’s not that we want to stop making tik toks, but we all are people first and vigilantes second—“

“Except B,” Red Hood cut in. “He’s Batman first and everything else 10th.”

They all laughed at that.

Red Robin turned back to the camera, “It’s been a lot of fun, guys, and we’re going to post one more video before we leave. Call it a... Batfam Tik Toks Best Moments compilation... kinda. We’ve seen a lot of those posted on youtube and stuff and they’re hilarious, but we’re going to give it our own twist. It’ll be on youtube once this livestream ends, under a new account titled RobinsandtheBat, just like this one. The account and that video will be deleted 24 hours after it’s posted, so don’t forget to watch. And tell everyone you know about it, cause we put a lot of effort into making it the best damn video you’ve ever seen.”

Behind him, there was a sniffle.

“Are you crying?” Red Hood accused.

“Bitch,” Nightwing wiped at his mask. “I mightwing.”

Silence.

Robin facepalmed.

“That was officially the worst joke you’ve ever made.” A voice deadpanned from the shadows.

The chat exploded with “HE SPEAKS!”

Red Robin sighed, “You can’t stop the clock.” He was looking directly at the camera now. “You can only live in the moment. So enjoy the compilation. We all love you guys, you are the reason we fight everyday to make Gotham— and the world— a better, safer place.”

He saluted to the camera, and the rest of the Bats joined in. In the shadowy background, one could even make out the vague form of the Bat himself, waving a small goodbye to the camera.

The livestream ended.

* * *

**MEMENTO MORI — BATFAM TIK TOK COMPILATION**

**Trending #1 Worldwide**

Video length: 36:47

* * *

“ _THE ENTIRE CITY IS ON QUARANTINE, B. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE STILL HAVE TO PATROL?_ ”

The scene shifted to where all of the bats were crowded around the Batcomputer, watching the clip.

“I can’t believe you were filming that, Red.” Nightwing laughed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Iconic,” Hood added. “Absolutely iconic.”

“Thanks,” Red Robin said, voice sounding both sheepish and proud.

“That video is my favorite,” Signal spoke up. “Cuz everyone in the comments thought you were cosplaying.”

“Okay but seriously, spill the beans.” Spoiler spoke up. “When did you decide to make the account?”

“Uh... like five minutes beforehand, and it was originally supposed to be our family doing crazy shit in our civilian personas, cause we are still insane out of costume, but then I walked in on that argument and was enlightened.” Red Robin rubbed the back of his neck, smiling.

“You funky little genius,” Nightwing commented, and threw a hand up in the air. “Next video!”

_The Wii music began playing, laid over a clip of Nightwing doing handsprings down the highway._

“Literally the most iconic video of Nightwing ever created.” Signal said.

“Replacement barged into my room at 3:30 in the goddamn morning to get those clips.” Red Hood commented.

There was a beat of silence. Then Nightwing gasped, “IS _THAT_ WHAT YOU TWO WERE DOING?”

Red Robin snorted, “Oh my god, I forgot you walked in on that.”

“YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE JUST WATCHING TIK TOKS! NOT MAKING THEM!”

Hood cackled, laying a hand on Nightwing’s shoulder. “You sweet summer child, so innocent to the chaos we were creating.”

Nightwing continued spluttering in confusion.

“So... let me get this straight...” Signal put a hand to his temple. “Nightwing walked in on you two making one of the first few videos on the account, and you just... lied to his face about it?”

Red Robin and Red Hood high fived.

“Maniacs, I am surrounded by maniacs.” Signal whispered, looking at the camera directly.

“Shush, Signal.” Robin spoke up. “Didn’t you jump off a bridge at one point?”

“We’ve all jumped off bridges, that’s not special.”

“Ehh...” Spoiler started. “For most people...”

“I think we’ve established that we are not most people,” Black Bat spoke up.

There was no argument to her statement.

“ _Next?”_ She signed.

* * *

“ _HOOOOOOONNNNNNKKKKK_!”

Spoiler cackled at the video of Robin’s turkey getting chased away by the air horn.

Meanwhile, Robin was glaring at Red Robin furiously.

“Soooo...” Nightwing interrupted, casually holding a hand against Robin’s chest to hold him back. “Let’s move on.”

* * *

They all watched the patrol with Batman tik tok with fond faces. Red Robin’s face lit up with glee, “Hey guys, I wanna show you a part of the patrol that I didn’t put in the video.”

He leaned forward towards the computer, opening a file folder, and then another... and another... and another... until he clicked on a video.

“ _B?”_

_“Yes Red?”_

_“Thanks for being my dad.”_

_A small smile. “Always.”_

There stood the fierce vigilantes of Gotham, staring at a screen with wide eyes hidden behind their masks.

“Fuck,” Red Hood said eventually.

“Where’s B?’ Nightwing asked. “I’m literally going to cry.”

“Father is—“

And then a black cape was wrapping around all of them.

The video cut.

* * *

They went through almost every tik tok like that, commenting on things their thoughts about each one.

There was the tik tok where Red Robin signed that random guy’s window, the one where Red Robin YOTED a gun and shot someone in the dick, one where Nightwing did tik tok dances in a shopping cart, on and on. Most of the commentary was laughter followed by, “What a legend.”

During Black Bat’s dance segment, Red Hood got up and left, muttering, “I’m feeling things, one second.”

* * *

“Hey, Replacement.” Red Hood spoke up, pausing the video they had been just about to watch.

“Hm?”

“You remember when you were so sleep deprived that you said the bread emoji out loud?”

“I did what?”

“Oh my god... you don’t remember that?”

“.....no?”

* * *

“Ah yes, the good ole times when I had full control over the account.” Jason reminisced.

“You what?” Nightwing looked offended.

“Yeah, Replacement gave me control after his room got glittered and he fucked off to get revenge.”

Spoiler gasped, “Oh my god, that was before I ran out of pick up lines to use.”

“Thank god you did,” Red Robin muttered.

She glared at him, “Just for that comment, I am going to come up with a new one just for you.”

Red Robin looked ready to die.

“Tt, that’s also when the Duckening happened.” Robin spoke up, looking like he’d seen a ghost. Or perhaps... ducks.

“Best revenge plan of my life,” Red Robin smirked. “Even if I had to cut parts of it cause bitchwing thought I was being too mean.”

“I did not—!”

“You did.”

Meanwhile, Robin was glaring again. “You had... more things planned?”

“Murder was on the list.”

* * *

‘ _One crack cocaine.” Red Hood said slowly._

_“Hi, yes, Mr Drug Dealer?” Nightwing spoke up, his voice teasing. “Yeah, I’d like to purchase one crack cocaine please.”_

_“Debit or credit?” Red Hood asked, the smirk clear in his voice._

_“Actually I have a gift card!” Robin added, joyfully raising his hand. Red Robin slammed his head on the desk._

“Hehehehe,” Signal was holding a hand to his mouth to stifle the giggles, but it wasn’t working. “How high were you?”

“I don’t— I don’t do drugs.” Red Robin defended.

“Really?” Nightwing teased. “Cause it sounds like you have pretty extensive knowledge of crack cocaine.”

Red Robin left the room.

* * *

“ _THE FLOOR IS LAVA!”_

And then all of the Bats watching the video were sprinting for safety along with their past selves.

* * *

“I can’t believe you two played Jenga on my head while I was asleep.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t wake up when it fell.”

* * *

Spoiler gasped halfway through a video, turning to Red Robin excitedly. “Baby, you smell so good. Is that Purell you’re wearing?”

Red Robin slapped her.

* * *

“For the record, we named the kittens Fish, Jaylah, and Dorian and we still have them.”

“We need to get rid of some of them...” Red Hood muttered.

A sword was at his throat in an instant. Robin glared at him.

“Or not,” Red Hood held up his hands in surrender.

The sword didn’t go away.

“Gotta love those kitties,” Red Hood added. “Very cute, 20/10.”

Robin removed the sword.

* * *

“We’re gonna have to fast track these floor is lava videos,” Nightwing said. “As fun as it is to watch them... there’s a lot...”

“That week was chaos.” Signal stated. “I can’t believe we all actually made it out alive.”

“I can’t believe I won.” Red Robin said, eyes wide as he stared off into the distance.

Spoiler snorted, “Yeah, especially since the first time we did it, you kept sacrificing yourself to the lava.”

“He had incentive this time.” Red Hood explained. “Also we teamed up. Helps.”

The two Reds fist bumped.

“Honestly, I wanted to sacrifice myself to the lava so many times.” Red Robin whispered. “The only thing that stopped me was the fact that if I did, someone would have control over my fate for however long the punishment is assigned for and I’m not a fan of that.”

“Pff, control freak.”

“... I can’t deny that.”

* * *

“No, no, no.” Signal started the second they pulled up the video. “I had to live through the thirst comments once, I am not doing it again. _No_.”

His siblings smirked at him and hit play anyways.

* * *

They all stared at the video.

“How did B set eggs on fire again?”

“No one fucking knows.”

* * *

“We really underestimated how many quotes Hood has memorized there... didn’t we?”

Hood cackled.

* * *

_“Holy shit!” Red Robin exclaimed in the video, standing quickly. His chair scraped across the floor as he grabbed his current case, looked closer, and then grabbed his coffee, chugged what was left of it, slammed it on the desk hard enough for the ceramic to crack slightly, laughed and yelled, “Fuck you, Batman!” in triumph, and then sprinted out of the cave, cape trailing behind him._

“Literally the funniest shit I’ve ever seen.” Red Hood. “Just... the glee on your face, Replacement. You absolute maniac.”

“Hey, you’d freak out like that too if you realized you could solve a cold case in a few minutes based solely on a photo you accidentally took while running across rooftops.”

“Ah, so that’s what that was. Honestly, I thought you’d had a prophetic vision or some shit.”

Red Robin stuck his tongue out at him.

“Is no one going to talk about the fact that the “ _FUCK YOU BATMAN!”_ is a Gotham Meme now?” Signal asked. “You have no idea how memes I’ve seen of it. Like, anytime someone's confident they're about to win, they immediately grab the nearest thing and smash it, yelling "FUCK YOU BATMAN!"”

“Seriously?” Red Robin asked quietly.

Spoiler nodded, “My youtube watch history has like four video compilations of that meme specifically.”

* * *

“ _You know, usually quiet nights mean something big is going down and that we should be worried—“Nightwing said in the video. “—but now I’ve just gotten so used to quiet nights that busy nights are what worry me.”_

“Famous last words,” Hood grumbled.

They all shifted around awkwardly.

Robin perked up, “Soap.” He said. “I forgot to go visit Soap again. And the chinchilla—“

“Soap?” Black Bat asked.

“The fish.” Robin said unhelpfully. “I need to go buy a chinchilla.”

And with that, Robin left.

“.......what?”

“How... is a fish named soap and a chinchilla related?” Red Robin asked warily, watching as Robin climbed onto the robin cycle and left the cave.

“Uh... no clue.”

* * *

“I think this—“ Red Robin gestured to the screen. “Is exactly why we don’t let Hood and Black Bat team up more often.”

“They’re fucking terrifying,” Nightwing breathed. “All of this to save me?”

They all nodded.

“Well, demon spawn too.” Hood added, “But mostly you.”

* * *

When Gasoline by Halsey started and Red Hood, Black Bat, and Signal all took to the screen, Red Robin laughed. “You guys were amazing there.”

“Thank you, thank you very much.” Signal bowed.

* * *

There was nothing to be said about the volleyball video. Nothing. Just a slow clap from Spoiler, and Red Hood looking salty about losing his favorite Wonder Woman shirt to bird shit.

Robin was still notably absent.

* * *

During the orbeez videos, Nightwing hung his head in shame while his siblings glared at him.

And made fun of him.

“You really thought that would be a good idea, huh? Dumbass. The comments told you not to be the French Guy. And what did you do?”

“I was the French guy...”

* * *

Spoiler was cackling at the tik tok of herself, in the darkness of the Wayne kitchen, being suspicious as she made waffles.

“Wait wait, who filmed that?” Hood asked, a bit breathless from laughing.

“Bats,” Spoiler responded.

They all roared with laughter.

* * *

“ _Why can’t orphans play baseball?”_

“You know, I think hearing B laugh like that was more terrifying than the fear toxin.” Nightwing commented.

“Honestly, yeah. I don’t think he’s laughed at anything in his life until that point.” Hood said casually.

Signal coughed into his hand, “Red Robin favorite child confirmed?”

* * *

“We’re skipping the Q&A’s” Nightwing decided. “It’s just... we don’t have time to unpack all of that.”

“Good point. Next.”

* * *

“The oiled floor sliding competition was still the best slip and slide I’ve ever done in my life.” Red Robin declared.

“Yeah, until we had to mop it up.” Hood responded.

Nightwing and Red Robin looked at each other. “Still the best slip and slide I’ve ever done in my life.” They said in tandem.

* * *

The bats stared at the minecraft videos. “We don’t... there’s no way to comment on that.”

“ _Actually, I have something to say._ ” Black Bat spoke up, signing as she went. “ _Last week, I was playing with Robin and we got into a melon war.”_

“A melon war?”

She nodded. “ _He filled my house with melons. I returned all of the melons and through them around his house. There were so many melons that the game lagged.”_

Red Robin snorted. “Iconic.”

* * *

“Well, I’d ask Robin for his commentary on winning the waffle making contest, but he’s still off buying a chinchilla so...”

“My thoughts,” Spoiler started confidently. “Is that the best waffle could have easily gone to Hood, but he ruined his chance to win by having a food fight.”

“I did not ruin—! For the record, I totally won that food fight.” Hood exclaimed.

“No you didn’t!” Nightwing yelled back.

“YEAH I DID!”

“Guys, I’m clearly the one who won the food fight.” Signal cut in.

All three of them glared at each other.

“Actually, I think I won.” Red Robin smirked.

They stared at him. “You weren’t even there.”

“Exactly.”

* * *

“ _DONUTS! DONUTS! DONUTS!_ ”

That is what Robin returned to.

His siblings, Black Bat included, running around the Cave, chanting “DONUTS! DONUTS! DONUTS!”

He should’ve stayed with Jules and Fish.

* * *

“And that concludes our tik tok account memory lane. Hope you guys liked our commentary! See ya!”

* * *

Comments:

“This was the best 36 minutes of my life.”

“I am going to cry. This is it. The last of the chaos.”

“Catch me rewatching every tik tok they’ve ever made because I’m crying from the thought of this compilation being the last of their content”

“This is worse than when Superman died.”

“I feel like I’m losing my identity”

“No shit”

“OMG ROBIN BOUGHT ME A CHINCHILLA!!! I’M NAMING HER ROBIN IN HONOR OF HIM!”

“idk i just feel like we really got to understand the bats these past few months. For so many years they were just figures in the shadows and now they’re meme legends that i feel like i know with my heart is that crazy?”

“Nah, not crazy. They’re amazing.”

”IS NO ONE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT BATS FILMED THE SPOILER IN THE KITCHEN VIDEO???”

“IDK IS NO ONE GOING TO TALK ABOUT BATDAD BEING SOFT WITH RR?” 

* * *

“So... Babs. It’s been a week since the livestream. Are we ready?”

“Yes. You’ve got everything saved to the Batcomputer right?”

Tim shook his head, and held up a flash drive. “Nope, just this. The Batcomputer is too easy to hack, but we can hide this much easier. Every tik tok and every relevant piece of footage from Quarantine, all saved, right here.”

Babs smiled, shaking her head. “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

“Me neither,” Tim replied, swiping a hand through his hair. “Do you want to do the honors, or shall I?”

“It was your account first,” Babs said. “It’s only right that you’re the one to delete it.”

Tim sucked in a breath. “Right.”

He gulped and then leaned forward, and pressed the space bar, activating the program.

* * *

By the end of the day, everything pertaining to the account RobinsandtheBat was completely erased by one massive virus— every tik tok they made, every compilation on youtube, every edit on Instagram, every screen recorded video on someone’s phone.

All completely gone.

And the program was still running to catch any video or article that slipped through the cracks of the initial sweep.

It was to protect their identities in the future, because there was too much information about their lives in those videos, and any villain could easily use it for evil. So, to keep the identities of the Bats, Tim had decided that it all had to be erased.

Now it was all completely gone, all except for one simple flash drive.

* * *

Meanwhile, Tim’s new app— Batsignal— had gone on the App Store earlier this week, letting people in Gotham notify the Bats of crimes and the severity level. There were options from “I just want an autograph” to “the Joker is threatening my life rn” and basically everything else Tim could think of to help Gothamites be as safe a possible and be able to contact help whenever they needed it.

He hoped it would help, and the rest of his family seemed to think the same.

* * *

“So,” Jason started, grabbing a cookie off the tray Alfred had made. “We just went from being trending worldwide to ghosts.”

“Sounds about right,” Dick replied. “I miss it already.”

“Same,” Spoiler said. “But you made the right decision Timbers.”

“Thanks guys,” Tim replied, rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand, something of a nervous tick. “The internet backlash on this is going to be insane though.”

* * *

**“BATCLAN TIK TOK ACCOUNT ROBINSANDTHEBAT HAS BEEN COMPLETELY ERASED”**

**“FANS FREAKING OUT OVER THE COMPLETE DISAPPEARANCE OF ALL BATCLAN TIK TOKS”**

**“YOUTUBE COMPILATIONS ERASED IN ONE MASSIVE VIRUS: IS THIS THE WORK OF A VILLAIN OR THE VIGILANTES THAT RUN THE ACCOUNT?”**

**“THEORY: HOW DID THE BATS ERASED ALL FOOTAGE PERTAINING TO THEIR TIK TOK ACCOUNT OVERNIGHT?”**

**“PANIC SWEEPS GOTHAM CITY AT THE LOSS OF THEIR INTERNET ICONS: THE BAT FAMILY”**

**“ALL GONE? THE ICONIC BAT FAMILY TIK TOKS HAVE BEENDELETED A WEEK AFTER THE BATS ANNOUNCED THEY’D BE ENDING THE ACCOUNT”**

**“FANS WHO THOUGHT THEY COULD REWATCH OLD TIK TOKS FROM THE BATS SHOCKED TO FIND THE ENTIRE ACCOUNT ERASED”**

**“ONLY THE MEMORIES EXIST NOW: HOW THE BATFAM WENT FROM INTERNET ICONS TO GHOSTS”**

* * *

“They’ll be okay though,” Tim told his family quietly, looking out the window to where a hummingbird was drinking from a feeder. “Give them a week to freak out about it, and next thing you know, there will be some other new trend that takes over.”

Dick smiled, “True, but let’s just hope they don’t forget about us that soon.”

“Yeah, I’d like to think we had a lasting impression.” Damian huffed. “I dislocated my shoulder for this account.”

They all smiled at that.

“They won’t forget us,” Cass stated simply. “They may forget the content, but they will always remember the feeling.”

“Yeah,” Tim hummed. “I guess that’s true.”

After all, there was a feeling in his chest that he couldn’t describe. A feeling that told him, even years in the future, people would remember the tik tok account made by Gotham’s most elite vigilantes, and they’d remember the way it made them laugh, even on the worst of days.

That was all he’d ever asked for.

* * *

Tim smiled softly, rolling over in his bed— with its rumpled sheets riddled with coffee stains and glitter that just wouldn’t go away— and eyed the flash drive sitting on his desk.

He stood up, and grabbed a sharpie and one of the small, grey containers that he kept in the bottom drawer of his desk. He stuck the flash drive inside the box and on the outside, in careful writing, he wrote:

**QUARANTINED: RED ROBIN’S TIK TOK ACCOUNT**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *very long sigh* *stares into the distance* what is this feeling I am feeling? 
> 
> ——
> 
> *bows* I thank you all for reading, especially given how long this fic is, and I’m so glad you enjoyed it! It’s been a long 8 months, and I’m sad to end this, but I’m also really proud of myself for doing so. When this idea started with NM, I definitely didn’t think it would take off so much (let’s be real, I didn’t think it would reach 75 chapters, much less 130 chapters....) but I’m glad it did. There’s so much I want to say but also no way to say it.   
> Basically, just “wow, thanks”  
> (I truly am a skilled writer right there lmao)
> 
> Anyways, last thing I want to say before I take my leave—  
> Feel free to check out my other fics, I’ve got the anti-hero Tim one that’s a lot of fun to read and started from this fic, as well as Broken, and I’m working on a few others too. The Bats are some of my favorite characters to write, so at some point there will be more.   
> (Will this fic have a sequel?) (answer: no, probably not)  
> Aaaand yeah... goodbye! I’ll probably be smiling at your comments all day and at some point I will answer them (hehe, maybe I’ll let NM answer some again) and I can’t wait to see your reactions to my finale! 
> 
> With a lot of love,   
> —JTOG1815

**Author's Note:**

> Join my [Discord Server?](https://discord.gg/Fakns8Ctmz)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Bubble Trouble](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25833823) by [Rosalee_Mariabellum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosalee_Mariabellum/pseuds/Rosalee_Mariabellum)
  * [How To Care For A Sad Person](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25847170) by [Rosalee_Mariabellum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosalee_Mariabellum/pseuds/Rosalee_Mariabellum)




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